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a dog who weeps after it kills,
is no better,
than one who doesn't.
your guilt does not purify you.
2:37am yeah i should really sleep
im spiralling i think
2d · 35
depression
once you have it,
its like a shadow.
you can't outrun a shadow.
especially when that shadow's in your head.
you think things will get better,
they can't.
1:24am
capricious: (adjective) an outcome driven by sudden, unpredictable change

your head gets heavy
a feeling of doom springs about
it lingers
enveloping you in fumes of doubt
it sets in, a cloud above your head.

it takes control
a silent, grey dread

colours fade out,
light grows dim
the heaviness spreads,
filling your eyes to the brim
shades of grey is all you can see

you search for colour,
desperately
to bring you back to reality

for the world you knew
sinks beneath the tide
into the dark abyss
of your mind
where shadows hide.

the abyss becomes all you know.
a strange, cold, yet familiar feeling it is, is it not?
when the lights go out,
i am swallowed by nothingness.
it settles like a blanket over me —
but it is heavy.

the world becomes gaps and blanks.
my mind fills them.
it paints them with my worst fears:
murderers, monsters, you.
you come alive in the dark.
you lurk in the corners,
waiting for the moment
i blink.

but the images don’t move.
they are stagnant-
still, yet smothering,
seeping into skin
and squeezing the breath from my chest.

i say i’m scared of the dark,
but truly,
i fear the corners of my mind
and what they birth
when i’m alone long enough
to let them speak.
2:12am
I should sleep
i am not the reason for your life's unhappiness.
and shoving money down everyone's throat,
certainly won't help you.
or make them want you.

i'm sorry.
i've loved you ever since i was a kid
i've seen you as my hero
even when you didn't want me
even when you hurt and hit the only person who cared about me
and i ******* hate myself for it
i ******* hate myself as i'll never be able to bring myself to hate you.

you're dangerous.
you use me.
you manipulate me.
im not dumb enough to not see it.
and the worst part is,
i let you.
you know i let you.
so you do.
no remorse, no care, no love, no feelings.
cos a girl can have only one dad can't she?
and you take full and undue advantage of that.
the voices in my head make me empathize with you. even tho, u most certainly don't deserve it.
i wish i had the strength in me to cut u off so u wudn't be able to hurt me over and over again.

im sorry yall, this isn't poetry, this isn't beautiful in any way. i just needed to get it out.
5d
coward
i've held the knife
felt the cold edge of the blade against my throat
my wrist
that tiny voice inside me screaming with joy
'it'll all be over'
'pull the plug!'
i'm terrified of living.
of enduring this ceaseless torment day after day after day
seething, writhing, floundering in an ocean of pain
but the terror of attempting and being left unsuccessful scares me even more.
the fear of failure in every aspect of my life
it comes back and bites you in the back
when you finally had the chance to be free
end it all
it chains you down and keeps you there
watching you struggle
i can't escape it
the endless ******* cycle of self doubt and fear
so i'm still here
seething, writhing, floundering in an ocean of pain.
this world simply does not allow anyone the privilege of death. the privilege to be left at peace, to vaporize and slowly drift away into the night sky as all your pain settles in a pool beneath your body.
5d · 18
depression
the clutches of depression never truly let go
you have a few good days
a few fond memories
some laughs, the feeling of loneliness is combatted by warmth
a warmth that kinda sorta feels like home

and then one night you're back in your room again
city lights flickering in through the window
the feeling of dread creeps up in the back of your mind
it engulfs your brain

you swallow it down but it only spreads to your stomach
your lungs
cutting off your breath

suddenly you're suffocating again.
you're on the bathroom floor with the blade in your palm
wishing for it all to be over

just like you were.
its all coming back
writing turns pain into poetry.
something dark, cold and dreadful into beauty.
etched into the universe forever.

but,

when i'm happy,
when life is blissful,
when the rain feels euphoric
i become at a loss for words..
i go blank
the feeling of felicity is fleeting.
and is then forgotten.

life goes back to being blank and empty,
and the beauty of the moment that once existed,
is lost forever.

why do i bear my sadness like armour.
and let the happiness slip through my fingers.
why is it so easy to complain?
May 25 · 254
heal
hannah miller May 25
we cant sit
and stare at our wounds
forever
we need to heal,
it starts somewhere
it takes a toll on you
but
we need to heal.
May 22 · 190
invisible force
hannah miller May 22
You-
An invisible force.
Shaping my world,
Without a word or any remorse.

