Boys with faces
like beds full of bloodstains.
Boys with faces
that drown best during winter,
when all the wolves in the town have just been killed.
Father every day goes out with his gun
to see what he can shoot. He leaves the house quietly,
leaves through the screen door, through the porch, his footsteps
soft as my old nightgown:

I was young, then, in that nightgown. Young, but
I remember the small bathroom downstairs
and a weathered hand ****** deep underneath the tight skin
of my chest. Everything seemed ****** then.
Everything seemed six years old vision then and he was my father’s age.

A week later the same weathered hand was on television,
this time dead, this time run over by a drunk boy.  

Tonight I love drunk boys, tonight they are the only boys
I could ever love. With their eyes blank and white, they look just like my mother.
Neither of my parents know about the nightgown. My mother
does not know about my father’s shooting. My father
does not know that I know about his shooting. At night once I was awake
and heard a gunshot and pictured a car belonging to another drunk boy.
In my dreams the same man is dying, his body crushed by a car, over
and over again. In my dream there are no drunk boys (no boys), there is just me.
In my dream I have never had parents and father has no hands
with which to shoot.

this group reminds me of you and only you.
i usually listen to it in the wee hours of the night
when my heart break is so predominant, your voice rings in my ears.
i use the music to drown you out
but instead of washing my senses clean,
it enhances your presence in my head.
i talked to you for the first time in a while today and it was alright.
then when i didn't receive your message,
you had invited me to hang out.
I’m out of town and i miss you and i want you.
even if you don’t give a **** about me,
that's okay.
as long as you pretend to love me, that's enough.
that's awful but that's how it is.
i only want you,
in any form that you present yourself to me.

Taking a seat beside you
I smile
And you return it
But it feels
empty
As I look into your weary eyes
I see nothing
Nothing of the boy I once knew
Your smile has never woken
Your spirit is always broken
Your fear only grows
As death between you tolls
Whispering
watching
Waiting for you to make a move
so it can break you down
making you lose more weight then just a pound
Laughs as you cry burning tears
Ones you hid from me for years
But what really sets me off-task
Is when I ask you and take away the flask,
'Don't you want this to stop? Doesn't it hurt?'
and you reply, lonely gaze raised towards the sky
Your lips tainted with alcoholic lies
**'I'm used to it"

I'm sorry.
I am a coward, I know.
You said "I love you" but instead of saying it back, I choked on it instead. Like that time when my friend was crying so hard at 2am because her boyfriend said that he didn't love her anymore. So she choked on her tears, and I watched her fall apart.

Then I look at you at night, lying on my bed. I was holding your hand tightly, just to make sure that you won't leave. Because every time I see you sleeping on my bed, it reminds me how my old house shook when my dad closed the door one last time. He left in the middle of the night, with no warning. I held my mom as she try to pretend she's okay in front of me, but then collapse because her own body couldn't carry so much pain. She cried, she cried so much that she didn't have any tears left. She talked less, and you almost feel like she's invisible. I was afraid to blink because I might lose her. She was fading away.

Then there was this girl in my grade. She was so vibrant and lovely. We sat together in math class. She only talks about her boyfriend and her love for music. One day, she skipped class. I saw her in the hallway, her hair wasn't combed, and she didn't even try to dress pretty like she used to. I remember going to the washroom and finding her there crying. She didn't go to school the next day. She drowned her pain with pills, and it worked. She will never feel any pain ever again.

That's why I have to run. It's not because I don't love you, but because I do.

This time I shall be perfect,
                                  if you'll come back.

When you love
I want you to love
hard
I don't want you to hold back
but I also want the person you love to realize
how delicate you are
and how it feels to be loved by someone like you
Don't love someone who holds your fingers so lightly
that they can slip away at any moment
Don't love someone who doesn't take the time to understand
your worst fears and how they got there
You're like a flower and if your petals are being plucked
before you even have the chance to heal and grow
then the love isn't worth it
Your love is worth
all the stars in the sky
all of the sun's light
and all of the moons orbits
I hope you love someone who loves you softly
and pulls your hair behind your ear when you least expect it
I hope you love someone who loves your bruises
and takes the time to figure out how they got there
I hope you love someone who has kisses that are tender
as the winter's first snow fall
but most of all I hope you love someone
who makes you feel like you found
the other half of your soul

i have spent too many nights
connecting marks on your back
you have dreamt of flickering lights
we sleept soundly,not knowing that the world is wracked.

we played soundly inside of our world
there we could be what ever we wanted to be
inside our games and innocence i was swirled
so the time you transformed into a woman, i didn't see

now i spend to many nights
trying to bring our time back
do you still dream of our flickering lights
and sleep soundly,now when you know the world outside is wracked?

Just look me in the eye
And tell me you love me