It’s been years.
I thought time would wash
over the muddled traces
But it has only left a resentment to the words.
The sense of longing
never quite leaves my chest.
So I pickup the painful memories scattered
here and there.

even though the features I knew so well are fading,
I can’t help but search for your figure.
Your eyes.
At the bus stop, on the street, in the corners of bookstores,
even though I know I won’t see you.

It’s fine though, because when the moon shines through my bedroom window,
you haunt every part of me.
And the words I resented are so clear.

If only I had spoken these three words.. would things have been the same?

Sometimes I wake up and start crying.
Though, for a split second, I forget why.
I do not recall the day or time, or reasons… I am merely alive.
I find myself cherishing this moment because briefly I am at peace. But it does not last long, it can’t.
My feeling of absence nervously awaits until the painful sensation drags me down, embraces me with all its force, then retreats.
I am left alone, stuck.
But I am alive… I  am alive, aren’t I?
No this is all in my head, right?
It’s almost as if my mind keeps searching for something. For someone.
regardless of how much I avoid the truth, it always comes down to y o u.
I spend my days waiting, but the vivid sensation of loss continues to linger.

I observe the current of clamour from the far corner, over there
wishing I would blend with the limp air
And soak into the absence far away.

So, don’t ask me why
It’s in my nature to be shy
Just leave these flawed bones to decay...

even so, I didn’t ask for your kindness
It’s just an act muffled with blindness
I know it could never be true.

I have learnt not to trust those who are nice to me
Eventually they will push me away, out to sea
waiting for the waves to break through.

Yet my body tingles with this burdensome  feeling
This sensation blooming inside is unappealing...
all I can do is blame it on you.

Blame it on the way you walk
Or the way you stumble when you talk
Or the way your hair sits on your forehead.

Blame it on the way you smile with your eyes
Or the way you stare up into the skies
Or the way your ears can turn bright red.

But by all else above,
Blame it on the way you made me fall in love.

There is no certainty in cancer.
No simple cure. Easy way out.
Just time.
gnawing away the brain.
Leaving only regrets and memories.

No matter how young, happy, rich or healthy one may seem...
There is no certainty in cancer.

It is a faint word drifting in the air.
Infiltrating households. hospitals. Families.
But never us...
We are too strong.
Too busy.
We have too much life to live...

'its leukaemia’

The words soaks into me
Suffocating me in my own skin,
What has my life become?
A sunken abyss of darkness.
An empty vessel of meaningless time.

Now Its just me.
The room.
And my soundless mind.

Please, don't look at me.
Don't smile, or talk to me.
Please, don't treat me like you have a care in the world
Or in the least, want to know my world.
I gave you a choice to make
Knowing it would end like this.
I put myself on the edge
knowing I would fall.
The burden. Torture.
Its time to stop.
you know.
It really hurt.
But I am glad you didn't save me.
because when you left
I remembered how to breathe again.

I fall in love too easily
Feel pain too quickly
I let my heart flutter too simply
Feel torn too hastily

Is this what LOVE is?
So one-sided. unrequited. desperate.

In these foolish feelings
I am like a lost child in a hide and seek game waiting to be found.
Hoping one day you will see me as more than just another vaguely
familiar face.

But I know i was never on your mind...
Please don't feel guilty.
Just know...
if you ever think of me even for a second.
I’ll be here waiting.