You asked me for love, I gave you faith.
And then you shut the gate.
So please, I beg,
Stay away.
And just like the moon shines bright in the night,
Try not to ruin my day.
May 21 · 56
Who moved my Cheese?
hannah miller May 21
Who am I if I stop running?
In this endless race,
Endless twists and turns,
This labyrinth with no clear escape.

They say the cheese waits for the clever,
for the fast, obedient, and blind.
But every trail,
There's nothing to find.

Ever so often,
The walls of the labyrinth close in.
Soft enough to muffle my screams,
Hard enough to bruise the parts of me,
That still have belief.

They mark my stumbles,
Analyze my pace,
Their eyes flicker, cold.
Hands leaving nothing but a trace.

Each maze-turn reeks of someone else's fear.
As if their ghost still lingers here.
Haunting.
The ground remembers each fall,
Each and every slammed-into wall.

We were promised purpose.
It was framed as choice.
But not once did I hear my voice.
Only the loud ringing of bells, bright lights,
Rewards, and shame.
Yet I still carry all the blame.

But something stirs beneath the ache.
A whisper no test can replicate.
What if i pause, mid-turn, mid-race?
And let stillness flood this frantic place?
A piece inspired from the book by Spencer Johnson, depicting the endless rat-race of life, which now begins from a horrifyingly earlier and earlier age.
May 21 · 99
the friend
hannah miller May 21
when people see a person hurting
they seldom try to ease their pain
they make jeering remarks
and take their own digs and hits
for no one notices
if a bleeding person coughs up blood
those silent souls, drift alone in the dark.

if only hearts could learn to mend,
hold the broken, be the friend.
hannah miller May 19
Tight
Suffocating
The itch
Oh, I was in a stitch.
The prickly shroud, a heavy cloud
My silent scream within, a twisted din
It pressed close, a cruel design
Those barbs and wires, I let out a hushed whine
The fabric held like a stubborn stain
No matter how much I writhe and tear, seek release
It never ceased, my inner pain.

It was torment
This endless plight
To feel just so much, yet lose the light.
Though in shade, a heart caught ablaze
Longing desperately for comfort,
Unafraid.
a suffocating sweater
May 17 · 61
self worth
hannah miller May 17
it keeps coming
the fights, the arguments
u scream the worst things one could hear
u make my insides twist and gnaw at themselves
u make my insides want to eat me whole
u make me feel that pathetic
and then
u come to my room at night
and try to make everything alright
and everytime
my low ******* self worth
thinks everything's actually alright
and falls back into your arms.
May 17 · 39
love, theoretically
hannah miller May 17
fleeting.
sailing away into the sunset
soaring through crimson skies
whispered secrets in the stillness
solicitous beams of sunlight shimmering on a surface
a gentle echo of laughter in a quiet room
a delicate hand resting on your own
a shared glance in a crowded room
a fragile smile
all fleeting.

as the morning light dissipates
notice the silence.
the hollowness when they are gone
the absence of color, of warmth

the fleeting inevitably fades
a quiet echo of what was
and the cold certainty of what is

perhaps, a glimpse
into the precarious nature of such fragile affections
the transient nature of such emotions is what petrifies me
May 17 · 157
In the flight of love
hannah miller May 17
i soar through cherry skies
not a single problem ever reaches my eyes
i am light.
weightless
i revel in the blue eyes that give me flight
they are wings of the purest hue

a love never lost, always stays true.

the wind, it whispers in my ear,
of futures painted,
life without fear.

the world below,
a hazy, distant hum
oh finally, /my/ kingdom come.

