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my therapist committed suicide thursday.

it was our thursday, but it was before our 3 o’clock.

she kept yellow carnations in her office and it always smelled like lavender.

she wore red rimmed glasses and an easy warm grin, that made you feel okay.

her voice sounded melodic and helped you find lyrics that you lost inside yourself.

my therapist committed suicide thursday.

her secretary started calling when she missed her 7 o’clock. she’s never late.

there’s a photograph on her desk from her wedding day, and she’s been with her wife for 15 years.

she lost her mother to ‘side effects of too deep empathy’ (feeling the world too deeply), she didn’t call it depression.

my therapist committed suicide thursday.

her wife answered at 9 o’clock to say “i’m terribly sorry, but she blew out her pain.”

she wrote a letter that simply said “i’m sorry, i lost my sunshine, and you know i can’t stand the gray.”

she told me to live vividly, wildly, unapologetically, so i will never be subjected to plain.
Staring into the flames
I see twenty-one candles
I never thought I’d see.
and when the song is over
I seem to have disregarded my only wish

There’s chaos inside of me
My heart is dancing
My lungs are singing
Every nerve is so electric
Because my broken brain has been defeated

We never thought we would make it this long.
driving alone at 2 a.m. again
   there’s no more you in the passenger seat

the rain and i are alone at 2 a.m. again
    there’s no more you to dance to thunder with

i’m staring at the ocean at 2 a.m. again
    there’s no more you to tell me about the moon

i’m terrified of being alone at 2 a.m. again
      there’s no more you to save me from myself
Karyna Holleman Dec 2018
to save my life tonight
i think of a book or two or three that go unpublished, words never written that could’ve saved someone else, if i could save myself

to save my life tonight
i think of a best friend forced into finding me when i dont show up, when i dont answer my phone, when i promised not to leave her here, alone

to save my life tonight
i think of friends who know i walk a tightrope with life and how they’ll blame themselves for not doing more, when they gave me their everything

to save my life tonight
i think of the people who need me to stay. who need me to save their life, another night
Karyna Holleman Oct 2018
Tying cherry stems into knots

We wrestle unforgiving, sinful thoughts

The taste of you burns on my tongue

Midnight mistakes from when we were young

We keep telling ourselves we’ll be just fine

I can’t help but remind myself, you were never truly mine
Karyna Holleman Sep 2018
you only loved me, if you were ******* me

which goes to say

you only loved me at midnight,
but sometimes gave me all of you in the daylight.

maybe you loved me because loving her hurt.

now i wonder if you missed her body when i was underneath yours.

or if you needed something else from me...something more.

but instead you decided that i was no longer something you wanted to ****

and i realized i could no longer find your love
Karyna Holleman Sep 2018
Boarding a plane to nowhere for my problems.

I bring nothing with me, nothing of my past, nothing of what I am leaving behind.

I will leave you with the memories of us, I will not want to use them again.

A trace of my perfume and a piece of your heart you cannot seem to find will be the only things that tell you I was not a dream.

I did not give you a chance to ask me to stay, after all, this flight I’m catching isn’t one I have ever missed.

I have done this enough times now that I almost don’t feel a thing. Almost.

I know you will wonder if I will come back, because I will wonder too.

But running is all I know, all I am. I have not yet loved me enough to let myself love you too.
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