I feel so confident
behind these facades
but in front of you
I'm just a puddle under your feet

I have a problem
I can't concentrate
or smile your way

my self esteem is terribly low
and the time is escaping me
I'm losing all control

but

even so, you try to gather me up
strong embrace
and I'm shaking
begging
I need space

in the pitch black
I'm back to cursing my name
I'm
just
a
disgrace..
hopeless..
worthless..
weak..
timid soul

at 3am
the light will distort your vision
I just want you to know
I wont ever let anyone in
cuz I cant accept myself
for who I really am

I know under the bright sun
friends in tow
glances back and forth
i look crystal clear
you have me figured me out
don't you?

you're wrong
I am crystal clear
but
what you don't see
is the miniscule cracks lining my skin
you don't see the terror
inside of me
slipping through

I want you to know now
before
its too late
cuz I am me
and I'm cracking
you don't want to love
someone
like
me

They forgot I have a soul
They got lost in there mean words and judgmental stares
Beneath my skin

I am me
I have thoughts and tragedies
Why can't they see?

My greatest fear is not of those who are living
there words
there stares
there actions
there thoughts
will never scare me as much as you
i don't know how your voice sounds
i don't know how your hand feels in mine
I don't know what you think of me
and that's the scariest of them all
will you want me when we meet again

Her jade irises were so limited
you watched them
memorized  the way they sparkled in the light
you knew back than you would have to catch them
before
they
disappear

but you let them disappear

it never occurred to you
that all
your dry remarks
were simply unjust
in the end you had it all wrong

most of the time
I'm not aware
where you are
or how you feel
and this should be a good thing

I know you told me to leave
and I know when I put up a fight
gripped you tight
you got mad

so I am in the right
I need to leave you be
I also need to be strong
importantly I need to move on

yet the darkness I succumb to late at night
is like a calendar
reminding me
its been so many hours, days, weeks, and months
since I last touched your face

and oh
I crave your touch
your husky voice
in my ear
saying
'i've got you'

now I have to find another
to catch me
whisper 'you're safe'

after 14 years
I've never given you up
I need to
move on
I must

if they knew
they'd taunt
say 'what is wrong with you'

I cant
I've tried

hes stuck in my head
the pain- never ending
the questions- building
I'm never going to escape

so ask me who I am
maybe I should tell you, finally

whether he and I knew one other for a full life  or a day
we always will be inseparable

I am my father's daughter

Do you think I'm smart
I carry a pen and novel around
but do you really trust me
Do you think I'm pretty
luscious blond locks of hair curl around my face
but do you really believe what you see
Do you think I'm nice
I don't hesitate to give you my notes
but do you really understand why

when did I let normal become
fake smiles
oversized sweaters
sunglasses to hide my eyes

I've become an actress
the kind who can't distinguish
where the stage ends
and the real world begins

how do I unmask the pain
shed all these layers
laugh genuinely
become just me again

This September
don't wait for my voice
don't watch for my smile
don't anticipate my touch

I'm silent once again

I know you don't understand
but
I don't even have the answers myself

silence is a huge part of me
a shadow, ready to take over

I know you get frustrated
but
save your anger

my silence doesn't need to affect you

... I'm sorry if it does

I don't need to mean anything, especially not to someone special like you.

you're so many miles away
and all I can think about is
how
by this time next year
some other girl will be your muse

I don't want to give up my title
but
our words linger, far away
and our touches
are a distant dream

I don't want to miss you
because then I have to admit
you've made me feel
something I can't even comprehend

but this is the year
we are free
and we both chose different realities
so far away

No one will be mine
and I'm no ones
I like it like that, I do

Once you let someone be yours
all they do in the end
is make demands of you

So I'll be my own

Did you know you can suffer for years and never realize?
You're sitting on the cobblestone sidewalk when it hits you
the impact of a flying tennis ball as it hits the racket
the tires scraping across the rocky driveway
but this
it burns, pains, scrapes all in one
the tears come so mellow at first
and suddenly the snap of fingers
the tears wreck you
you can't breathe
to make it worse the monster comes
rage
How could you ever believe everything was ok
All you have left is endless questions
most importantly
why now?

my hand is shaking
and its a struggle to write what I need to say
my eyes are begging, make it stop
and the tears falling
are the examples of why
I need these tremors to go away

I'm watching this way and that
sounds and voices pass
its a struggle not to scream
the cool touch of the wall
is nor a comfort or a pain
I need something
make me feel whole again

they're talking about me this time
its a struggle to focus on one thing
sitting up
I'm wishing I was down again
the floor and the walls passing by
all are just a reminder
I messed up again


when am I gonna find the glue,
disappear,
or make it through?

maybe you can't handle the tidal waves after all
even in the darkest depths of my despair
your feet don't stay grounded
and that's all i ever needed

He's confined to a chair
his legs curve inward
his speech is a bit slow
and most of all- he is moody

He doesn't want me
he tells me so
when I try to hug him

He loves me though
I know in the silence of the night
we sit together
and I know his eyes search mine

