pushing through the dark, my knuckles white with the excitement, my clothes soaked. the water drenching my everything down to my bones and soul.

i fight the gods.

wind and rain pelt me but i do not give, you can't take anything more because there is nothing left.

i laugh like Ahab.

my mind is lost. no more fear, just the task. going south at speeds relative to the bravest of men. i can't help but feel the greatness of not caring whether i make it there alive.

make it home to the quiet and still air. damp from the tears, i contemplate whether i beat the them or they beat me.

Wind in my face, skateboard wheels careening toward my destination with a fervent pace, so many groceries on my mind. My music blaring within my ears, filling the world with some gift wrapped three minute long purpose for being. No one else is in my world as I roll along the concrete sides, just enjoy the beauty of the moment. Then tragedy strikes like a viper in the dark, the spot in my mind that I manifested with wood and wheels and speed, all set to a musical soundtrack is shattered with a single blow. Not a pebble or unseen ledge but you. You come into vision, my thief of heart and soul, my dreamtime tormentor, my love that won't or can't subside. Trailing behind you of course is whatever you've replaced me with, some superior person in appearance or attitude. As I roll ever nearer, all can do is imagine our perfect conversation, you know the one... That one makes you fall in love with me again. but as our bodies close in on each other, almost until I could grab you and kiss you with the supreme passion I still feel, my imagination melts back into the part of the brain that keeps me sad and all I do is make a fake smile in your direction give a half hearted waive and continue passed, trying not look back at you and the person beside.

The store I find, has an excellent selection of wine and spirits. I pick one, douse myself in it's forgetful qualities and sleep without dreams. For once leaving you out of where you should no longer reside.

What brighter parcels of my soul used to resound upon my being are now but a shadow in the valley of my heart. All of my better Angels have escaped, leaving only the scars they exited from. You who were my solitary unknowing protector, are gone now, and in your absence, only demise of self can follow.

There I was, wandering in a part of town I never know. When there I spied, with my squinty marble eyes, You there, Walking across my way. Oh, how I'd like say hi or perhaps just follow along beside, finding a path through your certain steps. But alas, there I stood, fixated on your figure, passing-away upon your path. Today I felt a funny kind of stab.  Like seeing a dead lover reincarnated but certain that they remember their past life if they tried. So I watched you fade away along the horizon, feeling more lost the further you went... Disconnected with distance, lost in a part of town I never know.

Lost upon the bluest deep, I am a ship with no plot to course. Aiming for a spot on the horizon, never knowing where I go.  

Me and you, we met on open water, two vessels in the watery wastes, lost together all on our own.

But as the break and tides rise high, I now don't think it was fate or fortune, we were just two ships in the ocean, lost together all on our own.

So though it pains me to turn asunder and go it all alone, I know now that there are ships still out there, lost but still looking for a home.

i sit here in the deep darkness, lonely as a baby bird, who has fallen from its nest. the waves of your words crash against my fragile mind. eroding me like what water does to a sandy bluff. you said so many things that you can never take back. like you loved me, like i was perfect. even with my so many scars, i believed you. what kind of fool would put stock in such silly declarations. but i am a man that does not question the one he loves. and my love for you is as wide as the sea.

Ghost in a shell. Soul in hell. I just wanna yell! But instead my eyes swell and burst into wells. Deep and dark, down I fell. I want to escape my cage and fly away but if I can, only time will tell.

We said our goodbyes long ago. Sand in our socks and the salty smell of bitter ends. I swam the ocean length because I loved you. You walked that winding road to ever after for someone else. I miss the smell of the sea. I'm afraid you took it with you when you left.

