I can feel the eyes on me.
This bridge is beyond repair.
I can’t help but walk along this path,
The emerald moss is calling me.
Something glints beyond the cliffs
And I can’t help but follow.
I feel shadows part around me
The mist creeping in,
I’m pretending not to notice.
The sound of nothingness below me,
Above me and everywhere else.
It’s an eerie kind of silence.
A dangerous kind of silence.
A hand finds my own
From out of the empty.
Cold as ice
But I don’t mind,
It’s a pretty kind of pain.
So I grip it tight,
Let it pull me forward,
Let it guide the way.
I feel the cloak of darkness close behind me
But I don’t care to turn around.
I have to embrace the emptiness,
Let it consume me
And then let it all go.

Why do you do that?
Why do you cover your mouth like that?
Do you think you’ll keep it all in?
Has that ever worked before?
Or is it to keep everything out?
Has that worked either?
Look at you,
Look at what they made you.
At what who made me?
I couldn’t tell you that
But I wasn’t meant to be like this,
I swear I wasn’t.
I catch glimpses of myself
And I want to scream
‘Look at me!
This was who I’m meant to be!’
And then I let her go
And she leaves me behind.
I could run after her
But how much would it hurt?
How much does everything hurt?
Too much.
Always just a little too much for me.
So lie still
And listen to your breath.
Remember when it left you,
How much you begged to breathe again.
You pleaded with the darkness,
After you let it in
And now here you are.
Alive, like you wanted to be.
Didn’t you?
Is this what you wanted?
I just want the voices to stop,
To love and be loved in peace.
I’ve only ever wanted peace.
Try a little harder,
For a little longer.
Please
You can’t give up now.
Make it all worth it,
I dare you.

I fell in love in springtime,
Tripped over myself
To have the one thing
I thought I never wanted,
And yet I wondered
What it would be like in the summertime.
I loved you in the summer too,
With warmth as I hoped I would.
Your face covered in freckles
Always made me smile.
I loved you in the autumn time,
Through loss
I cried alone.
The last of summers warmth left me,
But I still had you.
I loved you through the winter
And we broke both our hearts,
But I never stopped,
Not even for a second.
Still I am yours
And I will love you until another spring,
Until you come back to me,
Until your freckles return
Along with my warmth.
And when the cold returns
The warmth won’t be lost.
I’ll hold you close my love
When spring returns.

I am sick with weariness,
As is all the world.
We are sick of you little girl.
To watch you cry is our blessing,
Your suffering brings us joy.
We’d love to see you bleed again.
Break your hand once more,
We want to watch you crumble.
Fade away into the darkness.
We wish you’d disappear.
Try to leave it all behind again,
But try harder this time
And maybe you’ll succeed
At last.
The silence you leave will be blissful,
There will be no hole to fill.
It will be as if you never were,
As it should be.
A world without you will be a gift,
We hope to watch you burn.
Turn to dust
And be scattered into nothingness
Where you belong.

I cry alone
Because I cannot bear to see you cry
And I cannot bear it if you don’t.
My pain is mine alone
And I will not let you judge me,
Dismiss me
And belittle me,
Or care for me either.
I do not want your pity,
Or your disdain either.
I want peace
But I have nothing of the sort.
I have my own pain
And the loneliness it brings.
There is no other way.

I am death,
Behold the darkness in me.
I am nothing
And I am everything all at once.
Watch my body burn.

Close your eyes little girl
And scream if it makes you feel
Anything at all,
Cry if it helps.
Feel the air in your lungs
And hold it for a while,
For as long as you can
If it makes you feel alive,
If it keeps you here with me.
Grind your teeth together
And squeeze your eyes shut,
If it keeps the demons at bay.
Block the world out for a moment
And let your breathe escape.
One long unbroken sigh.
Then let it all back in.

I’m a little too shy to kiss you when I’m sober
And I didn’t know if you’d want me to,
So I just glance in your direction
From time to time,
And see if you look back.
I thought I caught you looking
But my brain tells me I’m wrong.
I have to be wrong, right?
And when I woke up next to you
I couldn’t help but smile.
I’m not smiling anymore.
Because silence hurts so much more now
And I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong.
I liked it,
I liked you,
I wanted you to like me too.

