A minute inhale of petrichor
The silent shadow of rainfall
Silver skies after a shower
White clouds pure like a newborn
Innocence colours her temple
May our love never be torn
Pale petals the shade of light
The meaning of love at first sight
Bound together for hereafter
Never bade goodbye or waver.

This is me swallowing my fears
Hands trembling as I carve deeply
Words which hide my feelings
Like clouds shielding the sun.

This is me saying goodbye to you
Breath hitching as ink spills
From my heart down my wrist
And into the word adieu.

This is me walking away
Turning the clock a decade in my head
Altering memories of smiles and laughter
Into barren land and greys.

This is me standing in front of you
As I bid you adieu.

Take my hand
Don’t be afraid
Follow my lead
And you’ll always be safe
Keep your eyes on mine
Forget your worries
Read my lips
*On the count of three

Curse my painted lips
Which speak your name
Like a fireplace in winter
                        
Curse my bleeding lips
Which speak your name
Like a blizzard in Antarctica

Curse my crimson lips
**** them till they surrender
And never shall they speak the name
Of unrequited love

Running after you
Is like chasing after clouds,
But still I run
Because it’s the clouds which give me rain;
Rain that is refreshing from the scorching sun,
Rain which is my lullaby on nights when I can’t sleep.
And it’s these clouds which are made of the water from earth;
The water which gives life, rejuvenating, reviving.
Even if I can’t reach you,
Even if I’m down here and you’re up there,
I chase after you.
Even if I can’t reach you,
Even if I can’t ever reach you,
I want to be near you.
Because you, my cloud, give me life
And being near you is enough.

(The sun is somewhat dimmed, as though I'm looking through a film.)

Losing myself in the crinkles of your eyes
As you smile carelessly into the camera
I remember
The way you scrunch your nose a little
The way your lips remind me of cherry blossoms

(It's a little cold here. The temperature is falling.)

Even as I lay in bed shivering and battling my fever
I remember the nights you wished you were here
The nights you work as a bartender, carelessly picking up girls over the counter
Do you serve them all poisoned holy grails?

(A hollow whirring. That's the sound I hear when my ears are blocked.)

Your favorite song plays in the background
I remember
When you said my voice was soothing
When you said I meant something
Ed Sheeran probably didn't mean it
But now I cringe with every note of his

(The brightness before me is blurring. Are those my tears or is it just the water?)

It was beautiful, really
But pink sakura petals do not bloom in this region
Even the colour pink is distressing to me
Since we matched in winter through spring

(You nicked my heartstrings. How do I mend it?)*

I find you in all the little things
Cigarettes, temples, business trips, huskies,
Harry Potter, Radler, Netherlands, salmon,
Macaroons, banana man, an 18 grand television

Round and round, the second hand runs on the face
The sun goes down and down, signing off the days
Round and round, you're running in my head
I go down and down till I reach the seabed

Exhilaration floods through me as I emerge from my cocoon
Spreading my wings
Extending my new body features
Taking flight for the very first time

Through the winds I fly
Into the clouds I soar
From the rain I hide
The flower bed is my dance floor

I twirl, I flutter above the crocuses
The blue and violet outstanding in the green field
But it’s not them that caught my attention
You caught my eye

I twirl,
I flutter,
I swirl, I flutter—
I’m trapped in white

Into the winds I cry
From clouds I fall
In the rain I lie
I don’t visit the flower bed
Anymore

You stole my heart
You control my heart
Your smiles, your tears, hold my limbs against the white sticky strands
I can’t move, I can’t escape
My heart beats for you
My heart is only for you

My smiles, my tears, for myself to see
My life is in your hands
My freedom is in your hands

The blistering heat is you
The chilly wind is you
You are the angel’s temptation
I am the one with wings chained

The fire is you
The storm is you
You are the devil who spins the web
I am the one awaiting death

Into the wind I cry, I cry for the last bit of hope I’m holding on to
In the rain I lie, I embrace the beautiful dream we had
You are the one who spins the web, cunning and charismatic
I am the one trapped in the web, destroyed yet
Drunk in love

You left fingerprints
on my face
You left lip prints
on my lips
You left warmth
around my waist,
a meaning to my days.

And you also left
a wound in my chest
tear stains on my cheeks
bruises in my mind
a scar for life.

“I know what you’re thinking.”

Do you?
You can’t read me like an open book.
You have no idea what I truly think.
What makes you so sure I even see you as a friend like the way you see me?

You see me
as a studious girl, diligently finishing my work
as an intelligent girl, acing the tests in the subjects I’m good at
as a responsible girl, always carrying out my duties with zeal and efficiency
as a kind hearted girl, courteous and honest
You also see me
as a mean girl who gossips about others
as a conceited girl who brags on and on about herself
as a selfish girl who does things only if it is to her benefit
as a coward who is afraid of so many things
as a lazy *** who does nothing in weekends
The list goes on.

Just because you see the good and the bad of me, you think
you know me.
Do you?
Don’t be too quick to answer that question.

