Dear ####,
How long has it been? To be honest, since we stopped seeing and talking to each other I have been miserable. You'd be upset with me, I've started stress smoking because of us, or because of what we were. I was thinking to myself the other night and I was brutally honest with myself. I still love you, and I'm sorry for it. I'm sorry because I never wanted to put you in this position, I never meant to fall in love with you, but I'm sorry the most that you couldn't bring yourself to say the same, that you were falling in love with me.
I'm sorry.
Now I am left to grieve, like you have died but its worse, your just down the street, just out of reach. You have decided that I was no longer part of your storyline because loving me scared you. Left with all of the memories, all the emotions. All the times we touched, you make me feel like I've never even laid my fingers on you. As if it never mattered to you. Like I was holding the shadow of your hands, snuggling with the idea of you. I cant go anywhere without memories of you, you in my bed, on the couch, playing cards at the table with my Nana, your hand in mine, your lips meeting my shoulder, even just at the grocery store. You claimed me as yours with Marker "####'s Kay", but it was as if your love was  like the ink, bright and beautiful in the moment, but not strong enough to last forever, not permanent.

But its okay, one of these days I will release the ideas that if I just wait long enough, you will realize that it doesn't matter if we are the same gender.

Its okay because I will heal.
Just so you know, I don't regret a single moment of us.
I miss you.

Love,
Your Kay

"I'm fine," I smile.
dyeing a little as I say those words,
"I'm sorry did that hurt?"
No I'm fine.
"Are you okay if I leave you alone?"
yes, don't worry about me,
"I'm fine."
It may seem that I am lying to others,
but I'm really only lying to myself,
trying to deceive my brain,
my heart,
my soul,
that there's is no pain.

"Its okay, your fine."

The sensation
drowning
the ocean being myself
trying to come up for air
my own hands
pulling me down
opening my lungs
the waves of anxiety
too hard to breath
trying to swim to the top
the fear to fail to great
too exhausted to fight the waves
I sink

I was there, alone
that wasn't new.
alone to feel the pain
the pain i liked to feel
i didn't have a knife
my thoughts cut deeper then the scissors
i couldn't even feel it at first
my mental pain melted away
forgotten by the feeling of the liquid dripping down my arm
sweet release if only for a moment
till the pain is just not enough
the reason behind your pain bubbling up
as you continue to bleed
what a mess.

I hate this feeling
the feeling of nothing
but also the feeling of everything
how is it even possible to feel them both at the same time?
to feel empty, after you felt it all
feeling like you are torn apart, and left broken,
because you could not deal with it all.
i almost wish that it would never stop
the feeling of emptiness
as if shouting into a void and not even hearing a wispier
not even an echo
the emptiness is so stifling, it fills me
the feeling of everything
i wish it would stop.
i wish i would,
END.

He was that fire that burnt in your heart
that burned in your life.
His smile, his laughter would make the fire burn brighter
then he decided to singe that fire with a spray of cold water
try to understand that it was just a mistake.  
He'll always be there right?
What happens when the fire that burnt so bright dims to a single candle light,
what happens when you have to keep lighting that single
candle wick,
because the fire is slowly dying.
Will you go out too?