"Never go to sleep sad" he told me as  he left

From then on I couldn't even rest.

He broke my heart and all I could think about was "never go to sleep sad"

Lately it's all I've been doing. Those words were a faint reminder of you.

I couldn't get out of my head

Here's to, more laughs.
More stressing out.
More tears.
Less sleep.
More pieces of crumbled up paper of poems no one will ever see.
More confusion,
More things I will never see.

And....

Here's to, all the things I'm leaving back in 2016.
All the sleepless nights.
Tears.
Over reacting
All the happy times.

There are pieces of me I will leave.
But like a flower. I will grow. I will learn more.
Do things I never would have dreamed of.

Here's to, another chapter. Of a novel that will never be seen other than my eyes.

My mom always told me not to do drugs, "you'll get addicted"

She also told me not to drink Alcohol, "you will get addicted"

Then, she would say never smoke "you'll get addicted"

When you avoid the possible. You still  find something to get addicted to.

I was trying to find the void of all the bad things. Until, I learned the worst thing I got addicted to was you.

You became my muse.
I wrote about your eyes,
Sang about your words,
And
Saw you in my dream.

You told me I was the best thing that happened to you, but you don't understand you're my air.
With out you I'm lost.
I can't breath, or think straight.
I need you.
More
Then
You
Would
Ever
Dare
To
Know.

I looked in your eyes hoping I could see our past.
Hoping to feel love again, but our love was like a old book you never finished.
It sat in your book shelf slathered in dust.
I realized over the year I became your book, and our relationship was the dust......

I use to see lines in waves, but now, they are straight.

The sun effortlessly seeped through the tree as I read poetry.

I went to be alone. Also, the silence was nice. Then the twigs snapped and deer gathered around the woods.

A cooling feeling rushed throughout my body.
This, was normal for them.
The silence, the green. The peacefulness.

You see, my life was catastrophic.
The vocal waves were a constant thing in my life. Like sadness.

One day I would be dear. Happy, and calm.

The next, I would be Nemo finding my way back to where I belong.

bruised forearm, and broken heart. I was denial that this would start.

You smiled my way and fed me sweet lies. The second we were alone that's when I wanted to die.

The screeching was heard through the plexiglass but it never left these four walls. You kept me trapped.

SHAKING became the only h u m a n l y thing that I posses.

You kidnapped my heart I was t r a p p e d.
I should have listened to the signs. Like when you questioned me a hundred times about my guy friend.

Maybe, if I would have notice you were so belligerent. I would still be here.
But, I am gone.
And you feel like you have done nothing          w r o n g

Who knew, if she loved him out of pity, love, sadness, or even if it was simply that she wanted to dance with the devil? Maybe just for one night she wanted to feel alive, and not just sitting in her room reading a book.

Her books took her to many places: the forest, a mysterious mans condo, a laboratory, hiking, and even Paris. This time, she just wanted to feel it for her self. She wanted to go out and let out a deep breath. Even though her mind was telling her not to do it, she did it anyways. Just for the faint reason she knew she never would have done it for a million years.

Maybe that's what she loved about him. Knowing she could be anyone, and do anything. Even if it was for one night.

I wish I held your hand more and listened when you complained about the silliest things.

I wish I held on to your arm tighter and maybe you would have stayed, I look for you in the places you would never be. Maybe you believe that would be the last place I checked.

Your name in my journal has smeared from my tears. that sweater you gave me is always, always near. Our picture is always in my hand and our memories always in my mind. I swear I would pay my soul to have your heart here.. with me.. where it belongs...

The most important thing I've learned this summer is that it's okay if I am my own best friend.

I learned to love myself, and not to be sad when someone else treats me bad or if someone doesn't Treat me the way I treat them, cause the only person who will always be there for me at the end of the day, and every night is me.

I learned to give myself a break, sometimes Not everything is my fault. I'm not useless.

And most importantly, when no one else loves me, I know that I always will.

My great insanity speaking now , "are you still in love with me?" I weathered out. You looked into my eyes of pure intention,
But your lips went into a frown.
His shaky hands met my weak ones, as he told me he no longer cared.
I could no longer bare, he didn't love me anymore.......

You held me tightly I could barely breath, you examine me with hooded eyes. Oh, how I absolutely never want to leave.

But the sun came up and your mother called a thousand times. Your hand stayed clutched to mine. As I whined for you to stay.

