I've made a point of making the difference
between being in love with someone
and loving them.
Being in love is eating strawberry ice-cream
or holding hands on a walk in the park.
It is the smell of summer,
it is the touch of the sea breeze,
it is waking up from a sweet dream.
But loving,
loving is rainy days spent in between bed sheets,
is it the immaculate silence
you can only share with a heart that beats to the same rhythm as yours,
it is the sound of thunder.
So when you tell me you love me,
I almost want to believe it,
but I look into your eyes and understand
you have no idea what you're talking about.
You're confusing it with fascination, darling,
you're confusing it with curiosity.
You're taking the street lights for stars.
You're taking the depth of the ocean
for familiar territory.
Your desire to figure me out,
to put me together like a puzzle
and the moonlight we shared
had nothing to do with love.

I am a student,
Born and raised in public education.
I am smart,
In my own right and my own way.
And I am capable,
If only I had the means and opportunity.

So how dare you tell me with ADHD
That I should “keep my body still” and “use my inside voice.”
I am trying to listen, I am trying to learn, but you aren’t trying to hear me!
Why can’t you see that my body just needs to be free?

How dare you tell me that I can read
When I can’t tell the difference between b, d, q, and p.
If you could see the world like me, it would be pictures, not symbols
Dancing across the page, why can’t they all just stop?

How dare you tell me that it’s my mother’s fault
When I fail the test or don’t do my homework.
She’s working three jobs to put food on the table,
I see how hard she works, don’t you?

How dare you tell me that we’re all the same
When the sounds you make aren’t the sounds of my father,
And I can’t hear when my sounds aren’t yours,
Can’t you see that I’m working twice as hard?

How dare you tell me that I “just need to try harder,”
When I can’t remember why is nine plus zero is nine, and nine plus one is ten,
But nine times one is nine, and nine times zero is nothing.
Are you living in a different world than me? Does two plus two ever equal three?

How dare you tell me that I just “need to focus.”
How can I analyze Shakespeare, when all I think is “hungry?”
How can I “solve for x”, when I’m adding up the money for my brother’s next meal?
Can’t you hear my stomach grumbling?

How dare you tell me that I can’t succeed
You can’t see my future. All you see are
The holes in my shoes and the stain on my shirt,
Why does money define me? Can’t you see the forest through all the trees?

How dare you tell me that I won’t make it.
Where I sleep may change like the wind but poverty is not a sin
And the love in my family is my home,
Why do you assume that we can’t win?

How dare you tell me that I need to calm down.
My rage is a tool of survival, I’ve waged more wars
Than you can count, dealing with this life is a battle.
Can you see an end in sight, aren’t you be the one supposed to save me?

I am a student,
Put on a path in public education.
And I am smart,
Regardless of what people say about me.
And I am capable,
I find my means and opportunity.

And I dare you to ever think any differently.

Her baby walks
She looks on proudly
One foot then the other
Step by step
Across the stage

His eyes find hers
Arms thrown high in victory
Diploma in hand
“Mommy look at me”
Her baby walks

you know how you drive by creepy abandoned buildings really slow just for the thrill? you think "woah that's creepy. someone was probably murdered there or it's haunted." but you never really know unless you go inside. just about everyone would hesitate going into a creepy abandoned building, but wouldn't blink twice about going into a giant fresh estate. imagine going into the abandoned building to find it newly furnished and spankin' clean. then imagine going into the fresh estate and finding holes in the floor and everything covered in an inch of dust. i am the latter. i look nice on the outside and seem to have a lot going on. but without hesitating, take a step through the front door. hear it creak? be careful. you'll get tangled in the cobwebs, and your coat will get hooked on the loose nails. i'm sorry; i don't want you to leave. if you really want to, explore the whole house and maybe even stay the night. but if you want to leave in the morning, that's alright. it's dark and smells musty from the hollow memories scattered on the living room floor. i filled the cracks in the ceiling with peoples' failed attempts at loving me. i'm sorry it's so dark and cold here. i used all my matches trying to keep the last person from leaving. i've swept the floor countless times but i can't brush off what he said. i get bored because i've read every book on the shelf and they all end the same: exactly how they wanted it. i know they're fiction because this is not how i wanted it to end. why don't i just leave, you ask? well, i don't have a key. but there's no lock on the door. that's why you can get out, but i can't. so maybe it's not the building that's abandoned, maybe it's me.

a.h.d.

I may fall in love one day but their heart beart won't pound out my name
electricity will not flow through my veins with their touch
my fingers will never crackle as I reach out for more
my bones will not ache with their absence
my lips will never endlessly crave for theirs against mine
I may fall in love one day but it will not be ardently enveloping

you make me frustrated in the strangest ways, but I guess that's love? I wouldn't call it that but it's starting to creep down that steep *****. I really wish you'd actually talk to me but you're always holding back. I can't tell if it's from fear of what could be or what is. you make me self conscious and self confident. see how you conflict me? I question nearly everything I do, especially when I'm with you. I control my laughter and bite my tongue, or I guffaw with audacity and speak my mind. I'm caught between two of my selves because I'm caught between which one you like more. both are me, yet neither really seem to be. I'm quite tired of the charade but I will not be the one to quit now. I'll ride it out and regret it years from now.

Secret Gardens
Made for whispers and peculiar things
Slight breeze hums over trickling waters
Vines reaching for their piece of Sun

Blooming peonies
Hushed lavender
A single auburn rose
Not afraid of different

A wooden swing hung from the lilac tree
Moving to the beat of the wind
Giggles formed from the years spent
A plutherea of delightful times

A whist is heard
A cascading leaf?
Or a faery bride
Promenading down a pebble isle?

i am
the sky,
and you,
a sunset.
i know
you are
fleeting,
but i'm
begging you
to stay. nobody
knows how to
appreciate me
without you.