I don't know
but maybe I'm not good enough

I have two friends
They come round often
Always uninvited
I can never turn them down.
They ask if they can stay
It's their decision anyway
I guess I know now

But maybe I'm not good enough

They always talk to much
I can never get a word out
Or a breath in.
They jumble my mind
And leave me silent

Maybe I'm not good enough

I only have one choice
They're always so convincing
They wrap themselves around me
Until sweat drips down my back
They leave me with no doubt

I'm not good enough

Their cries are only whispers
But their ideas, clear as day
How can one be good
If there is nothing to his name

I'm not enough

-Sx

It was the fear.
The fear that I wouldn't ever feel again.
The fear of when I lay my head on the pillow,
the feeling of nothingness would swallow me whole.
The fear that when I opened my eyes
I would have to bask in another daydream of nothing.
The fear that my heart would stop beating and my soul would dry up.
The fear that I would have to live in
this cracked casket I called my being.

It was the fear that I would awake to a broken compass and
yet another forgotten quest.
The fear that sleep has forgotten my name and awakening has become my lover.
The fear that this insomnia has become my best friend.

I do not feel better or worse, I just feel
nothing.
You waste your time with concerned comments and affection,
yet you forget that this shield of nothingness that surrounds me,
is only permeable to the unwanted and unuseful.
I see all my surroundings,
hear every whisper, laugh and cry,
taste every salt and spice,
yet my own hand still feels foreign against my face.

I wonder what anesthetic has slipped through my grasp?
but only then do I realize that this aura of nothingness, like a water-tight seal, sticks to me like another layer of skin, trapping me in this puppet which has long since  forgotten to frown.
That sparkle in my eye is not real happiness.
but the dams which stop the tears from flooding my cheek
in fear that they may carve canyons deeper than the secrets which birthed them.

It looks normal on the ouside,
I made sure of that.

But the inside.
the inside.

Have you ever felt your heart beat ice through your veins?.
Have you ever been repulsed by your own body?
Ever scared of what's in your own mind?
Have you ever feared looking into your own eyes?
Have you ever seen someone embrace you with that fake worried look?
Have you even felt scared to ask for help?
Have you ever felt more than the dumb
touch of
Nothing

-Sx

Some people don't want to go to school
Some people don't want to get up
Some people don't want to hide
But I don't want to live.

I'm not afraid of dying
I'm not sacred of lying still
What scares me is that
I might have to live
What scares me is that
I might start feeling

I would say the sky isn't so blue anymore
but I can't tell what colour it is
because there is no sky anymore
There is no tomorrow
I'm not sure if there was a yesterday
Where did my friends go
where did I go

A madman once said a soul weighs about 21 grams
but I can't even lift my arm
I live in a body made of eighty percent water
and I still can't form a drop of it at the base of my eye

The shots you fire at me
go straight through my personality
and cut me deeper than I cut myself
There was a time my smile was real
but now I'm just sad upside-down
I say i'm sad
but that would mean I am capable of feeling in the first place

Depression
Anxiety

I know them so well I gave them names
It's like being best friends with a leach attached to your soul
Before you even realize what you had
its already gone
you are already gone
there's someone else here now
This someone doesn't like what you are
Doesn't like where you're going
But deep down you know that this person
is showing you the truth
Showing you the reality of your reality
pulling the strings of your already ****** up personality
You know you should change
You know you can change
but you know you wont change

So you accept
It's for your own good
This person takes you by the hand
holds you tight and shows you the robed man in the corner
The man is not death staring back at you
but someone beautiful
he's what you have been looking for all this time
a way out
or maybe a way back
into your own body
or maybe someone else's
It doesn't matter now
and It didn't matter then
but maybe if I just keeping trying
I'll find a way back in

I've tried it all
Crushed, powder and pill
I've mixed mixes with mixtures
Tried every kind of elixir
But i'm starting to think
Maybe I can't swallow
Happiness

-Sx

There are many things I haven't done
Or it would look that way anyway
But the truth is
I've done it so much
I can't even think about it anymore
I've played it so much in my mind
I know every variable
Every senario
Every action
Every word.

It just never left my mind.
Never left my mind where It's safe
Where she can't say no
Where it never hurts
Where things always workout
Where I know, it'll be okay.

You say I've never done it,
But it just never left my mind

-Sx

Dear Mr universe
Sorry for waking up today
I'll try not to tomorrow

-Sx

You asked me to swim
in a world to shallow
asked me to run
in a race with no end
asked me to feel
with a heart with no sorrow

You asked me to fix
a machine with broken tools
asked me to laugh
at a phrase with no punchline
asked me to smile
at those whom I hate

You asked me

to keep going

-Sx

Maybe
if I just keep cutting
Eventually
I'll get the piece
That's slowly killing me
Inside

I think I am allergic
to this thing that you call hope.
Or maybe I just know
that there's none left for me.

-Sx

Hello my old friend
We have not spoken for a while.
You used to mind your own business
But now it seams that I'm on trial.

