when will the past.

be let back into the wild.


and i can finally roam.

the edges of the forest.


without fear.

of being dragged back in.


to be.

torn to shreds.




(the past is too strong).

i am good enough

despite never been told

i have always been

good

enough

the colour pink,
i become.

when your magnificent hands,
turn me into mush.

(after explosions).

sadness is the emotion
i am most comfortable with

i know sadness well
and it fits nicely
in all of the
little pockets
of my skeleton

swimming within
my vessels
blood churning sadness
throughout my body

droplets fall from
green eyes
the gates flooded
with liquid feelings
tears meet mascara

i sit, stand, love,
work, sleep, write
all
with
sadness

in every nook
my shadow
even in the night time

sadness,
i know you
so
well

"when
I look into your eyes
and SEE you...
it's like the echo of all
the memories
we're yet to make
come rushing at me,
and hits me right in the heart x"

love songs
make
sense
to me now.

because
of you,
my sweetness.

like a meteor,
i crashed.
core shaken.
a sparkle in your eyes,
you came for me.
the gravitational force,
of soul mates,
pulled together like magnets.
one with blurry vision,
the other with a risk to take.
eventually my eyes cleared,
i felt the pull of your atmosphere,
allowed it to consume me wholly.
we had become captivated.
exploding stars,
death birthed new life.

Us.

this planet repopulated.
the Earth flourishes,
gardens in bloom,
forests with green growth,
deserts showered with long awaited rain.

Us.

our universe,
with a big bang,
comes to life.

You
&
I.

my dreams forgotten
the moment my eyes open

frightening sleep induced
realities
my mind keeps secret
to protect
my abused brain
from more horror
and monsters

when i have remembered
they are carved into
my body
i numb to the memory
it is too damaging
to my brittle soul
to hold onto what my mind
has circling beneath
my consciousness

daydreaming is a favourite past time of mine
i swim in the fantasies of a life
i would bury my full attention
into
to at least, in one place in this world,
though not real,
i could be, just once,
someone other than what i was

a mutilated, defective
little blonde haired human
in a home
where maniacs mocked and violated
the innocence i only possessed
for the first few years of my life
oppressed and beaten
to a point where i was
swollen and blemished
where i didn't even know
who i was
only a victim of hatred
and abuse carried from
generation to generation

I MADE IT STOP.

I ended the cycle.

I screamed until I was blue
and made the world that is
domestic violence
halt in its tracks
and told it no.
never. again.
will you harm another
little human.
will you harm,
an adult who was still
in the quick sand
of abuse.

i got out.
(at 24).
i set myself free.

jagged pieces
that are mine now,
not theirs,
put back together
into the puzzle i was
before i emerged
into what became my existence.
my innocence stolen
but not forgotten
i reclaimed fresh air
again,
let it
give new life
into my lungs.

breathing out the black tar
of neglect

breathing out the
white picket fence,
the red brick one storey,
a facade, the mask needed, to
which gave way to allow
my father to hurl everything
he could our way,
so we could burden
his own deep, harrowing pain,
where he was beaten with a belt by his father,
and controlled mercilessly by his mother.
he gave onto me.
us.
our little family.
completely broken.
it could never be repaired.
ever.
we. are. separate.
and we. are. broken.
apart.
for good.
for now and for later.
and it’s all your fault.

i miss what we had
even though
our time
was short

i miss your face
and how much
i liked it

i miss your voice
i could listen to you forever

i miss the way
you didn't judge me
for my truth and my past

i miss your
vulnerability
something you didn't
share with others

i miss the idea
that we might've
been something

you probably don't
miss me
or wonder where i am

my heart isn't that cold
i still think of you

if you had let me
i think i would've
fallen hard and fast

i don't miss
how you said goodbye
through a text

i don't miss
how you said we would speak
and we never did

i don't miss that you ignored
me
and rejected me

i don't miss that you and i
are actually nothing alike
despite at the time how much i
thought we were

because unlike you
i don't walk away from
the lovely
and the promising

i stay until if it'll
ever end

you took that from me

and i don't miss that at all

just put your head under
she said
slowly let yourself
sink
into the stillness
no waves
only stillness

water
sitting nicely at your neck
covering your naked body
the last place you
will lay to rest

stare at the wall
your mind whirling
thousands of thoughts
yet only one is full
of colour and attention

just put your head under
she said
make your way into
the clear ocean
that is your bath
the host
to your last bed

may you slip
and let the water
fill you up
take over your small body
gradually overpowering
your will
to breathe
your breath the last
evidence
that you are still alive

your body is
your anchor
the water accepting
you as if you were always
linked to it
a chain
connecting

this last chain breaks
snaps at this weakness
you are feeling
all over
you gasp
but only to allow
the bath
to entrap you
within its walls
envelop you
and seal you in

just put your head under
she said
let the suffering sink into blackness
gobble you whole
like a monster from your dreams

you vanish without a trace

all you wanted was to feel loved
for exactly as you are
and yet even for this world
this was too much to ask for

the mountain on which i perch from
stains the horizon like a coffee mark on crisp linen
i'm like a shelf collecting dust
musty books line my weathered surfaces
knowledge spilled across yellowed pages
age contributes to my value

wrinkles on pages

i don't know what to say
i'm actually putting this in here
clutching at straws
tossing errant thoughts on paper
like a two year old gratifying a fresh painted wall
all the things i want to say, i wish i could articulate

in one word

like a boat on troublesome water
waves crashing
i surrender myself, let the tide pull me in
let me lay with seaweed and bedrocks
heart strings be my anchor in the deepest seas
and the serenity of the beach of your thighs

be my respite

star glitter crackling on kindling winds
campfires cast faces in the midnight still
moonlit lovers sparks passions ablaze
skin on skin warmth out-burns the sun
burnt marshmallows like black holes
cool, charred and bitter

no longer sweet

the word i identify
with the most
is
loss.

like a seed, 'loss' is planted into the earth
and will soon
be flowers.

x

the second word i identify
with the most
is
growth.

like a tree, tall and strong
'growth' will stand for 100 years
longer than ill ever be alive

but will adventure with me
until i die.

you are a rose.

with both thorns and soft, red petals.

you are blooming.

My emotions don't drip.
They are instead, a waterfall.

Every,
single,
time.

Cascading down onto me.
The weight of it all,
is so heavy.


Yet the next day,
I arise
and
do it all over
again.

i do not wish to

soak
      bathe
swim
immerse
            linger

in

your scent.


for it is a reminder that you are not mine.

when you are done,
you leave me behind.

your scent,
in the place I sleep.


your scent,
                                               suffocating me.

a reminder that we,
play for no keeps,
just our scents,
smothered in sheets.