I'm begging you to break my chains.
I'm asking you to carry my pain.
I'm sitting at your mercy seat.
I'm crying at your holy feet.
I cannot dance, and I cannot sing.
I know you have a plan for me.
I have heard that you have paid my fee.
I am trying to set my sight on thee.
I'm begging for eternal grace.
I need your help to run this race.

She is alone
She is sad
She is hopeless
She is depressed
She is cutting
She is suicidal
She is ignored
She is lost
She isn't understood

She screams and shouts
Yet, no words will come out

She is tired of fighting
She is tired of breathing

And worst of all that she is me

I am just fine... not.
I am the daughter who is fighting her depression.
I am the friend who is trying to show compassion.
I am the stranger who is sitting there with a horrendous expression.
I am the victim that raves with passion.

I am the child who was molested.
I am the person who can't confess it.
I am the human that craves death.
I am sitting on the devils bed.

So, yeah, you could say I am doing alright,
but in reality I'm not.
I am just a child, scared and true.

Broken.
It is such a strange word.
Broken.
It is such a strange definition.
Broken.
Can't what is broken be fixed?

If that which is broken is fixed, is it still broken?
Perhaps it is just brokenly new.
A broken heart can lead to joy.
So if a heart is sad, is it truly broken?

Broken.
Such a strange thing.
Broken.
What a strange concept.
Broken.
What a strange sound.

Why do humans call themselves broken?
Perhaps being broken, is nothing more then an allusion.
Why do we cry in despair when we seem to have broken?
Being broken only allows light to shine through the cracks.

Broken.
What a strange allusion.
Broken.
What a strange existence.
Broken.
What a strange state.

So, if broken can be fixed...
If Broken leads to joy...
If broken is an allusion..
And if light shines through the cracks of things that are broken...
Then it means two things...

Broken is a temporary state for humans.
Broken never existed to begin with.

I'm tired of running.
I'm sick of trying.
I want to stop crying.
I don't know why I keep lying.
I can't keep living.
I know I am dying.
My time is ticking.
My God I'm denying.

Two girls, like magnets, forever pulling – pulling – pulling
Two girls, like magnets, forever slamming – slamming – slamming
Two girls, forever dancing, but forever dancing to a different song
Two girls, forever singing, but forever singing a different song
Two girls, always loving, but never trusting
Two girls, quick to fighting and slow to apologizing
Two girls, always fighting – fighting – fighting

Two girls, insecure and never trusting
Two girls, never knowing their strengths
Two girls never knowing where they stand
Two girls, who will never stop loving
Two girls, who will never stop dancing
However, two girls, still fighting – fighting – fighting
Two girls, still forgiving – forgiving – forgiving

Two girls, forever tapping
Two girls, forever singing
Two girls, but one never laughing
Two girls, still loving
Yet, two girls, still fighting – fighting – fighting

One girl, cannot fight anymore
One girl, emotionally spent to one end
One girl, not knowing who she is
One girl, not knowing where she stands
One girl, with pain unbearable
One girl, who continues loosing – losing – losing

One girl, tries to hold on until her grip begins failing
One girl, says goodbye for the last time
One girl, forever mourning the loss of a friend
One girl, never to ask, “do you want to skip to the tree,” again
However, still, both girls remain loving the other, even though their lives may never combine again

I should have known the moment you said you loved me.
I should have known the minute you came and betrayed me.
I thought I knew you - that proved wrong.
I thought I could love you - that proved false.
I thought our passion, was an ignited flame.

But no... You
Used me,
Betrayed me,
Scared me,
Broke me.

But worst of all, you left me with shattered pieces.

Not a word has been spoken since that night.
The night where words ran wild, and no one saw the light.


                                         My heart is breaking from the people who leave.
                                             My heart was stolen by night's terrible thieve.


                          The secrets and lies that people deny.
                          The heart and pain that is dying in time.


The blood that is streaking across the skin.
The razor can't stop digging in.
                    
                                           ­             Words of hate leave ink on your bones.
                                                        Wa­nting no more to pick up the stones.


                   I wait for death to take me home.

A psychopath, that I am.
Some say I belong in a mental institution.
I can plan the perfect ******.
I can be the perfect killer.
I can bring gloom to day.
I can take the joy away.
I can sing depression's song.
I can make your pain last long.

