The girl who would rather spend her Friday night at home organizing her room than at the parties.
The girl who would rather curl up and read at lunch than sit and socialize over talk of nothing but "people".
The girl who would rather drown out the world with music than sit in class and be involved.
The girl who would rather work alone and finish her homework in class, than sit in the big social groups making weekend plans.
The girl who would rather be independent and be judged as a loner than be friends with people who will secretly judge you.
The girl who would rather collect books and records than makeup.
The girl who would rather study astrology than watch every show on Netflix.
The girl who would rather thrift shop and buy $3.99 boots than buy top of the line $80 boots.
The girl who realizes that all of this does not make her any better than them.
The girl that realizes she is only trying to impress herself; confidence is key.

january
how many more broken nights of crying will it take before you are strong enough to say goodbye?

february
stop forcing yourself to swallow your feelings. you are so much more than he is claiming, and you need to get this through your head.

march
follow your gut feeling. the way he speaks to you and makes you feel will never be okay and this is toxic.

april
stay true to your word and stop giving him more chances. he comes crawling back with flowers on your bed and you take him back every **** time.

may
you want to prove to him that you don't need him, and once he sees that get back together with him in a few months. but you tell everyone else that you are done for good.

june
you are surrounded by music and dancing and laughing and for the first time in a year you feel alive and apologize to yourself for allowing his brokenness to consume you for so long.

july
you can't imagine ever being with someone so toxic again. you regret letting him manipulate you for so long, but you know that you had to learn a lesson, and are now not so naive.

august
this has been the greatest summer of your life and you are thankful everyday that you worked up the courage to leave him.

september
you start college and see that he would have prohibited your future if you didn't leave him. he was manipulating and toxic.

october
you start to really like a new guy and for all the right reasons. you see patience, understanding, and empathy, all things that the last boy lacked.

november
you are still crushing on this boy and have now kissed him, but you know that you still do not want a boyfriend, you are not ready, you are still too damaged.

december
you are now dating this boy. you are scared to fall for him because you never again want to be so blinded by love that you stay long after it's gone bad. let yourself fall. this time you have learned, this time you are stronger, this time you are stable, and this time a good thing lies ahead.

I want to burn every piece of clothing you have ever touched on my body.
I want to forget about all the times the tv was more entrancing than me.
That takes a toll on a teenage girl you know- giving her the mindset that her mind and body are not nearly as interesting as a reality tv show.
I want to go to the top of a mountain and curse your name to the heavens hoping it changes something, anything.
I want to do all of this not because I still have feelings and it's hard; no darling, not at all.
I want to do all of this as a way to cope with my young naitivity and my blind reactions to it all.
I want to go back in time and whisper: "run as fast as you can."
I want to forgive myself for being young and open to love and move on.

Love is not overbearing.
Love is not waking up from a nap to someone on your phone, reading all of your texts, even from your friends.
Love is not someone making you feel guilty for innocently associating with the opposite ***.
Love is not someone passive aggressively allowing you to do social things.
Love is not someone making you feel ashamed for having posters of cute celebrities in your bedroom.
Love is not controlling.
~I promise you will grow to resent them for their controlling actions over time.

Some days I feel as if I have it all figured out.
To be laying in my bed hours later, unmotivated to get up and take care of homework or laundry.
Some days I feel as if I have so many great friends and I'm so lucky to have such a big social circle.
To be sitting alone hours later, unsure of why I feel so alone surrounded by so many others.
Sometimes I feel like a beautiful little flower that deserves to be admired.
To be standing in the same spot hours later, insecure of every aspect of myself and praying to look like a pretty girl people want to look at.
Some days I feel as alive as life allows you to feel.
Some days I feel as dead as you can feel while still breathing.
And that fluctuation may scare me, but it is inevitably okay and the sooner I learn to embrace it the better off I will be.
~This is what it feels like to be alive & well my friend.

To love and be loved- that is the greatest gift.