If a person can be judged solely on one's socks, then I do believe I am a man of modest yet righteous means. For you to determine my grit as a mortal with the substance not concerning the shields I wear upon my feet, means you are without proper ability of dissection of one's character. I love one other, as the Earth loves the Sun; immeasurably. And most honestly, I try to see my surroundings as if I believe that every blade of grass could be converted into a trumpet that speaks to the ages in any moment in time.

tired, tired of being alive. tired of breathing disgusting air and the lies the world spews forth from its idiotic bowels. tired of picking up trash and squeezing through the crowds of happy-go lucky yuppies and their screaming chocolate covered children. tired of seeing you every ******* Sunday. tired of shedding tears for constantly thinking about someone who doesn't think of me anymore. tired of the realization that having thoughts means nothing and they are but silent deceivers of what could happen only in my deepest heart wrenching dreams.

just plain tired.

i guess it's time to do as the doctor ordered and pop another klonopin.

your heart bleeds red, vibrant and oxygenated by the courage of your sacrifice. my heart bleeds dust. ***** and old as time can tell, it spits out the earth and sand for my fallen love. no liquid except of course the tears, but there's not enough to even make mud anymore.

awake is pain that keeps our legs moving in this never ending storm. only my many mistakes follow me in this harsh realm, like my many shadows, whispering in my ear.

i have gone mad. for the dead are living and tell me my day is done.

i don't believe in much. i don't believe in gods, i don't believe in myself, i don't believe in goodness, i don't believe in the world, i don't believe in your words, i don't believe in love, i don't believe in my words, i don't believe in humankind, i don't believe their eyes, i don't believe in the drugs, i don't believe your lies, i don't believe their lies, i don't believe in aliens, i don't believe you loved me, i don't believe in the hate, i don't believe in freedom, i don't believe the doctors, i don't believe the judges, i don't believe the TV, i don't believe this reality, i don't believe in much, but did believe in you, so special was i a fool, but now nothing is me, and everything just remains as dust in the wind.

i stood there, frozen in the moment. you seemed to look through me just like i was ghost. you set a fire upon me. or within me. and you turned and walked away.  you set it on my heart. and its been burning me alive. sheltered by my flesh. slowly my blood and sanity are sapped from me and no amount of water will douse it. this fire within. i can feel it growing. destroying my insides. my consumption of the liquid courage only quickens its pace. if only you had just walked back toward me, if only you cared enough to just blow out the evil you left me with. soon enough it will engulf me, until there is nothing left but bones, a brain, and a charred black broken heart. smoldering, in the dark.

i know it wasn't perfect. but i felt like i was in heaven. you made me happy, so happy i felt ridiculous. we didn't fight much. but i can't tell now if that was a bad thing or not. i don't know why you don't want me anymore, is it because you loved getting ****** up more than me? cause it seems you've embraced that as your new lover. or maybe i was just the guy in between your separation. the sadness of your absence in my life is so hard to bear, i can't tell if it will ever go away. what does that mean? does that mean your my one true or something like that? i didn't believe in such nonsense. but i just don't know anymore.

i don't know anything. you gave me a pill that was too vague to swallow. if only you just told you didn't love me anymore or you fell for someone else. something else, anything else. but no, just that you were ****** up and you needed to go it alone. well guess what, i'm ****** up too. and the loneliness is killing me slowly. i think about our future many years down the line and it makes me so sad to think our lives won't be intertwined anymore. you'll live in France, and i'll live somewhere else and we won't talk anymore. i won't be able to look in your eyes or remember your smile. we'll have kids with other people and we'll die on separate continents and our hands will never grasp each other again. i loved your hands, i still do. i'm dealing with this pain every day and you probably hardly even think about me anymore.

i know now that you never loved me like i loved you. i was probably just a sweet guy in the torrent of **** you've been dealing with throughout your life. but for me, you were like that person i went looking for years ago after all the trauma and the pain, i ventured through the desert and i thought it over, i was numb and had already given up. and then you stood there before me, with one flip-flop, bathed in the summer light. you saved me from myself and i never told you that. i miss you. but i know that you don't really care.

i just want you to know that all the silly childish things i wrote to you in my letters, i meant every word. you are the best person i know and i will always care for you. i am proud to have ever been loved by you.

