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Jul 2015
Within the last few years since I left recovery, I have let many people and things into my life that have dragged me down over and over again thinking that my sympathy, empathy and support will somehow give these people the hope and help that I, myself was given. Combined with the feeling that many mistakes (that hurt people) I have made remain unfixed, my life choices from past to the present haunt me and cause me to lose sleep on a regular basis. I wake up half of my mornings feeling this isn't the life I want.

I feel used, unappreciated, helpless, unaccomplished, worthless, scared, alone, don't want to talk to anybody because I don't want to burden them... The list goes on.

(This is not every day. My friends, family and loved ones are plentiful and there for me. I am nevertheless thriving.)

This has caused me to be resentful, unable to trust, become guarded and unloving. This isn't me, nor the person I want to be. I have since cut out several people in my life, some suddenly and without explanation. I want to love these people just as much as I want to cuss at them. Steal from me, get loaded and make bad choices, refuse to pay me back, lie to me, cheat me, slander my name. Go ahead. You aren't going to be in my life for very long. Those types are no longer welcome, and I pray they stop one day because those people and those actions destroy this world slowly.

Regarding MY mistakes, there are some people I will never be able to make amends to because I will likely never see them again, while some will simply not accept it. Since I cannot make amends to these people, the only way I know how to feel better is to make a living amends and add good to this world in other places. These people will never know how badly I want redemption; for the last 6 months, I have given up my Saturdays and gone to the local ER and volunteered. My soul feels a bit better because of it and sadly it is the only institution that I feel valued at (irony that I don't get paid). I try and find things in my life that give me meaning, and do them. While some people will always hate me and only remember the messed up, strung out me, I have no choice except to breathe deep, but shaky, and trudge on. If this is the only life I will ever have, I choose to not let these people and my past haunt me. I choose to be here as a positive in the universe and will struggle with this until it kills me or hopefully until I don't have to.

I have tried for three years now my **** hardest to cope with a difficult work environment, deadly addiction and debilitating neurological issues. Few have given me answers or much less understood what the hell is wrong with me, none have provided a solution. Doctors don't know anything beyond their prescription pads it seems. The best help I get is a blank check for medical bills from my parents. They should not be suffering for my problems, I am 27. This only makes me feel more inept and worthless as well that I cannot take care of them. I took so much from them when I was bad, I don't want to take anymore.

I have gone and lost my **** far too many times because of what other people do... If you are finding yourself being self-destructive, you are likely hurting others with your actions. You need to remember that when you bring negativity to the table, you share it with those around you... I fight everyday to keep these negative demons away literally self-checking every hour I am awake and breathing (it is exhausting), but the factors adding to it must be recognized and dealt with. I'm tired of putting bandaids on infected situations, I want the infections out and the scars to form. I'm done with this phase of life's BS.

I made a promise three years ago that I would never give up, nor fall back to where I was. I am not perfect, but I will give myself one hell of an A for effort.

The few times when I see my efforts or apologies were appreciated, it feels like heaven. It is always worth it to help others as long as you don't give yourself and everything away.
Kevin Eli
Written by
Kevin Eli  California
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