But do you ever realize that love is not limited to being an abstract power held between two emotional beings.
Love exists all around us and we choose to put emphasis on it with humans.
Love exists in the flowers you planted that are finally peaking their heads out for a new beginning.
The love you gave to it will soon be returned as it will flourish in front of your own eyes.
Love exists in the furry creature that licks itself to sleep at your feet.
The love you provided it in food and water and affection will soon be returned to you when it keeps your feet warm the whole night through.
Love exists in the little boys eyes at the grocery store as he eyes up his favorite candy bar.
The love you gave by purchasing it for him will soon be returned as you watch him bite into the luxurious chocolate square and remember how candy bars were a lot cheaper in your day.
Love exists in your favorite songs on cold winter days, where the only way to warm up in your car faster is by distracting yourself by shouting the lyrics a little offbeat.
The love you gave for this song will soon be returned to you as you hear it years down the road and get a warm nostalgic winter day feeling.
Love exists in the outfit you're wearing, with your cute little sunflower skirt, your black tights with a slight run, and your oversized sweater that matches your boots.
The love you put into this outfit will soon be returned to you when you feel like a goddess walking down the cereal aisle in search of your favorite berry blend cereal.
Love exists all around you in forms unrecognized by most of us.
The life you are living is full of love, and the more love you put out the more love you receive.
Do not be shy with your heart, fall in love with those favorite boots you have, fall in love with that catchy overplayed radio song, fall in love with the slim piece of light that peeks through where your blinds are broken.
Fall in love with yourself, and fall in love with your life.
You are an artist and the whole world is your own blank canvas darling.
What colors will you fall in love with first?

The touch of his finger is enough to drive my mind off a bridge, or two.
His mind is always racing, and when I'm lucky enough to cross it, I embrace it.
Our minds connect and relate like the waves know how to crash in the ocean.
And just like the ocean, and it's immensity, that's how I feel when I'm beside him.
Brave, limitless, and daring.
Two forces joining as one.
Drowning in the ocean is quite a fear, but they say you don't even realize until it's too late.
Being with him is like drowning in the ocean: sweet, sour, gone.

I could spend hours trying to predict the next phrase of carefully strung together words that will fall from his tongue, as he sends me a text in the late am.
But after hours of pondering, that would do me no good.
His engaging and unforeseeable mind has a way of making me feel like a goddess every time.
I wish I could express to you the way his cheeks bunch up and his eyes light up when he laughs.
It's like someone's lighting a bonfire in his eyes, bright enough to burn down an entire forest.
I wish I could put into words the feeling he gives me by simply stringing together the letters of my name.
This boy is addictive and lingers in my mind even in my sleep.

And he isn't even aware of these powers he holds.

This boy has been the only continuous thought on my mind for the past week.
I wake up and am instantly reminded of the sweet words he caressed into my head before I slept in my state of bliss.
He makes me feel on top of the world beside him.
He's the king, I'm the queen.
I feel whole and I am happy and that is enough for me.
The feelings he gives me through his simple words, spreads through my body faster than bees can escape a broken hive.
Much like someone who did the breaking, you feel like you need to run, but you can't.. for the realization is much too late.
I am so intrigued, and so completely drowning, deep into
the vision of this boy.
My mind has felt perplexed on why it has felt so drained.
But it shouldn't feel ashamed  because the nonstop, pleasurable thoughts of such a divine, would be enough to overwhelm anyone's head.

I miss you the most at night
When the world is so still & silent
That the echoes of us making love
Linger on my bedroom walls~
Thinking about your hands
Makes my heart speed up... a lot.
I’m scared no one’s touch
Will ever burn a fire in my soul
Quite like yours did.
An immense wildfire-
That somehow
Always left me to germinate in the aftermath....
alone.
But that’s the way of nature I suppose

My favorite people in life, are the ones that come into your life and change you in more ways than you ever thought imaginable.
The type that come in to your life and you think to yourself, "Man I really loved sleeping before this person came along." The kind that have you dancing around your room while getting ready in the morning, & singing in the shower and car as if it's the last song you'll ever hear.
The kind that bring out the natural joy in your soul you had bottled up for so long.
You feel like they have given you this great gift of happiness, but
happiness can't be given.
They just fear off all the bad things and allow your happiness to shine through.
These kind of people are the kind everyone's life should be filled with. We all deserve them.