Just a slip, a little trip, a lurch, maybe hit the lip, a stumble, a dip, the realization that that gravity's waiting for us to succumb to the drop. Then comes the fall, once and for all. The embrace of waitlessness, tumbling and turning, careening and cursing. the terror, the shift, the dark, the bliss. But all for not, for nobodies tripped, it was all on your head, you just had an anxious fit. So slow your breathing, calm your mind, get it together and get back in line.

sitting in a park, not too far from your home, i wandered the grass still wet with rain. I watched the leaves fall silent, fluttering to the ground like broken birds trying to land without dying. there in that serene scene of nature and disrepair i saw the boy, laughing and running, oblivious to the melancholy. he shared my features, just as if i had a son. stricken with wonder, i watched myself frolic in the damp and dreary weather loving the simple state of the world. it was at that moment that wished i was him again, free from the pains that the weight of the world press upon us. free from an endlessly broken heart, pieced back together too many times to call it whole. i wished myself a kid again. yet no man goes back and no scar is disappeared. the rain cries for us, those who are too tired to shed anymore tears. and so it did and i fell deaf, in awe of the blessed beauty of youth in all its splendor.

i walk the line of a man on the edge. every morning is a struggle. every drunken sleep is a blessing. waking from a dream that makes you want to sleep forever is the hardest thing in the world. especially when your life is something you hardly want to live. i walk the edge. its steel and beauty are beyond compare. sometimes in my weaker moments all i do is walk and walk and hope the gentle breeze will push me over the edge and then maybe i could sleep forever.

a body. not superficial, not completely flawless, but possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever touched.
some hair. so black and so thick if you hold it in front of your eyes you can barely see the light, silky and curly and so lovely last strand i possess i can't let myself throw it to the fire.
a mind. not unlike my own. thoughtful and smart, with a touch of cynicism, only to protect you from your unwavering empathy you feel for the people that need it.
a heart. the most lovely thing in this world. kind and careful, ripped open by the death of your father. bleeding tears of understanding. a vacuum for other peoples wrongs. perpetually hurt and yet more complete than any other this stupid man has ever glimpsed.
some hands. ruff and worn. flour caked into the cuticles. split skin and callus like your heart.
a name. to rival the most beautiful thing in the world. a force unlike anything. occupying over seventy percent of the place we call home. essential for our survival, essential for my survival.

you my love are what i always seem to dream of.

There I stand, naked for the world to see.

I look into the eyes looking back at me.

And all I can see is blue iris' and sorrow behind those funny shaped pupils.

night time. my time. the GOOD time.

the darkness. only filled by street light, in my mind, its much more beautiful that way.

the world cast in orange. and what a lovely shade at that.

the empty streets. all for the taking, i ride them down the middle in bliss. the only sounds are the whistle of the wind and my wheels creaking.

if i get a chance, i visit you. like a stranger lost in the unknown but somehow always ending up in the same place every time he completes the circle.

it keeps me sane.

just looking at that brick box, filled with you, bursting with light, even at three in the morning makes me smile.

good night brick box, good night light, i hope you get it.

i know i seem crazy. i am. but you don't fully understand. you are my ideal. i looked for five years. long and hard. i lost hope. and then there you were. beautiful as a god. with a name to rival the most wonderful thing in the world. the only thing. i loved you with every thing i had. i know i wasn't worthy. you deserve the world. your dad, anything you want. i love you so much. and i always will. until my end and believe me i will think of you. even if you don't love me. or think of me. or hate me.

you saved me. and i will never forget. please just remember our time.

