It was subtle, but he touched my soul in a way that no other could.  He calmed my inner dialogue and put my fears to rest.
The monsters aren't as scary when you have someone else slay them with you and comfort you in the darkness.
And in this new calm state, still, I stirred and grabbed deep down, a fire in me I long forgot about
You've lent me a pair of glasses which showed all the beautiful parts of me I couldn't see
Most important of all, you never judged me, not once, for just being me
©2021 Christina Jackson

I wrote this down for you
so I would remember
all the best parts we shared
the kiss within the kiss
that sweet moment
before our lips touch
a faint memory
little ghosts  dancing on
the surface of my lips
where you once belonged
I wanted to write you something
beautiful so that you would remember
that it wasn't just an illusionary concept
I conjured up in my mind
And I don't want to feel anymore
because living isn't living without you
and these headaches from the tears I've cried
are starting to deplete my energy slowly
I hate it; I hate it so much
and I can't feel you next to me anymore
curled up in your arms
I stare at the bed, and it's not the same
Can anyone hear me scream?
How can this much pain be so silent
And I wipe away the tears from my eyes
little droplets of salty memories disappear
The heat rising in my chest up and down my neck
from holding my breath
And the release isn't enough
nothing is ever enough
because living isn't living without you
and I thought I was fine, but I don't
sleep the same anymore, and my heart
aches when I hear your voice
my knees still get weak
I feel everything and nothing all at the same time
And I thought I was so sure
I didn't have to spend time looking for someone
anymore
I thought you were it  and so I stopped trying to find
something I already had
I know why you did what you did
but ****** if  I'm not still angry with myself
even though you told me I was enough
somehow I don't believe one bit of it
In the end, I was just another distraction
from your wounded, barely healed heart
I feel so used, but I can't fault you for hurting
and I can't be angry with you for the decisions you made
in the end, you did what you did for yourself
I wish these tears would somehow erase these
new marks I've acquired on my fragile heart
but they just dry up and start again
If only I drowned in them
maybe I wouldn't have to deal with this pain
and the realization that you were never mine
but I'll always be a little bit yours
©2020 Christina Jackson

There is hope for us yet
When words fail
and only actions speak
These hands become healers

Tracing every line
of your shape
Ear to chest
I can feel the shallow
breaths
Heart skipped a beat

The ever-growing tension
shatters-
When these hands hold
your face and kiss
you softly
dissolving the pain

Those eyes speak volumes
my heart hurts
When you grabbed my hand
and wouldn't let go

These healing hands
they shake
with indecision
Terror running through
my veins

The denial of something
real and concrete
A self-sabotaging trait
I wish to eliminate

I want you to want me
for me, not some convoluted
fantasy

I fashion metaphors
and wear them like armor
to deflect
All I want is to **** the air
from your lungs

Hold me tight
oh healing hands
don't fail me now

I need you now
more than ever
As they glide up
and down my spine

Now I'm naked
holding my heart out
to you
©2020 Christina Jackson

I would beg on bent knee
for all the gods to bring you
back to me

We were giants once
Do you remember?
The days we basked in
the sunlight
On the rocks, where the waves
crashed down upon us
Skin warmed and kissed
by the dying rays

I would beg on bent knee
for all the gods to bring you
back to me

When we became shrunken
like the voodoo heads
That hang in car windows
Do you remember?
You smiled back at me
Crookedly, lovingly

Your tender heart could
not bear the darkness
As I have welcomed it in
Easily, like an old friend

And I'd rip these trees
Root and stem
Beg on bent knee
For you, back again

And where will I stand?
When the earth opens up
and swallows me whole
Like the hole in my heart

Back in the place I left you
is where you'll find me
Down on bent knee

Earth rumbling with anger

I'll never be free
©2020 Christina Jackson

And I'll whisper your name on my lips
That brief moment when I could still feel you there
It's an empty space that I don't wish to replace
anytime soon

You meet certain people at the right time
They come into your life for a few minutes, hours
even years

Sometimes you get those people who are meant to be
lessons, mixed up with the ones who will always stay

And sometimes you fall so ******* hard
you stumble through the days
Forget time exists

Your brain is wasted on fantastical thoughts
and unrealistic expectations
That narrative you wrote in your head
doesn't actually exist

And if we don't tell the people we fall for
how we feel, are we supposed to go
through life wondering what if?

