I’m trying to express how I feel like I did as a child,
Through crayons and pencils
Pressed into paper until they break in two.
How can I feel so hopeless
Doing something I used to love to do?
Like I did as a child
I make myself small and cry in my closet
That painful sobbing that hurts your throat
And convince myself yet again to give up.

You make me want to fall in a field and cry.
Why do you only tell me lies?
The person you show the world is like a drawing
you can see it from the other side of the page.
But you never share the real thing,
you keep everyone at a distance.
But what is the reason?
Self preservation?
Protection from losing and breaking and falling apart?
But you know that doesn't make pain go away
instead you create a world where you are the cause of your own destruction.

I don't want to get rid of all the things you gave me.
I'm afraid if I burn the photographs and letters
the memories will get destroyed too.
I'm too attached to my past
constantly dreaming about how I can get it back.
I haven't moved on and I don't think I can.
That's why I need to wipe the slate clean,
burn your memory from my brain.
Maybe the dreams of you will finally subside
and I can restart my life.
Right now I am stuck holding onto an idealized version of you.

Here I stand,
with match in hand.
Your words drip over me like gasoline.
I promise you I will be clean.
I strike the match to cleanse my soul.
You watch me burn,
your heart is cold.

I built us a house in my mind
Imagine us sitting by the fire and looking into each others eyes
Like a cheesy romantic scene from a 50s movie
I swoon over you and let you consume my whole world
But life is not a romantic comedy
And the fairytale ending I created for us shattered
When you told me you didn't love me like that
Anymore

I'm on my knees
Trying to pick up the pieces and I cut my hands but I still try and put us back together

A screen hums
And I turn to see it playing back all the times you made me smile
And of us laying down on a dock, listening to a song that reminded me of you, and staring at the stars deciding which one we would call ours
And of me listening to your heart beating as you slept and feeling like I could never love anyone like I loved you again.

The hardest part of getting over you is the remembering
I want to remember the bad things
Like the first time you made me cry
I want to remember why I left you in the first place
And why didn't you try to fight for us

And I sat there and squeezed my head with my hands and screamed
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME? WHY CAN'T I FORGET YOU? WHY DO I STILL LOVE YOU?"
As you turn to you leave
I catch a glimpse of your face
It was as if a switch turned off in your head, it was soulless
I feel a tug at my neck as you walk away with a rope in your hand
Oblivious to where that rope ends.

You live in the city we both fell in love with
And you are onto better things
We both moved away from the hometown we fell in love in
We both moved away to ease the pain of living without each other
And living without the hurt that always followed us

I always imagined us moving there together
Walking through the city at night
Your eyes sparkle in city lights
We could have sat in coffee shops
Or on park benches
We could have written beautiful things
But you said lets leave us in the past
And I am stuck in it...