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Jul 2015 · 406
Detatched and detonated
Circa 1994 Jul 2015
I want to blow myself to smithereens.*
There's a tightening in my chest that accompanies the shame I feel.
I can be a good girl
I can fake a nice girl
I can detach from my own skin.
Smile. Nod your head. Agree with everything being said.
And when it hurts to be a shell of a person
Remind yourself that you've hurt him worse.
Jul 2015 · 420
Re: relationships
Circa 1994 Jul 2015
Sometimes being in a relationship means
Being called a ***** at 1am becasue you're too drunk.
Sometimes it means breakfast in bed and savoury kisses.
Sometimes it means annoying the **** out of each other with words that don't mean anything when you can't even remember why you were upset in the first place.
Sometimes it means holding hands inside your coat pocket just to have an excuse to touch.
Sometimes it means you need to hurt him like he hurt you in order to dissolve your own pain.
Sometimes being in a relationship means, the little victories overshadow the defeats, which is enough to make a love endless.
Jun 2015 · 558
sleazy beezy
Circa 1994 Jun 2015
baby when you taste me
I forget all the misery,
no weeping when you tease me.
no melancholy when you get ******.

I am the kernel lodged between your bicuspids.
Use your tongue to nudge me loose.
Jun 2015 · 559
self inflicted
Circa 1994 Jun 2015
*******,
dry heave,
dry eyes -
all on me.
I'm a picture
I'm your paint.
Smeary me, deary
to show that you love me.
May 2015 · 533
Untitled
Circa 1994 May 2015
And to think,
I just started writing you a story of boy meets girl.
But I forgot to add the part where boy leaves.
Circa 1994 May 2015
I'm bleeding boredom
While you're revising the things you said.
For me?
Probably.
Apology.
A redeeming soliloquy
painted ivory.
But I'm still bored
And I haven't stopped bleeding
Or believing you'll leave me.
Pity party
And too much cacophony.
Bring me down
Bring me low.
Sweet chariot
Let me go
Let me lie
Beneath the covers
Until my eyes are dry.
Circa 1994 May 2015
a pulse in your chest
and one to match between your legs.
racing,
pacing,
speed racer baby.
on all fours.
peering up at me,
tearing up,
cheer up pretty lady.
i won't make you do the things
that make you cringe.
the things that stain up the walls of your mind
and the back of your throat,
so you can pretend you're loved.
May 2015 · 449
blehh
Circa 1994 May 2015
im bad at boys
and they're bad at me.
what I want is not always what I need.
***** and moaning
about every little thing -
you're too nice and i'm too mean.
May 2015 · 1.0k
vitim of sleeplessness
Circa 1994 May 2015
Sometimes you get me stuck.
And the words we add to the equation
Only serve to dig me deeper in the dangerous swell of my unabridged mind.

Sometimes I need you to be selfless
And let me sleep instead
of playing the victim of our relationship before bed.
We don't think rationally
When the halo of sleep sinks down onto our head.
Apr 2015 · 375
death of me
Circa 1994 Apr 2015
Baby he don't want you
Baby he don't love you.
Take a look
Take a listen,
Take back all the things you've entrusted.
Don't let his dance fool you
Don't be mesmerized
By his shady kisses
And his shadowy eyes.
He's not an enigma
But he'll be your demise.
Apr 2015 · 2.3k
puppy
Circa 1994 Apr 2015
i know a boy
a boy that thinks about a girl,
a girl that seldom thinks of him.
only when it's convenient.
only when it feels good.
only when it's late.
and no one else is around.
Circa 1994 Apr 2015
I bite down on the orange, with the intact rind. My teeth break the thick skin, and I find the soft fruit beneath. I slurp the juice that's begun to dribble out of my mouth and down my chin. It burns my cracked lips and the sores in my my mouth I've acquired from gnawing the skin off the inside of my cheeks. Using my tongue, I feel around for stringy, hanging flesh to rip from the walls of my cheeks and roll around on my taste buds. I look up at the sky, the sun shining in my eyes - but I manage not to squint. It's a Thursday and the morning is ripe with possibility.

My feet crunch the grass. Softly smoldering the bright green flames. They rattle in the wind and scream upon my approach. With a glare, I urge them to shrivel. Before me lies a small ***** covered in weeds. The type that grow small white and yellow flowers. I lower myself into a cluster and weave the flowers together in a white-yellow-white pattern. Bees kiss my knees. I'm disrupting their means to make honey.