The way he looks at me is as if he is at a theater watching the titanic, but the ship is still sailing as the credits appear.
He looks at me as if I have found the cure for cancer, as if I am important and worthy of so much.
His voice has become my favorite song. On repeat in my head are phrases and words that he has carefully spoke to me and touched my entire being with.
Thinking about him and our time shared together still sends out invitations to the creatures to come flutter in my belly again. Or have they ever even left?
I keep telling myself they will leave soon, but they insist on staying; the party isn't over.
Looking into his eyes is a lot like peering into my own soul. I can see so deeply and feel so connected to him AND myself.
It is incredible and probably the greatest feeling to be able to look into someone's eyes and see and feel so much.
I am falling so hard for this boy, my knees are scraped and I've acquired bruises on my belly, but my body won't stop until it is fulfilled.
It's like it is literally drawn to him and will not quit until I have completely fallen.
He is the only thing I could compare pain to, and still crave it.

Falling falling falling!!!!
So fast. No stopping now.
Seriously too far in quick sand, no way to escape now.
Speaking of escaping.
His eyes.
Make me feel like I'm escaping all my problems, and quite literally a mix of being at sea and amongst the clouds. So beautiful and dreamy and God I could stay lost in them all day. Can't even begin to fathom the words to describe them. He is quite the work of art and no amount of beautiful words put together is enough to recount the masterpiece that he is.

The actual pain and anger I am overwhelmed with when he puts himself down is unbelievable.
It's like I have had a masterpiece painting hanging in my house for as long as I could remember, and one day someone expresses they don't see its beauty. You explain to them it is all about their angle and perception of it. They do not understand. When you finish a great book or an excellent movie and you hear people critiquing it based on what they've heard of it, not by what they've seen and experienced of it. The frustration I get when he bags on himself is unreal and unfair, because if he saw himself like I see him, he would understand why some people believe that certain smiles could cure cancer and end wars. He is the type of boy you read about in books. He is art and a masterpiece and everything in between. He is lovely, he is perfect, and he is all mine.
To him: So next time someone puts down your favorite book or favorite band, remember your frustration and fury, and remember that is how I feel every **** time you consider yourself anything less than the exquisite human being that you really are.

Maybe that's all it really takes. Maybe it just takes that one person to kiss you so hard that you want to stop time and taste their familiar flavor and love forever. Or when he traces every crease of your young naive body and you can feel the butterflies trying to escape through your bumpy, chilled, yet excited skin. Or when he holds you in his arms in his kitchen at 2am, and without speaking it he shows you that everything really is going to be okay. Or when he makes the little things matter such as, "it's cold don't forget a coat; put on your seatbelt please; watch your step." Or when he holds your hand and you can feel your insides filling up with happiness, like a charging phone, he has become your source of power. Maybe all that it really takes is that one person to come along and make you question why you ever stopped writing. That one person who becomes your inspiration for trying desperately to make your words sound poetic and beautiful deep into the am, but always giving up because no amount of words will ever come close to capture the beauty of him and all that he really is.

Your name is engraved into my brain just like I always hope your kiss will stain my lips.

When people ask about you and I reply "He's good; We're good." I wonder if they know that what I really want to say is that yesterday we drove through a closed amusement park making plans of which rides we'll go on in the summer. Or that we drove home with the music so loud that  it was as if it was trying to drown the thought of you out of my head but failing song after song. Or that we stopped at a McDonald's in a small town and gazed out the big windows together while we waited for our food, discussing where we each dream of living in the future, but why our dreams seem so unattainable. Or that our first date was to the place we first met at our elementary school playground, and you kissed me, relieving my childhood dream. Or that as we walked uptown we discussed how silly and hard it will be to teach a baby how to drink without back washing into a water bottle. Or that we fell so hard for each other that despite our constant words of "we're just friends" we ended up naked under the covers one night, twice. And that we made two our magic number. Or when we walked uptown and sat in a little coffee shop sipping on our latte and hot chocolate as you wrote about us in a dream journal on the counter. Or when we spent a day after school doing nothing but heating up cookies, dancing in your kitchen, and sliding across your wood floor in our socks, seeing who could go farther. I wonder if they know that every time they say your name I am reminded of how thankful I am to have you in my life. Or that every time I see you smile or laugh I am reminded of what being in heaven forever will really be like. I wonder if they know that I'm falling for you so hard, and so fast, and not holding myself back at all.