and in the soar,
i must sing.
a melody,
that the heavens bring.
Apr 18 · 119
why
hannah miller Apr 18
why
why did you come along and try to fix me?
i told you
i leave scars wherever i go.
and now im even more broken than before
dont give a drowning person a taste of fresh air.
Apr 1 · 70
the root of suffering
do you ever feel like
that nasty little pin getting in everyone's shoes?
observing them hide the wince of pain,
putting on a big smile, being strong for you.
you watch the tinge of blood ooze out of their toe.
they tell you everything's fine.
but then,
why are your hands the ones that are ******?
my therapist told me,
'don't blame yourself'
maybe that will work for you too?
Mar 26 · 74
her
hannah miller Mar 26
her
I love you endlessly,
I always will,
For I do not know anything else.
I do not know a world where i have not loved you and you have not hurt me.
27th mar 25
happy birthday love
Mar 19 · 214
street dreams
hannah miller Mar 19
ever feel
like a brat? so unfair,
like you'd trade it all? live bare
give up your bed, hit the streets.
to justify your hurt; make it feel complete?

you see,
we know we shouldn't feel this way.
food to eat, a place to stay.
is it selfish to want a break?
a moment of peace
for goodness sake?

or maybe i'm just a soul too deep
a secret i'm trying to keep.
i promise i'm not an entitled brat, that isn't me.
im just a person, with an endless ache, trying to justify my misery.
Mar 19 · 325
adolescence
hannah miller Mar 19
to be loved endlessly
to have the screaming stop; just for a minute; in their arms-

I do not know how to describe it.

for as long as i have known,
i have never slept
without my shoulders heavy and back in unwinding knots.

im not even ******* grown yet.
it scares me;
adolescence has gotten me all twisted up
whatever will happen,
when i fall to the mercy of the treacherous claws of life?

sometimes i wonder,
where the **** did my adolescence even go?
man i just want to be a kid
to live my beautiful kid life
without any pain
in a dreamy house with a burning fire
parents, who love, with a desire;
to live,
to flourish!
friends, free and true
none of this rivalry; ado.
i may or may not have just watched adolescence, which is what probably inspired this little thing (i wouldn't call it a poem).
Mar 15 · 100
i can't understand you
hannah miller Mar 15
when trying
to pour your heart out
to the one person you love
is met with rejection
and disdain
the heart becomes a sealed chamber
never revealing itself to anyone ever again
i wish you understood this
Mar 15 · 206
i know
hannah miller Mar 15
i know i am an abomination
i know you wish i were never born
i know that my existence defines your ruin
well guess what?
me.
f**king.
too.
i do not wish to be here.
i never asked for this.
and yet,
i love you endlessly.
and i always will
for i do not know anything else.

i do not know a world where i have not loved you and you have not hurt me

i was all but 7,
the first time i hated the number i saw on the scale.
u fed that to me.
and 7 year old me,
all she wanted was to become the version of herself that was worthy of your love.
i know that i am not worthy of your love.
i know.
and i'm sorry..
this will NEVER find you.
Mar 8 · 147
the performance
every night before i go to bed,
i craft my mask
for my upcoming performance of course!
perfectly powdered cheeks, flawless.
lashes curled, a rosy smile-
always a smile.
Silent, Unseen,
always a smile.

in the cold, dark glass,
i look at myself in the mirror's depths.
the real me.
i see a twisted, gnarled mess.
a frown, eyes brimming with distress.
torn apart by her cruel mind.

how i wish the mask would set in,
so i wouldn't have to prepare this facade,
every.
single.
day.

I'm tired.

What if,
I don't have the will to craft the mask tonight?
What if I simply indulge in slumber's gentle light?
Without the weight of the mask upon my sight?

no.

they won't accept me.
and i cannot bear their disdain you see,
and so,
the everlasting performance, it must be.
forever twirling and whirling, striving to reach their expectations, a puppet on 4 strings, i must be.

3.8.25
Mar 8 · 211
escape
what must i do,
to break free,
from the suffocating shackles of this mind.
To truly live,
to silence all doubt,
and end this lingering worry.
What must i do?
Mar 7 · 1.9k
imposter syndrome
do you know the weight of it?
clawing your way up
test after test,
year after year,
to be the perfect reflection of the dreams they have for you,
those that are now your own.
where your worth now hangs.

when they see the prize,
they say, 'oh it comes so easily to her'

Easily?

i bled for this.
i screamt for this.
and my mind?
it whispers
'this is just what you're supposed to do'
you are 'gifted'
its your mere responsibility.
nothing to celebrate. nothing special.

isnt it?
when there are two voices in your mind
one scorning your inadequacy,
the other a desperate, fragile echo of perceived success,
constantly vying, and battling to beat the other;
you yourself get lost in the middle.