He loves me
because he is always searching for a reason
why he shouldn't

but I can't change a thing
*I'm in love with him

I can not stand up and cheer
it's your victory
but I can not show I care
in fact, I can not show my face

because

under the stars
twisting the grass through our fingers, our hands met
when we heard the crickets singing to their friends, our eyes met
and that night, my heart met yours

and since that time
the green grass
and the calls of the crickets
remind me

your heart pushed mine aside
when you called me only a 'friend'

so I can not stand tall
show my face, let you see me blush
I can only support you from afar
I'm only a friend

I'm trying to control the screams
but I'm covering my eyes
I'm trying to keep the tears at bay
but I'm scratching my cheeks
I'm trying to hear you're whispers
but I'm reaching the wrong way

I can't function

you're so close
but I'm so far away

I've reached the end
and I have two options

I can turn around and find a new path
which requires risk and courage
and once I find a new path
how do I know
I won't fall

I'm tired
and I hear all the voices
saying 'I can't make it through this'
my head has been pounding
so really, why should I turn around

The second option is to jump
I see the waves
the endless blue.
it terrifies me,
the tug of ocean pulling my body,
but ,
it's an outcome,
and I won't suffer for much longer.

what should I do?

loving you was
like diving into the waves of the abyss
and grasping nothing
yet still expecting to be pulled ashore

and your touch
felt like whip-cream
so soft and gentle
but it was deceiving because your touch was the end of the can, the moment the whip-cream ran out
and I was left with nothing

and I thought I was brave
stood tall, like I didn't need the support of a chair
to reach the top of the tree
but I was wrong

I was brave
like the kind of brave that it took for the cat
to hide under the covers when the vacuum buzzed around the carpet

and we all want to believe that is brave-
but in reality- I was the opposite-
just so cowardly

I dived out to shore
expecting the buoy of love
to guide me to a strong gentleman like you
but instead all I got was a lung full of saltwater
and eyes that just won't stop crying

He uses a paintbrush
She uses a pen
He styles with color
She styles with her name
Both so alike, yet so different

He stands tall
She is weak at the knees
He shows his work with a proud smile
She hides her work with tears running down her cheeks

By the end of the day projects are done
Hands are tired
minds are numb
One awaits a new day
the other wishes for the end to come

On the day his eyes sealed shut
A paradise
fell
golden embers rose
rich carpet was destroyed to smithereens
glass shards ricocheted
flames were all they could see
until
morning dew sprinkled the grass
stars hid in there beds
silence brought havoc to their minds
Reality seeped in
he would never be seen again

I'm not sure of much
But I do know a penny rusts
Hands grip
Pockets hug
Water rinses
Years surpass
And maybe a penny is just like us
Our hands grip so tight till our touch is not enough
Hips to hips were lost
rain drenches us, feelings wash away
Years pass and maybe just maybe we were never worth enough

At the edge
I was too close
now when I see the endless fall
I close my eyes
and strain to breathe

On the packed street
I was all alone
now when people surround me
I shake
and strain to breathe

In the car , sitting behind the wheel
the world started to spin- I had to switch seats
now when I try to drive
the tears drip
and I strain to breathe

Locked in my room
I wonder
why I try to breathe at all
when thoughts- dark and deep
persuade me

*I'm worth nothing at all

phantom ghosts
trail skin
tears fall
blackness seeps in
he wonders how to prolong this fun
she wonders how she'll ever move on

I should have never believed you
when you said 'everything was going to be okay'

I'm watching them bury you six feet deep
and all I can think about
is how we can meet again

I know if you were here
you'd hold my arm down
and whisper in my ear
'don't shed a tear, you'll survive'

but you're not here
and no ones left to pin me down
it's me and my brain
and everything is a sign
telling me-
'you're better off dead'

Please don't be afraid to tell me
capture my foggy gaze
but don't worry about the haze in front of my eyes
they put it there
think of it as a blanket
covering the warmth inside

but wait
don't think of me worth
for every time they ignored my calls
I cried
let them sink into my pores
ravage everything inside
I lost

please don't be afraid to tell me what you see
I know your words are gentle, and free
I wish if only mine could
impair the cell bars
restraining everything I wish
tear the silence
and let me
for once be
happy
but I know just no

please don't be afraid to approach me
shake my shoulders or
brush past
because you rise above us all
conquer everything
I know I would never last

please don't be afraid
I'm worth a speckle of sand
in an endless earth miles long, miles high
I'm nothing
don't you understand

what more to the world is there then tear stained cheeks and crumpled papers with words no one dares to speak?

The poet inside of me,
wants to believe,
he could love me.

For when he whispered in my ear,
I couldn't dare stop the tug of my lips.

But, I had to remind myself
he's just a friend.

I may think, write, explore
yet, love for me
is nothing my pen or paper,
can create.