They say the one you think about at 3am is the one who has your heart. But that's not true. The one who has your heart is the one you think about at 3pm. The one you think about when you're going about your day.. doing the dishes, cleaning your room, hanging out with your family. Fall in love with the one you think about at 3pm when everything seems okay and you are surrounded by people you love. Not the one you think about for a few desperate seconds at 3am when everyone is asleep and you are lonely. Fall in love with the one who despite how busy and distracted you are, still finds a way of sneaking into your mind. Not the one who is slowly floating around it when there is nothing else to think about.

I'm not sure how many poems I'm going to write about him, or how many songs I'm going to dedicate to him, or how many hours I'm going to spend thinking of him, before I fall in love with him. But that is one day I am looking forward too.

Sometimes you meet that one person and everything just comes naturally. They start to remind you of all the aspects in life you'd somehow let slip your mind. They remind you of what it's like to go outside after it rains and to smell the moist, calm air and take it all in, making everything okay for a few moments. They remind you of what it's like to be a little kid and be happy enough to dance around your bedroom, singing into near objects like your favorite hairbrush. They remind you of what it's like to wake up on Christmas morning with that warm excited feeling, I bet you thought you'd never feel that Christmas morning feeling again. They remind you of what it was like when you were little, and you would build a fort in your living room with all the blankets and chairs you could find. Then you'd crawl inside and lay down and feel like you had created your own little world and everything was good.
They came along and whispered to your soul, "follow me", and you followed. Not knowing what you were doing or why, you just knew that this perfect person had come along and reminded you of the quieting smell after a downpour, the overjoyed "dance it out" mood, the warm feeling on Christmas morning, and what it was like to be in your own perfectly created little world. Those feelings were all natural, and things obtained and experienced as a kid. Maybe we spend our whole lives searching for that one person who in some way lived a similar childhood as you, and brings back those innocent and soothing feelings of being a kid and having your biggest worry that week be what new toy you would play with tomorrow.

His lips are my favorite flavor. I cherish his taste and find myself  craving it within moments after he is gone. We laid there tonight lip-locked and smiling behind each kiss, and for some reason each kiss was its own. Each kiss seemed to symbolize us to me. To represent all the little things I love about him, and how each thing is just as great as the one before or after. To represent the number of little butterflies this boy has given me, and will proceed to give me in the future. To represent how many little feelings of hope between us I have felt and will hopefully continue to feel. And to represent our good times. How each date is special in its very own way and just as good as the one before or after. Our kisses began to create lists inside my head, but no matter how they varied, the top of each was haunted with the word "you."

Stain my lips with your kiss, like the orange and yellows stain the morning sky to clear the way for the sun. I want to taste you now and I want to taste you later. Don't be greedy with your love, sharing is caring, and I would love to be included if you are giving. I want to roll over in the morning half asleep and explore every part of your mouth. And I want to rollover in the late night, wide awake, and explore every part of your mind. You are an incredible, independent, and intricate boy and I don't plan on taking advantage of that ever. I want you at all times of the day and I want you over everyone else. For you see, if my mind must be filled with thoughts of something, I am begging for it to be the thought of you. And even if something else feels it stands a chance, they can shy away as they watch the thought of you fill every single part of my mind, places I didn't even know existed. You fill me up and make me think and feel alive. And I wouldn't trade this for the world.

He found me in places I never even realized I was lost in.

