layer upon layer
I dug myself
a deeper
place to rest....
what's on the other side?
what's greener there?
can I make it through  
with
internal doubt
& rage which
push into me
spiraling
& dancing
into a red lit lounge
with your maggot brain
& passing rocks
between our tongues?
you saw my skin
& porcelain fate
all in my sentence
& then you smashed my
youth to smithereens
on the corner of your bed frame
while I learned
to fly into the night
on the
wings of moths ...
early November enveloping me
in gentle decay
& landing on your
doorway
hands clasped together
prayers & stutters
and cucumber *****
& leaving all sanity
at your front door
holding in my pocket
a shard of yesterday
just to get me through
to make me remember
that this is all
a temporary resting
place
& I can cut out of here
sooner than I let this
place slowly cut into me
& take away who I am
I am not you,
you are not me &
I'll never be what you want
& all these ways
that aren't my being
these faces, these stares
these costumes
I was meant for so much more
I was meant to be seen
in full
& not in small detail.
Take me out from under your lens,
maybe stop burning holes
into a person who just tried to love
another
I know how to plug up my own mishaps
I know how to
yes, I know how to..

I’ll always remember that last time with you.
I wore my black fur coat,
the “Russian one”
& we held hands together at 7:00 AM.

We stood in the middle of the street to kiss.
There was no one in sight.
We held up, only,
The traffic in our hearts,

Just to watch the dawn that came upon us.

How long did I travel
to walk up to this fortune
among distracted people
I was somebody

How many sleepless nights
to climb this wall
among forgetful children
I've put my fear away

I was waiting for you
in my veins it crescendoed
an ardent music
burning from inside
and you held on to me
like an ultimate hope
I could feel it inside
in all of my clothes

My precious
now I’ll fly together with you
and this journey will be a song
for giving me the love to live

My precious
now I’ll go along with you
to fetch all the most beautiful dreams
for those who must go on

How long did I travel
to walk up to this fortune
without any jacket or tie
and like this I made it
among important blokes
who’ve reached for the moon
Sometimes I look back
to figure out what I’ve been through

I was waiting for you
in my veins it crescendoed
an ardent music
burning from inside
and you held on to me
like an ultimate hope
I could feel it inside me
in all of my clothes

My precious
now I’ll fly together with you
over the time remaining for our faces
let's smile

My precious
now I’ll go along with you
and continue this dream while we're awake
then I will be a man freer still

My precious
now I’ll fly together with you
and this journey will be a song
for giving me the love to live

My precious
(I was waiting for you)
now I’ll go along with you
(in my veins it crescendo-ed
an ardent music)
to fetch all the most beautiful dreams
(burning from inside and you held on to me)
for those who must go on
(like an ultimate hope
I could feel it inside me in all of my clothes)

One night you'll feel like a speck of dust.
Smaller
Than
Ever
In
Your giant self.

The day they told me you had resigned,
I went searching for you.
My eyes sharpened to find you
like two new Ticonderoga pencils
on this timed, standardized test of life.
I, your pupil,
felt desperate to fill in the bubbles
on this journey
to fill up my heart again
with answers to questions
I knew only you could
score & tell me were right.
But you never had exams in your courses
I should've known when you left,
that was your way,
your blessing
to write my dissertation
and live my philosophy out, for you,
You had given me love,
you had always seen what I couldn't;
my potential. Who I am, truly.
And that's why, from you,
I learned everything & could feel internal peace
for I learned my purpose
& in my search for you again,
great teacher,
I realized you had never left
and the test had never existed.
I will still always wonder though
where you went.

(c) 2014

She always waits up for you,
your woman
always on,
lit up
like an old-fashioned
Christmas Tree
in a black & white film,
the way the white lights look
even brighter,
she's vintage beautiful.

So
When you turn the corner
of your dead end street
you two live on..
Does she now
how your love
flickers on & off
for her?

My breathing's wrong.
This pattern inside me
isn't my rhythm.
You've got all the control
& I'm programmed to rise & fall
just from a single phrase of yours
and
I wish I could even try
to get this heart to knock on rib doors
build some courage up
to
whisper truths between the
sliver membranes so I can
try & balance out the breathing
and get a grip on reality
cause I'm almost outta that conscious-land
& I don't know
this man
he keeps bringing me to hell & heaven...
then back
with just his text.

(c) 2014

Assumptions the kamikaze
Through my brain
Target . Reality
Perceived as threat
Heaven forbid
You see yourself
Safe Among the clouds for once.

Every ones got a comment
I’m like the moon they need to howl
At ... about how I’m just lost or little or
Incomplete
Like my brightness in the dark
Means I’m outcasted
From some better life or some
Deeper joy
And I all feel is beaming energy
From whatever Serves me best
I’ve always been a different walker
Can’t you see I’m on my own my now?

You tried to get me to remember.
Wrote it down on paper,
stuck it in my purse,
“Save it for later.”
& when you leave
I just breathe
& you prove
you were right again.
I’m always learning on my own.
But Would it really hurt to take me
With you?

I flicker from
one life to the next
like a thin match refusing
the fireplace.

Drown it out
Hold the stop light under water
Tell me where’s the right path
To let go and unravel
I’ve been spinning in these hexagonal patterns
A pantomime of him, but I’m free rangin as I will like a leash I can’t let go of ..

You say, “Stillness is the goal.”
I’d like to know who YOU is
When you’re driving round the block
dodging love,
in her bed,
****** her head..
& still your mind’s like
a gentle stream
& you pretend
like you ain’t mean
But boy, you’re a dancing devil
slashing through a
peaceful field
you thrive off her destruction.

Some smiles are merely
a motion,
skin stretching to
cover
a thought
inflicted wound.

we don't even know the half of the beauty that we are