I wrote a poem for you the other day but ill never give it to you
Just like i wrote you a letter everyday that i felt your memory swipe at my brain stem that month of June
You left footprints when you walked out unknowing that i could follow but as time wore on the footprints began to fade and so did you..

This is what I see when I look at you,
someone that the world has beaten down over and over
yet this has only made you stronger instead of a victim

someone that has pulled himself out of the darkness countless times
only to have it make him brighter

I see someone who has been lost with no direction
yet created a map through the unknown to guide you home

I see someone who has fought
someone that gives his all
someone that loves so hard he sometimes forgets to love himself

I see someone that has the world waiting at his fingers tips
someone that deserves peace
someone I am more than proud of

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes

You know, I think that maybe you were the right person at the wrong time


maybe you were the right person in the wrong lifetime

it is said that in the seconds leading to death life flashes before your eyes
but mine didn't

it is said that this disease is a silent killer
but I have never heard a din so loud as the chemicals consume my brain

it is said that 24% of people relapse within the first year

I was a statistic

I wasn't strong enough

but this time
I will not be a statistic
because I am not who I was

The strongest earthquake ever recorded was a 9.5 on the richter scale
the ground began to shake
quivering at first rattling the tea cups on the shelf until
buildings began to crumble like they were made from a deck of cards
falling to the ground into heaps of rubble

sometimes I feel like I am stuck under the rubble
weighing down on my chest
crushing the air out of my lungs
but I think somewhere along the line I got used to it
made peace with the fact that no one was going to find me

They say it is a silent killer
but I have never heard a din so loud as the chemicals consume my brain
the voices in my head screaming for more
coercing my conscience

"just one, wait, that wasn't enough, a little more.. just a little more"

over and over
the cycle repeats
again and again

My heart is racing
my body is numb
I exhale
all the hurt
all the haunting memories
gone

over and over
the cycle repeats
again and again

"just one, wait, that wasn't enough, a little more.. just a little more"

see, I loved you with everything I had
and I know you loved me the best you could without loving yourself
you were fighting demons of your own design
doing everything you could to calm the eternal flames rising from your core

I spent years begging them to possess me instead
years fighting for you to love me in a way you couldn't

in the end, I got what I had been begging for

now, I am trying to dampen the flames rising from my core
fighting demons of my own design

She is now all elbows and bird limbs
Eating her ever smaller
Hearing her cry in the night ****** nails on a chalk board
I want to hold her help her
Be the rescue swimmer in her ocean of tears
Holding for I am soft
Her daughter no fine specimen
A coward
A softy
Not once did she hold me
In seventh grade when I had my first kiss and he broke up with me for the girl with blonde hair and bangs
She said I was just too young
In eighth grade I fell in lust with a high school boy for the first time and ended it when I got bored but not before I gave him what i thought symbolized love.
I didn't tell her
In 9th grade I fell in love with a boy that would never be able to love me the way I wanted him to. But I stayed  for four years until I couldn't find any more of myself to break off and give to him.
She told me I would get over it.
I have a mother who the world made cold
And she had a daughter that felt too much
who she taught feeling was a waste of time

You were my foreword.
Everything that happened between us those four years were before the chapters began.
Every word leaned on the previous, piling together sentences that would sculpt the story
Stacking syllables to create a foundation
Counting apostrophes to prevent grammatical catastrophe.
But One was misplaced
And the tale compiled uneven
Backspace doesn't exist in this
And the story line is still not right

Hey babe.. Or maybe hey stranger is more applicable..
Because there is a lot of room for change in 619 days..
And enough time for a life where “you and I” existed to become past tense leaving two
individuals tied together by nothing but fragile strings of memories that will inevitably fade
enough to be painted over by a brighter color
Anyway,
I woke up last night gasping for air
Reaching for the ghost of you
Choking on the memory of how you made me feel whole
Sometimes I find myself wishing I had stayed home that night
Begging my brain to forget the first time I saw your smile
Or how your lips moved when you called me by the wrong name
My name you have since said thousands of ways and perfected in every tone
But I can't forget
I can't let go of the little things like how the freckles that pepper your shoulders get darker in the
summer
Or the story behind every scar
One night you traced a map to our future across my skin with black ink claiming there would be
no end
But the marker wasnt permanent
Eventually washing away
leaving me lost
screaming pleas of take me backs
Trying to retrace my steps
Waiting on something that has already disappeared

5 years and 1 month
that's 61 months
that's a total of 1,855 days
of me waking up next to the smell of you
a smell that will forever linger in my nose

I learned that this is called the Proust effect
certain scents bypass the brains thalamus and go directly to the smell center
causing them to trigger the most vivid memories and emotions

on that note

I found your shirt the other day
as I was trying to purge any evidence of you from my life
But I could not toss it aside before holding it to my face and inhaling your all too familiar smell

as the scent filled my nose
the flashbacks began

and now I can't sleep

thinking you were different was my crime

every night you stole from me like a waste of time

Recently I heard someone say that getting butterflies is a red flag
but when our eyes met across the bar
everything in a foggy haze of Captain and Coke
I didn't get butterflies
it was more like a swarm of wasps
trying to escape as the words rose up to find their way out of my mouth
Stinging my throat along the way