I can see a figure standing stiffly in the distance. The figure is a person. The person is Bailey. Bailey is my boyfriend that moved here from Chicago and talks too loud. Dating me makes him feel interesting. I imagine he likes to tell his friends he's dating a girl made up of sharp angles - a girl that hasn't shaved her armpits in over a year.

My ******* are the size of half dollars. I know. I've measured them. They're pink and puffy - jutting out from the small ***** of my breast. Contrary to what you might think - I keep my ***** hair trimmed short and tidy. My *** is flat and wide as a door. I am the inverse of every man's fantasy.
Apr 2015 · 687
pardon my vent
Circa 1994 Apr 2015
Ashamed
is the word for what you're feeling.
And i can't be bothered with this.
Because we don't feel real
Until you admit i exist.
Bisou bisou
It'd be easier in another dimension.
But alas.
Apr 2015 · 730
jk
Circa 1994 Apr 2015
jk
When love and like aren't synonymous
I feel anonymous.
Apr 2015 · 282
Untitled
Circa 1994 Apr 2015
I've run out of things to say
That don't weigh more than you can lift.
Mar 2015 · 361
refunded relationship
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
Sometimes I wish you didn't
Love me.
It feels like I trapped you.
Like you'd choose to stay with me
And stay miserable.
You think I'm the best
You can do.
That shows how much you know.
You were overcharged
For the limited services I provide.
Return me and get your money back.
Then invest it in someone
Without tears and cracks.
Mar 2015 · 364
blind-sided.
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
You can't fix what's not broken.
What never was.
You can't keep silent the voices in your head.
Because I hear them too.
Violent whispers of remorse painted blue.
We can't be the antidote.
We're too busy talking over each other.
Too busy talking about our relationship
To actually have one.

Nobody told me.
I didn't know.
Mar 2015 · 2.2k
persuasive palms.
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
I lay my palm flat against my tummy. This is my body. I place my hands on the coldness of the cement wall. this is a wall. Hand on my stomach again. This is my body. This is my body. But I don't believe it. Im trying to convince myself that it's true.
Mar 2015 · 285
everyone you know
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
People die all the time.
Like god mothers
And kids you knew from school but never spoke to.

People you cry for until you die too.
Some who aren't worth a tear.

People who you prayed for and thought would get better.
Some deaths come as no surprise.
Mar 2015 · 408
wrecked
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
Big metal boxes
Silly people drive around in.
They make your body stutter
With acidic anxiety.

I want to fix you
Not cause you're broken.
I'm scared I can't save you
From the things your mind does.

but I'd lick the inside of you as readily as I lick the outside skin
If only to demonstrate my adoration
For the broken soul just within.
Baby, your bones are wrapped in perfection.
Mar 2015 · 396
Untitled
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
Trying too hard.
That's why your legs are covered in bruises.
Smiling too wide
That's why he doesn't want you.
Crying too often.
That's why you're so good at making people laugh.
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
boys make me tired boys make me ache boys make me want to scoop out my eyeballs  with silver spoons so I don't have to see the hurt I'm inflicting on myself

boys want attention I think they need it more than me. I want attention but I also want to be happy

people are mean fickle things
Inflicting pain to heal their hurt
They aren't nice because niceness burns and stings
Warped thoughts
Melted mind.
when did my guilt become your antidote?
Let this be a dream.
Mar 2015 · 963
myself: the lighthouse
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
I wish i were a lighthouse;
Then I'd be my own safe place.
And the dark wouldn't seem so threatening.
Mar 2015 · 364
Untitled
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
My prince
My liege
My ephemeral love.

I wrote this happy poem for you
So you can sleep.
Mar 2015 · 298
Untitled
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
You calm me down,
When you
Call me baby.
When you don't disappear.
You excite and delight me
Encourage and nourish

Keep doing those things
That you do to me boo
Circa 1994 Mar 2015
That ****** me up.
That thing you said.
And then you left me
all sticky
Your slimy words in my head.

It worked.
Mission accomplished.
I am indeed
A self fulfilling prophecy.

