JULES: (sighs) I mean… I don’t know. I guess it’s– I guess it’s interesting, ’cause, like, before I ran away, uh, I had gone to the city to visit some old friends, and… we were having this exact conversation. And… Basically, um… I feel like I’ve framed my entire womanhood around men. When, like, in reality, I’m no longer interested in men. Like, philosophically. Like, like, what men want. Like, what men want is so boring. And simple, and not creative, and, like, uh… I just, like, I look at myself, and I’m like, how the f*ck did I spend my entire life building this. Like… (sighs) Like, my body, and my personality, and, like, my soul around what I think men desire? It’s just, like… it’s embarrassing. I feel like a… a fraud.
__________________

­ShyGuy118: i really missed you today

ShyGuy118: are u really going to nyc for college?

Jules: i hope so

Jules: why… you gonna come with me??

ShyGuy118: would you like that?

Jules: it would be a dream



JULES: Some of the most profound relationships I’ve ever had have been with people I’ve never met.

I should have known I was setting myself up. Or maybe I did know. Maybe that’s, like, what I’m actually attracted to. Maybe that’s, like, the appeal.

The letdown. The fact that, like, none of it’s real. And it’s all a fantasy.

I do not quite have any words for it and it is indeed impossible to describe further, but something close to it should be—
melancholy.
Without utter doubt, melancholy.
I should stop pretending that the matter does not bother me anymore, it does. With full conviction by the heavy thud in my chest, it does. What is more saddening to this manner is that I have come to accept this resignation that there is nothing I could do about it. I've been living my life that way, by confiding into solemn retreat and actually convincing myself that there is nothing to be done. Even when in reality, there actually is.

one word to describe you (that i hope i wont ever feel but here we are): regret

where do i put all
the anger
the sadness
the frustration
all those *******
if they're about you
and yet
i cant talk to you...
not anymore

hey, do you remember that night on the first week of december? it was chilly, it was late, and i desperately need to go home. as we walk on the peaceful streets, stars above us, against the city lights... you held my hand. you reassured me repeatedly, "don't be scared, i'm here." weirdly enough, i feel safe. like everything was into place. the rest of the world don't matter. your hand intertwined with mine is enough.

i wish you could still reassure me now, like you did before. that i don't have to worry about anything, i am safe because you were with me. i wish the clock would still tick on us again. i would relieve those moments over and over and over and over and now i'm alone.

your nothing but a memory that will soon fade within me. it will mean nothing as time will pass. i'm truly dettached that way. so let me write what i feel on these pages. hoping they will last long that what i hope to forget.

its been exactly one month since we parted ways.
i was doing perfectly fine,
but today everything started rushing back to me.
an explosion of feelings. wave after wave,
drowning my thoughts and my heart.
it starts to ache all over again.
i realized... i miss you.
that's what you call this.
it is not anger or sadness,
nor it is the underlying wonder of constant what-ifs.
it is just the plain longing of your warmth and you.
just plain you.
i remember us, lying in your bed.
i pouted because you didn't tell me you love me today.
and you laughed and whispered it to me.
i started to get goosebumps all over,
you know im just sensitive that way.
you laughed again,
held me tight so i could not escape from your grasp.
pinned me down and whispered "i love yous" repeatedly.
i was squealing, laughing, trying to get away from you.
my goosebumps wouldn't stop.
i would give anything to be back to that memory again.
i wanted to remember it forever,
it was so precious to me after all.
i know we made mistakes, through and through.
you probably did not forget them, but i already did.
right now it did not matter, i just want you back to me.
and that's stupid and crazy, utterly impossible.
selfish and cruel to you.
selfish and cruel to me.
last time you told me you miss me.
but that is all there is.
it stops there. there's nothing we can do.
i dont regret anything.
you are special to me, and i hope i would not forget.
that this man once was mine, and once was my everything.
goodbye.

I dreamt it was the end of the world.
the purple orange sky was falling
crushing everything I came to know
and we kept dying
over and over
until we did things right

i want you to remember me as this:
beneath starry sky
still in the clouded moon
chasing city lights
against the november breeze
where your fingers twisting my hair
your lips crushing mine into wine
gasping how mine was the first you tasted
that night—
oh, that night
i never felt so young
despite feeling empty
and we held our gaze
as i whispered
we will never be here again
we will never be here again
we will never be here again
and you agreed—
til this day
i wish you lied
but you didn't
and now we stare
at each other's eyes
with withheld tongues
full of hushed secrets
as if that night never happened
as if you never once
made me feel special

not everything you think
belongs to you
is truly yours,
sometimes
your the only one
who thinks that way

here's to you love
for all stolen gaze
of your face
an endless maze

here's to you love
for all exasperated sighs
with longing eyes
of endless nights

here's to you love
for all our broken promises
of broken dreams
along the seams

here's to you love
here's to you
cause we cannot be
cause we never can be

when Zeus parted
human beings into two,
i could have sworn
i found my other half
in you

x

as 2018 came to a near conclusion
i thought it couldn't break my heart
more than it already does

boy, i was dead wrong

carry on.
despite how your heart is a shipwreck that sank every time.
still, carry on.