Cut the ******* cord
burn it to ash
*******, just tell that person
and who knows
the feelings may not last

A temporary feeling
They could just crumble away
and isn't that so true of the time we are given?
I won't let myself wait for you

We waste it away
and wonder years later
what happened to that person
we thought we loved so much

It was like a fire inside of my heart
the logs burned long and bright
Oh, but darling it was snuffed out
without a fight

I was never worth fighting for
And if you don't go down screaming
for the ones you love
what is the ******* point?

I want to feel ALL of you
the warm breath on my skin
Whispering nonsensical *******
into my ear
it doesn't even matter
or have to make sense

And to taste you would
be a sweet ******* dream
Always slightly out of reach
And that hail storm hits you
knocks you off that pedestal
where I so foolishly held you

And your fingers, those hands
once held this face, these hips
and I forgot what it felt like
to love, the way you taste

To have any ounce of hope
and it ******* hurts
Knowing I can't have you here
the way I want you
Unavailable in so many ****** ways

I crush my own heart
I don't need help from anyone else
And yet you are still here, not
actually here with me
An intangible thought

Your body makes me want
to commit sins the gods would
strike me down
for thinking such thoughts
Please, forgive me, I'll confess

Your lips leave me hanging here
like the former shell of a human
a ghost without a home
because home was always with you

I could turn these buildings to ash
with these flames inside of my chest
It was beautiful to watch it all burn

I was worth fighting for
We were worth fighting for
and you let it all go to ****

All of these moments with you
disappear into the abyss
© 2020 Christina Jackson

The spring that wouldn’t end

We locked ourselves in
Sunlight became
Fluorescent bulbs and
candlelight for some

And we couldn’t breathe
airways became sirens
and the world fell silent

Out of the storm
We have united-
A shift in consciousness

It was the spring
that wouldn’t end

We thought we were
Invincible
But found out how
dispensable we had become

And becoming became a
part of our daily ritual
and our guns became
masks and bleach

We thought we were safe

The lies spilled out
over the news station
radio waves

Official orders became
streetlights
As if we were all grounded
for staying out after dark

We weren’t smart
playing dead was
no longer a game
Sunday morning cartoons
became one thousand people dead
and all before 8 a.m!

We the people disobeyed
the chief in command
A murderer
The 1% will never understand

Nurses and doctors
suddenly became war
heroes
We cheered them on and
though they tried
Thousands started dropping
like flies

They called it mismanagement
I call it a crime

The spring that wouldn’t end
bleeds into summer
and the traffic lights are
blinking warning signs

We are moving too fast
it will never end

And the tyrants started
to look like giants
We’ve drawn back
the curtain
between love and hate

Division of lives
we conquered divided lines
and we drew lines in the sand
S.O.S
Screaming at the top
of our lungs

Lungs that have grown
vulnerable, to an invisible enemy

Picking its victims at random
And our answers to
questions unanswered
lie at the bottom of Petri dishes

And our kitchen cabinets
became locked targets

People hoarded the markets
of supplies, ripped out
root and stem
We bought all the wrong things
and we’re surprised when
it didn’t keep us safe

And those megaphones
turned into noise
canceling headphones

Your words don’t matter

But hey, take solace in
knowing we still have each other

Hugs turned into construction
barricades

Don’t stand so close to me
When coughs and holding
hands became the most
dangerous weapons to wield

So we used soap as shields
Kept each other in our
“thoughts and prayers”

Still believing something
invisible could cure us
When the very thing was
killing us

They called you a martyr
for leaving your home
in plain clothes

Menacing eyes follow you,
remember
Stay six feet apart
Because “droplets won’t spread
that far” -we promise!

And to the man who
led the command
you didn’t keep us safe
Your words became
bioweapons
terrorizing the land

And it didn’t matter
if you turned off the t.v
you were still there
spreading lies
spewing hateful
rhetoric

And the history books
won’t forget about us
Not again

We will always remember
the spring that
wouldn’t end

Our news feeds
were filled up
The grids became slower
We didn’t plan for this
[oh but we did, I tell ya!]

