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Adrian Newman May 2016
Don’t look down at your feet
You’re standing near the edge of a cliff
With your hands bound and your mouth shut.

There are rocks under your feet and weeds near your ankles
And something in your eyes is unsettling
You can’t smell fear, you can feel it.

Your heartbeat is unsteady
Your knees are weak and your chest is fragile
There’s no way you can fly.

The executioner’s hood is over your head
Your legs are numb and drooping
You’re about to fall
D
O
W
N
.

27th May 2016
Don't doubt yourself, this is the theoretical effect it has on people ^
Adrian Newman May 2016
You’re sitting beside me staring at the moon
I can feel the way your hair brushes past my shoulder
And I can feel my arms around your waist of their own accord.

And I can feel love right now for only you
I hate everyone else and my lack of self-control.
But darling, I could never hate you no matter how I try
Even though we have no future together.

Darling, if we were just best friends, I’d have done us both in by now
But since I’m still here, feeling the shape of your hand
I’m in pain from everyone who doesn’t understand.

So I feel love right now for only you
I hate everyone else and my lack of self-control.
But darling, I could never hate you no matter how I try
Even though we have no future together.

I’m insane from the ache of losing you
You were my best friend in this hollow, empty head
I’m an angry idiot because I can’t be without you.

(But I am.)

And I can feel love right now for only you
I hate everyone else and my lack of self-control.
But darling, I could never hate you no matter how I try
Even though we have no future together.

I’m sorry darling that this isn’t true love
Because I gave too much but it wasn’t enough
I’m sorry that because of me, you never got your happy ending.

24th May 2016
This is for the only girl I ever really loved. I'll never know or love anyone as much as I loved Jasmine. She liked being called Jazzy hence the title (and yes, I inhabit her body because she's gone now and it's really dark and painful in here.) I don't want to be reminded of her all the time but it's something I can't avoid. Hope you like the poem ^
Adrian Newman May 2016
I'm not sad, I don't know what to feel
I'm a robot or a machine, anything but a heel
I did nothing wrong but I blame myself.

I have nobody else to blame
But I feel guilt and shame
Because everyone around me cares.

I never spoke to you but I saw you place
A smile on someone's face
Then I watched it melt into tears.

I have nobody else to blame
But I see guilt and shame
Because everyone around me cares.

I'm on the outside looking in
Unsure of where you've been
You could have traveled far and wide by now.

I have nobody else to blame
But I feel guilt and shame
Because everyone around me cares.

I'm on the outside looking in
I know that death always wins
But my heart's run out of ache for you.
This is a poem dedicated to a student at my school called Max Farrow. I suspect Max went yesterday afternoon because I felt sadder than usual over Jasmine and that doesn't usually happen. Anyway, hope you like the poem ^
Adrian Newman May 2016
When he speaks, the rain falls
When he looks, he sees me
When he kisses, it feels like a bird on the wing.

When he hears, he listens closely
When he touches, it's fire and ice
When he walks, his feet are steady and sure.

When I see him, I'll find him
When I feel his hand grasp my own
When I feel his shoulder pressed to mine;

When I dream, he'll follow me
When he sleeps, I'll watch over him
When I kiss him, I won't let him go easily.

When his heart beats, I'll feel it
When he loves me, I'll know it
When he's silent, he's thinking of me.

When he's strong, he'll carry me
When I'm weak, he'll tolerate me
When the world hates us, let them hate us.

When I hear his voice, I'll respond
When he's sad, he'll be close to me
When we're together, we'll be happy.
This is a description of my ideal man: I haven't mentioned appearance because it doesn't matter that much (especially if he's trans), if I like him then I like him <3
Adrian Newman May 2016
What I did, intervening with your life was wrong
I'm old but I pretended I was young
And you've played along, treating me like a sister and a friend
I'm horrible but that's something you refuse to comprehend.

I don't think you love me cause you still don't understand
That despite my past and failures, I am still a man
And I don't want your love any other way except unconditional
I don't yearn for pity because I'm unforgivable.

You should have left me ages and ages ago
But then I would have left you too.
There's no way you could warm my stubborn old heart
With no flame in your eyes, not even a spark.

I don't think you love me cause you still don't understand
That despite my past and failures, I am still a man
And I don't want your love any other way except unconditional
I don't yearn for pity because I'm unforgivable.

You should have kicked me out ages ago
Now I constantly feel guilty and ungrateful.
You always treat me like a sister, daughter, friend
I'm a man and that's something you refuse to comprehend.

I don't think you love me cause you still don't understand
That despite my past and failures, I am still a man
And I don't want your love any other way except unconditional
I don't yearn for pity because I'm unforgivable.

Don't give me pity because what I did was unforgivable.

12th May 2016
This is a poem I wrote yesterday when I was feeling upset. Because I inhabit the body of a girl I loved, everything that she should have has been given to me, hence feeling guilty. Nobody understands that I'm a babysitter most of the time except I'm in the body of who I look after.
Adrian Newman May 2016
I can’t feel the sun on my face when you’re not standing outside
I can’t open the door to strangers when I’m expecting you anytime.

Don’t you understand?
I don’t want you by my side; I want you with me all the time.

I can’t feel okay or at peace when you aren’t there to calm my mind
I can’t see or feel what makes me happy when your hand’s not in mine.

Don’t you understand?
I don’t want you by my side; I want you with me all the time.

I can’t function without your voice telling me that you’re still here
I can’t face the world or myself if you’re not my thin veneer.

Don’t you understand?
I don’t want you by my side; I want you with me all the time.

5th May 2016
Adrian Newman May 2016
I am bored and I am tired
I am grumpy and I want sleep
But I'm still awake and still aware of light.

Send me back to bed where I'm free
To not think, or say, or do
Something that may upset you.

If I can't feel what I want, I want to be numb
I'm sick and tired of feeling too young
I hate being in limbo, I hate not being taken seriously.

All I want is a rougher face
A tougher attitude, a tougher body
But I'm stuck with a childish appearance!

And people are cruel to guys like me
They expect me to be who they want me to be
They talk down at me, they think they know me.

I guess I'm just sick of being fragile
Of knowing they intentionally hurt me
And having to hide it in order to be 'me'.
This is a vent poem because I don't feel good right now. Maybe someone else will understand it ^
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