You know
You’re not prepared
For anything at all
Yet you still wait
For your wishes
To come true

I'm messed up
and you ain't here
to pick me up when i fall
i'm *******
cuz i don't know
what feelings i have anymore
You don't listen
so now you can't even see
i won't let you see
when i cry
when i pray
or when i write
You don't understand
what i've been through
You don't understand my thoughts
and the only one who did
is now a drunk
You can lie
to anyone besides me
cuz i know the truth
no matter what you believe
But this ain't on me
I'm messed up
and the mess is all you see

i can't find my scissors
they're lost in my room
room full of stuff
there is barely any room
i don't have any glue
so scissors are important
i cut stickers
papers
my hair
and when i'm angry
i can cut **** up
where the **** are my scissors

Wanting to fall on the knees
in front of someone
anyone who is standing
anybody who cares
begging for help
can't speak
but the body shows the signs
help needed
how can't anyone see
crying
screaming for attention
standing on the stage
bright lights making the body shine
it's brighter than any light
turn it off
turn it off
let it be dark
let it be quiet
can then everything be let out
so that everybody hears
so that someone cares
so that help will come
or has the bystander won

What is it about cigarettes
that makes them poetic
is it the fire or being
a reminder of death
is it the stink
that pushes people away
but mixes perfectly with
the fingers that so delicately
hold onto the smoke
is it the feeling it gives
when you know
you hate what you do
when you feel a little power
in your fingertips
a nihilistic view of life
is it the lips that
inevitably look sweet to taste
maybe it's the soul in looking for

I respect myself
Maybe you don’t
...
I care for you too much
To walk away
From your ignorance
Teaching you helps us both
more
So i stay
And i bare
No, I’m sorry
I don’t
Not anymore
I have leared to say no
And walk away
So I don’t bare
I walk to a safer, more free environment
With my head just enough high
And back as straight as possible for me
And i do come back
To see your growth
...
I respect myself
After all these experiments
I have done to feel more
After mistakes
I didn’t think in those moments
I felt
There will be more of these
But i know where’s the line now

I respect myself
Finally

I've been seeing nightmares in my sleep
tryna stay awake so i wouldn't dream
i can feel the demons following me
tryna push me when i cross the streets
it's getting way harder for me to breathe
knowing that your putting curses on me
you're not even here but you're killing me
you're not even here but i can hear you breathe
are you gonna stay with me or will you leave
i can't get over the anxiety
who are you to walk all over me
who are you to stop me from reaching my dreams
you said you're the devil on my shoulder
but you're just a lover turned to enemy
i don't want to be running i want to be free
i don't want to be reminding myself how to breathe
just let me go let me be
just let me go and let me heal
i'm not a robot for you to control
i'm not a toy you make up stories about
i'm just a human who likes to love
you're too sad you have to hide your truths

You think you know
all the answers we need
you said it's a stupid secret
we choose to keep
last night you forgot your name
laughed it off and drank some wine
but we both know
you don't know who you are
you don't know what you want
looking for some feelings and connections
you know you won't keep
you think you know
all the answers in the world
yet you still forget your name

I think of you
Hugging me
When i was down
And all i see is warmth
I am happy to have found
Someone like you
Even as a friend

With every cigarette
you burnt a hole
in my heart
with every puff
you held the cigarette
longer on my heart
and every day i worried
about your heart
in fear
that i will crush it
you got to me first
and that makes you
even more perfect

Feasting off the crumbs i see
trying to fit a melody inside my head
trying to piece together something normal
and i fall
into the black hole of my mind
putting together a mine for the next time
i fall
Trusting somebody
is not that easy
when all you can hear
is lies and cries for help
and i am sorry
for leaving and hurting
my mind is hunting for pain
it's as unstoppable as the time we believe in
Letting in is hard
because i'm trying to block my thoughts
so that all of this could stop
so letting in is not an option
Stopping time
can be done with the heart
but when the heart is locked

I am feasting off the tears
and i fall
into the black hole of my mind

Why you messing with my head
Said I wanted to be friends
Now you given me the feels
Giving many compliments
Then you disappear again
You're left staying in my head

Hate loving nice boys

Why you gotta be so god ****** nice
You're nice to my heart
But killing my head
You're good with words
Even better in bed
Can't keep you outta my head

You're so honest
You're so kind
You tend to always blow my mind

Left alone on my bed
Hating nice boys- we're just friends

You disappear again
Leaving things left unsaid
Don't know what you're thinking again

Let me be

You're not a nice guy
You deceive
You're not a nice guy
They don't leave

I left my lovers all behind
got enough of being kind
they gave me headaches and  sleepless nights
don't have space to keep them running in my mind

Want a warm touch on a cold night
Wanna **** your brains out
won't be thinking for some time

Don't wanna talk
but we'll be up all night
Don't wanna know you
Don't stay the night

Cigarettes and ***
Distinct odours
Lingering around fingers
Silent night silenced
By an accelerated heartbeat
And deeper breathing
Reality is gone
Glances of solitude
And madness
As night passes
With open eyes
Yesterday’s problems
Still lay unresolved
But peace in mind
Is restored

High in the sky
there is a passing plane
  up in the space
   where stars shine bright
    bright as the light
     you flash into my eyes
      your eyes reflect the sky
       I know your secret
  You're an outer space creature
Badabadabumm
The light darkness
  that makes the stars
   feel so special
    i see the light darkness
     in the background of life
      the feeling's like the moon
       but incomplete
        there is a missing piece
  Have you lost a star
Aaaaaa aa
There's a missing star
  in the space
   a bright light
    in your face
     an outer-space creature

how difficult it is
to write about stuff
to write about anything
without myself
there have been times
when the abstract poems
on my pages have been good
but whenever returned
they seem like nonsense
123123123123
oops the brain was in between the lines