It started with fun nights and stopless laughter.
It started with sweet kisses in our blanket fort, warmed by the lights hanging above us and surrounded by the soft music repeatedly mumbling love words.

It faded into talking less and only hours within 2 weeks of seeing each other, but that didn't bother us.
It should have.
It faded into ignoring each other's texts and hiding from words that start with L, hopelessly wishing that the initial spark would hold up a house of cards instead of burning it down.

It is presently a mutual relationship of two acquaintances who act like they don't know what to do with their freed hands hanging loosely instead of being held.
It is presenty an awkward time for me. Where I don't want you, but I miss you, or the things you used to represent at least, like passion and things that aren't supposed to be.

Key words: aren't supposed to be.

Grey days require colourful thinking
Bouncing energy is felt
as usual with most people's faces drawn in wonder
Why do we speak out of turn?
When those that know nothing are hungry for love

How many times do we waste our actions
We never think of where we are going
And if we might care for those that suffer
Though the lack of comfort is undisclosed
We should know what this leads to
Not pretty but to a crescent of shame
Not liking definite lessons of our pathetic existence.
Singeing ones hair on a dancing candle can mean only one thing
The flaying arms of outrageous and careless action
Spells veritable acquiescence in the days events

Notice your body
Watch the curves on the numbers on the weighing machine
Scales are for dragons, lizards and fish, not you
Don't be sure that tomorrow your heart won't be aching
For the fresh winds that drag you sideways into
A superfluous distant horizon and grateful solitude
In my life I've had stirring moments but
I realise that every time I wake
My greatest achievement is still to come
Nonetheless I am delighted that I have made it
Perhaps from which eventually all my life will be judged
No word remembered, no action recalled
But the marks I've made on my canvases will tell all

Have you ever wanted someone to beg for you?
To push against you and plead to feel you ?
To tell you how theyve ached for you .. All... Day ..long.
I need that .
Begging and baring teeth ,
Crazed without my fingertips.
I want him pacing , anxiously awaiting my return, where i can remind him again why im worth waiting for .
I want him up all night counting and recounting the 100 different ways i drive him crazy , a constant game of teasing and rewards.
I want my name to give him goosebumps, closing his eyes and hearing how it sounds rolling off his tongue.....
I want him crazy about me .

I wish I were
your favourite scar

The one that you
enjoy telling stories about
as you run your fingers across

Like a prized possession
you got by accident


*AA

System of crows stalk the sky. I miss naked, black, raw trees.

I write poems about you
that you will never read.

I could have counted
the buttons

on her green
school cardigan;

could laid my head
on her soft lap,

on the green skirt;
gazed up

at the blue skies;
seen her

looking down
at me,

her eyes
dark pearls

in white cases;
but the school bell

had tolled
for the end

of recess,
and we had

to go back in.
The afternoon

was numbed
by her absence,

the teacher
rattling on

about some
scientific wonder,

left me out
in the cold,

seeing
in my mind's eye,

she,
her beauty,

her eyes,
her smile,

against the backdrop
of a bright blue sky.

it
takes
a lot of
desperation
dissatisfaction
and
disillusion
to
write
a
few
good
poems.
it's not
for
everybody
either to
write
it
or even to
read
it.

I am working on freedom
But it's a work in progress
As much as I try and convince myself
I know I'm not ready. Not just yet.

To take responsibility,
For my safety and health,
To pick up a fork and keep down its wealth.
To prepare myself a meal
To allow myself to heal.
To put down a razor and use a different technique
Maybe one day,
But at present I am weak.
To walk innocently
Not compulsively.
To tackle negative thoughts in a productive fashion
One day will be the case
When I have the compassion.
To love myself like I do you,
Will take a long time to do.
To allow myself to make,
An error, a mistake
Without having to dance with my self defeating thoughts
I'm not quite out of those courts.

I am working on freedom
But it's a work in progress.
One day ill be ready. Just not yet.

My mother should be an author
She carves her soul into millions of pieces
Leaving it behind all of the family photos
When I see my mother
I see a woman
Who wants to hide her soul in a needle
Just so the screaming can stop in her mind,
These bottles are rattling in the living room
You see they have put shackles on her heart,
She can't love anymore
Without having ***** in her water bottle.

Where is she hiding her beer?
I feel like my mother is giving me a scavenger hunt
From the shards of glass that were left on the baseball fields
My mother used to take me to.

You know she always wasn't like this
She was strong minded and had a big heart
Tonight I will tell you the story of a woman
Who lost her soul to the Keystones to the Miller Lites
To the ****** Mary’s.
Let's rewind time
See ******* the soul in ten years

10- I look into my mother's eyes and I start to cry
Because I'm looking at a woman who I don't know anymore

9- I refused to bail her out of jail again
Because I'm afraid her kidney will fail if she drinks again

8- My mother staggered into the theater and disrupted the whole play,
My cast mates turned to me and asked, isn't that your mother?

7- I had to hold my mothers hand
Because she was throwing up the cocktail of drugs and alcohol

6- Daddy had to get mom out of jail she was drinking again

5- My mother throws the bottle across the room
And told me the reason why she drinks is because I'm Autistic

4- My mother overslept for my piano recital,
I didn't think it was a big deal
But I remember she spent the whole night crying
With a wine glass in her hand.

3- Mommy I didn't know your prescription came in a needle

2- Mommy the prescription say 2 pills a day
why are you taking 6?

1- My mother went to the doctor
Found out that she has Rheumatoid Arthritis
I don't know what that means,
But I know she will still be strong right?

0- She took me to a Dodger game for my birthday.
I remember Sammy Sosa hitting a home run that game
She told me that the only person that can **** your soul is yourself