I've never seen a light in day.
I always just run away.
I'm scared of where my future lies.
I'm scared of where my past resides.

Did I mention I can plan the perfect ******?
I have a friend, she'll hide the body.
Then we'll head to a party.
We probably will never try our plans out -
but be sure we can bring you living hell.

I smell the rose at beauty's end.
I see the darkness of a friend.
I see princess pure and true.
I see a blackened heart pulling through.
I see a heart with love long lost.
I see the queen becoming distraut.
I see a fairy tale's endless night.
I see a child, pure in sight.
I see an adventure burning in the dust.
I see the prince beginning to rust.

I found an apple that brings eternal sleep.
I found a spindle that puts my heart at ease.
I found my petals lying on the ground.
My clock strikes midnight,
my time is running out.

The pain you see is unbearable.
Day after day you take up the knife.
Day after day you wait and pray.
You wait for a hero, but still no one comes.
At school you are ridiculed.
At home you feel the world weighing in.  
Your little sister nags just as much as your parents.
Bullied, friendless, and alone in the world.
You decide it's time to die a cold hard death.
You write a note, and slowly take the pills.
Time for dinner, your sister enters.
She leaves, your parents come.
They cry, they scream.

Two years later - The bully blamed himself, so, death already set in.
Your best friend, has no friends.
Your parents divorced due to arguments that set in.
Your sister is anorexic and dealing with depression.
Your teachers all moved because they didn't stop it.
The kids in school blame themselves, some even had the nerve to drop out.
Your grandparent's blame your parents and never come to visit.

In a secret tomb, my ashes lay.
          It's ashes plea in disparity.

Buried miles deep, in false deceit.
          Suffocating, alive, in agony.

Given freely, my light is gone.
           I've lost myself to a blackened            
           theif.

7:30pm - I am crying. Wars are raging. Demons are coming. My soul is dying.

8:30pm - Try to resist a knife that sits. Pick up the phone, just so alone. Try to resist the urge that pursists.

9:30pm - Urges pursist, I finally cave in. Marks on my skin, wage a war thats within. Spirits are fighting, demons are crying. A soul is dying. Tempers are rising.

10:30pm - My heart is breaking. My temper is flaring. My thoughts are rising. A God I'm denying. I'm lost, chained, and bound. I'm tired of fighting.

11:30pm - Alone in night, along in day. My friends seem to walk away. Still I am trying. Is there any reason to living?

12:30am - Sleeping comes naught to that who is crying. A God who has ceased caring. Is there any life worth giving?

1:30am - Trying to write to someone so dear, but words alas, won't come near. I cry out for help, hoping a God will hear. Hoping someone might just be there.

2:30am - I walk to the garage, a shotgun awaits. I pick up the tool, to send me to my death. I look for the bullets, none can I find. I go to the house, to look for a knife.

3:30am - I pick up a knife, to hold to my neck. I think back on the past nine years of my life. The rediculing, the name calling, the moving, the drinking, the hell that's broke loss must come to an end.
I think of a friend. Will she miss me, I wonder. I think to a dance that had not long past. A friend... I think naught, an older sister. I remember the song that she played for my ears.
I remember my mentor, the one who discovered. I remember her efforts to tell me they cared. I remembered her words that told me she would always be there.
I thought yet again to a friend who long past. I thought to her last words to my ear. "You're loved, don't forget it. Even if I'm not here."
I thought to years long past. When I layed in the grass, my brothers at hand. I told them I was running. His response, "No, don't go. I love you to much for that. I need you to pick on."

3:45am - I put down my knife. I go to my room. I continue to cry. I may not be happy, but my life I must live. My demons then flee, but my chains still bind me. An angel protects me, of this I am sure. To sleep I must drift, I'll wake in the morn.

To whom it may concern,
He is prodigious and amicable. He is without fault, in a sense that his faults are the very thing that makes him flawless.
He is compassionate and sympathetic. When words flow from his lips, it makes you weak at the knees and it makes you forget about your anxiousness.

He makes my heart beat to a pulp and race a million miles pure second. It's odd though, his track record isn't the best.
He doesn't seem to stay with any one person. He is afraid of losing the people he loves, I guess. (We have that in common)

So, no, he doesn't stick around, and, no, he won't be staying with me.
Yet, he deserves a chance at a little piece of heaven.
I pray to God one day he'll find that person that makes him happy because sometimes you meet someone and they do this thing called falling in love. That's what he and I did, but I know we weren't meant to be.