held your head high darling
for you are a queen
despite walking barefoot
without a crown

x

"You will find so much better", they say. That the fates have not allowed you to be with that soul, your paths have just crossed but not be wholly intertwine. He had come to your life and left, there must be a sole reason even if you do not know it yet. You are destined for someone greater, someone whose veins sing for your being and for your blood only. All celestial beings he came to knew before would soon be forgotten for you and only you would be his sun and moon. The thought is mesmerizing, unearthly even. To good to be true, but that is what the elders and the wise have promised you. And yet, amidst the promise of destiny and the thought that he was not made for you— you long for him still.

on that night where the sinew
that holds us has tethered,
i swore that you’ll always have a part of me.
no matter what foreign soil you wander,
no matter whom stranger’s mouth you tasted,
no matter whose warmth your fingertips touched—
you’ll always carry a fragment of my soul.

for me,
you will always be the calm shore
amidst the raging waves
in a thunderstorm sea.

x

remember me not by name
but in memory

x

the greatest story ever told
are those stories your afraid to tell

the water seemed inviting
so I plunged right through
never thought the thing that soothed me
will be my downfall too

they say remove things that are toxic in your life
give yourself a favor, take pity on yourself
but what if the thing that suffocates me
and the thing that poison my being
is the venom that my system needs
for my essence to breathe

You plucked my heartstrings so gently,
        yet it vibrates to the depths of my soul.
You make my heart sing and my feet dance,
        still being careful not to fall.

seven billion people in this world,
and your one of the lucky soul
to shed me pain and tears
to make me feel whole.
since destiny has brought this upon me
and petty me has nothing can do,
so there's only one thing that I wish,
only one thing I ask for you.
please make every moment worth it,
every smile and pain that we've been through.
every ecstasy and anguish so  pleasing,
that i'll thought maybe I deserve this punishment too.

he wasn't a storm, no.
nor is he a tsunami,
which every wave will left you breathless.
every wave hits you hard,
until you don't stand a chance.
he wasn't even the adrenaline pumping in your veins.
he won't get you hyped up,
and make your heart burst, no.
he was a quiet stream,
slowly, steady, surely.
with his meekness, you'll feel safe.
with his serene laugh,
your heart'll flutter.
he wasn't the loud music, no.
he was the steady beat,
where you'll fall in love with his tranquility.
he was the placid night,
that keeps your heart beating,
slowly, steady, surely.

she have to die a thousand deaths,
for people to laugh a thousand smile.
she have to bleed a liter of blood,
for her name to be remembered.
so never underestimate poets and their poetry,
for they have to underwent direst of circumstances,
to be solely accepted.

you *******,
you don't deserve her,
neither do her words
x

"Why won't you love me back?'' he asked, as he set his coffee down. "I've done everything all others guys do, and yet you still don't reciprocate my feelings." She smiled, her feline pupils dilated at him.
"Honey, if you did things differently then my feelings would have turned. I don't want t be showered with compliments and drown in a sea of roses. No, for what I want is blood rushing through my brain and heart beating faster because of excitement, not because of flattery."
That moment right there, he realized that she wasn't like any other girls. There's a fire blazing in her heart and fireworks exploding in her eyes, that is why he loved her. How stupid of him to treat her like any other.

she's alone with her thoughts
with four dead walls
so hard she fought
with vivid memories

full of regrets
of things she didn't say
so bad she wanted to forget
the things she spoke

she doesn't wonder how many stars there are
or how the galaxy swirls,
or how her feet is steady to the ground.
how the earth is circling slowly,
gently, how she couldn't feel it.
and how the universe orbiting the way it is.
but instead she wonders,
how she could see the stars in his eyes.
how could she feels her heart swirling endlessly
like the galaxy when he smiles.
how her feet were not steady
when she stares and he caught her staring, and their eyes locked.
and she tried not to think about how gentle his fingers were,
while he's strumming those strings of her heart.
or how big her fear is, that he'll end up being her universe
and she'll find herself orbiting endlessly around him.

They say that an endings
is just a new beginning.
But what makes me crestfallen
is not because you bid me goodbye,
or the tendency that the winds of change
will blow our sails differently.
No, it's the dread feeling
that I'll start a new beginning without you,
after everything we've been through.

You are like the rain.
As much as I would like to grasp
little rain drops in my palms
and tuck it in my pocket,
keep it with me.
But no, as much as my heart
wants it, yearns for it,
not all things in the world
flows to your heart's delight.
So I'll try to enjoy the rain's presence,
while it's still pitter pattering on my windowsill,
unsure of when will it go away.
I'll let it soak through my skin,
savouring the feeling, every last moment.
Cause your'e like the rain.
I'll never know when you will come again.

you poor, poor selfish girl
the earth does not revolve for you
nor does the galaxy twinkle for your heart's delight
the winter does not glisten for your smile
nor does the cloud took color for your glee

you poor, poor selfish girl
your no special just like any other being
you're just a girl like any other thousand girls
your hurt? so what?
you crest fallen like any other thousand girls
so don't think your any betterf

i want an escape
where my hands sparkles with magic
adrenaline coursing through my veins
there is excitement and fun
and all i care about is saving other people
where i dont want a prince
but he still willingly comes to me

i want an escape to this ****** up life im living
where my hands are scarred
tears seeping through my cheeks
there's delussions and torture
and i can't even save myself
where i want a friend
but they all willingly walked out with my life

what is woefully sad
it's not that you left me
or the fact that
i just let it be

what is woefully sad
is i still deeply love thee
and the fact that
she's the one who broke your heart and not me