i love the way your cheeks lift when you smile
when your eyes start to disappear
and your dimples peek out to join the excitement.

i love the way your laugh floats lightly in the air
a little giggle sometimes, sweet and soft
making my heart swing to the melody.

i love the way your lips move when you ask me, “can i kiss you?”
and i love the way they feel when you do.

i love the way you fill up silence with a song of “mm mm mmm” when you don’t know what to say,
or when you dance after a compliment because you don’t know how else to release the “ahhhh!” that is growing restless inside of you.

most importantly,

i love the way that you make me feel safe
and respected
and beautiful
and understood.

and i really,
really,
love the way,
that you love me.

You.
You mean so much
to me,
to the world,
to my heart,
to everyone around us

so everytime we part…

I’m at a loss,
without you,
without the one I want to protect the most,
the one I feel with, not for,
because I feel it with my all,
like its my own,
with you,

like you are home.

I worry about us
I really do
because I put my all inside of you.

I do this a lot, I find-
with the women that get me in a bind.

but this is different,
because you are you,
you are male,
you are a best friend,

one with whom I just never want to see the end…

usually, I know it’s not far
I know I will last
reunited by the New Year’s star.

but this time is different,
because of you,
because I know you are hurting,
I know you are far,
I want to protect you,
and give you my all.

I’m scared of the time
the time to think on my own
to worry
and wonder

and miss my “You” home.

for now,
I will wait
I will see you again
but I can’t stop the hurting

I can’t not miss my friend.

it felt like a summer day
the sun casting shadows
consuming the world with its yellowy tint

it felt like a pat on the back
from an old friend
reaching up
and smiling wide

that book,
it felt like
a never ending friend.

i find that even when i sit down to read a book, before i begin, sometimes i’m hit with a wave of sadness, this heart-dropping feeling of loneliness, fear of the emotions i’m about to feel, the emptiness, the focus i’m putting on my own mind… allowing myself to face my own thoughts all alone as they run through my head… it’s a scary, weird feeling and i wish i didn’t feel like this... i need to stop being afraid of being left to myself, of being an individual. i need to find fulfillment in life, in things, in reading alone, in taking photos alone, in spending time alone, in going on a walk alone... in being alone. at the beginning of this year i wasn’t like this, i found happiness and made peace with myself when no one was around but it’s changed, because of /you/ it's changed, something’s shifted, and i want my old self back, i want it to shift back, can i reverse this? can i please take back my old self?...


what have you done to me???

so i put on my brave face
i conceal
vulnerability is not a choice
to be shown
i must fit in under my constraints
these restrictions
i don't have time
i don't have  place
i don't have a second to waste
so i put on my brave face
and i lunge at my obstacles
funny though
how it's never enough
the time always seems to escape me
entangling me
in my web of work
which i tried so hard
to break apart
there's nothing more to do

so i put on my brave face.

The day wrestled with her long night
She gazed as they dove into the plight

A screamed out plea like every day
She just did not know another way

At last it had become all too much
She needed a renewal, a revival as such

So she shut her eyes and she filled her head
With things unseen and words unsaid

She tucked herself right into bed
And she let the trance
…con…..s…ume
her.