You follow my every step
I cannot lose you,
nor live without you,
you are the darkness which teams behind
my sparkling eyes,
you are the hate that hides beneath my smile,
You are the weight which drags it's feet behind me,
You are the black in my light
and the wrong in my right

you are nothing.

but you ruin everything


-Sx

Don't you think it's funny?
How we stand shoulder to shoulder
friends by nature.

But when she calls your name
And leaves mine in the past
I grip my fist a little tighter
drop my head a little lower
and clench my jaw a little tighter.
it's just another
gust of wind on this already raging fire.
Just another drop of blood
just another tear in the river
just another Twinkle in my burning eyes
just another reason to hate you
just another smile on my face

-Sx

It started with a thought
that passed onto a fear,
yet turned into a sight
my body has yet to share,

Why must it seam so inviting ?
never waking up again,

The cars all seam to be screaming
to kiss them at our meeting,

yet my knife seems so divine?
when dipped in my very own red wine,

why must this puppet show go on?
when it has already passed it's final song

why must it seam so inviting?
Never waking up again

-Sx

How can you say you understand?

have you ever felt this feeling?

Have you felt that sinking feeling?
Have you ever felt more helpless
than your mind can simply endure.

Have you ever struggled not to let your car drift across that Centre lane?
Have you ever wept at the silent knife calling your name?
Have you ever felt the call of that razors edge?
Have you ever begged for sleep to come and push you off this ledge.

Have you ever felt that feeling?

How can you say you understand?

-Sx

I'm glad you cannot see
the scars on your back
from when my knife was there.
Those trails of blood
cry for me
for what I cannot repair.

-Sx

I was once proud to call you my friend.
I used to sit on your highest shelf.
but every time you dropped me;
The cracks grew larger
the scars got deeper
and
the glue got weaker
until it was no longer worth planting the seeds of friendship in me.
For I would only break and
let the water seep through my cracks.

This seed can never grow.

-Sx

You say you are ready to hear my secrets.
You ask me everyday.
The secrets of my mouth I can do part.
But the secrets of my heart that grow heavier everyday.
cannot be dragged from
their deepening pit.
where I choose
to no longer
shine my
light

-Sx

If there is a light,
at the end of the tunnel.

why then?
does it seem
that i'm the only one,
Who sees beauty
in the
Darkness.

-Sx

You may take my feet.
You may take my hands.
You may take my arms,
my soul, my cry's
you may take my tongue,
my ears, my sight.
Or take my heart,
my love,
my life.

But if there is one thing.
I ask,

That you leave me
with my thoughts.

-Sx

Lets pretend,
we're still friends.

Lets pretend,
you don't avoid my eye.

Lets pretend,
When you saw me,
you didn't look to your left,
tease your hair
and stare behind you as I went passed.

Lets pretend
When you saw me doing work,
you didn't mutter 'fa**et' under your breath.

lets pretend,
when I asked where you were going,
you didn't hear me.

Lets pretend,
I don't see that look of denial
every time I speak

Lets pretend,
everything is fine.

Lets pretend
we're still friends

-Sx

A flame burns...

the optimist,
sees the light it makes,
and the heat it creates.

the Pessimist,
sees the oxygen it consumes,
and the wax turn to fumes.

which are you?

-Sx

We're the ones
who find shelter in the background
of a 'World wide' web.
spitting words of dark venom
on a blank page, with
a language so rich, no one
can truly understand.
Outcast
by those who never tried, nor
understood the meaning
of their own tongue.
with words more powerful
then the weapons they made.
A symphony of vibrations waiting,
for a listener yet not
to be heard,
Not bound.
behind closed doors,
or names with no faces.
nor fiction, nor prose
but real life emotions,
grief, sadness and anger
cried out in a rage.
We're the ones
who find solace
in black blood,

on a page.

-Sx

Everyday. I fall inwards. A never ending implosion.
sinking into the shadows, where ideas are the seeds
growing after this life, in the ether. Away,
from everyone, past the emotion,
past the fear, hate and love.
I am full of
emptiness.
Another
hollow host
for a lost soul.

-Sx

What is Courage without fear?
What is Honesty without lies?

What is imagination without reality?
What is experience without memory?

What is a mother without a child?
What is a husband without a wife?

What is a speech without a listener?
What are words without readers?

What are teachers without students?
What are brains without bodies?

What can be without its other half?

It can never be
without
  not being.


-Sx

He sits behind his scarlet screen,
drifting from the friends
of his own reality.

He sits behind his scarlet screen,
reaping likes,
like an antidote
to the loss of attention,
from his former normality.

He sits behind his scarlet screen,
prepared for war
within a blue virtual
world of brutality.

He sits behind his scarlet screen,
finding love
in the pixels of this
synthesized neutrality.

He sits behind his scarlet screen,
no longer looking at the server of life,
frozen beyond his window screen

Lost.

behind his scarlet screen


-Sx

Most of the time we're alive,
we aren't happy.
Its the time when we are happy,
we feel most alive.

This is who i am
Hiding behind a mask,
  my face.
scared.
of the true reality
of my own profanity
cowering.
from my own personality,
for my own brutality,
is hated by society,
hidden behind closed doors and
false realities,
fearful.
of an ill defined normality,
only escaped
by a false sense of security,
the
downed pills and
drowned bottles,

this

Is who I am