I think I'm too broken to be loved.
There's not enough of me to give to you,
it's all twisted and scarred
and you wouldn't want it.
I expect to be abandoned
and I am used to loneliness,
It's bitter taste sits on my tongue
as it has always done.
You could ask me what's wrong
but I'm not even sure anymore.
It's the echo of misery in my soul,
the imprint it left on me
or rather the scar,
so many scars
to make sure that I don't forget.
I can't forget that I'm broken
and to tell the truth
there's not enough left to love.

I stare into the flames
and wonder what it would be like to burn,
to feel anything at all
except for this agonising numbness.
My eyes close slowly,
my breaths come slowly,
as if I could disappear for a while.
Take up so little space,
separate from the world for a minute
and make this feeling go away,
make these screaming thoughts stop
and allow me a moment of peace.

Hold my hand
Tight enough to hurt.
Dig your nails in
As hard as you can
To keep me grounded here.
I’m begging you not to let me go.
Just look at me like you might love me
And I’ll imagine the rest
Because that’s all I know.
Hold me close,
As tight as you can,
Tight enough so I can’t breathe.
Hold me there like you can keep me safe
And I’ll imagine that you care enough to try.
Take a step beside me
Then take a thousand more
Walk the world with me
A lifetime at my side
And don’t stop until I do

The moonlight falls onto my skin,
Silver and rippling
And I feel a semblance of peace.
I close my eyes
To let it all in
And let it all go.
My eyes glisten
With the reflection
Or tears perhaps.
I find I don’t care which.
Because peace is precious,
Peace and a certain kind of silence.
Not the lonely kind,
The suffocating kind.
Just the silence of calm.
I allow myself hope for a moment
That everything could be ok,
That I might be ok.

I am not a forgiving person
And you never should have asked
And every time I gave it to you
I told you to do it again
Except I begged you not to
You couldn’t seem to stop breaking my heart
No matter how hard you tried
At least I hope you were trying
Maybe you wanted to see how far you could go
Before I wouldn’t allow you back
And I let you do it
This is on me
Except I realise now it was all a lie
Every time I forgave you
It was me blaming myself
Telling myself it wasn’t your fault
And therefore you didn’t need my forgiveness
But I couldn’t forgive myself
I can’t forgive you for letting me die alone
I could never
And I will never forget how it felt
Every time I close my eyes
I suppose they say everybody dies alone
But it’s another thing to live it
You made me choose
I chose you over me
Your happiness over my life
And I chose wrong

If I hold my breath a moment
And let the silence seep in
I could quiet the madness
That seeks my destruction
And I’ll go oh so slowly
You won’t even notice what’s missing
As I slip away with madness
The cold holds my bones
And grips tight around my throat
I can’t even tell if it’s my salvation
Or my death it desires
And which I hope for now
As I shut my eyes
Allow a tear free
It freezes on my cheek
From the cold of my skin
The cold in my heart
Like ice I melt away so slowly
Or perhaps I’ll shatter
You’ll cut yourself on the pieces
And you’ll know how I felt

I had to burn it down
To ever feel it’s warmth
I had to watch it burn to know I’m free
To ever feel ok
I need to feel the smoke in my lungs
To breathe again
To know it’s finally over
And when the ash stains my skin
I will be sated
Only destruction will satisfy me now
Will pacify me now
And silence the rage that screams at me
Constantly
Telling me I need this
Revenge
Telling me to burn it all down
They say it’s best served cold
And I say let them burn

A smile tugs at my lips
Yet a tear falls from my eye
I cannot seem to find happiness
Without endlessly asking why
I had to suffer all I did
And why I suffer still
Have I lost the girl I used to be
Has all the pain broken my will
And changed me into someone else
Someone who’s not quite there
Who’s always a word away from darkness
Who can taste sadness in the air
And I stare into a mirror
And wonder what it is I’ve lost
Has the price of all this been to high
Can I still afford the cost
Is there enough strength left inside of me
To fight this hard each day
Or is this all just futility
My final useless attempt to stay
But I decided I had come to my end
And I felt it in my soul
And now that I have to live with that decision
I don’t believe I ever will be whole
So I take one step after another
And I clasp my hands into fists
I collect together all my remaining pieces
To have the courage to just exist

