I smile, and do what I'm told.
I'll be what you want me to be.
Can you see the emptiness behind my sparkling eyes?
The sparkles aren't real, they are from tears.
I don't have a choice but to keep surviving.
This mind of mine is deeper than most dare to swim.
People tried to swim with me but they end up drowning under the crashing waves.
They blame me....
If only they could see I didn't cause these tsunamis with in my soul.
You swam against the tide for a short while with me and gave up.
I've been swimming against those crashing waves most my life.
You panic and shove me down under the water to save yourselves.
Maybe if you can't see me then you won't have to deal with trying to save me.
I hold onto whatever debris I find floating in the ocean. I'm a fighter. I'll keep swimming.
I'll keep grasping for air.
Just because you close your eyes and pretend not to see me drowning doesn't mean I'm not dying right in front of you.
I can't make the waves stop but I can learn to surf them and appreciate the beauty of the journey.
For I will get to shore one day.
I will stand firm on my own 2 feet one day.
Watch me... with or without you.
I will rise above this.

You lost your right to be my father the moment you decided to sexually abuse me.
You don't even know the turmoil you have stirred up in my soul.
Do you sleep at night?
Because I don't, I lay awake in my confusion.
Wishing my reality was different.
You don't know what it's like to live with this.
If my own father couldn't love me, who will?
You took so ******* much from me.
You stole my innocence.
You made me feel tainted.
You made me fear trusting anyone.
Such deep rooted betrayal.
I finally understand I'm not the ******* up one.
You are.
I hope you get the help & support you need.
But right now I don't want you in my life.
I don't owe you anything.
You owe me a whole heck of a lot.
Starting out with an apology.
You weren't the father you should of been.
So you don't deserve the wonderful daughter I could be to you.
You know what I want?
I want your ******* lingering sensations gone from my body.
I want you out of my head.
I want you out of my nightmares.
I want you out of my heart, soul & mind.
You are like a pollution that keeps suffocating me.
I'm going to cleanse my soul from your toxins.
Your violence is inexcusable.
But my love over powers your violence.
Love is the answer.
I am loved.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
I will keep shining light on this darkness.

She's one of those beautiful mysterious ones.
The one that has absolutely no clue just how radiating she is.
Quiet but always thinking.
When she does speak her intelligence & eloquence flows out.
Kindness that melts your heart.
Her humor catches you by surprise.
That smile of hers fills the room with a force of enchantment.
I wish she could see what I see.
That she's not a **** among flowers.
But that she's a ******* beautiful rose bush.
Powerful with its twirling roots under ground.
Those thorns.. a force to be reckoned with.
She is like a closed rose bud hiding away.
But my God when she opens up and blooms.
You get blessed to see her for all the magnificent beauty that she is.
Full of color. A rarity.  
Like a galaxy full of shooting stars.
I wish she could see what I see.

I want you to not forget.
That you've tried this route before.
It didn't fix anything.
Temporary 30 second buzz.
Isn't worth the shame or headache.
You still end up right where you left off.
You're so much more than this.
You are hurting, you need a shoulder to cry on.
Not a bottle of illusion.
Scream, cry, sing... your way through it.
The feeling will pass.
It always does.
I know it feels impossible right now & this seems like a good solution.
But I promise you it's not.
Think about your beautiful children...
They are your world.
You are teaching them how to love themselves by your actions.
So love yourself furiously.
For you are so worthy.
Call a friend, ask for a hug.
You aren't alone.
You don't have to do this.

The darkness feels like it's consuming me.
My heart feels clouded with its constant dark suffocating fog.
How much can one person take?
There's these claw marks on my heart.
My soul was bleeding & I kept bandaging it up.
I tried to take the bandages off & let the wound heal.
It takes a sort of bravery to face that pain.
There was righteous anger, sadness, anxiety & confusion.
But I held onto hope & courage.
What a fool I have been.
Thinking that anything will change.
Nothing is changing.
People are stuck in their ignorance & can be so cruel.
My anger, my hope, my determination feels like it's all running out.
The darkness is taking over.
I don't know how much more fight I have in me.
The nothingness is trying to capture me.
I'm tired of fighting.
Maybe in a cage at least I'll be safe and know what to expect.
I don't know anymore.

My heart feels broken into a million pieces...
did you think about that Daddy before you stole my innocence.. Did you think about how this would affect me? Did you even care? How could you... how could you do this to me. Did I not matter? Did you think I just wouldn't remember. What if I didn't remember. Wouldn't you remember..? Wouldn't that break your own heart. It should. I was your little girl. You should of loved me, protected me, showed me my worth. Not hurt me & leave me with forever scars in my soul. My soul is bleeding... I bandaged up my wounds for as long as I could. Now I have to face it. My pain, my sadness, my anger. You made me fear trusting anyone & everyone. You betrayed my trust. You violated me. Was I not enough to spare such humiliation? What did I ever do to you. I was 5. You should of been my protector not my intruder. I feel sadness for you.  Because you must not have peace within your own soul after doing that. Guess what Daddy.. I do matter. I will rise above this. I hope you know you broke my heart forever... I Pray God forgives you. I'm working on forgiving you. Through this pain I will find my strength. I don't want to make the world darker to anyone like you did to me... I want to shine light into everyone's darkness. Humans matter. I matter. I deserve peace & I'm going to find it. You poured lies into my heart that I was worthless and only worthy for my body. I'm much more than that. I matter. I ******* matter & I will rise above this ❤️️

Can anyone hear me screaming?
I'm yelling at the top of my lungs.
I'm fighting with everything I got.
I'm clawing myself out of this grave.
Please hear my cries.
You're going to lose me.
I don't know how much more strength I have left.
Somebody help me.
I feel tired & weak.
At times the coffin looks so comfortable.
The quietness is appealing.
I want to get out alive.
Though I feel myself fading.
What is reality?
Who I am?
I feel so lost.
I want to be numb again in my other reality where it's safe.
Being present in this realm feels like my mind & body is on fire.
Can anyone see my pain?
Stop telling me it's imaginary.
I've tried that route.
Try walking a mile in my shoes.
You would feel lost in a jungle with danger all around you. Vicious animals ready to attack you at all times.
I feel invisible.
Nobody seems to hear me screaming.