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Sep 2020 · 917
dearest
ari Sep 2020
my love,
    my light
look at you
           those eyes of purity
                                 and trust
         that wrap around my mind like a blanket
oh, to feel your hands
              interlocked with mine
  
my dearest, my dearest, my dearest

my love
i love you
Sep 2020 · 377
honey
ari Sep 2020
his words
like tea
unsweetened and
bitter on my tongue
but now he's
added honey
and the love is
all the more sweet
im back after an extended hiatus.
May 2020 · 1.9k
dr frankenstein's mistake
ari May 2020
dear cops
we fear you
we are afraid to speak up
you attempt to shut us up
with your guns and your teargas
we will only scream louder
how does it feel
to face the monster of your own making?
i am a latinx youth.
i am scared
i have never been more afraid to live in this city.
la is brutal.
Apr 2020 · 3.0k
another dream about him
ari Apr 2020
a dream in which
i finally was enveloped in your arms again
being held tightly
the dreams are getting more frequent
with the idea that my one chance to see you this year
will be ripped away from me
i want to write songs with you again
i want to see your perfect smile
and listen to you talk about
your anxieties with me like i'm an old friend
why must you live so far
why must we be years apart

i miss you
forbidden love
Apr 2020 · 345
a conversation
ari Apr 2020
i spoke to my mother this morning
about my most recent ex
and how i would still take him back
in a heartbeat
she said to me
"that makes me sad,"
and the only response
i could muster was
"love is dangerous when the abuse feels like home"
disclaimer: a lot of our relationship was lovely but the abuse i experienced with him was neglect and a lot of degradation about me worrying about him so much... he was a drug addict
Apr 2020 · 1.1k
red-handed
ari Apr 2020
my blood is on his hands,
but oh,
he got away!
"he's a thief! he's a thief!" i cry
as he runs into the distance
with my innocence in a bag
thrown over his shoulder
i scream and shrill
"there's not enough evidence," they said
but my blood!
oh, my blood!
it's on his hands!
i want to douse him in gasoline and throw matches on him
i will laugh and smile while he screams
Mar 2020 · 849
8 years
ari Mar 2020
from the ripe age
of 8 years young
i found myself with
too much access
to a dangerous place
where scary men lurk
to steal little girls like me
"you're beautiful," they'd say
"i love you"
"if you leave i will **** myself"
grooming me like a
villain's lapcat
luring me into a
fake love so that i may
be violated over and over again
conditioned to be a victim
of manipulative animals
who treat me, a child,
like a lover
"i've always liked younger girls,"
my brainwashed mind
blushing at the idea
that someone, somewhere
thought i was worthy of "love"
trigger warning for ******* mention
Mar 2020 · 1.3k
fetish for fear
ari Mar 2020
what he did
two or so years ago
it has messed me up
oh, yes it has
i see no worth in my body
i see an object
a doll

i've fetishized my own fear
oh, god i want to fear you
make me afraid, afraid, afraid
because that's how *** is supposed to be
right?
right?
right?
i'm not supposed to like it
i'm supposed to be in pain
right?

i've fetishized my own fear
that stockholm-syndrome feeling
it wraps its hands around my throat
take my breath
i want to black out
i want to black out

am i ok?
am i ok?
am i ok?
my brain has blended lust and fear
they are the same
i have fetishized my fear
i hate you i hate you i hate you
you RUINED ME
Mar 2020 · 484
hellbent
ari Mar 2020
hellbent on slaughtering
the devils at my door
held an exorcism
so they can't hurt me anymore
mouthful of sin
the father has me on my knees
because i won’t pray for him
i owe him no apologies
i’m not your disciple
i fear no god
i won’t follow blindly
the pious lies that i’ve been told
i will sin to spite you
Mar 2020 · 425
hell
ari Mar 2020
you pushed me into the pits of hell
and expected me
to be able to climb back out
alas, i had no ladder.
Mar 2020 · 1.2k
leave no trace
ari Mar 2020
you were so careful not to leave bruises              
you knew exactly what you were doing                            
so careful not to leave a mark but so insistent
on handling me roughly and reducing me to nothing          
you called me such horrible things that day            
“****,” you said                            
“*****,” you said          
despite the fact that you forced            
your grimy hands on me                                
you FORCED me to do EVERYTHING
*******                  
I HATE YOU
i hope you burn in hell. *******
Mar 2020 · 905
CoViD-19
ari Mar 2020
perhaps
this is mother earth
killing us off
before we **** her
think about it, won't you?
Mar 2020 · 385
don't go outside
ari Mar 2020
don't go outside
      dare you step outside of your dwelling
      you will fall victim to the pandemic
      it will take your freedom
stay inside, stay inside, stay inside
      foolish are you if you so choose to venture to the market
      everywhere you go feels abandoned
      all the shelves are emptied of things that were previously
      overstocked...
don't
    go
       outside
Mar 2020 · 1.1k
cemetery
ari Mar 2020
he ripped the words from my throat
he locked them away
in a box that he calls a 'coffin'
he dug a pit
and buried them six-feet-under
next to the
grave where my innocence lay
Mar 2020 · 1.1k
cutting board
ari Mar 2020
you are the reason
that i sliced into
the flesh of my legs
and left lines
like the ones on mama's cutting board
where she chopped up fruit
but my body isn't a cutting board
Mar 2020 · 1.1k
dog
ari Mar 2020
dog
your filthy hands
           gripped on my jaw,
your grimy fingers
                      forcing my mouth open
                            treated like a dog who won't let go of a shoe
                       defiled
                  ruined
dehumanized
Mar 2020 · 283
i am scared of the wind
ari Mar 2020
oh, the wind
           it knocks now on
         my sliding glass door
     the same door that causes me to lay awake at night
         the knocking, i don't like it
                                     no, not one bit

is it the wind?
           or is he back?                               has he found me?
                                          is he going to hurt me again?

