Time goes by
Days turn to weeks
I just keep making the same mistakes.

thankful for each time you kissed me,
     and tried to mend my open wounds.
thankful for the pain you gave me,
     I know its for my own good.
thankful for the scars you caused me,
     continuing to show me that I will overcome.
But most of all.
thankful for the day you left me,
     so I can be whole again.

We have *** everyday. But that's for me.
not you.
There's a reason I close my eyes when I kiss you.
You're the filler-friend. I do not love you.
I don't need your advice, I don't need your lectures.
I need you to do what you're here for, then leave.
Simple as that.
Good Riddance.

I remember you wore that shirt when we would stay in long nights together.
It made me feel so safe, seeing you decorated in those perfectly stitched designs.
In your sleeves you would wrap me and tell me everything would be fine next time.
Your collar was a burying ground for my secrets. But now it's just a target for my tears.  
That shirt reminds me of when you spoke to me softly as my panic attacks turned to night terrors and I was terrified to shut my own eyes.
I remember when I put on that shirt.
With the red collar.
You begged me to get into bed with you.

You clothed my fears with the cotton nooses of your wardrobe.
I thought I cut them off and destroyed the straight jackets in your closet
They could never hold me down again.

You're wearing that T-shirt.
Without me.
but Somehow,
I still can't breathe.

I come to you every night to forget about the night before.
Convince myself that you'll be different this time, better this time.
Still, I hear myself being ignored,
See myself being overlooked,
Feel myself being pushed out,
We're really just *******.

So Please
stop with the "I love you" 's
do not hold me while I sleep,
do not look at me when I see you outside your bedroom,
and do not kiss me in public.
Let me go a day without your alcoholism on my mind.
      Let me be free from this bind you hold me in so tight.

I get high and I don't think of you.
          ****** out of mind,               and somehow you're not on mine
  What do I do when all my reality is hazey and you're finally gone?
Soon you'll appear out from behind the fog in my eyes.
                               And haunt me.

You deserve the kind of love that drives your crazy
You deserve the kind of love that maks you sick
you deserve the kind of love that makes me cry whenever I see you with another woman
The love that makes you happy.
The love that makes you whole.
the love I could have given you.
                       If the time were right.

I sleep,
almost every night.
Most nights I'm too scared to shut my eyes.
You're in every one of my dreams---well,
nightmares.
I just can't seem to shake the thought of you.
of you and I.
But something always happens, the dreams end the same way.

I wake up afraid that you might actually be here.

None of my words will bring you back,
No amount of tears will make you see the pain you put me through.

You are not allowed to hurt me.
You may not  be in charge of my life.
    It's not my fault she broke you
    It's not my fault you fight
    It's not my fault that you can't control your own life.

But the truth is, I've grown so accustomed to seeing your face, holding your hands, kissing your lips, sleeping in your bed, that I don't think I can go without you for one more day.

Being in a relationship was like doing a puzzle.
Always trying to complete it to view the beautiful picture we had to offer.
Our sides somehow fit together like they had been perfectly constructed for exact placement.
The four seasons cornered each end of our picture and changed everything around us, but never the potential of a great portrait.
Center pieces showed the shades of ourselves we so desperately searched for in the color scheme.
Our many shapes pieced what we needed to do in order to see the final product.
The love we once shard held the pieces of us together and revealed the picture of all we could become if we just prevented the puzzle from getting boring.
Discovering where each piece belonged was you struggling to read my mind, and knowing when not to.
I never imagined our final picture; that took such determination and careful execution would never been seen.

In the cracks of our piece of art lied the fears and guilts that grew thicker and made our pieces dull.  
Before our picture could turn dark by the cracks and disappear into the black I knocked out puzzle to the ground and put away the table that once so generously held us up.

But puzzles aren't fun by yourself.
Lately, as I scatter to clean up the pieces of our once adored scenery, I see yours are missing.
And my edges don't seem to fit correctly.

I'm so in love with the boy who hit me
The man who stole my heart
I know he's toxic, he's poison, he's deadly
I can't stop the fighting, the wanting, the loving
The awful, murderous love within

I googled how to feel and I wish it told me something new.
I’m always thinking of you. When I can’t sleep at night.
I’ll put up any fight. Just to watch myself lose.
I’m decoding all the cues. From you.
Blinded by the shadow of regret.
Your love is the weakest bet.
I can’t wait to lose.

I wish you all the best, but I want all your best.
I want you to finally be happy and be in a good place, just as long as that place is inside my house.
I can’t promise that I’ll ever be happy for you, because I want to love you at your happiest.
I crave you at your most productive.
most passionate.
least insecure.

I want the best you,
and I still can’t understand why you couldn’t be him for me.

completely incapable of holding any and all functioning relationships