Cause your arms are my home your chest is my bed and I never want to let you go.

I loved you with gentleness and you threw it all away.

You liked mysteries and sneaking out late.

You told me I was a distraction and she was a drug.

When you were sad my calmness was nice. But when she was around you didn't even remember my name.

I thought in my mind writing your name a hundred times in my journal would make you love me more.

But my eyes were brown, it reminded you of dirt.

Her eyes were blue and you realized you loved the sea more then you loved me cause I reminded you of the trees.

Silent days when you were reading in the woods, but you were on vacation when you realized the sea was your favorite place to be.

The pages in my journal scattered everywhere.

The sheets were messy. My hands were bare.

I passed back and forth watching you lay asleep.

I swear I didn't stare.

This place smelled with cheap perfume and cigarettes.

We said we stay forever but maybe a day or two if we last.

As he looked out of the moving train, he noticed how fast the trees disappear, how many houses live so close together. He noticed Every little thing about his surroundings, so he wouldn't remember, her.

And his mind quickly falls to their memories. Wondering what she is doing right now. Is she sobbing in her dark room while clutching their picture to her chest? Was she declining the dinner her mother laid upon the kitchen table, maybe she is even taking long walks just thinking about me.

Is she even thinking about me? Especially as frequently as I am thinking of her....

I knew what I was doing when my legs carried me to the train, as warm tears laid  upon my checks.
When it was my time to go, I believed you would never let go. If you didn't unclench your fist I never would have left.

right now coffee is my only salvation,
The black liquid grazing my throat,
Sends me into chaos,
Now that you're  gone,
The only time I feel alive
Is when it's 4.am,
and coffee is helping my insomnia

Why do I choose to write when I'm sad?
What about when I'm over the moon happy?
When I'm crying on the floor nothing but sobs reach my mouth.
I reach for a pen
But,
When I'm happy.
I inhale it.
Believing not another day will be this joyous

Here  I am again. Sorrow in my heart.
Nothing but sadness wiped on my courages face.
Every time I'm sad it's a different kind of pain.
But the pen in my hand always stays.

I wish you were there when I was crying on the floor. My knees ****** and my eyes sore.

I wish you could have seen the look on my face. Every time my brain whispered your name.

I wish you heard my shouting. Sentences I rehearsed for hours. Just to tell you I'm angry.
I'm angry.
I'm angry.
It never worked.

I wish you could have helped me when I drowned in my sorrows.

But you never was one for love and compassion. I should know.

I was waiting for your call stupidly, hopelessly. My friends told me to give up but my heart told me I was in love.

20 days have passed and I cluttered up your voice mail. Just wishing to hear your laugh.Like the first time I met you.

A couple weeks after I gave up. I got a call from your mom sobbing. " he didn't make it" she said. I didn't even know you were ill.

I wanted to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay, but the pain in my heart just wouldn't go away. I replayed all the times we spoke to the first and the last.

What they say is true. Your heart truly never molds back into the sunlight it use to be. Now it's the moon.

Every little film you use to love you can't watch anymore. He ruined it for you....

Or your favorite song. He loved it too. So you never torture your ears into listening to that tune.

You can't bring up his name with out a little trickle of pain.

But
Your
Okay
It
Was
Just
The
Name
Of
The
Game.

Only if they knew the real you.....

Not the YOU I write continuously about in my journal, but the real YOU.

I wonder if they would have guessed when I wrote that you  graze my skin it really justified that you gripped my throat harshly after I spilt your coffee on accident.

Or the tears streaming down my face, no, it wasn't tears of joy like I resemble but after your hand print engraved into my right cheek

If they would know, they would ask me why I stay with you...
The truth is... we can't give up, not yet.

Everyday I wake up and hope you are a little happier, I'm not your human punching bag, but even if everything was perfect for us and not this massive treacherous relationship we hide behind our **** drapes.

I know things will go back the way they use to and not how they are now, soon I will really feel your love for me again, it won't be my brain tricking me into what I really want, your love. It will be real. Like it use to be.

and maybe ill remember you at midnight,
when their is nothing,  but me and the silence of the walls.
trying to write down my feelings on a piece of paper.
with only the dim kitchen light on.
how do I write the words?
that are screaming in my mind,
but won't let me scribble them down on my note pad.