I am of the unwanted, the ones of the dark. The scarred, the misshapen, the ugly of this world. I exist in the lonely avenues, with the rejects and fools that played with fire until they burned all the bridges off their islands. I am the drunk on the corner, the crazy man that no one in this world loves, I am the fool in the alley that smells too rank for "decent folk" to get near. I and we are the reminder of the world that is and will always be, not some glamorous movie scene nor a figment of the imagination of those pretty and of privileged. I am the bomb that severs limbs, and the rage that downs planes. I am what no one wants to be and until my demise I will be what the world says I am. Because that is the way this awful world works. So go forth with the heat and pollution, the death and despair and maybe just maybe the good goddess of Gaia will rid herself of our parasitic presence. fuckit.

Reaching out from a room with no windows, doors or holes.
Just a screen of blinding lights and a snarling dog that never sleeps.
Maddening I feel; so far away yet it feels just barely beyond my touch.
I hear your heartache, its rhythm is in sync with mine.
Do you hear it? Can you feel it?
Or am I just the white noise that we drown away with inner thoughts.
I try and flail but to no avail.
Alone with the terrible beast in the room that can only be opened from outside.

i'm here. in the rain. in the cold. walking. my shoes are soaked. my jacket is a darker shade blue. my eyes hurt. i don't know if its the tears or the torrent. my back has shattered from carrying my heart. the water is deep and i'm starting to slow in my pace. wondering why you turned away from me, you went back to the shelter of your lonesome heart. you told me i couldn't come. so i trudge on. searching for the thing that gives me peace. it wasn't love. i thought it was, but love is fragile. it dies. like us. so i go on. without you. my inspiration. what else could i do? a man of my means is not fit for the world we live in. not the place where things don't make sense. where logic is cast to the wind, thrown away, expected to fend for itself.

how am i expected to make it out this alive? unaltered and without injury. did you ever think about that? i think not.

the light is gone and my body is cold and wet so maybe its time for me to give in to temptation and embrace the earth. kiss her rocky surface and allow her to absorb me, take me in because at least i know that she would never abandon me.

The first one was a work in progress, She and me were figuring out how to live as wasted youth; young and dumb and full of love, all of which never tested upon another before. Little did we know that life is long and ugly, full of beauty and despair. Eventually falling back into earth's dirt, back into the mix and matter of it all.

The second, Lovely as the most brisk of winds... But flawed as a broken winged little bird, cursed to only exist among the terra creatures. She couldn't be what she could be without being a skeleton, a living contridictory to what we believe. Lover of debasement, Self deprecation and goddess of starvation; I was your believer, your boulder in the sandstorm, the step you hiked to get beyond the person I loved. As flawed in this life as we were, I loved you beyond my own ability to even perceive.

The third, The one I still can't refer to without tears or despair. The end all and be all for my being. I met you in a moment that was random and cost nothing yet cost most of all, You stole my heart and part of my soul. I told a friend the night of... "I met a girl tonight and it made my night, she struck me in a way kinda like lighting might".  Its over now and when all said and done, Life belongs to us and us alone. The three taught me to be me, As in be one and none, be the tree and the dirt, the best and the brightest, hardest and most hurt and above all, keep moving; even if it means forward then back again. Forever and than again and again and again.

i read what i wrote and i just feel stupid. i feel as if i'm careening through life and no amount of thought will help me gain control. this is new. i am new. but what can i do? no amount of thought seems to heal. because i am lost. lost in the wild and theres no one looking for me anymore. time just moves. and i stand still.

i was in love with the world through someone else's eyes.

so here i stand. rooted, yet shakeable. looking for the answers. waiting for the answers.

knowing, i'll never know they're sweet sound in my ear, or the peace they might provide me.

dear sweet woman, i lost my leaves in the earthquake... now i am naked and cold. why stand under me? i can not give you the protection you seek. i do love you though, as i love all things of the night.