I like to write
Bottling up your emotions
is like holding poison in your throat
you can only hold on for so long
till
the liquid passes
you lose control
Do you ever wonder what the emotions you store inside do?
Are they tearing flesh to flesh
or are they cleaning every ounce of your regret
I bet if you swallow poison you'll finally get
why I let you read the things I write

he wonders why she doesn't talk anymore
he doesn't understand

she wonders how he could be so oblivious
she doesn't understand how no one can see the pain

he wishes she would just say one word
he wants her to be okay

she wishes she never said anything at all
she just wants to be invisible

he waits
she waits

in the end its the teardrops and shaky hands
they say it all
and he realizes he couldn't be more invisible
and she realizes she couldn't be more in the spotlight

and that's why they say they were meant to be

i try to be what you want
no more wasting time
oh i have to study, study, study
but i sit
and all that happens
are the screws in my head grate together
eventually slipping from there locked position
they fall
as do my restraints
all i do is think
honey bees and summer smiles
my bed wrapped in my comforter
only if that was all my life granted me

instead I'm stuck wasting time
writing poetry
instead of writing essays
which will decide where I deserve to be

there's something special about the sound of rain
slapping the concrete
sliding down the glass windows

each and every drop
comes to an end
nestled in the stems of grass
or snuggled beside a rough rock
their journey
thru the ups and downs
come together

and what more could be beautiful
then finding the end
not alone

why should I give you everything
my hate
my love
my respect
you should know I won't ever forget
your lies
your mistakes
your hurt
if only you knew the emotional drain you've put me through

I wanted someone I could see when the darkness swooped in
If a single drop of worry so threatened to barge in
they are
beside me
Ready to conquer anything

What I had was not the same
I sat in hard chairs waiting for answers
Not from friends or lovers
Just doctors who seemed to have all the knowledge
I trusted them, that I did

I just wanted someone as innocent as I
beside me
ready to hold my hand

This whole time I was moving mountains
just so you could smile my way
when you should have done the same for me

This whole time I was painting you in gold
just so everyone would know how special you are
when you should have done the same for me

This whole time I've been planning
just so we both could be happy
and I've failed to see- you're not doing the same

cold bed sheets
late night-dark room
dial tone of your cellphone
it's so clear-

this is the real you
I should have known

they told her all along she was safe
soft touches to her back
as everything spun they held her secure
when the laughter bubbled out of her reach
they smiled, eyes set on her

now her back lies on cold concrete
everything still spinning
her voice could break thru the walls, call them in
but something whispered to her
told her she always be void

and she thinks
she doesn't feel safe
maybe she really never was

they cant see her thoughts, hear her confusion
and she can't  (theirs)
shes like a leaf, not ready to fall
isolated from the rest
and she doesn't want this

no, she wants
her thoughts and theirs to be free
words
simple and clear
something to know she's not *alone

why do we try so hard to please
we always turn the corner
& no one is trying to please us

why do we hope so much
we always wake up
& no dream ever greets us

why do we always say I love you
we always long to hear it
& we never do

we always give, we always hope, we always long, we always speak
but that's just it- we never receive

Why do you waste your energy?
You present that radiant smile.
hug me like
our touch will stop,
the desperate pleas of those in need.
Why?

I need for you to see the truth

think of me like a robber
entering your holy presence
I'm faking,
rounding up your feelings
stowing them away,
and you still think
I'm benefiting

I'm not
and in the dead of night
dressed all in black
the brightest thing about me
is the smirk
escaping my lips

I take your feelings and sell them
use the pleasure I gain as an escape
from the numbness
tearing my soul to shreds

i was crying for one thing
but then the tears wouldn't stop
i was crying for everything around me
and how I could not do a thing, but watch

she asks me how I am doing
but i cant tell her the truth
in those minutes the tears won't show
only a numb smile
with eyes to match

you build me up
meticulously,
stone by stone
you convince me I'm your support,
and I believe you
resolutely,
each layer you take away from me
I believe you love me

so why am I now scattered stones lying across the hardwood floor
watching you build someone else up
lovingly,
brick by brick
telling them, they're the foundation you'll always need
as if you knew from the start, I was never going to be enough

what do I do
I've walked thousands of miles
tore my flesh on the rubble
followed the path

climbed to the highest peak
watched the world flow
now I'm at the drop

it's tonight- or never
and I realize
I was never your first choice

You put me second
the same way
I put myself last

and now
my eyes are blurry
and I'm reaching
searching

but I am no ones first
I'm stuck in a dark abyss
I lost my chance to be safe
the second is always a waste

what they don't see:
your hand entwined with mine,
how alive I am by your side

what they don't hear:
your deep voice, telling me
how strong I really am

what they don't realize:
they've been dreaming
of me, alone and lonely

but I'm the opposite
I've got you,
my secret warrior,
supplying me endorphins
loving me- better than they ever can

we're the victors
of this broken land,
secret warrior and I

My voice stopped working
My stomach was in knots
My mind was unsure
Should I breathe or should I die?
The doctors talked to me
They thought there words would change my mind
They had me draw and color
I just wasted there time
You were gone, I never could move on

whisper your sweet words
so no one can hear them, but us

hide your gentle touches
so no one can yearn to feel them, but us

....because I'm selfish,
I only want you to myself

I can't breathe
they're giving me oxygen

my eyes are heavy
they're softly reassuring me

I saw the sun
they told me it'd be the last light I'd see

today
I have your arms around me
your heart beating beside mine
I see more than light

I see a calm
I'd never thought I'd have again