Is love the color of his deep ocean blue eyes?
Or the color of that light blue t-shirt he wears that makes me feel like I am drowning in them?
Or maybe love is the color of that grey & red baseball tee he wore once that looked like it was solely made to fit and hold his muscles.
Maybe love is the smell of that familiar cologne he wears that reminds me of the first day we hung out and when he carried me to his car.
Or maybe love is the smell of the cookies we will make in the future in our little home together at 2am with no interruptions except our playlist changing songs.
Or maybe love is in the way he looks at me as if I am something so extraordinary while we are simply lying down, or sitting at a café.
Maybe love is in the way he looks at me when I say something ditzy, but he keeps his mouth shut to spare my feelings.
Maybe love is tucked away in the mess of blankets we seem to create every single time we are on a bed together.
Is love the sound of his voice when he calls me to tell me he misses me at 1am, or when he calls and asks to hangout at 4pm?
Is love the sound of his voice when he tells me that he can't express how grateful he is to have me in his life and how he wants me to be by his side forever?
Or maybe love is the way the word babe rolls off his tongue like an old familiar song with a warm memory.
Although these are all very logical places that love may like to hide, I believe love's favorite hiding place, is in the constant laughter and glowing smiles we share whether it is 2am or 2pm.
Love is patient and love is kind.
**He is love.

Let's make a map of all the places we've made love in this small town.

Everything about this boy loiters in my mind at late am hours.
I can't get enough of his love.
I can't get enough of him!!!!
The way he holds me when we take naps, or the way he holds me when we're hugging.
The constant giggles and smiles and smirks that he is.
Every **** thing about him stays in my mind & keeps me up at times I should be fast asleep.
He is the best I've ever had.
Who knew love was a drug?
It is actually worse than drugs, more intense, but so much better and worth it.
I don't know how this all happened so quickly, and I don't know how or why our chemistry is so strong...
I just remember him holding me in his arms and thinking about how awful it will be when he has to let go.

Mesmerizing and magical are the only two words to describe him.
The feelings are so real and everything feels so perfect.
I can't help but be so happy that I'm dreading the ending.
I want nothing more than to feel this high forever.. Happy ever after. But life is not a fairytale. It is so sad that I can already tell by how deep I am, that losing him is going to be the most tragic form of self destruction I will ever experience. Loving him is its own form of self destruction, but losing him will be life changing.

His voice is my favorite song. And I often think about how I would love to break the replay button trying to hear it forever.
His lips are the kind that taste like magic and teenage love. And I often kiss him hard hoping the taste will linger later.
His height is tall and perfect. And I often feel very small but very protected by his side.
His smile is contagious. And I often find myself smiling because he is, or digging to find my deepest darkest tricks to try to make him smirk.
His hair is the messy *** hair type. And I often hope that one day that will be the actual reason why it is messy.
His personality is like the life of a party. And I often sit there and admire him when we are out, when he is most literally shining brighter than a star, representing the life of a party.
His mind is a universe of its own. And I often spend hopeless days and long nights trying to figure out the mystery he is.
He is the best thing to ever walk into my life. And I often wonder how empty I would feel without him and hope he feels the same.

I kissed another boy tonight.
But his lips weren't quite as big as yours
and he didn't taste like you.
I didn't fit in his body quite like yours
and he didn't touch me like you did.
The comfort zone wasn't quite like mine and yours
and the urge to touch wasn't there.
I miss you
I wish moving on from you was easier
But how can I when my favorite show reminds me of you?
and my favorite pillow is haunted with intimate memories of you?
and my coat screams out where you always held me close?
and my body misses your gentle touch.
I miss you

I made the mistake of texting you
it hurts to hear that you hate me
that i was only ever a drug to you
and you are cutting yourself off
but this is called moving on
and i will be ok
"you know id come see you in a heartbeat right"

You say you love that I see you through only my eyes and not the worlds.
But that is only because
You are not your bitter mood on your bad days when the world is not in your favor.
You are not a naive teenage boy who doesn't know enough to form arguments with adults.
You are not your hometown or the funny kid in class.
You are not where you plan to go to college after high school.

You are your favorite meal and the way it tastes just a bit saltier than sweet.
You are your favorite songs and the way they get silent right before the bass drops in the car and the sound overwhelms you with goosebumps.
You are all of your witty remarks that I will never cease to be amazed by the quick intelligence that your mind holds.
You are your kind words that I crave to hear every morning and every evening.
You are your favorite movies and why the part where they accidentally shoot the gun at the wall is hilarious.
You are your passions and deepest dreams that no one bothers to understand.
You are a beautiful living form of art and deserve to be loved.
You deserve someone to wake you up with soft kisses and quiet whispers.
You deserve someone to make you breakfast just the way you like it.
You deserve someone to make your bed and put away your clothes.
You deserve someone to be there for you even when you are in your grumpiest states.
You deserve someone who loves music and thunder storms just as much as you do.
You deserve someone who loves spontaneous adventures and quiet summer evenings.
You deserve to be loved and I hope that one day you come to see that.

