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  Aug 2018 Ambika Jois
egghead
We cannot write silence.
The beats.
The pause.
The breath.
The way it aches
and persists

and begs that,

if only for a moment,

our consciousness is only a whisper.
our bodies,
our lips,
the air that passes through falling chests
and stillness.

A melody of emotion.
Sleeping in the quiet of a heartbeat skipped
a word lost to the wind.

The wickedness of reticence
Encapsulated in air and time.

The moment stretched too long.
Hesitation perpetuated in the grip of fingernails
pressed into palms.

We cannot write silence,
but we can try.

to find a way to immortalize emotion
to create space
in the ceaseless drone of words that speak and spin.

I cannot write silence. But I can write
tears and years
and the burn of long-stretched lies.

I can write goodbyes and hellos
And dozen ways to say
I love to hate you
Or
I hate to love you
and sometimes
I cannot tell the difference.
Silence.
The space I have upheld for myself.

I love to hate you
Heart.

I hate to love you too.

I cannot write silence.
But I know it.
and I have held it in my hand.
Inspired by the Vanity Fair article of André Aciman's reaction to his book *Call Me By Your Name* being made into a movie. Specifically the quote, "I couldn't write silence."
Ambika Jois Aug 2018
Who said,
We must love more than once,
To know what love is?

Who said,
We must kiss more than one,
To know it is worth our heart?

Who said,
We have time to experiment,
To know if it'd grow into something better?

Who said,
We can dabble in variety,
To filter out what's best for us?

Who said,
Love isn't love if it's our first,
Or last - who really knows?

Who really knows,
If it's love,
If it's worth my heart,
If it deserves my short life,
If it's best for me,
If it's me first and last,
But me?
I was once given the advice that I must not believe it's love, because it's my first experience of having feelings for someone. I was also advised to test things out for some time and see if there's someone better for me. All this advice, I followed, but I made some stupid mistakes to get to the right place. I regret those mistakes even if they brought me to the right person.

I believe in synchronicity and that everything I've done, led up to the very moment that was written in the stars for us before I even set my foot on the wrong path. So would I not have gotten there somehow when, what I was seeking was also seeking me? Would we not have found each other anyhow? Without regrets, without time wasted, without resentment and without hurt?

What's love today, if all it means is to test each other's boundaries? Does love not mean to care and be there for those who need that in their lives? Is that not all it is? When did love become so conditioned, experimental, mechanical and all about a trend? And what happens to those who've been best friends and loved each other since childhood? Does it actually help to listen to others' advice on love when you know yourself, your heart and your mind the best?

Here's my poem that asks these simple questions, that has made me even more grateful for what time I do have left in this lifetime to spend with my loved one. Thank you, universe, for not complicating it any further than it already has been, and thank you for keeping it this simple. May you have the same priceless love as I do.
Ambika Jois Aug 2018
When we were kids,
We just couldn't rest.
We'd wake up early,
Coz each day was a fest.
The younger we were,
The less we slept.
We felt waking up was better,
There was much to test!

The more we learned,
The more we knew,
The more we heard,
That more became true.
The less we observed,
The less we grew,
The less we listened,
This less became true.

We learned to wait,
We learned about patience.
We designed ourselves to fit in,
Whilst we outwaited our creations.
We began to yearn for time,
We began to yearn for another chance.
We began to yearn for what we once had,
We began to blame it on finance.

We spent our first few years unafraid,
Didn't we know then that we were in an ocean?
We didn't stop to think of that, did we?
We just continued to join the waves in motion.

We didn't know fear,
Until we reached for something others couldn't.
We didn't know fear,
Until we yearned for something others didn't.
We didn't know fear,
Until we waited in hope, whilst others didn't.
We didn't know fear,
Until the rainbows we saw weren't our own.

Now time is running out,
We're in yet another decade.
We've been through hell and back,
But we've reached this age, still afraid.
We wake up everyday with reluctance,
We don't want to face our duties.
We muster it up and turn on auto-pilot,
We let ourselves become our own refugees.

We've forgotten how we awoke,
6am every Christmas morning,
Run downstairs to see Santa's gifts,
Our tummies all butterflicious, hearts warming.
We've forgotten how we felt excited,
To face each day with the unknown
Each year taught us to be less dependent,
Leading up to the writings on our headstone.