I grit my teeth as they say your name
Smile like I don’t care
My heart is pounding
I force the lie through my lips
And it burns like poison
You mean nothing to me anymore
What a lie that was

My truth will set me free
Because it has to
I can’t breathe trapped in here
Suffocating on my own anger
Spilling from my eyes
White hot
And it burns me again
As it always has
But I grit my teeth through the pain
As I always have
I deny you the pleasure of watching me suffer
I know that’s what you crave
But you’ll suffer as I have
I promise
Trust my rage

Seeing your face like this
Breaks my heart again
Into a thousand pieces
Scattered carelessly
And I stare at them wordlessly
Because words are lost to me now
I could not describe how I feel right now
So I bite my tongue
To hold off the tears a little longer
Not much longer now
Goodbye my friend
I miss you

I can keep choosing words
To express what I’ve lost
But it’s not complicated
I loved you
It doesn’t matter how
And I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying
Ever let you go
You’re gone
And I’m broken without you
What’s new?

I’ll have to turn to apathy
Because caring hurts too ******* much

If I could numb the world
Or numb myself to it
Then maybe I could let something go
Look at the white of my knuckles
Admit defeat
And be free
But it’s too strong
And I’ve never known anything else
Other than holding on
Too long

You could never appease me
Never make up for what you’ve done
And I will only know peace
When I am bathed in flame
As the smoke fills my lungs
I will know that I am a survivor
And all that will remain of you
Will be ash
And I still won’t be satisfied
Because fire is too good for you

If I could hold your hand forever
I know I would be safe
But you aren’t made to guard me
You let me make my own mistakes
But when I do
And when you find me broken on the floor
You take my hand again
And I am safe because I’m yours

This smile I hold for you,
For safe keeping,
I think I’d like to keep it.

We are patchwork people
The little girl who smiled
And the girl who cried
Neither of us whole
Because we have been torn apart
How long can you hold my heart
Before it falls apart as well
And you’d never know
that I was anything other than broken
Because my suffering has overcome me
And what love I had was lost
So very long ago
And I would say I love you now
But I don’t think we can
Because we are patchwork people
And if I give you this piece of me
There won’t be enough left
To hold me together
And when the parts begin to fray
You won’t recognise me
Perhaps you don’t know me even now
Because we are patchwork people
And we can never be whole again

You broke your own rules
And what for?
So they could break you again?
So you could stare into the mirror
And ask why?
You know why.
This is your fault now
So do it all again,
One more time.
Maybe this time will be different?
You’ve told that lie before
And you’re such a bad liar.

Everyone is watching now,
Watching me fall apart.
Staring with intrigue
As my mask cracks and fades.
Look at me now,
The truth revealed.
I hope you’re all happy to see me.

I’m left here again
Alone and scared of myself
Blood on my hands
My blood as always
I don’t even know why I’m here
Or what I feel right now
Except pain
My single constant
At least I can rely on that

I fall deeper into misery
With every passing day,
And the more I lie
The more it hurts inside.
I’m so angry it hurts
And self hatred is tearing me apart.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I don’t know what I have left to hold on to
So please just let me let go.

I thought it was different
That I had changed
Begun to heal
To recognise myself
But the truth is
I am so good at hiding my pain
Even from myself
But now I see
I am more broken than I’ve ever been

At night I am broken
Trapped in a nightmare
Long since gone
But at night I remember
At night I mourn
And when the morning comes
And the mourning goes
I wipe away the tears
I bury my sorrows in a dark place
Not deep enough
For they arise
And at night I break again

My fear is paralysing me
My secrets wrapped tight round my throat
Every heartbreak hits me at once
And my heart shatters into pieces
So many pieces
Now all that remains is dust

If this is a test
To see how much I can take
You win
Because I’m so very tired
And I can’t do this anymore

Your grip is so tight
It grounds me
Keeps me here with you
And your hand is warm in mine
If I let go
I know you’ll still be here
Waiting for me
Ready to catch me when I fall
But I can’t stay here
I can’t stay with you forever
Because I have to survive alone
I have to do this alone
And loneliness is what I fear
But I don’t feel it now
When I’m safe in your arms
I can’t stay here forever
I can’t love you
In the hope that will save me
That it will be enough
To keep me here
Because it’s never enough
I have to choose to live

