it was strange, sitting there realizing we fought a running clock for almost two years. seeing what had once looked like forever become more like seconds, and knowing we lost, because we never could have won.

Have you ever wanted a break from love.
A break from falling that little bit too far.
Have you ever wanted to break other hearts.
Mending your own shattered thoughts.
Or maybe I just want revenge.
Maybe I want to know what kind of monster you really are.
Maybe I want to know exactly how it feels to have somebody break right in front of you.
Or maybe I just want to feel something.

First poem to Tina as my lover no more.

I.

Three years and eight months.
My closest. My one.
She'd stayed through madness
Enough.
I am a man of demons.
As I slayed the last one
I turned to see her having fallen
For the blow
As well.
Women and children
Die first.

II.

We cry. We kiss and cry.
Make love crying.
Laugh crying.
Leaving streaks on her back
Of salty regret
As I kiss her every single
Detail farewell.
How can gratitude for love
Hurt like being hated
By a loved
One?

III.

I take full responsibility.
Never raised a hand, but spoke
Hard and disgusting
Bottled anger.
Her leaving makes it
Poetry; lends meaning.
I'll drink again, but the drunk
Demon
Is dead.

IVa.

Today I'll come home
And forget to cook
For just one.
That Volvo will never
Come speeding down the
Gravel road again containing
Other than an ex
Coming to collect
More things that are no
Longer
Ours.

IVb.

No longer mine. I say like all
Others in grief: *This pain
Is new to me.
I embrace it on the floor
Holding her sweater
That I burned a little
Warming it on the stove for
Her in winter.
Then it's into the box
With it.
I'll leave a tear on her every
Garment, thanking for
The love and passion
They held within.

V.

I look up at skies as blue
As they come.
I will live here alone.
Thanking for all the beauty,
And all we learned from
What wasn't.
All is how it should be.
This was our road to
Travel together.

Be well. Be loved. Be safe.
You owe me nothing.
Be happy for this;
There's growth in it.
You are no longer my
Girlfriend, but you'll
Always be my
Girl.

"Together" was our word.
To Get Her was
My most gracious gift
Since Life.
Now let me cry
Like a child lost.
Then I'll move on,
Being neither.

After years of living...
                                 of loving...

The truth
              
                                      becomes  *lies

he searches though i am not lost
he worries when i am not close
he fears what keeps me away

though i am with him always
though he is my calm sea
though my heart lays within him

You’re not going to be a girl who’s in the same situation I am. You’re not going to be a girl who’s been single her whole life. You’re not going to be a girl who’s continually falling in love with someone who’s already taken. You’re not going to be a girl losing hope.

You’re going to be a girl who’s been in multiple relationships. A girl who may even be in a current relationship. You’re going to be a girl who’s grown from your past relationships. You’re going to be a girl who’s not looking for me.

m
When we do meet, I’ll be the boy who’s always dreamed about having a relationship. I’ll be the boy who’s only experienced relationships through watching movies. I’ll be the boy wanting to hold you in my arms every chance that I get. I’ll be the boy who’s patiently waited for the opportunity to say the words “I love you.” I’ll be the boy who ends up being your last boyfriend.

Love,

Me

i keep crying
my eyes sting
from the salt
no i don't cut
anymore
but i cry
i cry
bitter tears
all of them
i cried for you

Personal space bled
Alone in a crowded room
You are everything

Please.......
Stop talking
For I cannot be who you need me to be
I cannot be who you love
For I am neither wind, nor rain, nor summer sun
I cannot light your nights like a full moon and it's glittering counterparts

Please.......
Stop talking
For I cannot be what you see in me
I cannot be who you love
For I am neither Princess, nor Queen, nor damsel  in distress
I cannot save you and I do not want to be saved

Please.......
Stop talking
For I cannot be the she in your dreams
I cannot be who you love
I encompass no fancy tales of enchantment
I cannot promise an ending full of happiness; I can only promise an ending

Please.......
Stop talking
For I cannot be your fantasy
I cannot be who you love
For I am just a girl inside a woman, I am less a lady than you deserve
And despite my honest words, my heart pleads

Please.......
Don't ever cease

I hurt a man
Out of insensitivity
I hurt a man
Through thoughtless pride
I hurt a man
With my inner truths
I hurt a man
With insecurities
I hurt a man
Thinking he didn't care
I hurt a man
Who is my friend
I hurt a man
Who thought he loved me
I hurt a man

There is a pink furry one
For snuggling,
Under the coffee table,

A silver chiming one
Hanging from the door.

Upstairs two tiny ones
Beat in harmony,
Sleeping and at peace.

And you are playing with mine,
Holding it inside you,
Making me wonder if you plan to be gentle
When you hide it away, with your own.

You don't know that I have yours, already
I stole it away, as you slept.
It beat faster and harder, trying to warn you,
But I calmed it with a kiss...

And now it's mine, and I will not give it up.
Keep squeezing what you have,
But I need you to be careful,
And I will be, too,
I'll take my cue from you.