Isn't it time we were born again, everyday?
Just so we once again embrace what we don't know?
With something new to look forward to,
Would we not find this lost joy and our own rainbow?
I was watering the plants this morning and saw this lovely rainbow. And then these thoughts suddenly came rushing in, alerting me of how we get caught up in moments that make life seem so long, when it's actually pretty short. We spend so much of this time being weary, afraid and cautious. We didn't go through all this as kids! It's actually quite a painful feeling, to know that we were happier as kids when we feared less than we do now as grown ups. I’ve feared for too long now. I just don’t have the energy anymore. It’s demotivating and has made me begin to question why I wake up everyday if I cannot feel the way I used to as a kid. Kids have such love for each day that there is much to learn from. It seems to get harder as I grow older, to be more like them. Fearless. Here’s what I feel I’ve become and I know there are more like me. I hope you can relate to this poem I wrote. Enjoy :)
Ambika Jois Sep 2017
I trusted you.
I trusted that even if I let go of your hand,
you'd never let go of mine.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you would listen to understand,
not listen only to retaliate.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you were my go to person,
not the one who had to walk away from me.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you would argue until it's fixed,
not punish me with silence and distance.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you would stay with me,
not walk out of the house and not come back.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you would come back wanting me,
not back only coz I asked you to return.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you want me even through this,
not just be with me coz you have to.

I trusted you.
I trusted that you love and care for me,
not just said so and still had the courage to walk out.

I trusted you.
or maybe that wasn't trust.

Perhaps...

I assumed you.
I assumed that you'd hold my hand,
even if I'd let go.

I assumed that you listen and understand me,
even if you're only going to retaliate.

I assumed that you were my go to person,
even if you wanted to walk away from me.

I assumed that you would argue until it's fixed,
even if silence and distance were mere threats.

I assumed that you would stay with me,
even if you wanted to walk out and not come back.

I assumed that you would come back wanting me,
even if you would only return coz I'd have asked.

I assumed that you want me even through this,
even if you were only being with me coz you had to.

I assumed that you loved and cared for me,
even if you had the courage to walk out.

I assumed you. And thought I'd trusted you.

Coz isn't that what you do,
when you love and think you really know someone?
Trust them and assume them?

Maybe that's where I went wrong.

I should've trusted you for who you are.
Or assumed differently.

Maybe I should learn the difference between the two.
Maybe I should learn to love better.

Maybe I should...
Ambika Jois Apr 2017
We don’t love like we used to love
What it meant to us is a blur now
The light has left behind everything
What’s remaining is still us, somehow

There were loads of games that we used to play
Along the way we lost each other
Our dreams turned into nightmares
So now, where is our ‘forever’?

Take a look at me – can you recognize me?
I used to be that bird only you could free
And now I’m singing my heart out for your mercy
‘Cause I still wanna be your somebody

You stayed quiet just to let me talk
Never spoke your mind, I’m dejected
How and why must I endure anymore,
When your heart and mine is connected

I need a light at the end of this tunnel
No pretending we’ve got it alright
When you won’t hear a single word from me,
How would you know if my heart cried?

Maybe I’m not as special as you first thought
But I still love you endlessly from my heart
Tell me we can go back there again and start
‘Cause I still wanna be your somebody
There’s no such thing as unconditional love. Well, that’s not entirely true. There IS such a thing as unconditional love. It only shows up evidently when we remain without any conditioning as we deliver such love. Does that make sense? ‘Cause, see, when we ‘love’, it comes with a set of conditions. Basic stencil for the art of such loving comes with expectations. If we love and bear zero expectations, that’s probably the only time love is unconditional; Or else, does it not become conditional when the most basic requirement to declare such love is that we expect it to be recognized? Noticed, even? When circumstances change, conditions change. We also change. Being who we used to be when things around us have changed is also a change in us as we no longer fit with the current circumstances like we did with the last time. Isn’t that enough to say – change is inevitable? Logically, if we don’t keep up with that change, won’t we be the ones to miss out, lose out, miss and lose? We get left behind. It happens to all of us.
Ambika Jois Nov 2016
When you know you've lived
the exact present you're living now before,
doesn't it make sense to think of it as though...
there is another part of you in another universe,
going through the same thing?

I believe in the multiverse theory,
for I cannot prove that we are not alone.
I believe there is a reason why
I feel the skies talk to me every night.

I believe someone's message is reaching me
through the beams of the moon every night.
My skin seeps it in
like a flower knows to bloom.

Ever think of a time difference
between one universe and the other?
What if we are born here on Earth and after we die,
our soul travels to another universe
and relives the same story?

What if...
we are a horcrux of our own soul
which is split up and placed
in different universes?
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