I would always favorite some signs over others. I would always say "Oh I'm so glad that I have no gemini in me" or "I'll never have a scorpio baby one day." But after analyzing you, I have learned that you are a little bit of each sign and that is beautiful to me. I've learned that each sign has contributed very special and important traits to craft you just the way you are. I am no longer so close minded towards some signs, you have taught me that beauty can come from any and all of them.

I love that you are a Taurus and that I am a Virgo and that that is a great compatibility. I love that we are both Earth signs and stable and practical because of this. I love that your Taurus sun allows you to be patient, calm, and cautiously slow. I love that you live simply and if it's not broken, you don't fix it. I love that your Gemini ascendant is the reason you are so restless and why your eyes wander all over the room and back in a matter of a few seconds. I love that your Gemini moon provides you with a quick intellectual mind and persistency. I love that your Mercury is Taurus provides your constructive mind and your second nature of observing. I love that your Venus in Aries allows you to be strongly sensual and flirtatious. Your Mars in Leo allows your great drive to put your ideas into actions and your warm, lucky personality. Your Jupiter in Sagittarius is why you think big and profit accordingly, and provides your higher mind capacity. Your Saturn in Pisces is your vivid imagination and intuition. Your Uranus in Aquarius is your inventiveness and originality, your wry sense of humor and your unique mind. Your Neptune in Capricorn is why you are extra practical and concrete, and good at Chemistry (your major)! Your Pluto in Scorpio is your tendency towards secrecy, psychic abilities, and passionate side. Mars in your 3rd house is your determination and need to stay active and speak your mind. Jupiter in your 6th house is your success in work, loyalty, and dependability. Pluto in your 6th house is your excellent concentration and intent on seeing results. Neptune in your 8th house is why you are a visionary and you seek to give your life more meaning. Uranus in your 8th house is your unusual outlook on life & death. Saturn in your 10th house is your self-reliance, ambition, perseverance, self discipline, and likelihood of achieving success. Venus in your 11th house is your sociable side and your desire to marry a friend. The Sun in your 12th house is why you enjoy privacy and quiet, you have difficulty expressing yourself, you are only close to a few, and success may come later in life for you. Your Mercury in your 12th house is your tendency to be contemplative, and your ability to work things out for yourself. Your Moon in your 12th house is your sensitive side, your reception and intuition towards others, your tendency to hide your real feelings, your need to get away from others to restore yourself, and your creative imagination.

When your heart is broken
And you carry the heaviness with you
Everywhere you go-
You begin to wonder
If the sun is ever going to come out again
You begin to wonder
If you will ever find joy in little things again
You being to wonder
If you will ever be able to go a single day
Or perhaps ~a single hour~
Without thinking of you
And forgetting how to breathe

Everything is great
Then the silence is broken
A heavy thud
Then everything is blurry
And finally-
Everything is black

To say I am crushing on you is to say that the titanic had a "little accident." For it is so so so much more. My heart hurts because I know that you and I will never be together. I know that we can love quietly in the dark on weekend nights. But I know that as soon as the sun is up our moment is over. I try to stay up all night with you so that we can spend time together and share secrets and love endlessly, but the sun comes up too early every **** time and it hurts so badly to accept the reality that you and I will only be a nighttime feeling. Mr. Sun has a way of renewing us with energy and ideas, and reminding us that it is time to separate in the light of the day. I want you to take my hand and lead me to somewhere that you and I can make love as loud as we want without anyone hearing. I crave your gentle kisses and I crave to hear your laugh. I want to hear your laugh when I'm falling asleep and when I'm waking up, and every moment in between. I have never loved someone so innocently. Tonight I spend 4 hours watching tv (which is boring and a waste of time) just to be in your presence and to hear you laugh and happy. I like to be around you as much as I can and it makes me so happy when you are always so smiley and happy. If only you knew what your smile did to me. Tonight I sat and watched you amused by a ******* squirrel flying an airplane and I just silently wished that one day you would be that amused by the presence of me. That one day you would decide you need me in your life, that you would call me on a lazy afternoon and confess your long lost love for me. But I am not foolish. I know this will not happen. I know that I have slowly fallen in love with your presence and I know that I am so ******* because I like you so **** much. I love the way you wake and bake and I love the way you are so **** absentmindedly cute yet you pick up on things I never realized you did. I love the way you laugh at everything and I love the way your smile and laugh is so electrifying and makes everyone feel so good because it is pure innocent amusement in your eyes. I love the way you are gentle and slow, making up your mind carefully and cautiously.

