2018 - Hello Poetry

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Eulogy

Hi Everyone, I'm dead
Don't cry now
Where were you
When I lived in bed
No visits, texts, or calls
You were too busy
While I was alone in my room
Trying to remember to breathe while I bawl
Don't worry I'm not blaming you
Depression hit hard
I'm a coward
It was my fault too
I should have done what was best
Stop pushing people away
Stop conforming to others wishes
Told my maybe boyfriend... yes
But its not about why or how
Stop crying,we had our chance
we blew it
I'm dead now

#help #alone #eulogy #heartache #lost #cry #dead

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Breathing Corpse

"Do what I say no matter the cost"
I am what they want me to be
My feelings are numb
My soul is lost
It's fine if I'm not whole
All they need is my body
My bones cry out
My skins is a sheet covering the holes
I have little energy to even breathe
I cry till my lungs have no air
I stuff my face in a pillow
My jaw aches while I clench my teeth
All the oxygen in the room leaves
Dark thoughts swarm my head
Depression holds me while I heave
I could just die
I feel worthless, I am nothing
I watch as everyone leaves
I don't know how long I can do this
Got to get away
Its not like I'll be missed
No one around me cares
I'm a breathing corpse
I guess its true
Life's not fair

Billie Eilish

#depression #suicide #lonely #abandon #corpse #deadinside

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Eat

sometimes i dont eat
the longest i've gone
is three weeks
i lay in bed ,my stomach in knots
cant stand up too quickly
dont wanna see spots
my body failed me again
bile came, hunger left
i cant quite remember when
water is my only friend
it soothes the hurt
acid reflux temporarily ends
water runs down my throat
when i move, it sloshes in my belly
sound like waves against a boat
heartburn comes at night
my body and brain are at war
im kept awake while they fight
headaches come back
it hurts to open my eyes
i know its from the calories i lack
when i can handle a taste other then bile
i eat and eat , i'm called a pork chop
i know its a joke so i hide the pain with a smile
if only they knew
how i hate my body
and the pants sizes i blew
but its something i keep to myself
no need to bother someone else
its not like am a fragile doll on a shelf
....or am I ?

#eatingdisorder #triggered #sad #lonlely #depression #nooneknows #bodyshaming #fatshame

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Dear Depression

Just when I'm about to have hope
My breakdown are less
I finally learning how to cope
You start to make your way in again
I try hard to pray you away
But you're here before amen
Welcome back old friend
I'm a fool to think the last time
that I saw you was the end
You brought gifts with you
I wanna ask which ones
cause the demons brought some too

Did you send the voices in my head?
I don't like them
They say I'd be better off dead
You didn't sent them right?
You would miss me
Who would you hold at night?
Did you send the bile?
It burns, I start to skip meals
I hide my pain with a smile
Did you cause the sleepless nights ?
Where you mad you weren't there
to hold me from the light?
Did you send the dreams?
That either crunch my soul
or make me scream ?
When I wake up my heart hurts
I hold in my tears
Until they threaten to burst

I shouldn't have left you
I wanted to be happy
I thought it was the right thing to do
I've learn my lesson
I need to stay with you
Let go of my aggression
Don't worry its not too late
Everything can go back to when
You were my soulmate

Depression is my soulmate pt. 2

#depression #sad #abuse #abusiverelationship #anxiety #eatingdisorder #help #soulmate

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Moving on

I want to move on , but you
Always text something sweet
Just when I'm about to
Remember, you became distant
You made me feel
Like you didn't even care about my existence
I get it, I hurt you
But don't you see?
I was hurt too
Your ghost still haunts me
It follows me in my dreams
Why cant you let me be
I wake up thinking things changed
Then everything hits hard
Like I'm a target in a gun range
I'm bleeding , but no one can see
I'm crying , but no one is there
I'm screaming, but no one hears me

Cant you see I need to move on ?
No more mixed messages or imaginary future
I can look upon
Stop following me in my dreams
Giving me false hope
Leave me alone, let me be
I have to keep you on red
Because if I don't
I wont be able to get out of bed
I needed you , but you weren't there
Now I'm just skin and bones
Gutted , left bare
One day when I'll look back
I'll just see when I gained
Not what I lacked
But for now I need to move on
I changed your name
My midnight snacc is gone

#love #heartbreak #dream #midnightsnacc #romance #sad #lonely #crying

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Illusion

My happiness is an illusion
Even if I stand in a crowd
I feel like I'm alone... in seclusion
The demons in my head
keep yelling and chanting
I want to crawl into bed
My life is an illusion
I am what everyone want me to be
I live in their delusion
I learned not to fight it
I put on my happy mask
Remind myself its just for a little bit
I have reached a conclusion
I am not the author of my story
I am just the main character
Having control is an illusion

#illusion #depression #mask #sad #lonely #fakeface #demons

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

How are you

We ask people that everyday
How have you been ?
I never know what to say
Should I say how I'm actually feeling
I don't think you're prepared
For what I'm concealing
When I say I'm fine I'm not
When I say I had a good week
I'm not mentioning all the demons I fought
Sometimes I admit I'm struggling
People tell me choose joy! Live with less stress
You have to much your juggling
I almost start to cry
They don't get it
Its not that easy, I try
But its as if my joy is on the other side
of the window i can't quite open
I scratch, hit, and pull but it wont slide
All I feel is the ice cold from the glass
I just needed you to listen
Don't try to blow smoke up my ***
If I'm less busy i have more time
For my mind to wonder
For me to fall in a dark hole, I cant climb
I guess the only way for this to be fixed
Is to say I'm good
and lie through my lips
How are you?
I'm fine.