We were just two sparrows who met in the middle of flying in opposite directions, but - to whoever this may concern - you found him next, and I loved him once, odds are you will too. He was my first, and my only first true love, so take care of him, because when he falls in love, somewhere deep in his heart even when you're gone, he will always love you too.

And when you find out that he won't stay, and you ask me if he is worth it my answer will always be - you could live a hundred years, but only have one here and now. If even just for a moment you really do love him you'll stay until he leaves because it isn't very often in a life time that something or someone comes around and it is worth getting your heart broken for.

I promise you, I will always have a place in his heart and he will always be in mine, but you will hold a new place in a whole new part of him that I had yet to unlock. Thank you for loving him and wish you all the best. Maybe you'll be the one that sticks, but if it doesn't come find me - I know what it is like to watch him walk away.


With sorrow and love,
His former beloved

You have not seen
You have not seen where I've walked
Nor where I am going
You have not seen what plagues me
Nor why my tears have fallen

You have not heard
You have not heard my story
Nor my cries of sorrow that bellow in the night

You do not understand
You do not understand why I fear to trust
Nor the memories of which I try to escape
You do not understand why I hide in shame
Nor the darkness of my own mind

You have not been asked to walk where I've walked
Nor stand, if even for a moment, where I have been forced to stand firm
You have not been asked to stand in the darkness I've with held
Nor have you been asked to hear the dreadful cries in the night

You have not been asked to look into the dark where you never thought you would ever walk
You have not been asked to understand

So there -
Do not judge me unless you have judged you
Do not tell me my wrong doings until you have found your own
Do not judge me until you have walked a mile or two in my own shoes
I am not saying you own life has not been a struggle
I am saying that you can't judge me until you have judged you

The tears they come, flowing down my cheek.
My friends have left, their voice I cease to seek.
I cannot dance, classes I must cease.
Ends draw near, the end I fear to see.

The show it proceeds, but in fear I proceed -
scared of what the end will bring for me.
Will it bring more tears, more loss of friends to haunt my sleep?
Curtain call must sing along.
Alone I tread, always in dread.
My hope, forever looses its light.

I know I cannot run for long.
I know truth will sing its song.
I cannot bear the weight of shame.
Scared that judgment will forever reign.

I sit in my room, staring at the wall.

Alone I sit and watch my blank wall.

Alone in the night - alone in the day

My best friend has slowly wandered away.

She says she is still there, but no conversation can we hold.

Alone..

Quarter after ten; a storms a brewing, but not out side. A storm that festers in my head.

I wait for my reply, but still no one is there.

I feel ignored, I feel no hope.

I text a friend whom talks of food, but still it does not fill the emptiness inside.

I try to write a poem, but no words come to mind.

Alone.. still no reply, so I sit and wait. Hoping that someday a friend may come by.

My heart won't rest.
My mind won't relax.
My words are stained blood.
Your heart I will break.

"Worthless... Worthless... Worthless,"* echoes through my ears.
"Not again... Not again... Not again," I voice for none to hear.

You write and write, but no one sees what you beg for them to see, but you still won't voice allowed.
The fake smile you bare weighs heavy.

Is no one there?

"Someone help! Someone be there! Someone care! Someone just be there," I shout, but still, no one hears.

I cut, to give me control, and in hopes that someone will see. I'm begging for someone to take a cherish me.

My past still haunts, my story still stands. Someone, anyone, please be there.

I kick, I scream, I yell, I pound yet still no one takes notice of me. My soul is slowly fading.

"You *****," I scream, not meaning what I said, just wanting someone to notice me.

The pain I feel becomes unbearable. The reprimanding becomes unexplainable. Please, someone be there and care.

For once in my life, I stand alone. I know that no one hears my cries that I long for them to hear. They don't understand why I suffer so. I'm just begging them to still be there.

I watch as people I love slowly loose grip in my heart. I may be alive, but my soul has already died.

**Someone, anyone, just be there!

I have withheld secrets unbearable.
Not daring to whisper them into the darkness for fear that someone my hear
For years, I have let my cries drift out at night, but praying not a soul may come close enough to hear

I have fought a battle not everyone has
I have left the fight untrusting and never seeking out a mortal soul
I shut down without warning

I always cry, but never on the outside
I may appear to be happy and cherry, but I'm dying a slow painful death
I may be alive, but I'm barely breathing

When you look around what do you see?
Do you see hope? Do you see love? Do you see pain? Do you see glee?

