i break
i cry
i scream
i hide

i die a million times inside

i dream
i jump
i fly
i fall

i fall. i fall. i fall. i fall.
and i die a million times inside

love
is complicated
and happy
and sad
and relaxing
and anxious
all at the same time

do you even love me
why do you love me?
how can you love me
when i'm so broken
when i'm so ruined
when i'm so ugly
do
you
even
have
a
clue
how messed up i am

i can't even tell you how i feel properly
and i'm vomiting out the words on pages of letters
emails
i will never send
letters
you will never read
my depression?
you don't need to know

your girl
is perfectly fine
she's whole
and not broken
and not bruised
and not hurt

i love you baby
i love you
you are the stars in my sky
you're a whole constellation
and this is love
this is love
this is love
is this love?

can you call this love

if you gave me a bracelet
i'd wear it till it rips

if you wrote me a letter
i'd learn all the words by heart

When I get home
Wash off my makeup
Take off my fancy clothes
Look into the mirror
And see myself for the first time today.
One broken girl
Is who I really am
I'm full of cracks
And soon to fall apart.

Would you love me, even when I'm so broken?
Would you keep me, even though I'm so cracked?
Or will you abandon me, when you find out the truth
And leave disgusted by the truth?

Are you willing to love the shy, broken girl
Instead of the outgoing, popular one?
Will you love me to the core
Or do you only love my outside?
Will you love my true self
Or do you only love my mask?

My heart stops.
I'm on the ground.
My life flashes past in an instant.
I see you smiling, laughing and enjoying.
What will you do without me now?
Please don't cry because of me.
Please forget me and leave.
I lift up my hand.
Great, I'm bleeding.
Suddenly I feel your heart bleeding out as I will.
The people crowd around me.
I can hear the ambulances
But all I can think of is you.
I'm gonna miss you so much when I'm gone
Which is ironic, because I won't be there to miss you.
Don't follow me whatever you do.
I need to know that you're safe.
I'm carried, into an ambulance probably
And feel myself zooming through the roads
Within a minute, I'm at the hospital.
I'm carried out and into a room
But I won't make it out alive, I know.
Please, don't let me break your heart
Forget our happy days, forget my name
And find someone new to love.
I'm still bleeding, most likely to death
And I'll never see your face again
The world seems to disappear
And I put a smile on my face
And say goodbye to a world once dear.

I smile at your question.
You hesitated, then nodded.
But I'm breaking inside.
And the me inside of me
Screaming at you
"I'm breaking"
Why couldn't you see?
Why can't you see me?
But I know.
It's not your fault.
I just didn't let you see.
Can I let you see?
But
Will you leave me if I let you see?
If you run away, please don't run away
I'll never be okay if you run away
Inside I'm grasping, and this way
I'll never be okay either way
So I say
"Actually,
No."

When I heard that you betrayed me
And talked behind my back
A million questions arose
In the back of my mind.

Why?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why not face to face?
Why did you feel this way?
Why didn't you try to save us?

What?
What made you feel this way?
What did I do wrong?
What do you want from me?
What did I ever do to you?

How?
How long have you been doing this?
How much of it was real?
How much do you love me?
How did I not notice?

Did you?
Did you love me?
Did you love me like I loved you?
Did you realize you took my life?
Did you realize that you were my whole life?

All these questions in my mind
I gather up the courage
To ask you all the questions
To see what answers I will find.

You look at me in surprise
You always deny, deny, deny
But in my eyes
You cannot lie

I run away in anger
I run in despair
I run in regret
Of all these years.

All these happy memories
Going down the drain
Is this what you wanted?
Was this your aim?

Then I decide to confront you again
I pick up my phone
Dial your number
And you pick up.

I scream,"What did I ever do to you?
What didn't I give?
Did you want this friendship
Only to see it break?"

You scream back,"I never said that!"
"You liar!" I yell.
"I trusted you, I believed in you!
You think I'm nothing?"

I hang up, knowing that your reply
Will just be a series of denies
Dreading my life, which is stupid
Because I have nothing left.

