I don't know
but maybe I'm not good enough
I have two friends
They come round often
I can never turn them down.
They ask if they can stay
It's their decision anyway
I guess I know now
But maybe I'm not good enough
They always talk to much
I can never get a word out
Or a breath in.
They jumble my mind
And leave me silent
Maybe I'm not good enough
I only have one choice
They're always so convincing
They wrap themselves around me
Until sweat drips down my back
They leave me with no doubt
I'm not good enough
Their cries are only whispers
But their ideas, clear as day
How can one be good
If there is nothing to his name
I'm not enough
It was the fear.
The fear that I wouldn't ever feel again.
The fear of when I lay my head on the pillow,
the feeling of nothingness would swallow me whole.
The fear that when I opened my eyes
I would have to bask in another daydream of nothing.
The fear that my heart would stop beating and my soul would dry up.
The fear that I would have to live in
this cracked casket I called my being.
It was the fear that I would awake to a broken compass and
yet another forgotten quest.
The fear that sleep has forgotten my name and awakening has become my lover.
The fear that this insomnia has become my best friend.
I do not feel better or worse, I just feel
You waste your time with concerned comments and affection,
yet you forget that this shield of nothingness that surrounds me,
is only permeable to the unwanted and unuseful.
I see all my surroundings,
hear every whisper, laugh and cry,
taste every salt and spice,
yet my own hand still feels foreign against my face.
I wonder what anesthetic has slipped through my grasp?
but only then do I realize that this aura of nothingness, like a water-tight seal, sticks to me like another layer of skin, trapping me in this puppet which has long since forgotten to frown.
That sparkle in my eye is not real happiness.
but the dams which stop the tears from flooding my cheek
in fear that they may carve canyons deeper than the secrets which birthed them.
It looks normal on the ouside,
I made sure of that.
But the inside.
Have you ever felt your heart beat ice through your veins?.
Have you ever been repulsed by your own body?
Ever scared of what's in your own mind?
Have you ever feared looking into your own eyes?
Have you ever seen someone embrace you with that fake worried look?
Have you even felt scared to ask for help?
Have you ever felt more than the dumb
This was very hard to write about
Some people don't want to go to school
Some people don't want to get up
Some people don't want to hide
But I don't want to live.
I'm not afraid of dying
I'm not sacred of lying still
What scares me is that
I might have to live
What scares me is that
I might start feeling
I would say the sky isn't so blue anymore
but I can't tell what colour it is
because there is no sky anymore
There is no tomorrow
I'm not sure if there was a yesterday
Where did my friends go
where did I go
A madman once said a soul weighs about 21 grams
but I can't even lift my arm
I live in a body made of eighty percent water
and I still can't form a drop of it at the base of my eye
The shots you fire at me
go straight through my personality
and cut me deeper than I cut myself
There was a time my smile was real
but now I'm just sad upside-down
I say i'm sad
but that would mean I am capable of feeling in the first place
I know them so well I gave them names
It's like being best friends with a leach attached to your soul
Before you even realize what you had
its already gone
you are already gone
there's someone else here now
This someone doesn't like what you are
Doesn't like where you're going
But deep down you know that this person
is showing you the truth
Showing you the reality of your reality
pulling the strings of your already ****** up personality
You know you should change
You know you can change
but you know you wont change
So you accept
It's for your own good
This person takes you by the hand
holds you tight and shows you the robed man in the corner
The man is not death staring back at you
but someone beautiful
he's what you have been looking for all this time
a way out
or maybe a way back
into your own body
or maybe someone else's
It doesn't matter now
and It didn't matter then
but maybe if I just keeping trying
I'll find a way back in
I've tried it all
Crushed, powder and pill
I've mixed mixes with mixtures
Tried every kind of elixir
But i'm starting to think
Maybe I can't swallow
There are many things I haven't done
Or it would look that way anyway
But the truth is
I've done it so much
I can't even think about it anymore
I've played it so much in my mind
I know every variable
It just never left my mind.
Never left my mind where It's safe
Where she can't say no
Where it never hurts
Where things always workout
Where I know, it'll be okay.
You say I've never done it,
But it just never left my mind
Dear Mr universe
Sorry for waking up today
I'll try not to tomorrow
You asked me to swim
in a world to shallow
asked me to run
in a race with no end
asked me to feel
with a heart with no sorrow
You asked me to fix
a machine with broken tools
asked me to laugh
at a phrase with no punchline
asked me to smile
at those whom I hate
You asked me
to keep going