Tell me why I have to stare at every driver
In every white SUV to see if it’s you
I used to keep count of how many there were
But I stopped at 152
It’s been 152 days since the first time I laid eyes on you
WOW, jaw drops, time stops, did he say his name was Corey?
Argyle socks, blue jacket, oh **** we made eye contact
Butterflies. You gave me butterflies.
And I knew from the second you muttered, “Ms. Yates” under your breath
That I needed to know what it felt like under my skin.
That’s where it all began.

I’ve heard that ‘feeling is healing’
But I’m wondering when the pain is going to cease
And leave something hopeful in its place
I’m not sure how much more I can take
I’m tired
I got tired of running stop lights chasing you
To only be re-routed
I doubted that you even knew I was behind you
Apologies have to be a two-way street

It’s always my fault
You are incapable of taking responsibility
Letting jealousy take reign
Of what little remains between us
I used to count the hours until I got to see you
Down a few beers to ease my nerves
Change my shirt half a dozen times
Thinking you were too good for me
But you see, I was wrong
I wish it wouldn’t have taken me so long
To figure out that I’m not the bad guy
I wish it wouldn’t have taken me so long
To understand that selfishness and flattery
Often look the same
Too distracted by the butterflies to see
That you ripped them from their cocoon too soon

I won’t miss wishing I was something that I’m not
Making myself believe that I could be who you need
I won’t miss you making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin
As though my stretch marks and soft curves were not deserving of your affection
I won’t miss the way you never answered my calls
Leaving me guessing if you’re going to show
Like some sort of twisted game that you always win

I stopped getting butterflies
I stopped looking at the clock when we made plans
I stopped checking my reflection for perfection in the mirror
I stopped enjoying the tequila that you kept pouring when I told you I had enough
I stopped enjoying you when you were no longer a safe place
When I could no longer trust you
When I could no longer believe the words coming out of your mouth

You do not deserve my sympathy
You do not deserve my apologies
You do not deserve the tears that I have cried because of you
The sleepless nights wondering if you love me too
The forgiveness that I have given so freely
You do not deserve me

What doesn’t **** you only makes you stronger so
Thank you for making me a stronger person
For showing your true colors
For proving to me that I deserve so much better
For walking away when I was too selfish to do the right thing
It began with butterflies and it ends with goodbye.

Its was all a lie
The way I smile
The things I try
The words I say, lie

It was all a lie
The way you looked at me with love
The things you are trying to prove
You, telling me you love me, lie

It was all a lie
The people around me
The expressions I see
The forever you promised me , lie

It was all a lie
My parents
My family
The way they treated me, lie

fall in love with me.
settle down with me.
explore with me.
love with me.
cry with me.
hurt with me.
grieve with me.
heal with me.
be with me.
hold me.
kiss me.
discover me.
sing with me.
read with me.
learn me.
understand me.
accept me.

and if you do, i will

fall in love with you.
settle down with you.
explore with you.
love with you.
cry with you.
hurt with you.
grieve with you.
heal with you.
be with you.
hold you.
kiss you.
discover you.
sing with you.
read with you.
learn you.
understand you.
accept you.

and we can fall in love with us.

i waste my words on you
and this has to stop.
i am done thinking about
what could have been.
if you wanted me,
you would talk to me.
if you cared about me,
you’d check on me.
did you even want anything with me?
whatever it was,
it’s done.

I lay here, alone
Listening to the deadly shadows call
To the demons cry for me to come home
To the darkness telling me to embrace it all

I lay here, awake
Seeing the face of death at the corner
Showing me the terrifying touch of its embrace
Yet, it's starting to get warmer

I lay here, deep in thought
Seeing the light of my very soul
It darkening and fading, cause it can no longer be fought
Lucy seems to be taking over after all

I lay here, frightened
As I hear my own ****** cries
The drip of the dark ink flowing down my body
The written records of every one of my hidden crimes
The sight of myself dragging me down the haunted lobey

I sit here, and smile
For that was the plan he came up with
For me to give in, to give up and die
But once again Lucy, you failed you little *****