to be loved endlessly
to have the screaming stop; just for a minute; in their arms-

I do not know how to describe it.

for as long as i have known,
i have never slept
without my shoulders heavy and back in unwinding knots.

im not even ******* grown yet.
it scares me;
adolescence has gotten me all twisted up
whatever will happen,
when i fall to the mercy of the treacherous claws of life?

sometimes i wonder,
where the **** did my adolescence even go?
man i just want to be a kid
to live my beautiful kid life
without any pain
in a dreamy house with a burning fire
parents, who love, with a desire;
to live,
to flourish!
friends, free and true
none of this rivalry; ado.

drowning
the once ceaseless erupting globules of life on the surface
grow less frequent
lachrymosity ebbs out of your lungs
like a bleeding wound
your body goes limp
but you feel somewhat at peace

the weight of the water silences the voices
it envelops you
into an emancipating abyss in between what seems like life and death

suddenly
you are flung out of the water
your body arches
as air fills your lungs once again
eyes shoot open
you see the world as it is
you see what lies beyond the crater of darkness.

you get a taste

before you are pushed down again
forced into the depths
even though you want to live,
even though you want to experience joy
but the shackles of the abyss are put on you once again

this time
instead of serenity
all you feel is longing
your body aches to see the world again
you are denied
until once again your crater becomes all you ever knew
the darkness feels comforting.

but that's not the way it works.
we don't get comfort.

you are flung between the world and the abyss
over and over again
as the clutches of the demon in your mind
torments you with the knowledge
the knowledge of knowing what you can never truly have.

because you and i?
well the abyss is all we ever knew.

w h o r e
     what a life
shamed for the hands I never wanted upon myself
scorned for the advantage he took
the advantage he took because I was broken
too broken to refuse
voice drowned out

because he's all I ever had

capricious: an outcome driven by sudden, unpredictable change (adjective)

your head gets heavy
a feeling of doom springs about
it lingers
enveloping you in fumes of doubt
it sets in, a cloud above your head.

it takes control
a silent, grey dread

colours fade out,
light grows dim
the heaviness spreads,
filling your eyes to the brim
shades of grey is all you can see

you search for colour,
desperately
to bring you back to reality

for the world you knew
sinks beneath the tide
into the dark abyss
of your mind
where shadows hide.

the abyss becomes all you know.

I waited,
dribbles of wax bled into pineapple compote.
drop by drop,
losing their spark.
I sat outside your room,
with your favourite cake beside me,
waiting for your door to open.
it never did.
The last candle burnt out
five mushy puddles of wax
a pool of tears
beside the golden cake tray.

what must i do,
to break free,
from the suffocating shackles of this mind.
To truly live,
to silence all doubt,
and end this lingering worry.
What must i do?

I love you endlessly,
I always will,
For I do not know anything else.
I do not know a world where i have not loved you and you have not hurt me.

tears separate the pain from the person.
as they fall, grief melts away,
freed.

but then why does she still feel this agonizing pain?
this feeling that just wont go away
her chest clenches in on itself
is it guilt?

guilt?
for what?
she is the victim.
she is the one who is hurt.

maybe,
after a person is battered down so many times,
after they have been slashed and throttled and pull apart into tiny pieces.
after they have been hurt over and over again.
they become the hurt.

it is not voluntary.
it is not wanted.
but they become the hurt.
and hurt, hurts.

they become the person that they once loathed.

now, as those waterfalls weep,
as the rivers stream down their face,
the excruciating pain of guilt overtakes them,
for they were once hurt, yes,
but now they have unwillingly become the hurt.
it is all that defines her.
what she abhorred,
she has become that hurt.

and hurt?
well,
it hurts.

when trying
to pour your heart out
to the one person you love
is met with rejection
and disdain
the heart becomes a sealed chamber
never revealing itself to anyone ever again

i know i am an abomination
i know you wish i were never born
i know that my existence defines your ruin
well guess what?
me.
f**king.
too.
i do not wish to be here.
i never asked for this.
and yet,
i love you endlessly.
and i always will
for i do not know anything else.

i do not know a world where i have not loved you and you have not hurt me

i was all but 7,
the first time i hated the number i saw on the scale.
u fed that to me.
and 7 year old me,
all she wanted was to become the version of herself that was worthy of your love.
i know that i am not worthy of your love.
i know.
and i'm sorry..

do you know the weight of it?
clawing your way up
test after test,
year after year,
to be the perfect reflection of the dreams they have for you,
those that are now your own.
where your worth now hangs.

when they see the prize,
they say, 'oh it comes so easily to her'

Easily?

i bled for this.
i screamt for this.
and my mind?
it whispers
'this is just what you're supposed to do'
you are 'gifted'
its your mere responsibility.
nothing to celebrate. nothing special.

isnt it?

ever feel
like a brat? so unfair,
like you'd trade it all? live bare
give up your bed, hit the streets.
to justify your hurt; make it feel complete?

you see,
we know we shouldn't feel this way.
food to eat, a place to stay.
is it selfish to want a break?
a moment of peace
for goodness sake?

or maybe i'm just a soul too deep
a secret i'm trying to keep.

every night before i go to bed,
i craft my mask
for my upcoming performance of course!
perfectly powdered cheeks, flawless.
lashes curled, a rosy smile-
always a smile.
Silent, Unseen,
always a smile.

in the cold, dark glass,
i look at myself in the mirror's depths.
the real me.
i see a twisted, gnarled mess.
a frown, eyes brimming with distress.
torn apart by her cruel mind.

how i wish the mask would set in,
so i wouldn't have to prepare this facade,
every.
single.
day.

I'm tired.

What if,
I don't have the will to craft the mask tonight?
What if I simply indulge in slumber's gentle light?
Without the weight of the mask upon my sight?

no.

they won't accept me.
and i cannot bear their disdain you see,
and so,
the everlasting performance, it must be.

do you ever feel like
that nasty little pin getting in everyone's shoes?
observing them hide the wince of pain,
putting on a big smile, being strong for you.
you watch the tinge of blood ooze out of their toe.
they tell you everything's fine.
but then,
why are your hands the ones that are ******?

'you're my world' he'd say
then immediately fade away

i let you take me. 
is what u want me to believe
heresay 'no' wasn't loud enough
but i loved you
i really did
for a long time even after it happened
i don't want you to come back
because im scared

they say love is strong enough to transcend dimensions
but when its not reciprocated
when you'd do anything for them
well then you're not very safe, are you?

i'm scared that you'd do what you always do
get me on the fence
feigned proclamations of love
that i believe
your little dove

let you come back
just for you to say
'its only for a minute'
and before i can protest
you use me and disappear
leaving only fear, so clear.

why do u fill the gaping darkness inside of me so perfectly
maybe then i'd learn that its all an illusion, certainly.