I get so high around you
But I'm not on any drugs
So tell me do you feel the same
Do you float up into space too

Fly with me to Neptune
And to all the stars beyond
I'll hold your hand and you can hold mine

Take me to the end of your galaxy.

the scars on my wrist
keep increasing
look normal in public
inside i'm ruined
i'm breaking too hard i can't believe it
am i really the person i used to be
the bright cheery popular girl
broken inside
i dreamed a happy ending
now i just want a quick one
i can feel it inside of me
slowing down
ceasing to burn
and i don't want to stay here anymore

I can't breathe.
I can't think.
Everything rushes through me in an instant.
"He's gone,"His mother sobbed to me.
I stared back at her with a stricken face.
My heart froze, then broke
Felt that I couldn't live anymore
Now who to love? Who to go to?
I don't think I'm home anymore.
I want to find my way back to you
And be by your side forever.
They say they know how it feels
But they don't know
His mother said,"It was a car accident
And he was bleeding to death."
Suddenly I feel my heart
Bleeding out
As profusely as yours did
But in a different way
And the bleeding stops.
What's the point of being alive?
Why am I still alive?
I have no purpose, no joy, no love
You took all of it with you
I only have pain and depression
Which swallowed me up in an instant
And keeps me in a state, neither dead nor alive
But dying forever.
I decide to follow you
And try to find my way back home to you
For you are my only home where I belong
I pick up my gun, say goodbye
And fire.

Being 15
You realize,
Life's not a dream.
People think
You are more than just a teen.
Life gets confusing,
Everyone you ever knew changes
Nothing really makes sense anymore,
Now that you're 15.
Love, studies, friendship, betrayal,
Everything gets mixed up.
You might see someone in a completely new light
And someone might see you that way
But nobody understands
You might be annoyed with everyone
Or love one person passionately
You'll never feel home
And feel all alone,
And no one will understand
That when you're 15,
You're nothing more
Than just
A teen.

The steel cut through my skin.
The tears washed away the blood.
The smile covered my pain.

I didn't want to do it.
I didn't have to do it.
I did it.
But the satisfaction
You get from

That cold and sharp hunk of steel.

I lie.
I lie that I'm happy.
I lie that I don't cry.
I lie that I feel like flying,
When I feel I wanna die.
I lie that I'm contented,
I lie I'm glad to be alive,
When in reality,
I'm tired of life.
I lie a lot,
So much that
It's confusing me as well
But the biggest lie I tell is,
"I'm fine."

“Where am I?”
I asked Depressed.
Timid walked out the room.
Dumb drank his coffee.
I walked to the closet
And found Proud showing off.
Weird ran away, um, weirdly
And Attentive stared at her.
Jealous went out the front step
And Sassy commented on EVERYONE!
Copycat copied Sassy
And Embarrassed covered his face.
I asked Smart where I might be
As Cheery skipped happily past.
Distracted followed Cheery
And Smart followed me.
Speedy zoomed past, but
Where am I?
I followed Speedy, and then found myself
Suddenly back in the room
Where I questioned Depressed.
I looked in the mirror,
And I found ME!

Please
Tell me
Do you like me or not?
I gotta know
It's taking up my whole brain
More and more everyday
You are dragging me
Into a game
Which I can never win
But play anyways
But you don't know you're playing
'Cause I never told you
That I like you
Or do you?

Hey, bullies,
Why you gotta be so mean?
We haven't done anything to you,
But you keep on attacking.
Is it to feel better about your own little lives
And mess up ours like yours is?

I'm lost in a maze
Called you
I'm trying to find the way out

You can't help me out
So I guess I'll figure out myself
Where I truly am

You won't, you can't
Help me
No, not anymore

Not when you've crushed me
With your sweet little lies
Me barely hanging on

No, now I have to get out
Because I can't bear to stay here
Anymore.

By the time you're 11
And in middle school
The pressure will be high
And too much
And you'll be squeezed
Into a quark.

Did you consider me?
How I would live?
When you aren’t living?
Did you think I could live it out?
Did you think I would cry for a day
Then bounce right back
And find someone else to love?
Did you think I would forget?
Did you think the gap would be filled,
Or did you even think at all?
Were you so caught up in your depression
And trying to break free?
Did you remember the good times?
Did you?
What’s the point or asking
When you aren’t here to answer?
What’s the point of joy
When you aren’t here to share it?
What’s the point of life
When you aren’t living it with me...