You will never know the nights I spend going insane
thinking about myself
thinking about you
thinking about others
You will never know about the times when I breakdown into a useless emotional wreck
with the tiniest action from someone
You will never know about the certain few nights and what I did to myself
and how I cry
on and on, nails digging deep into my palms, on and on, uncontrollably hyperventilating, on and on… even when I don’t want to.
You will never know about the content in my diary
what these words really mean
what my purposes are

You will never know about the way my brain is wired
about the way I see the world
about the way my mind is poisoned, tainted, corrupted, trained to manipulate, functioned to lie.

You don’t know me even if you think you do.

You don’t know about how much I fear myself while I type these words
while I’m thinking about the pain in my heart and how it is therapeutic.

My lips are parched, my throat is dry, my breath is coming out in slow deliberate long breaths.
My mind stays warped, damaged and tainted.
The edges of my eyes hurt from too much rubbing.
My heart is still hurting, as it does every day and night.
My eyes stay shut as I think about how I am going to survive tomorrow.

You ask me why I hate everyone. You ask me why I am so pessimistic. You ask me why I am so irritable. You ask me so many questions and you say
“I know what you’re thinking.”*
Do you
when I don’t even know myself anymore?

I picked up a pencil
the familiar woody scent
the tip sharp and blunt
just right.

I took out my sketch pad
the surface of the slightly yellow parchment
smooth and rough
just right.

I held the 2B pencil
(a gift with my name imprinted on it)
focused my mind on the subject
took a small shaky breath
and glided the graphite over paper.

A line was drawn.
It stood out in the middle of the paper
like how the bride stood out to the groom amongst the rest of the women on earth on the wedding day
like how a bloodstain stood out on the walls of a sterile hospital ward
like how I stood out from the crowd
like how you stood out from the crowd.

"Love“: A feeling defined time and time again till no one is quite sure what it really means.

Yet, when you who stood out from the crowd looked at me
just right
I knew right then and there
I am the sketch pad
and you are the pencil
and the line drawn over my chest is not a straight one.
It is a series of ups and downs soaring to the sky and
plunging deep into the ground and repeating that cycle till the last breath escapes my mouth.
It is the pulse I see and feel
the pulse in my blood and in the air
which I will soon define it as “Love“.

I look up into the sky
and make a wish
How long will it last?
How long more do I have to wait?
How many more nights do I have to spend thinking
before I give up on this pointless something?
I look up into the sky
and make a wish
on the star that was long dead
just like that nothing.

Different yet similar, similar yet different.
You don’t know
exactly how the other thinks but it’s like you knew.
Telepathy? Maybe not.
It’s more like
knowing the person so well that you’re so alike
you think the same way
you walk the same way
yet we are different
and yet we are not.

It’s a friendship to remember, it’s a friendship
forever
I made an oath before
I hope you can recall.
Though it’s okay to forget,
since I’ll be here to remind you.
Since the first day we met,
we have been stuck like glue.

It’s a friendship I’ll never forget,
and one I’ll never regret.
I love you.

I know you love me too.

I look into the night sky.
The clock is ticking.
The moon is sleeping.
I am waiting.

A little girl with a pure kind heart,
messed around a little too much.
The clock is ticking and I wait
for the moment the little girl change.

The little girl will become strong and kind
and valiant and fine.
Though deep inside she might still be shy,
a strong front she will put outside.
The clock is ticking and the time has come.

It is twelve of the very next day,
which many years back in a small white room,
the little girl was born in a pair of arms so warm
and laughter and tears coloured the room.
A smiling father with an exhausted mother,
but everyone in the room was celebrating,
for this very day many years back,
the girl reading this was born.

The clock is ticking.
The moon is gleaming.
The clouds are floating.
The dreams are living.
I am writing.

The clock is ticking and I say
I love you
and I will never regret having you in my life
and I wish you will always be happy on this day every year
because the clock never stops ticking
and people never stop changing.

But today is the day we celebrate the little girl who has changed
in ways big or small,
good of bad,
drastic or subtle.
We celebrate because
I love you.
*We love you.

sometimes I shut myself in the toilet cubicle just to be true to myself.
I shut myself inside the four grey walls just to let myself breathe,
breathe in the foul stench of reality.

it starts off like a mere tingle, a single flash of light in the dark,
a spark amongst the web of dry pulsing branches
then before you know it, there's a forest fire threatening to burn down all your resolve, choking your lungs with acrid smoke,
smearing the whites of your eyes with soot
with every breath, the fire burns ever greater, ever greater consuming every last bit of thought,
every last bit of reason
and finally, it consumes you, leaving only charred ribs
and a cackling in the background
now, do you understand why I'm afraid of fire

She walks on pastel clouds, footsteps light without a sound. Her head higher than the clouds, filled with sounds you cannot hear. The thoughts going round and round, round and round.

Her eyes see the world in a way you cannot imagine, where the night sky is strung with words and roses are green. Her voice a melodious peal, drawing you in, drawing you in. Don't be fooled for she has sinned.

She loves another without reason. She's addicted to sweet nothings which do not last seasons. Though friends and family cry warnings of treason, she drinks the poisoned holy grail, ignoring the lesions.

She laughs and smiles like the sun never sets. A fool she is, she always forgets. Never came a day when she and her ever met, and still she smiles like the sun never sets.