I'm a murderer
I've stabbed my own heart.
I'm a thief
I've stolen my own happiness.
I'm a liar
I've told myself how much better things would be.
I'm a slothful woman
I fell asleep.
I'm greedy
I've eaten my own pain.
I'm hungry
Just not for sin again.

I keep thinking about the peace I am greeted with while my hands are on your stomach
And your arms are under my head
Losing you is a thought I can't stomach
And tonight it'll **** me as I Iay in alone in bed

I fell a lot in life
And with failure comes dread
Sometimes it's hard to get back up
But when I fell for you I was suddenly not dead
But ironically I don't think I'd ever get back up if you left

Outta curiosity they'll ask where you live and I'll always almost slip

And say "that guy lives in my heart"

But who the **** says **** like that?

Besides me in private when I'm with you or me in public after 3 long islands

But ****...its official
The flight attendant commands
We fasten our seat belts
And before I know it the plane lands

Back in New York and it feels like my soul melts

I don't know what to do.

These miles are memories
And now I got memories for miles
But yet I regret not taking like 10 pictures of each of your smiles.

Sometimes I feel a void inside myself,
Emptiness ready to crush me with its nothingness;
And then again I open my eyes—
And the world stares back again.
My frame is a reed, hollow from the inside,
Whole from the outside,
And all I know is that I am matter.

The deafening and resounding silence
Is another matter of concern—
It doesn’t crushes; just makes me devoid
Of all the bliss of Nature’s precious notes;
It is the only sound which surrounds me
In the maddening crowd of the quintessential.

There is the numbness which confounds me:
It has the worst slap of damnation,
Amplifying the teeniest touch,
Pouring life into every cell.
It tosses me amid the tempest in the Ocean,
And leaves me battling the waves alone.

What distances me from my kin?
What is that which I am always seeking?
Life comes and goes, and here I am,
Still at a loss to comprehend the haps.
I just am, will just be; and none would lament
The real me, as it is wrapped in its shadows.

That night they found you
In the park laying in blood
With your hoodie on, almost covering your  face

I saw you at the hospital bed and you looked comfortable even though you were in so much pain

It reminded me of all the times we would take the bus so early, so so early in the brisk mornings

And you'd be so sleepy,  so so sleepy and warm
You were always so warm
With your head inside your hoodie
Looking like a baby
And I'd giggle and give you kisses on your nose
Because I loved your nose the most

And you'd sort or squeeze my thigh and say something about my jeans. How they are too tight or how there are  "waaay too many rips."

And we would sit there silent just occasionally reading each others thoughts like it was nothing, just reading the way you'd read an ad on the bus

And I knew you were too good to be true
Because I felt like I was always dreaming around you

And I didn't think someone would make you go, make you leave me like this

And I didn't think the best memories of you would come so suddenly, in waves just to flood my whole body with this bad aching, such bad aching that felt like it was stealing years from my life...

And I really wanted it to, really really wanted it to.

Every so often I wake up on top of my own blood
It seeps into the bed sheets where I usually count sheep
It causes a mess
But it comforts me

Because every so often I'm reminded that I am a woman and I have a woman's touch
I'm gentle but fierce
And blood, I've seen so much


Blood is the reason for a motherly touch on a child's scraped knees
A bandage infused with love engrained into the very fibers so deep

And Every so often someone's fingers touch and a bond is formed when one drop of blood kisses the other

And even when a baby leaves it's mother

It it covered in the sweetest pink tint of blood

The ones who should be forgotten are those who let you shift away from their memories like tectonic  plates in the earth

are those whom never placed you in their hearts, not even a single place even though the chambers are boundless and love is known to drop fast.

Face it, you weren't rooted in their cores
and when you floated into space, their gravitational pull wasn't strong enough...
because they didn't even try to pull you back.

It didn't matter how funny you were. How original your thoughts could have been.

They didn't know you were so out of your element because they didn't know your element.  

They lost sight of your ghost thinking it was all of you.

You're lost forever now and like a body lost at sea, they will never cross the bay.

They wouldn't even think about making a time machine
your existence was bound to be forgotten anyway

The only thing natural about your friendship was the disaster

You were the scarce soil that was only good that one time, the empty battlefield where blood shed was covered by the wrong victories.

-Sindi

He takes a drink when nothing's going well
He forgot we had a good thing, no one could ever sell

Empty out the bottle baby
Ill be home, let me be comfort....maybe?

I lost his number
He still has mine, but he's busy
trying to become number

I buried my feelings in him.
He just
wants to be in her
And she can only
sometimes let him
            In

So I finally understand how the bottle could win

I finally understand dysfunction, the glory of all sin


And I am utterly familier

With pain,

In the tide of its reign  

Sindi