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  Aug 2020 Wilder
Janelle Tanguin
i.

I intentionally failed to wish you
a happy birthday this year,
though I know significant dates,
hours, moments, people,
by heart.
I still search for you in boys
I mistake for bandages,
the ones with eyes almost
the same shade of your hazels,
lips resounding your laughter,
resembling a wisp of your smile,
But they aren't you.

ii.

Sometimes I pretend you're dead,
because it's less painful
to stop reaching out into voids.

iii.

My mom still blames you
for everything that preceded that year.
Though you probably had no idea what happened
when we stopped talking altogether.
Can you believe it's almost been three years?

iv.

My dad wonders who was my 'one that got away'
Though, I'm pretty sure he knows
it's you.

v.

Remember how I mentioned Sylvia Plath?
How most everything she wrote
brimmed with melancholy?
How I loved every single word?
Especially that piece
where she talked about expectations
and disappointments.
You'll never know that
up to this day I still think
people are selfish enough to
always, eventually turn into the latter.
Even you.

vi.

It's sad I never got the chance
to tell you about Ted.
How she loved him so much,
she just had to dive headfirst
into the flames-- burning herself,
what was left of her--
after she found out
he never really loved her
the same way
she loved him
in the first place.

vii.

truth is,
some of us
never learn to accept
the love we think we deserve.


viii.

I don't know if you still read my poems
or if you still think about me,
about us, sometimes.
Every time you fall asleep past eleven,
a part of me hopes you do.
because I always remember you--
in birthday candles, red ribbons,
off-tune voice records, golden arches,
concrete sidewalks, pedestrian lanes,
the last flickers of city lights
softly fading out of the blue.
I remember you
in everything, in everywhere,
in everyone.
It's useless, no matter how much I try to forget.
No matter how much I just want to forget.
I want to forget.

But, how could I?

When forgetting means forsaking
the very memory of you.
Wilder Aug 2020
Someone told me to stop asking for attention
I wasn't asking for attention
but for help.

So I deleted my ambition
I sat still and just listened to what they said.

A pathetic excuse for a person calling people, normal beautiful people
Pathetic excuses for people

Holding my breath
Count to ten
Stop trying to get so much attention

I'll keep apologizing for trying to be me
So I'm sorry I don't fit in your box
I'm sorry for what I didn't think was wrong

Hold my breath
Holding till you can't breathe
Maybe that will teach you

Someone told me to stop.
But you were the one that told me to start.

And god if you tell me to shut up ever again-
I'll probably just apologize

Maybe it's not right
Maybe it's not fair
Maybe you should be the one sitting here hurting
Maybe I ought to tell you that it hurts when you say those things.

But you probably won't care
You'll slam the door right there
Slam the door in my face
Tell me I'm such a disgrace

So I'll apologize
To you
For bringing me into this world.
Because I deserve better parents then you
This got kinda out of hand, and it's because of a lot more people then just them.
Wilder Aug 2020
I wanna meet a girl
A girl who will hold my hand
Tell me
"it's ok to love"
And "don't be afraid of love"
"even if you've been hurt by love before."

I wanna meet a girl
To share my secrets with
Forbidden feelings with
Is it ok if sometimes I'm just Them
"please hold my hand
forever"

I wanna meet a girl
Late at night
we will stare at the Stars
She'll tell me
"it's ok to love"
And when her lips meet mine I won't pull away
Um I'm still alive. As you might have noticed by me posting.
bye for now!!
Wilder Sep 2019
Darling child,  take off your blinds and see
Perfect child,  look at all the things you could be
Worried child,  you don't need to hold your future yet
Broken child,  please take the knife away from your skin
Lost child,  take my hand we can find a way
Damaged child,  I swear everything will be ok
You might not be a child but they'll still always treat you that way
Teenagers aren't children. They're becoming adults and if you treat them like a child they won't grow up
Wilder Aug 2019
I had stitched every hole
Every worn down place
Yes, I was perfectly flawed
But I was sewn tight together

The waves could come
Shake me if they could
But my stitching stayed strong
I thought it always would

There's something new
Hunting me down
Sharp sharp claws
My stitches fall to the ground

Like a torrent of rain
Just enough to crack open
The floodgates

I am lost in the river and I can't see the ground
Praying for a hand to reach out but I won't make a sound
I feel like everything is great
Except I've had more panic attacks in the last week then the rest of my life?
And like I just don't want people to think i'm trying to 'be cool' cause 'everyone has anxiety sometimes you aren't special' but like, hahaha a therapist would be nice.
Wilder Jul 2019
You said I couldn't understand
You said my heart couldn't even feel
You said I could never love anyone

Unfortunately
I do.
And I do know how it feels to be
Torn
Apart
Because I couldn't control what someone had taken out of my hands

But I've never told you
The way it was
The tension spiking as the question
Popped out of his mouth
We were young
Still are
But
My heart
Is growing old
Of the feelings it cannot hold

I. Refuse to admit it
I. Never will
Because I said no
And he turned away
I still see him now and then
But I built a wall between us
All cause I didn't want to see his
Blood
On my hands

In a twisted game
Of telephone
I never meant to start
He heard
"I love you"
But I'd said
"I used to"
And from that moment on
It was a tangled loom
On which we wove
A tapestry of feuds

I still see him now and then
But I built a wall between us
And nothing will ever be
The same
Idk what to say about this one. I wrote it a couple months ago
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