When I look around, I'll tell you what I see.
I see hell breaking loose around every turn.
I see love breaking hearts. I see people loving to much - loving to the worlds end.
And no glee do I dare see.

I see a world to afraid to break loose from it's chains.
I see a world of hate, to afraid to stand up for what is right.
I see a world that is blind. A world that cannot see the truth even if it is put blankly in front of them

However, inside the heart of just a few look and see; just try to see if you can see what I see.
I see a passion unlike any other.
I see a love like any other.
I see hope sparkling in their eyes.
I see knowledge beyond there years.
I see leadership and revival in their mists.
I see chains being broken.
I see worship.
I see a song.
I see a dance.
I see what they try to see.

It is those such as these that bring the world full of hell hope, and life.

If you ask me if I'm okay, I'll tell you that I'm perfectly fine.
I stand in a sea filled with people, how could I not be fine?
I'm fine. Its a word that crumbles into its very existence.
It's a word that means something it was never intended to be.

If you ask me if I'm okay, I'll tell you I'm fine.
Yet - I wonder what would happen if I told you the truth.
I stand in a sea filled with people, but the one who doesn't like me rips me to shreds.
I'm fine. Its a word that means I'm crumbling into pieces.

Words left unspoken
Pain left unbearable
Time that's irretrievable
A life that's unlivable

Where words were left unspoken, time continuously creped away becoming yet a memory.
The pain makes life unlivable.
The knife that cut her skin left scars - still a constant reminder of the pain unbearable.

I'm trying so hard.

I'm pulling for my words.

I'm stammering.
           I'm stuttering.

It is a sudden rush of worries.

My mind is swimming in thoughts I can't sort.

I'm getting clammy,
            People are staring.

Everyone is going to see the real me.

My heart is quickening.

I'm drowning,
             but everyone else is breathing.

Someone, help me.

A stolen child glares at a clock.

The child yells, "when will life's pure sting stop!"

Yet, the clock just screams, "tick tock."

A kid, who's life is a blended mess, stares at white walls.

The kid screams, "when will this demon come to a stop."

But the wall doesn't scream, it's sweet silence never cease yelling.

A teen cries from his depths as he trips on his chains-

"When will this burdon leave, my body is screaming from pain."

His cry from the depths, and his screams in the night burry the joy that will not reside.

I pray for the day when the burdon flees from his mists. I pray for the hour that teen is remist.

Depression is a war that rages.
You either win, or you die trying.
You can't escape because it binds your soul.
The pain it causes is like a whip against your back.
The pain isn't as much physical as it is mental.
The razor is your weapon against the infection.
It is a weapon, but on your own skin.
You can't snap your fingers and make it disappear.
You can't run.
It follows.
You take medications, but where does it lead?
Some people think you belong in a mental hospital.
Others.. they just think you want attention.
Most don't even look at your past to see what got you to this point.
It leaves you friendless.
It makes you shutdown.
It leaves your smiles fake.
Even if the war doesn't **** you, it still makes you feel like you died.
Even if it doesn't **** you, you are never the same again.
It brings you the point of no return.

I wait... in silence... for answers.
Dawn approaches and my quest is yet to be fulfilled.
I know that my tormenters will continue to pursue me until I have found what I am in search of.
Yet, I know that,  if I find it, it may not be what I came to find.
Yet, my tormentors still come, so I still search.

Noon has approached and past.
Still my tormentor comes.
I still cannot find the remedy I need.
My tormentors grab at my heart and mind.
They provide me with a pain so unbearable.
I feel the world closing in. UGH! How I wish to die!

The sun sets as it always does.
Still I have not found what I came for.
My tormentors still torment.
The pain still consists and has grown.

Night becomes inevitable.
I wonder if I shall ever find what I am looking for.
Perhaps not. Perhaps I shall.
Day after day I shall wake a repeat.
I shall not let me search come to an end without the answers I seek.

I search frantically for the eyes of which I loved.

I swing my arm uncontrollably reaching for the grasp that is no longer there.

Long for the bed that we used to sleep in.

My heart aches for the breath that used to tickle my neck.

I loved you and only you, but you walked away from me.