This should have been a warning

I've never been good at reading signs

You met my shadow
A monster that has been lying dormant for years
Just waiting to come out and take over

You met my shadow
The thing I tried so hard to hide and protect you from
Because I knew it would scare you away

You met my shadow
“She” appeared from the deepest hell inside of me
When I felt my world was crashing down
Taking advantage when I was weak

You met my shadow
For that I am sorry

And I don’t blame you because
When “she” comes out of the darkness
All I want is to run away too

I am not using her as an excuse
merely wanting you to understand that “she” is not me

Years ago,
I wrote a poem
warning to "never make a home of a human"

Today,
I find myself a hypocrite
eating my own advice and swallowing it whole

I made a home of you
only to realize it was constructed of straw
and all it took was one huff and one puff from you to blow the whole thing to the ******* ground

To you, I am sorry

I'm sorry that the demons in my head got so loud I lost myself in the noise
screaming nails against chalkboard just hoping you would hear me

I'm sorry that I became an unrecognizable splinter of who I used to be
clawing for you, just out of reach, from inside a locked cage

Now here I am with the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other
each day they are battling to see who I will follow

On the days that the devil wins
I spiral down into a hell I never believed in until now

On the days the angel wins though
I see a glimpse of the staircase to a heaven I always hoped was real

I want you to know, each moment I am getting closer to the top
It is no longer out of reach
And I hope you will meet me there

Our meeting was the best thing that has ever happened to me

the thing is..
it was like being at the center of the universe
and the problem with being at the center is
when things get too close they have no where else to move except away
and it makes sense because now you are out of reach

i want you to know, you made me feel important
you made me feel more than i thought i was capable of

sometimes i feel this low rattling in my chest
and i know it's you
in a boxing match with my heart
telling it to soldier up and move on

but no matter how badly you want them
people like you come and go
even if you beg them to stay

How you kissed me today is what I have been longing for

God, how I had missed the taste of your lips colliding with mine

So, I took in that moment

I engraved it in my memory

And I will go to war for that feeling again

Lately I have been taking showers so hot that they scorch my skin
leaving their mark on my body in every place that you used to kiss

How can someone make you the happiest yet the saddest version of yourself?

You are doing your best
and bettering yourself

While,
I am doing my best
yet I am destroying my body, mind and soul
Doing everything I can to be here

Because you are better without me
but I was better with you...

just tell me...

how do you plan a life with someone
and then one day
act like they don't exist?

i still remember meeting eyes across the bar
i remember the first time we kissed
the day you cleared out your closet to make room for me

and honestly
i hope she notices how you twitch right before you fall asleep
i hope she knows your favorite food
and your pet peeves

i just hope you are happy

but it kills me that it's not with me

I gave you parts of me that I don't think I will ever get back

I realized this the night that I drove to your house drunk and fell in the front door, vomiting I Love Yous all over the floor

and I'm sorry for that

but more so I am sorry to myself

for trying so hard to get love from someone who never intended to give it to me

you used to look at me like i was the only thing that kept your heart beating
you used to hold onto me like you were scared that I would walk away

look at us now

you look at me with disgust
and flinch at the thought of grazing my skin

Maybe I'm just a weak person

I couldn't get you out from underneath my skin

and I'm sorry I tried so hard

But, you were worth every second of it

you can't beg someone to love you
I have learned this the hard way

when I first met you
I knew i was ******

when two hearts collide like ours did the only outcome is destruction

This is when it hits the hardest,
at 3:47 in the morning
when I wake up and realize you aren't next to me
when the memories of us are flash flooding through my brain

sleep comes in waves these days
I have tried my best
but I cannot will these nightmares away

My heart has shattered like a piece of glass
Fragments lodging themselves in my rib cage
With every move I make I feel the shards threatening to cut deeper
There are moments when I like the pain because it makes me feel alive

And I am starting to think that maybe I am to blame for breaking my own heart by hanging onto the what could have beens

Because, my love, I could never blame you even if I so badly wanted to

And if you try to puzzle piece us back together one day, be careful not to cut yourself on this glass heart

We were electric
but then the breaker blew
how I wish that we could flip a switch and get that light back
but for now the lights have turned out and we must find solace in the dark
something I was always afraid to be alone in
because when a sense like sight is taken from you, all that's left is the unknown of what lies ahead

Four letters
that's all it will take to erase this nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from

Four letters
that are straddling this abyss between us

Four simple letters
that I keep praying you will say

Baby,
Please
Just ask me to STAY

I don't think I will ever stop holding onto the hope of a you and me
because love never made much sense until I met you
and I don't think time will heal the hole in my heart that was us

Maybe my fault was loving you too much
because, darling, you are such a beautiful human
and our souls will forever be intertwined
but if you must go for now, i understand
just know, on the other side i will be waiting

there are rocks in the pit of my stomach

the ones you put there

maybe you were hoping they would help me drown

You left

Like I was something to be forgotten

And maybe I am.
just another thing to forget

my soul is suffocating
as your cold hands clasp around it
finger by tightening finger all of me is fading

