Dear ####,
How long has it been? To be honest, since we stopped seeing and talking to each other I have been miserable. You'd be upset with me, I've started stress smoking because of us, or because of what we were. I was thinking to myself the other night and I was brutally honest with myself. I still love you, and I'm sorry for it. I'm sorry because I never wanted to put you in this position, I never meant to fall in love with you, but I'm sorry the most that you couldn't bring yourself to say the same, that you were falling in love with me.
I'm sorry.
Now I am left to grieve, like you have died but its worse, your just down the street, just out of reach. You have decided that I was no longer part of your storyline because loving me scared you. Left with all of the memories, all the emotions. All the times we touched, you make me feel like I've never even laid my fingers on you. As if it never mattered to you. Like I was holding the shadow of your hands, snuggling with the idea of you. I cant go anywhere without memories of you, you in my bed, on the couch, playing cards at the table with my Nana, your hand in mine, your lips meeting my shoulder, even just at the grocery store. You claimed me as yours with Marker "####'s Kay", but it was as if your love was  like the ink, bright and beautiful in the moment, but not strong enough to last forever, not permanent.

But its okay, one of these days I will release the ideas that if I just wait long enough, you will realize that it doesn't matter if we are the same gender.

Its okay because I will heal.
Just so you know, I don't regret a single moment of us.
I miss you.

Love,
Your Kay

The sensation
drowning
the ocean being myself
trying to come up for air
my own hands
pulling me down
opening my lungs
the waves of anxiety
too hard to breath
trying to swim to the top
the fear to fail to great
too exhausted to fight the waves
I sink

Death.  

My Unwanted Lover

I know him by name

and I've seen all his faces

as beautiful as they are

they always remined me of a time

when it wasn't worth living

and breathing was replaced by grieving

He was my closest friend

and he understood me because we shared the same feelings

he told me he wanted what I wanted

when I was born he held me in his arms

whispering promises to me

telling me of all times that he would visit me

but I could never remember

Since I was born my life was promised to him

that he would be the death of me

I wish I would have known that he was never my lover

but the grief in so many others

"I'm fine," I smile.
dyeing a little as I say those words,
"I'm sorry did that hurt?"
No I'm fine.
"Are you okay if I leave you alone?"
yes, don't worry about me,
"I'm fine."
It may seem that I am lying to others,
but I'm really only lying to myself,
trying to deceive my brain,
my heart,
my soul,
that there's is no pain.

"Its okay, your fine."

He was that fire that burnt in your heart
that burned in your life.
His smile, his laughter would make the fire burn brighter
then he decided to singe that fire with a spray of cold water
try to understand that it was just a mistake.  
He'll always be there right?
What happens when the fire that burnt so bright dims to a single candle light,
what happens when you have to keep lighting that single
candle wick,
because the fire is slowly dying.
Will you go out too?

Shes afraid to see her reflection, the mirror that tells the truth.
The mirror that shows the hidden scars on her arms,
and the newly sewn stitches.
She tried and failed to stop the feelings ,
the newly fallen streaks of salt and fear staining her face.
The mirror that tells her that shes not good enough,
she doesn't have the strength to deny it any more.
The mirror that shows the girl who cries behind closed doors,
and that screams in her dreams where no one will hear.
Will no one help her, has the world turn its back on her?
Will she go out silently into the night?

I was there, alone
that wasn't new.
alone to feel the pain
the pain i liked to feel
i didn't have a knife
my thoughts cut deeper then the scissors
i couldn't even feel it at first
my mental pain melted away
forgotten by the feeling of the liquid dripping down my arm
sweet release if only for a moment
till the pain is just not enough
the reason behind your pain bubbling up
as you continue to bleed
what a mess.

I hate this feeling
the feeling of nothing
but also the feeling of everything
how is it even possible to feel them both at the same time?
to feel empty, after you felt it all
feeling like you are torn apart, and left broken,
because you could not deal with it all.
i almost wish that it would never stop
the feeling of emptiness
as if shouting into a void and not even hearing a wispier
not even an echo
the emptiness is so stifling, it fills me
the feeling of everything
i wish it would stop.
i wish i would,
END.

Here's the thing about AVERAGE: its average
I wanted to reach higher
to be stronger,
i wanted to show every one that i am MORE.
So i became more,
I trained HARDER,  i pushed for more, and in return...
I had NOTHING.
i couldn't love myself because i was never enough,
i forgot the feeling of a smile,
i became empty, because i forgot who i was,
and eventually i stopped trying to be more.
Because, was Average really that bad?

If average is yourself than maybe you should strive for average.

From the moment i met you, 
you were the image of perfection.
I didn't want to lisen to the voice in my head saying,
its all a con, hes to perfect. No ones perfect.
Your stuck in my thoughts, not sure what i should do with you.
I hear you whispering to me, the sound of your voice is memorizing.
I'm praying to God asking him for strength, because you bodies got me crying.
Just a little taste wont hurt, just one moment.
I need you now.
Now that I've fallen for you.
Your always there when i need you. Where are you now that I want you.

You have left me scarred,
when you repeatedly crushed me with your words.
Caring is important, yet you don't bear me a single glance.
Never being cared for, it messes you up,
consequences of never being cared for leaves you cold,
these things get in the way of life.
They block the light out of your life.
Open yourself up, I dare you, I believe you'll be surprised.
The people around you will change you for better or for worse,
don't build a wall, old habits are not easily broken,
but don't take a step away.
Come toward the light and do not stray, don't close your eyes,
I'm right here.
When you do open your eyes, I'll still be right here, you won't have to lose anyone else.
Just don't push us away.  We won't leave you alone.
I believe in you.

I look around, I look at you.

How do you look at this world?  How do you see me?

With those broken eyes, are we so different?

The stars in the sky weren't put there to tell us what to do

but to show us who we are, to let us know that they are still there.

look at the sea constantly changing, like you and me…

why can't we spread our wings and fly?

What’s holding us down?  Are you broken, angry or hurt?

It doesn’t matter, I won't tell you, that you didn't get it right.

You will grow, and you will change,

you'll be stupid and you'll be smart.

But in the days that you do happen to get it right,

we are here and we hear your cry's…

I really do care for you,
but these feelings you make me feel.
They are painful, they frustrate me, and slowly crush me.
When you smile, my heart skips beats.
Why cant you just hold me, please love me?
You speak but I can't listen.
Look at my actions, cant you see, i need you...
I'll breath but I feel like i'm drowning,
your word keep me afloat now,
but later, other words can drown me.
My emotions that i buried bubble and fester,
they tell me i'm not good enough for you.
When you look at other girls i cant help but hurt,
i'm sorry if i'm annoying you, i cant help it.....
I've fallen in love.
But if i love you, then why does some part of me hate you?

What are we doing?
We as people have to expand the bounds,
we have to see and breath under water,
we have to adapt to quench the the thirst to break ourselves,
yet we do.
Why fear death if we are it?
We **** ourselves every day and one day it won't be enough.
Push the bounds till there are none left,
push your body to the point where you don't have one,
break yourself, tear your self apart then, stitch it back together so you can do it again.
Don't think "who cares,"
we will watch with enthusiasm yelling  "jump!"
And you will as you plummet to the ground we will watch....
We have no bounds,
and yet as you are falling you think,
"Why doesn't anyone care?"
And you don't know why, but it hurts more then the fall...
The End