I am ashamed
Ashamed that this has torn away
All the progress I thought I’d made
And that I’m back here again
I am ashamed I cannot suffer alone
And that I drag others down with me
Because I tried so hard
Not to
I thought I could pretend
And I tried for so long
But I think it made me a little mad
Mad enough to hurt myself
To let some of it out
It didn’t work though, did it?
If I must bear this weight
Is it my duty to bear it alone?
To allow others to be free
Of me
I have become complacent
Allowing words to spill out
After being trapped for so long
And I felt relief
After all this time
Just to feel less alone
But now I’m scared
And I’m angry
I wish I’d just stayed quiet
And broken alone

You didn’t follow me this time,
Maybe you’re fed up with me now.
I wouldn’t blame you,
I’m fed up with me too.

If I look into the future
And all I see is pain
Tell me what is the point?
I need an answer
I need someone to tell me why
I should stay alive
When it’s like this
What’s the point of life anyway?
I can’t do this again
Perhaps I deserve this
Maybe giving me hope
Allowing me to look into the future
And not see misery
Is exactly the kind of torture I deserve
Because it hurts so much more
When it’s ripped away from me again
And I can’t focus on anything
In the sea of misery that drowns me
And I just need to breathe
But I can’t anymore
I don’t even want to try
And all I keep asking is why?
But there’s no answer is there?
So what do I do?
And what did I do
To deserve this
If I believe in something
It all hurts so much more
And I’m clinging oh so tightly
To the strings that hold me together
But they’re breaking in my hands
So maybe I’ll just let go

What do you do when no one saves you
When you’re bleeding out
And there’s no one around
To stop the flow of blood
How would you feel if you were screaming
If you were begging for help
But no one heard
And so you stopped
What would you feel if you were broken
But beyond repair
And there was no one to help you
And no one even tried
What would it be like to walk around
With tears streaming down your face
But they are invisible tears
And so no one asks you why
This is what it was like
To live through this
With no ones help
And come out the other side
So I’m sorry if I can’t trust you now
But I am used to loneliness
And the only thing that was constant
Was the darkness growing inside
And the more of me it took
The more I seemed to hide
From the outside world
And what you could see
Wasn’t me

I think I’ll always love strawberries
Because of you
I’ll look at them and smile
And I’ll remember that too
I’ll look twice at every cyclist
That races past me
But I’ll never find what I’m looking for
Because it’s you I want to see
I want to hold tight to the feeling
Of warmth that you give
I’ll sometimes stop and think of you
No matter who I’m with
And even when I find a lover
From whom I am never apart
I’ll always remember the first man
Who tried to fix my broken heart
Your laugh is my favourite thing
That I have ever known
Your presence calms my raging mind
With you I never feel alone
You have made me so much stronger
Than I ever was before
And you supported me in battle
So that we could end this war
And when all is done and all I see
Are bodies on the ground
You’ll take my hand and keep it there
Where most would never stick around
I’ll never be able to express to you
How much you’ve done for me
But sometimes when you see me smile
I hope you’ll think, that was thanks to me

I often feel ashamed
Of my weakness
Of how easily I fall in love
I let other people decide my fate
Their hand on the trigger
Their gun to my head
And I let them
I allow those I love
To choose what I feel
To destroy me if they will
And I forgive them
Because this is on me
My weakness
And it makes me angry
That I am jealous
Because I fell in love
Again
I wish I could live for myself
But I don’t
I wish I didn’t love
But I do
And I am so angry
At myself
Because I allowed another man
To take the reigns
Of my life
And then was surprised
That I lost control

It may seem a little silly
To write about you
And I promise I don’t love you
But I just can’t forget your smile
And I can’t forget your laugh
You infect me
And happiness is my disease
It’s our disease now
When you sit next to me
I wish I could pause the world
And remember how I feel
I’ll never forget what I feel
Right now
Because I am so happy
Because of you
My cheeks ache
From smiling at you
Sometimes I wonder
How you know me so well
Better than I know myself
You never judge me
But always understand
When I don’t understand
What I feel
So stay with me
Please
Because I miss the sunshine
When you’re gone
And I would promise
I don’t love you
But I do

