who would've thought that I'd make it to 22
that my fire never extinguished after all those years of rain
my seven-year-old self would be glad to see she was preserved

who would've thought that the one I dreamed about for six years
now sleeps in my bed at night, and calls me his wife
my 11-year-old-self would never believe it

who would've thought that, somewhere along the line,
I made friends who care for me and I them
my 13-year-old self would be relieved

who would've thought that my heart became soft again
and I learned to let myself cry, and feel
my 15-year-old self might just smile

who would've thought that I made it out of my hometown,
traveled the world on my own, and decided to come back
my 18-year-old self would be astounded

who would've thought that I became a teacher
and I don't fear my calling anymore
my 19-year-old self would laugh in disbelief

who would've thought that, despite all the years of isolation,
dissociation, fear, and heartache, I emerged still me

who would've thought?

not me

15 years later, and we came back
the same creaking door announced our arrival
wood paneling and deer antlers seemed to remember us
the same way we started to remember them
six bunk beds and wooden shelves
where I used to put my radio and listen at night
the same key chains hanging from the light strings
we sat at the same wooden table
and put together that circular puzzle that has never left my mind
we went to the river and ran in bare feet
with the same fear of snakes as we did way back then
we sat 17 around the table and ate supper
and did the dishes with boiling water
we played Dutch blitz and card games
and always took someone else with us to the outhouse
we pumped that same water out of the same red pump
and the water had black flecks like it always used to
we all lined up and jumped off the rock in the same order as always
"my name is Bethany and I'm 22"
we hopped in the truck bed and went deer spotting at night
and remembered why we were scared of bears
and I remembered how much I miss being around my sisters
I slept on the top bunk with my sister
and she didn't stick her legs under my back like she always did
we climbed up to the fire tower
and rubbed leaves on our yellow jacket stings
I wish there was a natural remedy for nostalgia
when we left, they ran to the road to say goodbye
like they always did before
and my heart felt like some of it didn't leave with me
it took 15 years, but I came back

If I didn't value you in your life
Is it worth honoring you in your death?
I didn't care to see you
And now I won't
And I never missed you
But now I will
Why am I so stupid?
They're distressed
So am I
We're all suffering
Except you
Not anymore
You could probably beat all of us in a race right now
I never said goodbye

I still want to be alone
My grandfather is still dead
But now I'm not cold
I went inside

Now my face is hot
And my tears burn my checks
And my blood is boiling
Why did he have to die?

"I wanna be alone"
I whisper to myself
As my voice echos
In this empty space

My breath makes a cloud
And my body shakes
The tears on my face freeze
My grandfather is dead

I haven't written a poem
In 10 months, almost
Which is the same amount of time
We've been dating

And in the past 10 months
I've learned a lot
I learned to show emotions
And to cry

I learned the joy of having a person
To love and to love me
And I also learned the complete and utter pain
Of constant distance

I learned to not fear companionship
Or intimacy
And I realized how much it hurts
To miss those things

So these past 10 months
Grew me
I was handed my greatest dream
And biggest fear

I haven't written a poem
In a very, very long time.