I had a nightmare you weren't with me anymore. I woke up in a panic, and you were at my door.
Told me that you loved me and you had to leave. My nightmare became reality in the seams.  


I cried for days when you were gone, my tears became a ocean of sadness. I tried and tried to forget your eyes, but all I remember were the sweet times.

I tried to forget and I tried to hide, the feelings I felt deep inside.

With one word, you can ruin someone's day.

Their dreams, hopes, and faith.

It's takes one person with an abundance of aspiration to light up a sea.

Also, one person to crash into the light house.

It's dark.      Cold even.

I wonder why we hurt the ones we love? We comprehend that they will always come back. They love us?

One word.
It could end a life.
Make someone cry until the ocean see's nothing more then dead fish flopping on the ground.
Tear someone's hurt with out even knowing.

But, we do it anyways.
We fight with our mouths as swords. The truth is. The win isn't gratitude enough of the pain you cause the person with the dagger in their heart.

Now that you're gone the only thing I have is that song we listened to at 3:00 am.

The lyrics show our love so perfectly it started out beautiful and ended in deep sadness.

Now that you're gone people have been asking how I've been I just think of you and lie and say I'm fine. Do you do the same with your new friends? Do you think of me on our anniversary and all of our plans..


Do you miss me just a little? Does your finger ever click on our song we sang when we were hopelessly in love. God, this pain just won't go away..

You know when you tell someone "I hope I die before you so I don't have to live a life with out you"? We all feel that way.. but truthfully everyone loses. If I were to die before you, you would be miserable and sad and lonely. You were to  long everything about me. The times I made you angry to our favorite times of all. When you die. I will cry for days. I won't be able to eat or even speak your name with out abruptly sobbing with tears. I would miss every thing about you. Your eyes, your finger tips, even the sent of your body. I will miss you so deeply, and you will miss me. Life is Such a tragedy. Neither of us win in this game of life.

I was in a nightmare trying to wake up.

I remember your smile and your warm hugs.

I couldn't take the misery of missing you so much

So I made my self wake at the quarter of dusk.......

My tears smeared the ink in my journal. All the poems I wrote for you all one ******* mess.....
I tried to make it better but all I did was make it worse.

Maybe that was a metaphor of our love.
I tried so badly to glue our broken pieces

As soon as you left I couldn't  write a thing. My pen ran out of ink and my hand froze with aspiration you would come back.
I have so many Ideas but it's to much to write down.
A part of me doesn't even want to write down your name because you don't deserve my thoughts.
You don't deserve me staying up till 3 am wondering what you're thinking of me.
Do you miss me?
Or was this your plan.

In spring we met, strangers at that. You looked at me and my heart stopped. I looked at you and your face became  flushed.

Summer, we talked for hours. We learned each other's deepest secrets, our favorite things, and our worst things.

Fall, I fell for your eyes. Not knowing they were lies. Not knowing you would hurt me and break my heart into peaces. Oh, how I wished you would have a warning sign on your back. "Warning, Run and never come back!"

In Winter, I cried for weeks. Replaying the texts you sent me. I went outside in the pouring snow with out a jacket, but how would you know? It was a metaphor of how you made me feel numb and cold. How would that make you feel?

I wanted you to hold my hand a little tighter this time. Like you would never come back. Hold me like this was our first hug,  and my warmth was foreign to you.

Tell me that you love me just a little more. So when I'm sad at midnight and you're  silently sleeping I can have a faint memory of when  you needed me.

Looking in the mirror the bones and flesh are not the ones I remember. These bones are not my own.

They are dressed in silk and Demise. While the ones I'm looking for are pretty and pink with flowers not too far away.  

What have I become? I don't even remember my name.

Every word I say is foreign to my mouth.
I pray  the real me comes out. Maybe she is hiding. In a place that is more beautiful then she has ever seen.
Or maybe she is trapped.
Or maybe she no longer exists.

People always tell you to "face your fears"

And everyday that our hands collide,
You hug me close to your chest so tight I can smell nothing but your expensive cologne I got you for Christmas,
Trusting you with my laughs,
My honesty,
My love.

It's the biggest thing I'm scared of because loving  you is my greatest fear. How do you know you are driving off the cliff on a foggy morning? You fall.

And now I feel like I'm falling so abruptly, and I won't be able to get up.

Cause when you finally break my heart I won't even have enough heart to tell myself " i   T  o  l d    Y  o   U  S   O "

When the sun touches my skin. You smile and play pretend. You laugh at my jokes and hug me tight it frightens me sometimes even I believe the lie.