They say we all die twice. The day we expire. And the day the last person who really knew us, says our name for the last time. Though I am but a single servant of fate in the most insignificant of ways, I strive to love what I can in this world of so few decent moments. I try to be true in the midst of our cosmic riptide that brought me to the edge of my own free breath. My time is but a instant. Here or there in this world of never ending time, I no longer believe in a linear existence. I am born and dead and young and old all within my own single space. Life is hard to comprehend when the squeeze of a trigger ends a life and even the truest form of love doesn't survive a fortnight. With this epiphany, I strive to only be a shadow because without acknowledgement of self, I neither live nor die. I am but spectral observer, budding anew at end of all things.

Truest love,

We have been apart now longer than we were together. Strange as the time flies like a bird in the hardest wind, my heart still beats the rhythm of your name and my soul is but a broken vase without your hand held in mine. I swear to you that I have tried in honest to lose the longing that plagues my bones but my love for you persists even now. Like a river it flows onward and though its depth may change by the season, its nature is unending. I still keep your picture in my wallet not because it does some service or I bring my eyes about it often but rather that the deepest part of me will not permit its absence. My love is hard and true and nothing seems to persuade it from its purpose, not even me. I sleep more then I should now because my love remains only in my dreams and my world is made of what moves me, whether it be what all can see or just me.

I think of you often,

Gilberto

love is not serious. it is but a way of nature that exists in all "higher" beings. it is not important nor is it useful. we as a culture put our emotional stock in this idea without thinking of its repercussions. life is not a movie. we who love are fools of the highest caliber. chemicals, hormones, the world tells us to appreciate one another and for what? to make babies? why? why, would anybody want to do that? if there was a button i could push to end humans entirely, i honestly believe i would think about it only for about 45 seconds. just long enough to think about what i felt as a man in love and then how i feel now as a human without and then BOOM! the world would fix the ecological damage we've dealt it within 250 years, the polar ice caps would normalize and true idea of nature would continue as it should.

undisturbed by love.

"we are but dust and shadow in forever of time"

I have tried and i have tried, and yet i cannot peel myself away from you. you are a serene siren, the sweetest tune, ringing out to me in the dead of night, calling to me with your memories and my dreams, i keep coming back, like an addicted sailor, crashing my hull against the jagged rocks, hoping against knowledge, that I'll see a glimmer in your eye for me once more. it hurts me every single time but i am but an embodiment of weakness in the wake of your ever living presence. i go on, look at what your life is like "without" and get off feeling more empty inside then ever before.
like a knife in my side, i limp away from the pale, mocking screen, finding it slightly hard to breath.

login, click, chick, scroll, scroll, logout. reset the sorrow.

My world revolves around you, and my being, it surounds you so I'm sorry if I'm bound to you. But I'm inside myself and you, your always on the highest shelf. I miss you, I kiss you, in my dreams at least. it's what it seems at least. You hurt me, you unearthed me.

And I've come unbound.

What do we call something that has no name? How do we say something that without the words to convey? Do we call it god, or the universe or maybe Love? My heart just says it hurts. My head reminds me none of us matter. My body feels the world and tells me the weight of it is too heavy for my soul. My self says nothing, as it is bound beneath a steady concoction of klonopin and Duloxetine. But my dreams, they say everything I can't or won't and they never serender to anything or anyone no matter the pain of living upon this caluss earth.

So I sleep and relish in my own deceptions, for when I think of waken life, what is the difference in the end?

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

some birds fly at night. some cats **** on the rug. today was the best and worst day I've had in a long time. seeing you, my brunette sparrow, who braves the darkness, wings frigid from the night air, skating on hope alone. carrying your ribbon of remembrance with a grip of unwavering determination. you, my soul singer, my Nina Simone. you caress my mood with every tone, every octave, making my most solid form melt into itself until all that remains is a jelly-****** slave to your rhythm. your my ocean, god like in the way you produce waves, waves that crash upon me and change my life's direction, waves that **** me under and fill my soul with saline. fighting your salty embrace gets me no where, surrender is the only feasible option. my life is yours and you don't even know it. right and wrong don't even matter, for the truth is all that is. and my truth, my hearts desire, is for my sound of rain to die away, for my love to miss my company, for time to stop just when you walk into my view, so that maybe i can finally get my fill of your lovely presence. because believe me when i say, its gonna take a hell of a lot more than just an occasional cup of coffee to suffice.