There are some who
are thriving
Finding their way in
the darkness

Pardon me, could you be
a little more quiet?
You’re disrupting the
regularly scheduled
program on war and
violence

And some became so
blinded by hate that
country of origin
was more important
than a human life

And how did they report it?

We became experts
in the art of hard targets
We had more
coffins than nails
and hammers

Virtual funerals
became a thing
When family and
friends “Party of 20”
didn’t mean the
same thing

Quickly, hide your children
hide the old and the wise
“They are most vulnerable”
lock them up inside

And we tried to
save the college
graduate
Who had no known
preexisting conditions
and as he gasped
for air

He blamed the politicians
for sending them down
the wrong path to
righteousness

And he became
just another number
on any given day

During the spring
that wouldn’t end

So we partied on
live streams-
danced in virtual
clubs
Made friends with
strangers
learned how to love

There were those
who logged
hundreds of hours
building their fantasy
worlds
Where Tim and Tom became
just as prolific as Jack and Jill

And somehow through
it all
We found love in the
time of COVID-19

During the spring
that wouldn’t end
© 2020 Christina Jackson

When you lose the motivation
to keep breathing

Feeling-

The apathy settles in
Like an old friend
Unwelcome, locked doors
keys thrown aside

You tried

You feeling nothing anymore
it's all been a lie
© 2020 Christina Jackson

I am not for the meek
the weak
or the faint of heart

I am fire
And passion

Blazing trails of dust
in the faces of every man
that wronged me

And now I wake
Rise to the occasion
and let the sorrow in

Today is for the wicked
and tomorrow we sin
© 2020 Christina Jackson

And new callouses formed-
hardening the once bloodied
and broken skin

Roots broke through
old dirt
now renewed

Part the seven seas
The veins of earth,
need to breathe

We've come undone,
time to reweave-
the fabric of ourselves
hath been redeemed.
©2020 Christina Jackson

I will always be waiting in between
worlds-

The moment within the moment

Where your arms were once wrapped
around me.

I can still feel you there, next to me.
©2020 Christina Jackson

Under the covers we keep-
a secret so deep

Poseidon swam away
screaming

Swallowed whole-
His trident sunk to the bottom

You'll never find him
©2020 Christina Jackson

We all have demons-

The difference between,
you and me-

I choose to feed them.

They live rent-free,
unwanted guests trapped
in the abyss of my memories

I cannot hide
it's all in my mind

separation of church and
state
There is no redemption

Last call, fist fight-
getting over the words
inside of my mind

I must be dreaming
it's all deceiving
©2020 Christina Jackson

And suddenly, without warning-
A fire ignited inside of her

Years of dormancy
Emerging from her slumber

Starting over is some kind
of wonderful
©2020 Christina Jackson

And there was nothing but blackness
as far as the eye could see
She was spinning tops in her head
swatting the demons away like fleas

Unbeknownst to her, disease was setting in
Spreading like wildfire, she screamed
As they welcomed themselves in
No invitation was needed, for she had conceded

The darkness was swallowing her once again

Her yearly ritual, the grin of a ghastly figure stood over her whistling the familiar tune
She knew it was time to shut her eyes, so swallowing her pride;
Two sarcastic pills appeared in her hand, this time she couldn't disguise the screams.

Choking and convulsing
Sweating and foaming

She awoke the next morning, the whites of her eyes-
Nearly plum wine as if the vines had drawn little lies to remind her of last night.

She wouldn't let them win-
with a wink and a drink she drew the curtains of dread
Light flooded toward her
In the blink of an eye she drew a big smile
and the sun warmed her icy veins
Basking in her new found perspective

She wouldn't let the demons win.
© 2019 Christina Jackson

And if I could cry-
for just a little while
My body would run dry

Tear ducts, like air ducts
I need a replacement
The ventilation is all wrong

Misty and fogged glasses-
Impair my vision
Remove them and I am blind

Blind to the heartache-
the metaphorical bleeding
inside of my mind

Every day the pain grows-
Grows roots, roots that once
kept me grounded

Now I'm surrounded-
by the demons I once
banished

Rip the roots from my feet
and all I'm left with is nothing.

Nothing but darkness
and blank space

Dark and deep
The black hole In which I keep you
Swirls infinitely

I brace myself for impact
the meteorite sets it sights
on my chest
****** target, take aim and
gain flight

Don't miss, you'll regret it

I could be angry, but what's the point?