It cut like a sword wedging itself within my soul
It caused me to flee to the darkness of my own mind
It took me for granted, used, and scared me for life
It causes the pictures to reply over and over in my mind

The scars it embedded upon my heart shall forever take their place

It is the one who is responsible for me being so untrusting, unworthy, unseeing
It is the reason I cannot come out of hiding

I fear that someone will see the scars
I fear that someone will see the pain I've locked away
I fear that someone will see me for who I am and the past that haunts me

When can I stop running from this unforeseen terror that continues towering over my flesh?

My wall broke at our warm embrace.
My eyes sparkled at your tender gaze.
My heart it pounded at the sound of your name.
My world seemed completely with you to tame it's wild mane.

But it was all a lie and a part of your frivolous game.
Your eyes turned cold as soon as you'd won.
My heart became angered when your name was mention.
My world soon shattered.
To death, I wanted to saunter.
My life was nothing, but unspeakable terror.

You left me
                B           U          S           D
                      R            I           E
but I later found words of LOVE

You left me
                                    s
                          ­                   C      a
                                                        ­      R    e
                                                    ­                       D
but I later found someone to stitch


You left me
               Br
                      ok
                                en
but I found something that healed


You left me
                    U s E D
but I found that one person's junk is someone else's treasure

You left me
                  LO
                  ST
but I still found a way.

I hate nights like this. When you want drink so you can drown your sorrows. Make life disappear. Make it all go away. Yet, it won’t last. Joy never does, but that wouldn’t even be joy. It would just be numb. No feeling. No perception of pain. No perception of right or wrong. Just numb.


All of the drinking, cutting and the running away is temporary. It eases the pain for a while but what happened when you wake up. When you can’t get ahold of a drink and the cuts get deeper with every pacing razor. You can only run for so long before your legs just give out. So, then where do you turn?


People tell me to find someone to talk to but people are human. Intentional or not I end up hurt. They are backstabbing, lying, cheating humans who cannot keep their own self preservation and if these people where to ask “what was wrong” I could not answer. I have no answer because I don’t know. I have drowned out my feelings to where I have become so numb I cannot remember why I felt the need to do this to myself to begin with. 
Yet, it is no longer medication to make the pain lesson, it has become an addiction. I cannot stop myself anymore. I am a monster and I am uncontrollable.

I am alone not because I choose to be but because I don’t want to be hurt again. I am alone. I am broken. I am a monster. I don’t even remember what joy feels like.

So I medicate.

I will not back down from the revolution that WILL be break loose in this generation.
I will not let a single soul be left without a spark of ignition.
I will not let the people of this world die off without a hint of recognition towards salvation.

He will break the chains of the people who have been bound.
He will let loose a furry  on every soul that has not been found.

He has risen.
He is coming.
He is saving.
He is redeeming.

He is the bridge that will let us pass.
He is everything that has been in the past.
He is the Father, Son, the Holy one.

**He is the hope of the world to come.

You do not see the
            B                      r
                                                     O          K
                               E                        N
                                                                ­    E               s                     S
She has succumbed to.

You do not see how    
                   A    b
                               a   n
                                         d o
                                                  n e d
she has become.

You barely know her yet you can tell that the smile she plasters on is

                     F          A
                                                K   ­         E


Her life has slowly become a sea of

D                     I
            S                        a                S         ­       
                              t                 e                    R           S

Can't you hear what is screaming out in pain?
Can't you see the hearts that are screeching out with shame?
Can you not feel the silence ripping through the cracks?
Why won't you see the hurt that cannot turn it's back?

The voice has been taken.
The choice isn't being given.
The scars are self-inflicted, and the parents don't see there hidden.
Molestation has come creeping, and the Devil keeps on prancing.
Yet, all along the cries still rage, while silence echoes through the age.

I'm begging you to see this.
I'm asking you to care, because I know something is coming.
You just can't see it there.

I see a future generation, rising through the dust.
I see chains falling, and bowing before the King.
I see a future for those who cry out for help.
I see a healer coming, he is riding on a cloud.

This is the sound of our revolution!
Listen to the sound of the prophet's cry!
This is the sound of reformation!
I can hear the warrior bride!

We are the royalty in this land.
We have a divine destiny!
We are going to shake our nation,
and we are going to change our world!

So, find your voice!
Proclaim His name.
My generation will not be gripped with shame.