i always have
the urge to run.

but what is it like
to be a tree?

to be confident enough
to root yourself
and grow with
wild abandonment,
being unapologetically
you?

i'm still running,
but i wish i knew.

Find humor
when told of the tumor

Smile
when the answer is cancer

Laugh
at the heart attack

Kick back
in the face of death

Yawn
when you're not given that long

Whistle a tune
when they tell you it's June

Have no remorse
as the disease runs its course

Bow your head
when there's nothing left

Could you?

I think I'm finally starting to love the person I am.
Not the person I want to be.

We don’t put a label on it
Because we don’t want to fit
And commit.

We keep it fun and chill;
Nothing serious
No consequences
No future
Nothing romantic
Trying to keep it platonic.

Doesn’t it sound ironic?
Because I am frantic
About you, boy.

Trying to be ice cold
Pretending we are something,
when we’re nothing.
I am losing my mind.

You play these games
Trying to make me insecure
About all these other girls.

So I play along
Because it’s love,
Maybe not long lasting
But real.

But we’re just spiraling
No end; not infinite
I guess I can not pretend
For I don’t want to be this type of girl.

I want to us to burn;
Our hearts to yearn
Our souls to learn.

I want attachment,
Security and stability.
I want it to be long lasting
And not a temporary fling

‪I’m no good, ‬
‪too far from being a saint‬
‪but,‬

‪atleast I’m trying,‬
‪to be there for everyone else‬
‪atleast I’m trying,‬
‪to not find faults from others‬
‪atleast I’m trying,‬
‪hard to control my triggers‬
‪atleast Im trying,‬
‪to make some little things right.‬

I’m no good,
but I’m here trying
to make a point in this life.

In this garden
the roses have all withered
the sparrows no longer twitter
the day is dark and bitter

In this garden
a rusty gate swings in the wind
a faded pinwheel gently spins
a sad little girl swings within

In this garden
the trees are brown and rotten
the youthful dreams are forgotten
the little tears fall often

In this garden
the land lays in dark repose
the stream no longer flows
the little eyes bare pain untold

In this garden
once there was beauty here
once laughter flowed sweet and clear
once there was vigilance near

ALesiach © 05/22/2015

On a cliff
One of us wishes to fall
To quiet down
These grieving bones
These restless hearts

Oh the heaviness
Of being a stone
In a sea of pulsating flesh

“If there is no enemy within,
the enemy outside can do us no harm”

I wonder
Will we become what we
Have always dreamed
of being:
At peace
With ourselves

Mommy, Mommy
please don't cry.
Here I am
by your side.
You can't feel me,
you can't see,
but in your heart
I will always be.
Now dry your eyes
and rest awhile,
holding me
in your mind,
remembering me
with a smile.

ALesiach © 02/17/2015

Sit with me awhile
Speak of happy things
Smile away the darkness
Soften my sadness with the
Sheer delight of your presence.

Let us dine on the sweet bread of life
I will toast the days gone by, moments of
mystery and majesty.  You, the hope that
tomorrow will be gentle, each day the revealing
of a new dimension of the pilgrim self.

Tell me stories of your journeys,
the streets you walked, mountains
conquered, tell me of love that filled
your world with lilac and rose, of dreams
that never came true.  I will listen with my
heart and find blessing in the feast of conversation.

Then, when the candle burns low,
I will close my eyes in the final sleep
and set my course for a distant star.

Sit with me awhile
Speak of happy things
Smile away my darkness
Send me on my way with a
quiet gesture of peace.

Not that I haven't said this before
But recently, I've felt the need to say it more
My emotions are running deep, like a river
That treads off course, and images are cutting me
Like paper cuts that make the insides of my skin
Sting of soreness

A fortress of imagination
Broken down in a moment's instant
I feel almighty, on top of a mountain's point
But like a pencil sharpened too loose
I break, falling off this high-rise
And feeling my moment lose its momentum
A totem that has stopped spinning
As I lose control into the waves
Of another current, down below

Its purpose?

To slow me down
But how would I know...?
I'm just another moment
That has turned upside down
With only places left to fall
And nowhere left to go.

You were so broken
that I destroyed myself
trying to fix you.

Now I'm the one falling apart
while you found someone else to hold you.

On this day, I was broken
On this day, my world stopped 
On this day, my life was reduced
On this day, pain consumed me 
and this consumption never left 

I went to bed broken-hearted 
I woke up broken-hearted 
My life was pain 
Pain was all I knew 
I wept until I could weep no more 

My spirit was locked in a dark room 
It was empty 
reason departed me 
there was nothing 
I had nothing 

My joy was stolen 
My labour unfavoured
I screamed
Yelled 

Suicide was a friend 
Depression my lover
Bitterness my worship 

I tried to pray
I tried to believe, 
but my mind could not. 

My spirit and flesh
withered,
but still my soul thirsted. 

It searched;
Hoped 
Prayed 
Believed 
Submitted 
Fought 
To find God. 

It knew
He is my answer 
The truth and the way 
The truth is God 
and in Him 
I rested.