#hurt #introvert #lonely #sad #anxiety #depression #struggling

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

A Day

Will there be a day
I don't let you down
Will there be a day
I'll want to be just friends
Will there be a day
I wont cry when I think of you
Will there be a day
I feel wanted when I'm with you
Will there be a day
I can look at you and not want to kiss you
Will there be a day
You love me as much as I love you

#love #heartbreak #sad #lonely #kiss #cry

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

I give up

I give up
Your not even trying
My heart can't take it anymore
I cant keep this up
I have had enough
I can only be your friend
Nothing more
That will have to be enough
It'll be hard to let you go
But I need to stop crying
I have to restore my heart
My feelings for you have to go
I'm sorry we did this
It was good while it lasted
Our summer fling
I never wanted it to end like this
But that's what happened
I cant change that
You cant either
Maybe this had to happen
For us to get out of our daze
Find something else to talk about
Not just flirting and dreaming of our future, be realistic
We were just imagining " better days"
I'm waving a white flag in the air
I need to recover, find myself
I need to love myself
But to do that I need some air
I don't want this to be goodbye
We are still friends
I'll miss my midnight snacc
The one who wont have said goodbye

#heartbreak #sad #goodbye #love #midnightsnacc

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Confused

Who am I? I'm confused
I feel like a tool
They use and abuse
I never do anything good enough
I'm a disappointment
I didn't know living with me is so rough
Maybe I should leave
Be a burden to someone else
While you pretend to grieve
It looks good...right?
Make you look holy
Like you never started a fight
You were my best and worst friend
I'm done with you and ranting
This is the end

#rant #slampoetry #confused #parents #friends

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Feel

I feel empty
I feel numb
I feel cold
I feel empty, numb ,and cold
I feel like my soul was sold
I feel sad
I feel unloved
I feel lonely
I feel sad ,unloved , and lonely
I feel like I'm a burden only
I feel scared
I feel hopeful
I feel optimistic
I feel scared, hopeful, and optimistic
I feel like I'm on the wrong side of a statistic
I feel angry
I feel bitter
I feel used
I feel angry,bitter, and used
I feel like my love is mistreated and abused
I feel tired
I feel scarred
I feel hurt
I feel tired, scarred, and hurt
I feel my body is broken, held together by my shirt
I feel worthless
I feel hollow
I feel nothing
I feel worthless, hollow, and nothing
I feel like the weight of these feelings are crunching

#lonely #feeling #hurt #sad #numb #empty

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Kiss

I wanna kiss you
but when I do this time I wanna kiss you deep
I wanna kiss you till we are lost in each other
I wanna kiss you
so I can taste your lips again
I wanna kiss you till we forget our demons
I wanna kiss you
while I run my finger through your hair
I wanna kiss till the hurt is gone
I wanna kiss you
and feel the warmth of your skin
I wanna kiss you till we believe its just us in this ****** up world
I wanna kiss you
all over your body
I wanna kiss you till you forgive me
I wanna kiss you
while we bare our stretch marks and battle scars
I wanna kiss you till you feel valued
I wanna kiss you
So you know your worth it
I wanna kiss you till you feel loved
because everyone deserves love

But if I cant have any of these things
I just wanna kiss you one last time
I wanna kiss you till I can stop crying
I wanna kiss you
so u know my love was true
I wanna kiss you till there are no grudges left behind
I wanna kiss you
until our tears dry
I wanna kiss you goodbye

#love #lonely #heartache #kiss #goodbye

Apr 2019

Lost Soul

Disclaimer

If you came here for happy poems
Then u came to the wrong place
I cant pretend I'm happy
Smile and lie to your face
If you wanted to be lifted up
Move along i cant help you
I'm corrupted
If you came here for some self help
I don't have enough help to even help myself
If you came for a love story
You missed the mark
I cant find love
I guess I'm too dark
If you were seeking hope
That word is a unwelcome as a cuss word
I have to wash my mouth with soap
If you come with loneliness or pain in your heart
Dear friend read my poems and I'll read yours ,thats a start
If you come broken and bruised
Message me so i can share the burden
We can swap stories, feel less abused
If you message me
I'll cry with you , I'll comfort you
But don't think I will be inspirational or filled with hope
I will bring my true self
Together we will figure out how to cope