I am screaming out but no one hears me
my throat is becoming hoarse
my stomach is shrinking
everything i was is withering away

I shouldn't write this
because you might read it

but these words that are threatening to spill from my mouth will be spilled from my fingers instead

and you will be mad that a bunch of strangers are reading this

but

one night you stumbled in drunk telling me i was the only one you wanted to fall asleep next to

this was said after you told me you were tired of me

after you told me I disgusted you

so please make up your mind

I wrote a poem for you the other day
but ill never give it to you
just like i wrote you a letter everyday that i felt your memory swipe at my brain stem that month of june

you left foot prints when you walked out unknowing that i could follow you
but as time wore on the foot prints began to fade and you began to as well

Nevermind that

I have a thing for the tops of mountains
I like to stand on the hood of my car and let the wind chill my spine as i wait for the next thing to happen
we are always waiting for the next thing to happen

arriving like students on the first day of school
arriving like 1 a.m.
arriving like you never did

and at first I thought i could fix you  

I thought i could fix you when he threw me into that car
I thought i could fix you when he called me a ****
I thought i could fix you

and then i began to think that you were fixing me

but i dont think the grunting acknowledgement i got everytime i told you something from the darkest pit on the left side of my body is really considered fixing

it was just nice to say the nightmares out loud

I dissolved into a ****** wrapper in a landfill
cracked my ribs open and invited you in

sharks cant live in the air and we cant breathe in water

but i

i breathe you

And you touched me like i was acid
like i would burn your skin if your finger tips lingered too long

I wish, baby

cause then maybe we wouldnt have dragged it out this long
maybe then you would have run away like i did every time i closed my eyes

we were not human we were clothespins airing out our cloaks of emotions on the line

We were strung up like telephone wires fleeing one city for the next in hopes of a fresh start

I wrote yes on my forearm and no on my hand

I carry the guilt
like the devil is on my shoulder

I didn't mean to steal your thunder
you should have never been put on the back burner

you were my warrior
in the battle that became

I just wanted to be like you
envied the strength that you portrayed

Just know
that you deserve everything you came to be

I still have yet to make peace with the past
and to do that
can we go back to the beginning?

rewrite the past
to leap into the future

I am sorry I dug this grave between us

I never meant to

I lost myself somewhere in between the thin white lines on the table
Constantly chasing the high of feeling something

And maybe you don’t get it
And maybe you will never understand

But now
I see

I have ****** up in total

and I pray to god that you will be happy

Even if it's without me

Death is not always a body that shuts down

I have learned that it can also be watching the one that you love walk out the door

Maybe i was fooling myself when i thought we were invincible

Because now i lay here in this bed alone

And as i roll over to touch your skin

You aren’t there

Bile is rising in my throat

You threw me away like I was something to be ashamed of

Do not tell me that was the end

the contempt has finally left my body

and I am ready for the beginning

Darling,

what they say isn't true

the heartache never fades

the sound of her voice will ring in your ears

the scent of her skin will send shivers down your spine

and the touch of her hand will forever stay on your shoulder

try and find peace in these moments

you may not be able to pull her into your embrace

but take solace in the time you had

close your eyes

whisper her name

I wish I could tell you that it fades

but this heartache will never go away

lean on me darling

and whisper her name

the words that stumble from your mouth
become particles in the air
have you ever told the truth?

let me ask you
what is 12 years worth?

Being "too much"
is a blessing
not a curse

say it again
and listen
as you taste the words on your tongue

just say it again
and believe it

Here I am
Exactly where I belong
It took many changes, trials and tribulations to get here, but look
everyone
I made it

I made it

maybe not to my peak
because no doubt I am still climbing
and I will keep on until I reach that peak
At the top of the mountain
I imagine the air is clear
deep breaths come naturally
and the sun is rising.

if I could here your voice once more
would my world come crashing down around me?
would I fall to my knees and scream at god for what he took from me?

these are questions that no one can answer
not even myself

you left on a wednesday
with a fire in your soul
burning everything in your past
and never looking back

simmering coals in every footstep that you took
we became your ashes
and you had no use for them

replacing us with ***** and blow
your mind was consumed with the next fix
and in no time at all
she walked into your life...

We were ***** laundry
but the kind you let sit in the washer too long after its done
so you have to wash it again...

That was our cycle.
Gentle .
Then regular.
Then just spin.
But washing clothes too many times, you know, wears them out, love.

And I didn't want to be worn out, love.
But holes began to appear and the colors begin to fade
black became grey
white became yellowish
you became the someone you never wanted to be.

The rice is boiling over in the kitchen
and I begin to stare
find the beauty in the white foam falling over the brim
like soldiers in line where they were not supposed to go.

The hiss and silence as heat collides with hotter
and you became the person you never wanted to be.

You know me naked
you know me invisible
you know me undone.

And what happened to that?

know me still
just try
know me still, love

But now I don't know you
your inside out of what you used to be
your upside down of what is coming
you became the person you never wanted to be
or maybe one that I never wanted you to be..
And maybe in time, we will see..

this backbone to broken hearts has distorted too much
raging on against everything that was once known

and here we are again
broken hearted
slowly fading away