7th mar, 25
Mar 4 · 126
transient
'you're my world' he'd say
then immediately fade away
manipulation is a bitter pill to swallow
Mar 4 · 212
all i ever had
w h o r e
     what a life
shamed for the hands I never wanted upon myself
scorned for the advantage he took
the advantage he took because I was broken
too broken to refuse
voice drowned out

because he's all I ever had
i never had him either
Mar 4 · 437
you (pt II)
i'm scared that you'd do what you always do
get me on the fence
feigned proclamations of love
that i believe
your little dove

let you come back
just for you to say
'its only for a minute'
and before i can protest
you use me and disappear
leaving only fear, so clear.

why do u fill the gaping darkness inside of me so perfectly
maybe then i'd learn that its all an illusion, certainly.
i want to hate you
instead i hate myself
bc i can't.
Mar 4 · 113
you (pt I)
i let you take me. 
is what u want me to believe
heresay 'no' wasn't loud enough
but i loved you
i really did
for a long time even after it happened
i don't want you to come back
because im scared

they say love is strong enough to transcend dimensions
but when its not reciprocated
when you'd do anything for them
well then you're not very safe, are you?
theres a burning pain inside me that wishes things were different
that wishes,
you.
the things you said.
how i wish that they were true
and i wasn't being blatantly lied to
and pathetic as it is
i'll still always love you
Mar 4 · 137
a random grey evening
capricious: an outcome driven by sudden, unpredictable change (adjective)

your head gets heavy
a feeling of doom springs about
it lingers
enveloping you in fumes of doubt
it sets in, a cloud above your head.

it takes control
a silent, grey dread

colours fade out,
light grows dim
the heaviness spreads,
filling your eyes to the brim
shades of grey is all you can see

you search for colour,
desperately
to bring you back to reality

for the world you knew
sinks beneath the tide
into the dark abyss
of your mind
where shadows hide.

the abyss becomes all you know.
a strange, cold, familiar comfort, is it not?
Mar 3 · 207
a fleeting taste
drowning
the once ceaseless erupting globules of life on the surface
grow less frequent
lachrymosity ebbs out of your lungs
like a bleeding wound
your body goes limp
but you feel somewhat at peace

the weight of the water silences the voices
it envelops you
into an emancipating abyss in between what seems like life and death

suddenly
you are flung out of the water
your body arches
as air fills your lungs once again
eyes shoot open
you see the world as it is
you see what lies beyond the crater of darkness.

you get a taste

before you are pushed down again
forced into the depths
even though you want to live,
even though you want to experience joy
but the shackles of the abyss are put on you once again

this time
instead of serenity
all you feel is longing
your body aches to see the world again
you are denied
until once again your crater becomes all you ever knew
the darkness feels comforting.

but that's not the way it works.
we don't get comfort.

you are flung between the world and the abyss
over and over again
as the clutches of the demon in your mind
torments you with the knowledge
the knowledge of knowing what you can never truly have.

because you and i?
well the abyss is all we ever knew.
*this is what depression feels like
Mar 3 · 102
hurt
tears separate the pain from the person.
as they fall, grief melts away,
freed.

but then why does she still feel this agonizing pain?
this feeling that just wont go away
her chest clenches in on itself
is it guilt?

guilt?
for what?
she is the victim.
she is the one who is hurt.

maybe,
after a person is battered down so many times,
after they have been slashed and throttled and pull apart into tiny pieces.
after they have been hurt over and over again.
they become the hurt.

it is not voluntary.
it is not wanted.
but they become the hurt.
and hurt, hurts.

they become the person that they once loathed.

now, as those waterfalls weep,
as the rivers stream down their face,
the excruciating pain of guilt overtakes them,
for they were once hurt, yes,
but now they have unwillingly become the hurt.
it is all that defines her.
what she abhorred,
she has become that hurt.

and hurt?
well,
it hurts.
i hope you cant relate

— The End —