I'm wasting my money away,
Like its alive and running astray.
My first pay check disappeared,
Before they knew what they feared.
When I'm down and oppressed,
The one way I can still express,
That I'm myself, not any less,
Is to spoil myself with things in excess.
My mother clearly thinks I'm stupid,
That I'm only young and deluded.
And my father, with his selfish sneers,
Expects monetary repayment for a debt of 18 years.
So with their own uneducated impressions,
And their age-induced mindset regressions,
They give in to their control obsessions,
And provoke all my hidden depressions.
And when I can't make use of drugs,
Or feel the pleasure of lustful hugs,
The only thing I've left to do,
The only way to make it through,
Is spend and spend all that I can,
Use all what's left inside my hand,
Prove that all their reprimand,
Has no authority, gives no command.

Yet the only purpose for all this ridiculous strife,
Is to demonstrate that I'm the one who controls my life.

Its been a while since you left,
But I never accepted you were gone.

I just pushed away the thought you,
And tried to forget those 9 months existed.

For all I remembered, the Creator made a mistake,
And time skipped right over three seasons.

But looking at our words,
I can't deny what is true.

What we left behind had more power than us both,
And so neither of us could destroy it.

And as everything is rushing back,
I don't know what to do,
Because one thing is still missing,
And that one thing is you.

It's been 6 months since it ended,
Yet it feels like 6 years.

I forced tears from my eyes,
Thinking you might return to dry them.

I forced blood from my eyes,
To make space for you in my veins.

But you didn't.
You couldn't.
You can't.
And you won't.

It was a nightmarish hope,
That a mortal soul could **** Death.

And still I'm clinging to you,
Like the ink on a note.

You're my blood that flows,
Through the artery in my throat.

How I'd love to cut you away,
Just to cease shedding tears.

But Death won't yet take me,
Death feeds off my fears.

I expected your return,
But the thought was outrageous,
'Cause the insane part of my mind,
It's proving to be ageless.

I'd beg you to return and receive no answer,
Surrounded by the air that contains a rejected request.
For some reason, the desire of temptresses,
And THC smoke are all that fills my chest.

There's a ringing, ringing in my ears,
You can't hear it, the people don't hear it.
I draw rings, the ringing in my ears.
Dark circles appear under my eyes;
I am so tired from doing nothing.
The lights flash and we don't blink,
Forces clash and we don't blink.
I can't hear what you're not saying,
What you're not praying, proclaiming,
For there's a ringing within my ears.
It drowns out the stars,
It drowns out all fright for
I am so tired from doing nothing.
Peace and retreat drive me mad;
Retreat is not peace, it is pieces.
There's a ringing, ringing in my ears,
You can't hear it, the people don't hear it...

We live under the sun,
Its brightness warming us,
Leading us to every other minute,
One moment at a time;
It casts our shadow on the wall.
But in every moment we live,
We forget.
The shadows, they lengthen till dusk,
And vanish in the dark.
And we don't miss our shadow,
We don't remember.
That gentle touch that didn't leave a mark,
But marks our existence in the light...

Just as we don't always remember,
The gentle love shared with us
In a stranger's smile.
A smile, which with a helpful hand,
Lifts us up and tells us we were seen.
*A gentle touch that doesn't leave a mark,
But acknowledges our existence in this busy, busy world...

Sometimes when people say things to me or text me I'll write down what I really want to say and then crumble it up and say something completely different because I know explaining how I truly feel opens a door of issues and that I no longer have the energy to deal with.

the shoes are imprinted with the paved streets
there is never enough time


our eyes sparkle
but the eyebags belied the many nights
whiled away

smiling at the stars
new maps every night

gazes change as the skies change
we traverse different longitudes

trees spill into trees
there never was a need to distinguish

our passports fading crumbling
paths always leading to each other

will we still be left with an identity?

Damp eyes never meant us well
They're such an inconvenience
And passersby
won't fall in line
Step aside nor
slow their stride
But we'll ignore their careless eyes
Don't want to inconvenience

Cross streets, mean streets, it's
the blind leading the blind
And maybe we're wasting our time
'Cause the map in our hands
spells out misprinted boundaries and
Who can read smeared ink
Run off the page into unknown
territories dripping purple as the bruises
beneath our fingertips

If we hold on any tighter
Our travels will be
Etched into the other's skin
A directory of streets wandered by
the two of us just
a walk down route mother, please and
Round to relapse avenue
To sip champagne
in the light of
dreams forgotten

*but darling the lines in my palms
have always led back to you

Sober thoughts crowd my mind
Happiness I cannot find
Gloomy weather, gloomy mind

Black bile, one of the archaic humours
Rhyming aptly with tumours
Cancerous thoughts within my mind

Pensively I look for salvation
Maybe a cheery salutation
But my melancholic mind keeps me as a brooder

I vent my spleen, searching for the vaccine
Annoyance acting as a screen for the truth
That all I want to do is scream and scream and scream.

This year will be bigger and better and involve less time in bed or possibly much more and this year will be loud and there will be bright lights and high heels and there will be hand holding and so many ******* hugs and I will eat pasta because I love pasta and I will not feel bad about that and I will make plans and then not cancel them and I will show up despite the knot in my stomach and I will laugh way too loud because I can and that is a beautiful thing and I will treat new acquaintances like old friends because people like it when you do that because it makes them feel good about themselves and I will make people feel good about themselves because that is a beautiful thing and I will feel good about myself because I deserve that and I will eat three meals a day and exercise and sleep eight hours a night because I deserve that and I will buy an unnecessary but adorable sweater every now and then because I have earned that and I will tell people I love them because they have earned that and they deserve to hear that and I will mean it when I tell people that life is great because I deserve that.