Why is that
Heavy things flatten me out.
And when im smooshed
You can flutter about.
Feb 2015 · 302
my heart's asleep
Circa 1994 Feb 2015
I retreat to numbness a lot. It is an easy thing to be.

I’ll drink a cup of water slowly; imagining that the liquid in the cup is my feelings - and by the time the cup is empty, so am I.

So I didn’t always feel it when he told me he loved me, even though I believed him. And sometimes it was difficult to love him through the void of neutrality.

...sometimes it is.
Feb 2015 · 346
15w (+5)
Circa 1994 Feb 2015
people
are
the
greatest
cause
of
loneliness
because
we're
all
too
busy
keeping
ourselves
company.
we're all self absorbed ******.
Circa 1994 Feb 2015
tell me something I don't know.
like how the wind chooses which way it wants to blow.
or why pain can distract us from our hurts.

tell me something new.
about the parts of the ocean that have yet to be explored.
and the time it takes to get over a person that got over you.

don't waste my time with common rhymes.
tell me what made you so blue.
Feb 2015 · 391
blunt objects
Circa 1994 Feb 2015
**** anyone that presumes to know how
I feel.
You *******.
You ****.
Smiling eyes. Bleeding tongue.

Blah blah blah -
Are you okay now?
You're okay, right?

How are things
How are you
Small talk
Small words,
And quick *****.

Because someone has to do it.
Feb 2015 · 2.5k
grumpy
Circa 1994 Feb 2015
**** I'm annoyed.
At everything.
At every one.
At you.
Those things you said
Get stuck in my head
And poison my precious
Peace of mind.
It's fine.
Everything.
And every one.
And me.
At least I will be
Sometime soon.
Jan 2015 · 439
public apology
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
You are more important than proving a point, or whatever else excuse I can come up with. I don't want you to wake up mad and I'm sorry you had to go to sleep upset. It was wrong of me to drudge up past mistakes when I have far greater offenses and you never do that to me. I'm really sorry for being unfair in that way and for undermining you. You were justified in how you felt.
Jan 2015 · 323
things that haunt me
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
Ghosts of arguments passed.
The harsh echo of words that linger
In the coldest corners of your mind.

Foggy apparitions that slither through your body without permission,
Like the way a hurt can enter and never leave fully.

Acidic taste of ***** spouting,
Burning through good memories.
Now they're tainted with chunks of food you've forgotten you ate.

And all that's left
Is shoulders hunched forward,
Back and neck stiffened
As you brace yourself for the pain.
Jan 2015 · 387
Untitled
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
It's funny how things work out.
Even funnier how they don't.
Life is a funny, whimsical little thing.
It's even funnier when you're dead.
Jan 2015 · 1.7k
pervert
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
Cranky clitorous
Shaking in bliss.
Topsy turvy,
Give me a tickle.
Give me a lick,
Like lollipop sugar sweetness -
You've got a candy coated tongue.

Twitching legs.
Raking nails across
Crumpled sheets.

Don't cry baby,
Even though it's beautiful to die.
Jan 2015 · 388
squandered
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
Something wasted,
Something ruined,
Something rubbed raw.

Goodbye to goodbyes.
They always turn sour.
Like your fingers after you've touched me.

**** on this.
**** on me.
**** it up baby,
Stop scraping your knees for my sympathy.
Jan 2015 · 1.9k
cum gullet
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
She liked the way his ***
Gave her shiny, webbed fingers.
She liked to hold them up to the light
And watch the way they glistened.
A translucent filth.
She identified with this.
She aspired to be this ***** thing
That could be had,
Without being seen.

Most people swallowed her up.
But she wanted to be spit out.
Jan 2015 · 558
synchronize your clocks
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
Timing's off.
Different clocks.
Yours says go.
Mine says stop.
Your time's fast,
And my time's slow.
Why do you leave when I come home?
Sometimes being in a couple makes me feel alone.
Jan 2015 · 17.2k
to feel or not to feel
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
Sad because you feel too much
Or mad because you can't feel a thing.
Greener grass beckons,
And you wave to it longingly.

Love the rise,
Hate the fall.
Melodramatic monotone of monotony.
Perishable Plateau.
Whisk me away into infinity.

Dead on arrival.
Dead to the world.
Dead as a doornail.

Stuff me back inside my body
Like clothes in a suitcase.
I fit. I promise.
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
I was there for a while,
The tops of my feet
Just skimming cloud nine.

