I took a drag of a rolled, unlit, cigarette.
You have no idea how truly pleasing it was.
That cigarette had her lipstick on it.
It was like kissing her all over again.

I lit that rolled up, lipstick stained, cigarette, just to feel like she was here with me again.

The smoke had burned my eyes and scratched at my throat.
I tried to breathe but I started to choke, suffocating on the last of my free will.

For a minute, it felt like I wasn't going to survive.

I took deep breathes and remembered it was her love I never wanted to forget, so I smoked the rest of that rolled up, lipstick stained, cigarette, but by the end of it, I was dead.

Take me back to June 12th, the day we first hung out together, drinking beers and ***** shots, singing karaoke to Green Day, Michael Jackson and the out of place Lady Gaga at our favorite bar called Villains.

Take me back to all those days we'd hang out at Milk Coffee Bar and laugh at horrible things like the Columbine Shootings or the 9/11 attacks and *** smokes off our mutual friend Jean; drinking beers and listening to horrible local indie bands play their horrible, airplane sound/ white noise, indie music.

Take me back to "the perfect 90's couple".

Take me back to the first time I kissed you by accident, causing the caterpillars in my stomach to induce metamorphosis, letting the butterflies to spread their wings for the first time.

Take me back to the first time we slept together, with no ***. You caressing my back, me slipping into a peaceful slumber to the sound of your heart beating, a sound I've never heard before.

Take me back to July 10th, the day we told each other we liked the other and I talked you into asking me out.

Take me back to the time you said I was worth it.

Take me back to the nights we'd stay up till 4 in the morning talking about nothing in particular or talking about everything and anything that came into our heads.

Take me back to the day we were on my front porch and I said "I love you, you're funny" and you replied "I love you too".

Take me back to the first time we had ***, making love, and you made fun of my blushing and called it cute.

Take me back to your birthday party I can barely remember because I drank so much and you ended up taking care of me and checking my pulse to make sure I was okay.

Take me back to our first official date at Bubi's where I dressed up for you for the first time and was so nervous I could've ****** myself.

Take me back to the talks we would have about moving in together, or when I was sad that you didn't want kids and I did so you said "I might hate children but I would consider having children with you".

Take me back to the Loop where I showed you I could be stupid and dance like a fool.

Take me back to the Cards Against Humanity game where I showed you I can be a bad *** girl and make you laugh at my dumbassery.

Take me back to Korey's end off summer party where I got to watch you fail at the NHL game and record your cute silliness  when you actually scored.

Take me back to when we started to drift apart because you had to go back to University to start the semester, where I should've suggested staying over for weekends even if you had to study.

Take me back to when I got depressed and said "I have no reason to live" and made you think you weren't good enough for me to stay, even though that was far from the truth. You were my only reason.

Take me back to when you needed some space and time to think.

Don't take me back to when you broke up with me.

Take me back to when you wanted to give it another shot.

But don't take me back to when you decided to break up with me again.

**It's been years since then, and all I can say is that, I loved you. I'm glad we could've dated, cause you showed me what love was, even though we didn't last, and for that I am grateful. Thank you, Nektarios.

Take away my pain and leave me in a state of pure ecstasy. Make numb or make me ***, I'll vibrate to the enticements. I'll learn from these exuberant dispensations and try to configure our despicable conversations and discover the inequities of our relations.

Do you ever hate not talking to people that you're close to for a while? And by a while I mean days and weeks on end? Does it **** you from the inside? Not only in the heart, but in the lungs too, making it hard to breath? Never knowing if they'll decide never to speak to you again? You could be on good terms, or bad terms, but you still feel that fear that they'll make that sudden decision or sudden thought to never say hello again or hate you forever. "Maybe I said something hurtful", you'd start to think. You'll re-read your conversation just to check. You'll send several messages but your mind still won't be eased. At least not until they message you back.

Romantically tragic,
I am your Opheliac,
So emotionally pelagic,
My obsession is magic,
For I'm beautifully a maniac.

Madness is a virtue,
So I constantly panic,
You know it's true,
This depression is manic,
But it's all for you.

In love, I'm insane,
It's unbearably nostalgic,
My eyes red from rain,
Pathologically neurologic.
It's a disease in my brain,

And you know what, I love it!

My arms are wet and sticky and my eyes feel heavy and dull.
Darkness is around me, and now I can't feel nothing at all.
I can hear myself breathing and now I'm slowly falling asleep.    
I've fallen in the abyss, and now I'm nearly six foot deep....

This is not a poem.....
I'm not going to talk to you about some girl or some boy who broke my heart. I'm not going to talk to you about the effects of falling in love or the downward spiral that connects depression and mental illnesses. No.

Cause this is not a poem.
This is not a poem because it lacks lucid emotion like a sociopathic lover, who just wants you for ***. This has no meaning.        