This is so bad...

Somehow
Every time I gripped tighter
You became further.
It felt like
I was drowning,
Catching all the life savers
But stacking them all on you.
It felt like
I was trapped in the dark,
Or did you put my hood on?

I know that one person always loves more.
And I know that in this situation that person will always be me.
I know that I have slowly submerged myself into your presence and completely fallen for you.
I know that when I told you this, it intrigued you.
I know that you do not like me like I like you
but rather
it is more of a curiosity game with you
and of course
the affection I am providing is worth taking to you
It hurts to know that you are only intrigued and that you do not actually see me the way I see you, or like me the way I like you.
It hurts that you are talking to me for pure fun and something new.
But I will pretend to not be phased
and push ahead as if I am unbothered
because I consider myself lucky to have gotten your attention at all.

Some want to be remembered
for their touchdown record.
Some want to be remembered
for their body count.
Some want to be remembered
for their brilliance.
But I want to be remembered
for my kindness.
I will admit, I look back and remember the boy who always scored the touchdowns that always made our student section roar and fill with happiness.
I will admit, I look back and remember the girls who told funny, yet repulsive stories about their adventures of sleeping with random guys.
I will admit, I look back and remember the brainiacs and how they could make something as minuscule as a piece of gum a deep conversation starter.
But I will also admit, that looking back they have no significance to me.
Looking back, I remember the people who were kind above all else, I think of those people more frequently and hope they are doing well.
I remember those people and admire them for staying positive in a world so hopeless and full of hate and negativity.
I remember those people and feel a little less alone and know that they would be there if I called.
I wonder if those people are out in the world right now, spreading even more positivity and making others feel a little less insignificant.
I aspire to be remembered by kindness.

I asked you to come over last night.
I felt like I was laying on rock bottom
With no way to get up
As more rocks were gradually being stacked on top of me.
The weight became too much to bear
My body started shaking uncontrollably
I did not want to be alone.
“Just take deep breaths, I’ll hurry.”
You came over and you climbed into my bed
You held me until my racing heart had calmed
And I finally felt like I could breathe again.
Then something in you switched-
You started gripping me tighter
Moving your hands to lower places
“Please babe, I really don’t want that tonight.
 I don’t feel like myself. I just want you to hold me.”
You were persistent, whispering
“Your body tells me otherwise.”
My heart began to speed up again
As I tried one more time to say,
“Please I can’t handle that tonight.
I thought it was clear, I just wanted you to hold me,
And make me feel okay again.”
This time you tried to take my pants off.
“Do you want this-
Or do you want me to go home?”
Giving me an ultimatum.
“I just want to feel okay.
I don’t want that tonight.”
And with that you got out of bed and
Grabbed your keys and belongings as you headed for the door.

I made sure you were watching-
As I undressed myself
Throwing my clothes into a neat pile on the ground
Before wrapping myself up in my fuzzy blanket
To comfort and calm myself.
I saw your true character last night.
And I learned
That you cannot find serenity
In the same place you found discomfort.