Baby, I danced on air.

But then I looked down at the treetops,
And I traded paradise for earth.

Because I couldn't feel love or life or anything up there.
But on earth I can feel dead loveless human beings.
And aren't they worth that fall.
I felt an overlap.
And my reflection almost looked familiar.
I felt once,
And I'll feel again
And I'll overcome whatever it is
That cursed me from my body.
Jan 2015 · 353
new and improved?
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
We're not what we were.
But I don't care about how we used to be,
I just want the us that we are now to make me happy.

We could harp on the past
And fake older versions of ourselves.
Or we can keep being our current selves
And hope for a future where we won't be plagued with doubt.

Cause rough is the life at sea,
But far better to bear the waves
Than to give into misery.
Let's talk about it.
I can't talk about it.
Let's ignore it.
Let's not.
Go to sleep
And I'll be alone now.
The end.
Jan 2015 · 2.6k
hoping not to be doubtful
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
I can never seem to hold you
For very long.

But I kiss my fingertips after you're gone.
Maybe someday you'll stay awhile
And do the kissing for me.
Jan 2015 · 504
sadness in disguise
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
the emotion i'm most intuned with is (sadness disguised as) anger.
i'm angry (sad) that I am the way I am.
i'm angry (sad) that people can't fix me.
i'm angry (sad) that I keep being misunderstood by the people I thought knew me the best.

my stitches keep bursting open.
from beneath a red valley rushes towards the surface.

making eye contact with my reflection -
I am not looking at me.

i'm angry (sad) I can't feel the love others ****** towards me.
It doesn't feel real.
Disingenuous at best.
i'm angry (sad) everyone has their distraction  except for me.
i'm angry (sad) that my motivation is being weaned by anxiety.
All my true feelings and thoughts are outside of my body.
I have to be my own cure and remedy until people aren't so busy.
Jan 2015 · 306
"i dont want to be alone"
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
The start of something reckless.
But recklessness comes in pairs.
So at least someone else would be here.
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
Even though I seemed fine.
You were supposed to hear it in my voice.
I thought you would sense it.
But you didn't answer the phone.
You were too busy to talk.
You wanted to sleep.

I could be reckless.
That would get your attention.
I could be foolish.
And get sent to detention.

But I will keep plucking
From my bag of generic responses.
I will keep adding
To my list of excuses.
Jan 2015 · 415
emergency contact
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
"Who should I call in the event of an emergency?"

I'll scroll through my phone and pretend there is someone that could come running to my rescue.

"This is what you wanted God. Right?"

I've overstayed my welcome in every home I've lived in.
I've driven away all those I love into the hands of sleep.
An excuse to escape me.
And I'm letting go.
I'm giving in.

"Can I come over? I don't want to be alone tonight."

People don't like things they don't understand.
Surrounded on all sides by people.
Drowning in a sea of lonely.
Jan 2015 · 1.2k
fuck up
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
mommy's first mistake.
hair and eyes the color of freshly mixed mud.
too small and lumpy.

passed off to daddy like a hot potato.
that potato grew.
and now i'm daddy's regret too.
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
Roller derby, disco.
Bump and grind
On the dance floor.
Drink some punch,
Sip some wine.
Party, party, people.
Flirty, *****, girly girl.
Do a spin,
Flail and twirl,
Dip, but do not fall.

All of these
And many more
You're sure to learn
In a year or four.
Jan 2015 · 1.0k
rotten brat
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
baby grew up
and baby turned bad.
but all the babes liked her,
which made her daddy mad.
but a mad daddy is better than
a sad baby.
Circa 1994 Jan 2015
stick your thumb in my mouth,
Alleyway, alley cat.
scritch
scritch
scratch

I hereby solemnly swear - to you I'll bow.
Between your knees.
Wedged between your thighs,
while I stare up at your face -
into your bloodshot (deceptive) eyes.

You act like no one's ever called you a **** before.
But that can't be true,
cause you're the devil himself.
You do what feels good.
"To take the edge off," you say as you promise to be okay.

I don't believe you.
You're not sincere.
Because the first time we met - you weren't wearing underwear.

You degenerate.
You minx in the prime of her youth.
I'll love you and use you,
but only because you asked me to.
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