This is not a poem because poems are weak and for the ill of mind, the people that need a release before relapse FOR **** SAKES.....

This is not a poem because God ****** if it was, you wouldn't want to read it.

Oh beautiful sorrow, drown my ungrateful tears in a passionate fire of blissful agony.
And watch as this angel falls from heaven to earths cold embrace.
Watch as she takes Lucifer's warm hand, and ends the world in an apocalyptic glory.
And watch as she slowly dies in this winter that is as nuclear as war.

Have you ever felt undoubtedly in love?  I mean the kind of love you never have to question, you just know. You see their flaws but you can look past them. Maybe they drink and do drugs or have a horrendous history and even though you don't like it or you want to change it, you can't help but love them anyway. No matter what you'll love them unconditionally even if they don't love you back, have you ever felt that?

The light will show who I truly am,
I fear what I may see,
Why should I fear the darkness,
When I should fear the real me....!

Depression: To me it's like you're falling deeper into the darkest depths of the ocean. Where all the mysterious creatures and monsters lurk around you, including the ones that have yet to be discovered. Your vision is blurred, you can't breath, and you're positive you won't come out alive.

Your memory is like a cigarette.

I lit the flame; got it burning with passion.

The smoke blurred my eyes.

All I can see is a grey foggy haze.

You were so beautiful through the light.

It burned and burned straight down to the filter.

But little did I know you weren't so beautiful past those days; and just like a cigarette, I was left unsatisfied.

S'agapo agapi mou!

You're insignificant.
You're nothing but a bad story.
You're nothing but a snowflake lost in the unique irrelevance of existence.
We're all the same.
Its time you learned to deal with it.

I fall asleep in desolation with wolves watching over me. Their eyes gazing upon my emotionless face. I sleep in peaceful terror as dreams of falling nightmares gleam with an uncertain radiance in my wayward minds subconscious. Outside, winter breathes out my name as the wind is crashing against my window. The wolves howl at the moon that is glistening upon the lake. Whispers to the sound of the water gently freezing over.

What is the point?
What is the ******* point of letting your emotions run your life when you're not even sure if he even cares?
No.....!
Tell me!
I'm all ******* ears!

Tell me what is the point of smiling when I wake up next to him in the morning and he smiles back at me, if at night, when we go to sleep he wont even think of me twice?

WHAT THE **** IS THE POINT?!  

Why should I be so stupid to let him tell me he loves me when I can't be 100% sure it's true?

Why did I have to fall in love with a sociopath?

WHY.....?!

i.
He’s online. You haven't talked in what feels like forever but has only been a few days. You realize you've said something horrible and you can never take it back. You just want to reside back to his arms once again like before. Kiss his soft lips and the tip of his nose. Hold hands and blush at the innocence of it without his knowledge. Take a long walk and stop at the river to smoke cigarettes and watch the stars by the waterfront. Laugh and joke about the things the majority would say is “wrong”. But you can’t, he needs his space, he needs time to readjust. You’re scared. Scared he’ll never talk to you again. You took him for granted and you know that now. But you can’t fix it until they message you a “Hey”.
ii.
Then your life starts to fall apart. You can’t go back to school because you’re too old. Your parents won’t stop yelling at you about it, and now they want you to get a job to help pay the bills but your anxiety makes you inept. You get slapped and hit with hard objects being thrown at you leaving bruises the size of baseballs on your thighs and arms. You can’t take all this ******* ******* coming at you all at once. You just want to grab a sharp object and stab your jugular or slit your wrists and bleed out on your bedroom floor. You need someone to talk to. You talked to your best friend but he just feels sorry for you. You need HIM. Just him. Only he can alleviate this anguish.
iii.
You’re terrified. It’s like a game of hide and seek. You have to trust that what you had lost will be found again. If he doesn’t forgive you what will you have? You’ll feel so alone and unloved. “Will I ever find love again?” You couldn’t fathom the idea of falling in love with another human being. You ARE in love with him. That’s why it hurts. You feel like you can’t breathe. You’re sick and he’s always on your mind. You’re drowning. Being stabbed by a million knives straight to the chest. You. Are. In. Love. With. Him. If he doesn’t forgive you, what will that mean? Darling, you’ll be the end of me.

Where is the SILENCE?

What is wrong with me?
No seriously, tell me.
What the **** is wrong with me?

I have a vivid memory of this one night while I was sitting on your front porch. It was twilight. The streetlights shone dimly, with a warm orange glow in contrast with the dark blue sky. The wind rustling through the leaves of the trees canopied above, with a chill that made the atmosphere itself shiver. My thoughts were so loud through the whispers of the winter slowly freezing over. It felt like I was being consumed by the kiss of the Dementors. It was beautiful yet maddening, like breathe on mirror.