Alone, tired, scarred,
never knowing how to feel.
Always feel like i'm being watched,
or maybe being followed.

Senses! Senses i have never felt before.
Eyes open wider!
When I am alone i don't know what to feel,
what to feel besides rejection.

Longing for his touch,
Just one touch,
just that one touch will bring comfort.
Craving those words,
those words that bring hop and love,
and make me believe i am the most beautiful,
and most special girl in the entire world.
Making me feel loved,
that i am the only girl in the world.
And his arms,
those arms that make the world stop for just a moment.
Bringing safety.

But he's gone!
Gone!
Gone before your eyes.
An illusion.
Here one minute, gone the next.
Left your life as quickly as he came in.
Blaming god,
Blaming everyone for my mistake,
our mistake.
Although I am not ashamed.
I love him and always will no matter what!

Forgive?
What does that word even mean?
It has no meaning to me anymore.
I will never forgive those who took him away from me!
Although I do have a future to look forward to,
after school he will be in it.
No one will tell me different.
No one can control me anymore.

Suicide!? Cutting!? Depression!?
Al bring back a haunting past,
but I fear its all coming back.
Especially now that hes gone.

Alone!
So alone without him.
Needing!
Wanting him!
Wanting my other half!

Mood changes, lower appetite,
No sleep, depression,
Anger, tired, weak.
All feelings of being unloved and alone.

I hear them though.
Hear them in the night.
Ghosts that haunt my past,
And my so called guardians who say they care,
But talk bad about me and my mistakes.
My mistakes!
They should just let me deal with my own mistakes,
Let me learn from them on my own!

Sitting, staring, suffocating
always feeling so alone.
Words echo in your head
haunting memories tantalize.
Always feeling nervous
or to self-conscious.
Worried of what others think
and say about you.
Words hurt and ****
seeming everytime you get
back up.
You get knocked down.
Again!
Eventually it starts to hurt
especially when your family
joins in.
I seek help!
Calling!
Shouting!
Crying out!
But no one listens
or helps...
When I eventully do get help
it seems like they never listen
or care.
But when they do start caring
i get back stabbed.
Thought I could trust them…
They say they understand
But they dont!
Never will!
Until they experience it for themselves.
Feeling so alone
scared and helpless and alone
laying on the floor
as the blood trickles down
down
down
Seeming it wont stop
But eventually it does.
Thoughts so vile enter my mind
and thats when i cry
letting it out
After years of holding it in
No one understands.
Will ever understand.
Suicide and the knife
Was calling my name…
But i dont seek the courage
and that makes me cry harder.
Thats when i find myself falling asleep
Deeper
Deeper
into the nightmares that taunt me.
Of being *****
Sexually abused
Physically abused
Emotionally abused
Bullied…
I just couldnt take it anymore.
No longer without my sister,
my best friend for life
who died in my arms earlier on.
So much blood
So
So much blood.
It wouldnt stop
wouldnt stop!
Ive lost so much courage
Thought i was strong.
Cant take it anymore.
life is hell
Judgemental
Misfits.
I dont belong
And never will.
Am i good enough?
No im not!
I use to be able to ignore it
use to
but its hard
Easier said than done.
From the time i wake up
Til i go to bed
It follows me
Like a lost puppy.
Im lost in hope
without friends
Or family
Or a mother.
just a father who took me
away from my mother
Cause cps came and
took me away
From my mommy.
i was scared
Confused
Didnt know what she was doing to me
Was wrong.
I was so young
still coping with the loss
Of my grandmother
And my dog
Who were killed right in front of me.
i didnt know any better.
Was so little and frail
And young.
But the past doesnt matter anymore
Or the present
only the future…
Depression
depression
Depression
deep in my bones
And my veins
And feel it in my pulse
And the beat of my heart.
adrenaline kicks in.
More crying
And feeling alone.
Always shuting the outside world
Out!
Not letting any one in
To see the real me
Cause shes gone
its hard to find her
wish i could find her.
Shes lost
like i am now
Always eating to much
or going days without eating.
Too much or too little sleep.
always exhausted.