You're gone forever
and never coming back
© 2017 Christina Jackson

When the wind blows loosely across
my sun-kissed skin
I can feel you-
Running through the veins of my
hallowed out hopes and dreams.

When I close my eyes in the dark of night
I can see you-
Running through my littered distraught
mind.

You wake me from my dreams
Bolt upright, lungs feel airtight
I'm gripping my sheets, gasping for air

I can still feel you here
In spirit and soul

I never truly understood the
nature of suffering, until you
left me here.
© 2017 Christina Jackson

We silently weep
You wouldn't know it
under the covers we keep-
All the tears saved away

We silently weep
Beneath the pale skies of night

Where no one can see-
The tears welling up inside

We walk like giants in the day
Show no fear, or bottled up pain

We silently weep
as the white horses
roll towards the rocks

Crashing down, the waves
envelop us, drowning out
our muttered cries.

We silently weep
into ancient depths
of oceans lost-
Where our tears go
but are never forgotten
© 2017 Christina Jackson

So? How about it now?
Just one look

Don't cry

There's that look again in your eyes

So? How about it now?
Just one look

Don't cry

That pain you feel inside?
It's eating away at you inner light

Promise me, hand in hand
We'll see each other again

Closed eyes, short of breath
Is your heart beating lightning fast?

Cause I'm trembling here, without you

So? How about it now?
One last goodbye

Please, I'm begging you

Don't cry

I'm always here

Through the depths of time and space
I can feel you here, reaching out for me

It's not impossible

It's only a holographic world
Space and time and distance,
are limiting your mind

So? How about it now?
Can you feel your hand in mine

Reaching out for you
from limitless dimensions

Please, I'm begging you

Don't cry

It was just an illusionary device
You conjured up in your head

So? How about it now?

The demons won again
© 2017 Christina Jackson

One hundred and twenty-six days-
sober.
I thought I was strong enough
What the **** is the point of thinking
you have free will when this poison touched
my lips again?
After 126 days-
I convinced myself I was okay, that I could
"handle" just one drink
But one turned into more-
and I've had enough in my lifetime...
© 2016 Christina Jackson

Death does not wait;
Nor does life.

I fight and I fight
With no end in sight

Death does not wait;
Nor does life.

I wither in pain
hollow inside and out

my flame does not burn
It’s been snuffed out.

In Death and Life

There is no end,
no end in sight.
© 2016 Christina Jackson

I wish I could feel again-
Breathe again, open up my airways
to new life.
I'm living as an empty shell-
I want to feel what it's like to be alive.
I can't describe the way numb feels,
because you feel nothing, or
you feel too much, used up.
Like an old record, skipping past the
best parts of the song.
You want so badly to listen again,
but the record is broken, and you cannot
find a replacement.
I'm tired of wearing this armor-
The pain is unbearable, almost too much
to muster up the courage and face the world.

I'd rather feel PAIN than feeling NOTHING at all.
© 2016 Christina Jackson

I loved you more than words could ever show-
You were this cosmic rope holding an infinite sea,
keeping me afloat.
A million lifetimes have passed since we first met-
I feel as though that rope now has been cut,
The door once open and welcoming, now shut.

I need you here now
I need you to see me silently bow-
And praise the universal gods that led me
to you.
Because after all, without you how would
I have learned to feel, truly feel something real?

With every heart string that’s plucked,
I bless the life I’ve been given.  
You showed me what could have been,
and what will never be.

And as much as my bitter heart breaks, every time
that thought invades my mind, I’m still grateful.
Eternally and hopelessly grateful for you.

The window once open has now
since been shut.
Everything and everyone in my life-
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
© 2016 Christina Jackson

Words cannot explain the way I feel
at this moment.
I watched you die, I watched you
slip from this life.

Chest compressions, nurses on top
of your hospital bed giving you
CPR and trying to save your life.

It took you five hours to die-
3 critical codes. cardiac arrest.

I saw your heart, the echocardiogram
Your heart was beating so slowly,
I could barely watch what was happening
outside of the emergency room.

I felt numb, I felt nothing;
in the moment, I couldn't feel
a **** thing.