i walk the streets from time to time.
just to gain some grounding.
i go in the night because it suits my mood.
i walk the alley ways because you learn the most about what sorrow is that way.
i watch the sadness seep out of the gutters and watch it rise until you have to no choice but to breath it in.
broken are the faces, as they wander back to the emptiness from which they came.
it hurts my soul to see them covered in the dust of our Babylon.
they are crushed by all the bad things until they fracture and become hollow, sad creatures.
as i walk, sometimes i look to the sky. i watch the clouds roll away and give the stars a view at us who can't seem to love the sun.

i miss when i enjoyed the light.

Here I sit
In the prison-cell inside
My body and my mind are at constant odds
In a struggle to the death
Always fighting, beating and crippling; never admitting that they need one another to survive
I await with horror and dread as pieces of me duke it out
Incognizant as to which one will retire first
leaving what remains flimsy and broken
Unable to resist the great plunge

Straight into a hospital or maybe the morgue

there's only one kind of water, water that keeps me alive. it's the water of the ocean. that salty concoction that heals my soul. embodied in a women. the only woman i truly love. her name is ocean. and don't what to do now thats she's gone.

Truth is but An endless river, running through my heart. Love is but a dam, blocking all that wish to pass. Time is my boat and guilt my oar, and this water is one best traversed alone. For when I drown in the darkness beneath, I want no one else to share my fate.

i love you. despite the fact that you are unformed, unborn and conceived only in my dreams. your just as beautiful as your mother. even though she is nameless and faceless and of no character, except of course she resembles the ocean.
please be kind. under all circumstances. its the only redeeming quality of the human being. i want you to succeed me in every way, because that is the sole reason why we had you, so you can be better than me. I've made so many mistakes while walking my stretch of the road, but we will overcome this eternal darkness. through you. we're born into this world alone, and alone we go out, there is no god, there is no devil. only me, you, and the world. so enjoy it. cause i won't be here forever and neither will you. your beauty is beyond compare, your mind is shard as onyx. always love yourself. never let the world convince you your not beautiful. because your priceless. we make true what we want, remember that. when you fall, just get back up, cause all along your road you'll collect scars, they may never go away but they're make you who you are. its ok to give someone your heart some day but never give your soul away, its the only true possession any of us really own. life is hard, life is bliss, and when i'm dead and gone my only real goal is to be truly truthfully missed.

one day i hope to have the pleasure of meeting you. one day maybe i can speak my words in person. until then.

If *** is sweet and death is bitter, then love is both. It will always and forever... Break your heart.

i jumped. i dived into that lonesome pool my tears created. finally after it all, I'm emerging and all i wanted was to drown, that way i would know it meant everything to me. but i survived, i swam and struggled and even though i made it, it means next to nothing now. it transformed me into a broken piece of person. a semi functional human. one that only lives in the past tense, obsessed with sorrow. looking eternally backward, hoping for a glimpse of my love. (commence saxophone solo)

I'm so tired. my eyes are itchy, my feet hurt and my heart is numb. i feel like my soul was taken away and its enjoying our life without me. and as seemingly tragic as that sounds, somehow I've gotten used to it. I'm just numb, not dead. not yet. with the realization of this truth however, my life continues without you. we only converse in my dreams. but at least that way, i still remember your voice.

sometimes on hot days with blue skies, i look to the stars and wish a bolt of lightning would crash down through air and trees and leaves to strike me while i walk. render me nothing but charred remains and an empty heart. but the daydreams always end, and i just continue existing.

blue ocean, within those eyes. so deep i could drown. and no one except for you would know. my reflection in them somehow made my life so much easier. god how i miss them.

good night my sweet. may you dream of conversing with me as well.