          i                  the
                 fear        
                                        wind
please stop please stop please don't come in
don't hurt me again
Mar 2020 · 1.6k
okay.
ari Mar 2020
dearest reader,
it is okay
not to be okay
sometimes we need reminders, you are allowed to cry, and scream, and get angry. it is ok to not be ok.
Mar 2020 · 564
childhood
ari Mar 2020
it is ok
to long for the childhood
that you never got to have
i cannot replace
what was taken from me
Mar 2020 · 230
prosopagnosia
ari Mar 2020
bodies starting
            to lose shape
                      blurry smiles
                              without a name
                                      the person in mirror,
                                                they are looking strange
                                                        i'm sorry that i don’t remember

                                                            identities just
                                            seem to fade
everyone looks the same
Mar 2020 · 896
little lamb
ari Mar 2020
i was
    a little lamb
               and you were
                      a wolf in sheep's clothing
and when i trusted you
         you tore off your wool
                 and dug your claws
                                  into my flesh
be wary of the wolf
Mar 2020 · 1.2k
my fault
ari Mar 2020
my fault
“well, what were you wearing?”
my fault
“did you not fight back?”
my fault
“you should have screamed"
my fault
"why did you wait to tell anyone?"
my fault
"it just means he thought you were pretty"
my fault
     my fault
           my fault
                 my fault
                       my fault
                             YOUR FAULT.
*******, XXXXXX.

i want to burn you alive
Mar 2020 · 996
off-brand affection
ari Mar 2020
the love shown to me
by any other
is but a poor imitation
of the love
you gave to me
it has been 4 months and my bed still feels empty without your warmth beside me.
Mar 2020 · 603
the r word
ari Mar 2020
****.
are you uncomfortable?
                 tell me
                         do you feel sick?
****.
i will say it
        over and over again
                    each time louder
                                and more angry than the last
****.
repeating, repeating, repeating
                                 until you decide to
                                                    take action
                                                            and stop blaming the victim
****.
does it scare you?
            do something about it
                       scream about how enraged
                                          you are that this is even an issue
Mar 2020 · 322
watch yourself in a movie
ari Mar 2020
that feeling you get
              when you’re on the tube and you’ve got
that song blasting in your cheap earphones
            you stare out the window, not that there’s anything to look at
     just a blurry wall
                you think yourself to be some sort of
cinematic genius in these moments
              you watch yourself in something of a movie
                       where you’re the director, the star, and the writer
       it’s emotional and perfect
             like a stupid ******* indie music video
                  for the song you love that nobody knows
Mar 2020 · 671
swear words
ari Mar 2020
god, *******
           i ******* despise you
                          pure ****.
       **** of the ******* earth.
do you understand?
               will you ever
                       understand?
                             the longevity of the pain
            that you've inflicted on me?
when you put your
           filthy
               unwelcomed
                          hands on me
        i want to tear away
the flesh
       and skin
                 where you gripped me
                                    

                          *******.
un-*******-forgettable in the most disgusting way a human could possibly fathom
Mar 2020 · 333
eyes
ari Mar 2020
do you see them?
       do you see my words?
do you?
          can you see?
                       say something
                                     look at my words
s
    a
y
                     s
                  o
                       m
                            e
                                t
                           h
                      i
                   n
                        g
Mar 2020 · 409
feel, feel, feel
ari Mar 2020
i’d like to feel alive
     when was the last time
you really felt alive?
     the last time i felt pain was
this morning when i
    brushed my teeth until
my gums bled
   maybe i’ll stick needles in my skin
to feel something
      something
to imitate the addictingly horrible pain
             of a lover’s touch
Mar 2020 · 957
oh dear
ari Mar 2020
oh dear
    it seems that i've
lost track of time again
              the days are far and few between
    oh dear, oh dear
                       the minutes have melted together
          so have the hours
                                 i see no difference between
                    a week
                                     a month
                                                          or a year
it is all slow
                       i'm aging yet i feel
                                                       just like i did yesterday
           my watch must be broken
what is time? why are we stuck here? who are you? how did you get here? how did i get here?
Mar 2020 · 500
who i knew & who i know
ari Mar 2020
the putrid smell of cigarette smoke and cheap whiskey breath feels like home.
           His arms felt like home, too.
      I knew him as the boy who’d party all night and make plans with me the next day only to sleep the whole time.
              I knew him as ****** noses from ******* and the young emphysemic cough that would **** a small part of me every time I heard it.
     I knew him as that big, stupid ******* smile.
I knew him as the boy who’d ride his bike to my house but would always be too worn out to ride his bike with me.
          I knew him as far too charming for his own good.
I knew him as perfectly imperfect.
       I know him as cold and unempathetic.
I know him as the boy who refused to get on the phone with me for closure.
     I know him as unstable.
I know him as manipulative.
      I know myself as someone who will never be more important than *******.
I know myself as someone who will never be more important than cigarettes.
     I know myself as just another doll who was tossed to the side by a child who got bored.
     The fetor of a coffin nail and the acidic aroma of Highlands Red still reminds me of him—
                 but only the version of him that I knew.
my experience of falling in love with an addict
Mar 2020 · 1.1k
the thief
ari Mar 2020
something he stole
      was very important to me
                but it’s not the kind of thing
that could ever be returned
         this is no game of
   lost and found
       oh, but the thief
                        the thief―
they couldn’t catch him,
            he’s got
               sly talk and
i think he’s part snake
          they couldn’t catch him because
he left no fingerprints
he took everything from me.

— The End —