I have cried many times and
I feel absolutely guilty for going
out to dinner, and spending time
with friends and family without
you here.
I know you wouldn't want me
to stop living my life.
But by god do I feel guilty for
trying to live my life.

This poem isn't eloquent or even
beautiful. However, I feel I had to
release this pain I've been feeling.

It's as though a knife has cut straight
down from my chest to my stomach.

This pain is inconsistent-
heart disease is so common
Most people don't even think
about it until they are in the same
situation.

I can't write anymore,
if I do I'll end up falling apart.
© 2016 Christina Jackson

Anxiety meds take control-
over my heart, brain, and soul.

In these past few months-
I haven't yet learned how
to take control.

The mind is a beautiful
thing to waste.

And I have wasted
away slowly, day by day.

I'm finally seeing a therapist,
and that has made all the
difference & no judgements
have been made.*

© 2016 Christina Jackson

I'm going to eat
so many chips
and cookies

THE END.

© 2016 Christina Jackson

I tried- with comprising eyes
Yet you loved her with all that was
beautiful and wise.

My inevitable demise-

I was an afterthought;  I couldn't
keep what was brooding inside.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Blowing in the wind, are the
remnants of "us".
© 2015 Christina Jackson

I've been waiting-
For the life that's draining
from these veins-
To come alive and revive me again.

These cuts are a violating-
obsessive compulsive disorder
I cannot, refrain.

As I stare down at the blackness
of my blood.
I wonder if this is all-
that I am made up of.

It's as though little streams
of water are running down my
legs.
The scent of copper, and the warmth
of the sun.

I can feel it on my skin.

Enveloping me

Crawling through my blood

Reviving me again.
© 2015 Christina Jackson

They call it Devils Cut
90 proof, a bottle full
of liquid luck.

I drown myself-
in the bottle of
delicious lustful
drunkenness

Waiting for you
to come home to me.

But-

I will never have you-
As I want you.
Your love runs deep-
deep into my bones.

There will always be
remnants of you, crawling
through my skin.

The gentle breeze of a
summers wind-
Reminds me of
every hanging whim.

I love you dearly
and the devil
cut my heart-
ever so cleanly.

You are no where
near, and never will be.

Always an invisible force-
waking me from my dreams.
© 2015 Christina Jackson

I know you
I know your soul

Deep down into the darkest corners
of your pain and strife-

I have searched and found,
there is magic in your eyes

The type of magic you see
gleaming from a newborn
just discovering the world
for the first time.

Ancient melodies flow through
your bones as if the universe
is speaking through you-
In cosmic foreign tongues.

Your heart speaks to mine as if
we've known each other for
millions of lifetimes.

There is a comfort in knowing that
I will always carry your heart within mine.

The connection between self and soul,
is something only spoken in fairy tales.
It is wondrous and fantastical.

The magnetic pull of the earth
is constantly bringing me back to you.
As if no other existed before, and no
other will exist after.

There is only the here and now
All we have is this moment and
this breath of life.
The air traveling through our lungs, the
blood pumping in our veins-
It is all we have.

We are all living on borrowed time
and you are timeless.
In all essence and glory
You are the reason I keep drawing
breath from these often weakened
lungs.

The pain you feel travels through
my heart and soul-
As if lightning has struck when
you run into an existential wall.

I know you
I know your soul
It lives within me
You are part of my daily breath
and it will never leave me.
© 2015 Christina Jackson

Cold and sterile
the lights are blinding
as I walk down these
empty and hallowed
hallways.

The stench of death fills
the air.
I reach for your bedside
feeling remorse and regret.
The only father I'll ever have

So frail

Don't give in

You still breathe life within
you- it's not over yet.
Don't give up on us,
more importantly don't
give up on you.

Your wife, mother, sister, daughters
and granddaughter need you.
Despite the way you've lived your
life, we still love you and always
will.

The stench of death lingers
in the sterile air.
Our life force gives you the
strength to stay alive
and is keeping you here
against your free will and pride.

Don't give up, don't give up.

As if the clogged arteries weren't
enough, your heart is still beating
I won't let it stop.

I love you and that should be enough.

© 2015 Christina Jackson

To hold you, even just for a little while
Eternity in a hour

Time is such a sweet commodity

Your warm arms around me, there's
no place I'd rather be.