When the moon is out and your at my house you scream at me for not being happy any more. My throat is sore from pleading with you. The tears never end. I wish you loved me at all times and not just the morning.

He always said I was a mystery. Like reading a murderous book.

Who is the killer?

Well, it was him. He tore my heart apart with out even knowing he held it in his hands.

I bet he didn't know he was my world. That when he laughed I laughed harder, when he was sad he was a tornado and I was the city.

I held onto his hand like it was hope. The tears in his eyes were just a facade. He was a comedian I was the joke.

But, I still wobble behind you. Hoping you look back.

But, you never did.

Something about you has changed. Maybe it's your hair. Or the way you say I love you. It's barely audible these days.
The touch I feel is scarcely known.

You say you care but you act like I'm a ghost. Laugh with your friends maybe it's about me.

I love you so much, I would be your punching back, you could practice on me.

Sometimes were good, then were great, but most of all, you barely know my name.

Drugs, alcohol, planes, car crashes, depression, and love......

All these things that can destroy you but you have hurt me the most......

How wonderful is it that our bodies love us so much to repair itself when we get a scrape, but we still smoke, eat bad foods, do drugs, and drink.
We do so many bad things to our bodies, but it still loves us and it's never gonna leave.
Just remember the next time someone tries to leave you,  the people who love you the best is the once who try to repair you and not leave.....

You told me... I was an angel, maybe that's why I was so persistent on holding Lucifers hand. You loved the way my eyes were soft, then, you were the reason they were always bloodshot.

All I wanted was a sunny day, but running into you was a hurricane. You felt like paradise that's why I was left coughing up the salty water that you blew my way.  

The sand was dark, but your soul was darker, you swore. I believe you were bluffing but as I was buried. I was a fool, no more. You tried to warn me with caution tapes and sirens, but I guess I was deaf and a little blind to your warning signs.

How many lines of poetry I've thrown away.

The amount of hearts broken from masquerades.

The tears I've cried over silly boys.

The days I spend being sad.

The I love you's

To the silent words I never say.

How many great in depth things I've let go to waste?

Just a thought in your head?
Oh You forgot? Let me try again.

The sand on the beach? The waves just ran over me.

But that plastic bag got stuck on your shoe. You threw it away. That's what your use to.

The shapes of the clouds that no one else see's. it's the birds they are fixated on.
You didn't mean anything to the ones beneath.

You thought if you cause havoc
They would see your light.

They were blind.

You still needed to fight.

The wind on the trees didn't faze you tonight.

You were the breeze, but no one seemed to notice you breathed.

Death, a word we throw around quite atrociously. One minute you're laughing with someone or maybe even yelling. You got upset over something so stupid and now your last words to them are " I hate you"

I just want you to know. I didn't hate you. I loved you a lot. With my whole heart I would have saved you. With every little being I would bring back your hugs. I miss them so much, but most of all I would bring back you.

I would bring back your jokes, all the times you aggravated me and I wanted nothing more than to be away from you.

Now I'm holding on to the moment where I took you for granted. I'm human and we do and think stupid things.

Mine was not loving you the way I should, the way I knew I could. My perception  of your character was a maze for my brain and I blocked you out completely.

Until, your hand went limp and you were colder than the water in Titanic. Not even a second went by before I knew I missed you. I missed you so much. I hope you know I loved you..

Why did you leave?
Was is it you,
Or was it me?

Was it these people,
The place you have been deceived?
The lies in the walls.
The spurious entity all around.

I tried to hold on to you when I discovered your extent. So I moved a little close but you coward away. Maybe, just maybe it was me. The reason you were so persistent not to s  t  a y.

Hopeless nights of our lungs giving out. Last July, you promised this would all stop.

But here I am. Grasping the bed sheets wondering where you are? Do you want to be with me?

When you're alone you call me and kiss my face. I give in again.

But tonight is different the despair had won this race of lies. I'm tired of competing when I'm never gonna qualify.

I fell in love with the words you spoke. Delicately lying to me. You probably believed it for a little bit too.

The first couple months were great,
The last couple  were good.

Your feelings kept on getting weaker while mine were stronger. But you never would have noticed. Cause your blind of devotion.

I still think about you everyday. You aren't the same. You don't even remember my name.