Humans in essence are nature.
I am the selfish squirrel gathering all the nuts for himself, out of sight from the others.
I am the tiny ant who spies a crumb across the room and knows it will be worthwhile if he can reach it.
I am the spider, building a web reminding myself of patience, and that quality takes time.
I am the lion feeling brave and courageous as I keep on treading and trying to feel in control of my life.
I am the fly that lands and sits alone in a busy room, just watching and observing all the commotion.
I am the inch worm, who is very slowly journeying his way everywhere.
Humans are a work in progress.
Be selfish like the squirrel when you need to care for yourself and make things happen.
Be strategic like the ant and make strenuous goals.
Be patient like the spider, allow yourself time.
Be confident like the lion, face things head on.
Be reserved like the fly, sit back and allow yourself to see the whole picture.
Be determined like the inch worm and enjoy the journey.

If you aren't marrying your best friend do not get married at all.
I mean that and do not take it lightly.
If your best friend didn't like your new haircut would you care?
No, so don't care if your boyfriend doesn't like it.
If your best friend said hurtful words and degraded you, would you stay friends with them?
No, so don't keep your boyfriend who does that.
I want you to think about all of the incredible memories with your best friends.
Laying in bed discussing astrology until 4am
Playing sims until 6am
Adventuring to lookouts just in time for the sunset, and one time even for the sunrise
Sitting in the park beside the river doing blackout poetry
Laying in bed drinking hot tea and watching friends
Laying in the dark listening to music together
Discussing why intuition is one of the most important traits for people to have, although many don't.
Analyzing people and situations together
Getting really high and enjoying each other's company and meaningless giggles
I want you to think about your best friends and remind yourself that if this boy does not fall into this category, if this boy cannot do all of these things and be enjoyable company, then you don't need him.

I always thought we were the perfect match.
But matches are meant
                                   to ignite
                                         and burn out.

I try so hard to get your attention.
I try desperately everyday.
But you do not seem to notice me.
Perhaps you do notice me, just a little too much.
Perhaps you notice that I am a mess and that I am not more sure of myself than you are of me.
Perhaps you see that I am something you would never get involved with. Perhaps you don't even notice me at all.
Please look.

The hardest part about writing poetry is the boundaries you create for yourself.
You think of ideas to put onto paper, but you feel like those thoughts are mundane and probably previously overused.
The hardest part about writing for me, is pushing past those thoughts and convincing myself to write about it anyways.
I need to understand that I have my own twist on similar ideas as others.
I need to trust my mind and let it do the talking.

You grew fond of me and decided
I was ~just right~ for the part.
But my wide-eyed gaze & animated youth
Was uninformed I was being casted.
You held my strings so loosely at first-
Gently allowing me to spin for you
In my favorite skirt and flower top
But you slowly wrapped the strings
Tighter around your fingers
Giving me a warm, innocent grin-
To distract me from the scene at hand.
You maintained control so well-
The true art of the puppet master.
But I will not be attending the final showing.
Thank you for the preview though.
~Let the casting begin~

I want to be written about is all.
I want to be a mysterious cute girl who seems to be enjoying her book a little too much as her tea is getting cold.
I want to be the bold girl, who isn't afraid to speak up and show you that she does not conform to society's wants of her.
I want to be the self-sufficient girl who rides her bike to the grocery store and back, regardless of all the extra weight.
I want to be the Eco-friendly girl who proclaims herself as an environmentalist and makes flyers to hang up around town: "save our planet!"
I want to be the girl with good music taste, who even if you don't enjoy her music, you enjoy talking about it with her because of her passion for her genres.
I want to be the intelligent girl, who has taken it upon herself to learn the alphabet in sign language for the fun of it, or strives to learn about the intelligence of ocean creatures.
I want to be so packed full of a personality that I am practically overflowing.
They say you can be anything you want to be -
So why not be everything?

I want to love you innocently.
I just want to be around you and embrace everything that you are.
I hang on to every laugh and every smile you bring into the air I am breathing.
I find myself so lucky to live at the same time as such a human as yourself and to find you in my life on top of it.
I know that you cannot help who you like and I would never ask you to try such a thing.
But for what it's worth,
I like you
I like you a lot
and if one day you decide that you like me too I would be the happiest girl alive.

"And I hope I'm not sounding too desperate, I need love and affection."

It is written in the stars that I am an over-thinker. That I am an over-analyzer. That I am a control freak. These are the traits that I drive myself crazy with, but these are also the traits that have allowed me to feel so many things on so many different levels and I must embrace it.