Lydia

Lydia Sep 2018

I really do wonder if I am just going to be like this for the rest of my life or if it's just a very long faze
I've wondered this for years
always thinking
"well next week will be better
next month will be better
next year will be better"
and it's not
I've been so unhappy lately
the kind I can't quite put my finger on
I know I've been lonely
and feeling insecure lately
about everything
my looks
my job
my relationship
my son
my car
Etc etc etc
I honestly have days and weeks where I feel unstoppable
I could handle everything at once and not blink
but then all of those highs crash into deep dark lows and I feel too weak to climb back up

#depression #high #low #mood #me #feelings #ugh #life

Sep 2018

Renee

"You look just fine"

I'm sure I look fine.

Days like today,
I want to strip the skin
From my forearms
Using only my fingernails.

Days like today,
I want to wring out
My legs like a washcloth,
Squeeze the rolls on my stomach
Until they're empty.

Days like this,
I want to walk away from my body
forever.

I'm sure I look fine.

#body #image #selfhate #trigger #sad

Lydia Sep 2018

everything

I wish I was simple
easy going and easy to love
I wish I could be sweet when your mad
and know just the right things to say to end a fight
mellow tempered and cool
I never want to fight with you
I am in my own way

I'm the opposite of what I wish
instead of the sweet summer breeze I am the torrential wind during a storm
and I can't just be a drizzle
I'm a downpour
I am all or nothing
I don't know how to be anything else
I've spent years trying to figure out how to be something I am not
I've tried crawling out of my skin
and forming a new face
being me is my biggest downfall

#fight #feelings #me #****** #up #trying #us #faces

Lydia Sep 2018

Untitled

Growing up I was always told,
NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE WHO YOU ARE AND TO STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT

I never knew how hard both of those things really were to do
until
I grew up and
became confused about who I am
and I found myself at times too weak to say anything when I knew something was wrong
What if I my parents told me that growing up
in hopes that I could do the things they never found the courage to?

#feelings #growing #up #life #me #adult #strength

Lydia Sep 2018

Perspective

Now that I think about it,
I always want people to like me
and respect me
and realize how valuable I really am,
but why do I expect other people to see all of that in me,
when I don't even see it in myself?

#feelings #me #real #life #treatment #others #people #selfworth

Lydia Sep 2018

lonely

I don't like being alone
I used to have this false idea that I loved having all the time in the world to myself
that I missed the days of it just being me me me
and then every single time an opportunity arises,
I am only left feeling empty
and anxious
and lonely

I can be in a room full of people and still feel like I'm standing in the dark,
sometimes other people make me feel more lonely than I ever could have imagined while being on my own

lonliness is a disease only someone you love can cure

Me recently

#lonely #feelings #love #sad #alone #people #me #time

Lydia Sep 2018

burning

Yesterday I came home mad
I had the house to myself
so I went to my room
and packed a bowl
I decided to clean the bathroom
because for me,
cleaning is therapeutic
I took a hit and then scrubbed the sink
I took a hit then cleaned the toilet
I took a hit and then cleaned the mirrors
I took a hit and scrubbed the bathtub
I took a hit and swept the floors
the bathroom I stood in smelled like bleach
and
marijuana
I felt better
burning and bleaching the days gunk away

#**** #feels #cleaning #bowl #smoke #me #feelings #therapy #day