Forever tangled up in you,
would be the most wonderful
dream come true.
© 2015 Christina Jackson

You will never love me, as I love you.
This universal pull on my heart is so
strong, its suffocating me.

Here, in the dead of night I shed
my wings and die a little more inside.

The pieces of me fall away, turning into
remnants lost in time.

This silence is deafening-
and I cannot breathe knowing
you don't love me as I love you.

I am colorless, suffering from
a lack of color.
My heart no longer red, but now
ash, simply black and dead.
© 2015 Christina Jackson

I want to eat you-
Devour you whole
Remind you of your
primal goal.

The essence of self and soul

Skin on skin
Animalistic in nature

Nature vs Nurture
I nurture all of my
****** roles

Sweat dripping off of my chest
Sliding across yours

In hopes of healing-
our empty molds

Skin on skin
Animalistic to the core

I want to keep you-
under me, beside me
behind me.

Until we've forgotten the whole world
© 2015 Christina Jackson

I can feel the sadness in your bones
Lovely, dark and deep
Your heart needs a home
But I've got miles to go before I sleep
Those eyes that stare up at me are increasingly bleak
But I've got promises to keep

And miles to go before I'm at peace
© 2015 Christina Jackson

Your words have become voids-
in the vast universe,
I awake from my dreams
and feel you next to me

An invisible energy that cannot
be touched or seen.

I want to feel your life force
your warm body beside me

The void of your words have become
the abysmal fog that floats
through my mind

I can neither imagine life with it
or without
You encompass the whole of my
existence
without existing in any physical
shape or form.

You have become the beautiful sunrise
by which the light creeps through
my windows each morning
and the comforting moonlight
before I drift off into another
sleepless, painstaking night.

I want you next to me, the void of
your words are replaced by the silence
of your eyes peering back into mine.

The most terrifying, yet relieving
feeling I have ever felt in my life.
© 2015 Christina Jackson

I have no words for how much I miss you, I am speechless and growing mute.
You were always a piece of me, attached as though a puzzle
You've pieced me back together, little by little.
I'm growing smaller by the day
eventually I'll be nothing but
little bits of dried up clay
© 2015 Christina Jackson

Getting drunk
and staring at the wall-
I'm an expert
and this will not rhyme

The slur of words
I can't even comprehend
right now are incredibly
asinine

Drinking life from a bottle
is a sure fire way
to get knocked down

But that's life-
isn't it so divine?
© 2015 Christina Jackson

I am broken, and breaking apart
bitterly; day by day.
My mind has wandered far, far
and away.
I cannot seem to fathom this reality,
dreams are my only escape.

I am broken, and breaking apart
bitterly; day by day.
This world is too much for me,
you have always been my reason
to stay.

Without you I am numb to the world,
and I want so badly to feel again-
To feel you again.

I am broken, and breaking apart
bitterly; day by day.
© 2015 Christina Jackson

It was easy to say you were
all that I needed in this life.

No one I had ever connected with,
came close to the way you
made me feel, in a different sense.

Never did I ever expect to
fall so madly in love
with a man I had never met.

A spiritual connection between
you and I, that could never
be a replicate.

We live in between worlds,
a place where no one else
but you and I visit.

Only in my dreams can I feel
you. Nothing will ever make
this emptiness in my heart
right.

No matter how hard I try.
I won't give up
You are worth every breath,
as I grasp on to the present moment-
I won't give up.
© 2015 Christina Jackson

You were all that was sane in my life;
Now you've gone and entered the "afterlife".

Everything I loved, and aspired to be;
was you.

A successful strong independent women
that always knew what she wanted to do

After many years of suffering and unbearable
strife, she moved on.

Into another world; vast, far, and wide.

Oh what a lovely soul you had
a joy to be around

It's not the same anymore
nothing is alright
© 2014 Christina Jackson

An object of fire
Is much to be desired
The heart is an *****
with multiple disorders.
The head and the heart-
are not so smart;
When *** and lust,
play a key part.

No one is safe
everyone's a target

I'm glued to you
like a magnet.

Our bodies intertwine,
resulting in pent up
magic.

Fantasies we've come up
within our heads.

Oh ***, ***; a dreadful
yet delightful sin.

© 2014 Christina Jackson*.