Deep inside she is in pain,
no one knows what she's hiding.
She stands outside while it rains,
so no one knows she was crying.

When I heard the news,
I swallowed my fears.
I realized your escape was not my muse,
and dried up all my tears.

Deep inside there is hope,
no one knows what she's fighting.
She stands beneath a rope,
so no one knows what she's writing.

Deep inside she is lost,
no one knows she is dying.
Her life was such a cost,
no one knows she's finally flying.

Deep inside she is gone,
her soul lost forever.
My life is now this song,
now everyone knows my life was severed.

She was me, I was her,
we finally found the light.
We are wrapped in fur,
you see, we finally won our fight.

You were such a worry wart.
You would dwell on the possibility
of us breaking up. You always
said if and when the
relationship ends, you’d ****
yourself. You said you couldn’t
live without me, but then you
dumped me. Although months have
passed without response from you, I haven’t
come across your name in the newspaper
nor has it come up on the television.
I know you won’t **** yourself.
I don’t want you to, but what I want is
for you to stop being such a worry wart.  

© Matthew Harlovic

We are the lemmings
marching together towards the edge of the cliff

We are the ants
blindly following each other in the circle of death

We are the bees
sentenced to die for our curiosity

We prey
We ****
We eat
We fight

We are
desperately clinging on to
our pack
our flock
our herd
terrified of facing death
alone

The world was determined
To be where it was that day
And so each time sinned
Was inevitable in that way

The master of puppets
Thus the plot twister
Blows the trumpets
At the evil mister

Who killed a protagonist
Then himself hanged
Thus an antogonist
Inevitably becomes determinist

When he finaly does see
He is not free to be
While the protagonist
Rises up free

Into chaos
The arms of uncertainty

"What are you doing?" She asked with a hint of fear.
When she saw me,
all alone,
on my bed,
with tears in my eyes.

"Are you okay?" "Do you need a doctor?" She asked,
as the blood dripped down my arm,
and onto my white towel,
staining it red.

My bony thighs with the words,
'fat' engraved onto my skin.
My ribs were poking out of my stomach,
I haven't eaten in days.

"Can't you see,
see what you have done to me!" I yelled.
One move and I'll be gone-
I began to shake,
more like shivering.

Shivering from fear,
shivering from coldness,
hitting my tiny fragile bones.
One move and I'll be gone-

I push my mother out of my room,
and latch the door.
She is pounding,
pounding harder and harder,
screaming for me to let her in,
as she sobs and sobs.

Everything goes silent,
my thoughts begin to race,
and all I can hear is the beating of my heart.
I take the blade in one hand,
with a handful of pills in the other
One move and I'll be gone-

Slowly I press down,
harder and harder,
and the blood starts to pour out.
I swallow the pills,
and soon fall into a deep deep sleep.
Never to feel the pain,
ever again.

One move and I was gone.
All from a fight.
My mom finally gets the door open,
and falls to her knees.

Nothing will ever ever take back,
what she just saw.
Her daughter just laying there.
Still-
lifeless-

Those who wander without a noise
Playing with their old kid toys;
Remembering the fun times they had
While dreaming of their deadbeat dad.

But little did they know, he wasn’t perfect
for him to be born with a mental defect.
They expected him to happy
Always wandering with joy;
He just couldn’t stop playing with that little kid toy.

He did best to hide
But his chances were too wide
One night, it all got to his head
When he pulled the trigger next to his bed.

Luckly,
It was all just a dream
Waking up to their horrible screams.
They rush to at their fathers stay
While telling them, “It’ll all be okay”.

The father takes his gun
Handing it to his son
Preparing to eject;
And not even trying to protect.

Their dad’s defect
Must have got to their head
When the kids pulled the trigger;
And dropped dead.

As they come to a wake;
Seeing their father laying in bed
Sleeping in a quiet position;
But actually is dead.

Coming to realize,
Their father was always in joy
Stuck playing with that little kid toy.