I’d like to write about beautiful things
For once
I’d like to portray beauty
To make you truly feel it
I want these words to come alive
To flow from the page like a river
And wrap you up inside
I am so practiced in dark verses
I know a thousand words for pain
A thousand metaphors for sadness
To show how broken I felt
But that isn’t all I feel
I could draw tears from you
Make you truly weep
But what about a smile?
Could I warm you heart
Give love rather than sadness
Rather than sharing my pain
Can I make you feel something different
Could I be the verse you mutter
Under your breath
To yourself
So you hide your grin
Could I write a lullaby
To send you to sleep
To have peaceful dreams
And yet all I’ve seen is pain
All the words I’ve written are blue
And now I want to give something else
I want to give a smile to you

Am I the broken girl
That I thought I was
That I became because
I have suffered for so long
Do I have a strong heart
And a stable mind
Could I be different
Now the pain is gone
Am I the smiling face
That many know me as
Or am I the blood that pours
Deep red from my veins
Am I the source of happiness
To anyone
Or am I just a ghost
Am I the same person now
Or have I grown
Into something new
And is this better
I don’t know what I have become
If I am the same at heart
Or if I became what I was
The only thing I knew for so long
Am I just a broken girl
Did I lose everything else
Or did I change
Into something better
Something that can survive
The wasteland of this life
Someone that breathes the toxic fumes
And the smoke from this fire
Raging inside me
Burning weakness
What remains of me?

I was scared once
Because I couldn’t remember who I was
What I was before all this pain
Before the world threw everything at me
Every conceivable suffering
And the rubble filled the air
The shrieking filled my mind
And I couldn’t remember what was there
Before all this
And now that the dust has settled
I dragged my broken body
From the ruins of my mind
I took a cloth
Soaked in tears
And I wiped away the blood
And then I began to recognise myself
Under all this destruction
I was scared
Because I couldn’t remember who I was
Before I was suffering
But now it is clear
Now that I am free
I remember
I was happy

I sat in dark rooms
My knees towards my chest
Gripping my own hand
Just to feel something
Other than pain
The tears falling won’t stop
They sting my cheeks
So raw
But I feel nothing
How many days I spent praying
For anything
Dreaming of heroes
And imaginary people
I could make believe that someone
Anyone could help me
But no one did
I would cry
Until there was nothing left
But no one saw
No one came
So I listened to the dull thud
Coming deep within my heart
It never stops
Even when I begged it to
When the tears stopped falling
I would close my eyes
Breathe deep
Conceal my shattered parts
Because what else was I to do?

We sit around the table
With our puppet strings
Smiles pull at our lips
Like fish hooks through our skin
Bile builds in my throat
Tears swim in my eyes
But the smile won’t fade
It is not the puppeteers will
Liquid poured down my throat
And I welcome the burn
Hoping to feel something
Taste anything other than bitterness
Looking around at my loved ones
At their porcelain masks
Their puppet strings
And their moth eaten facade
My jaw aches from being tensed
From being clenched
To prevent me saying something
I know better than to deviate
From the twisted script that is set
I look across the table
At the other guests
The other prisoners
As their strings are pulled
What a dark play we perform
In our tea party called family

Think yourself to death
Take every word
Twist it
Change it
Until it haunts you
Every breath
Now has a meaning
That nobody intended
Punish yourself by overthinking
Every conversation
Every look
Nothing can remain happy for long
Because I am so good at this
Taking kind words
Turning them dark
I wish I could stop
But you can’t
I won’t let you
You won’t let yourself
Can’t you just be happy for once
Can’t you just let it go
Not everyone hates you
You can’t convince yourself of that
But I can
All words can be twisted in my mind
Turned into knots
Hangman’s knots
And tied around my neck
A noose of my own making
I think myself to death

I love you with all my heart
not the wild, raging, complicated love
That consumes and devours
The calm and peaceful love
That warms and empowers
You have never toyed with me
Never delighted in my pain
You will never allow me to cry for long
Before you make me smile again
I cannot help the little grin
That creeps onto my face
When I hear your childish laugh echo
Into my dark little hiding place
You protect me from my darkest thoughts
Fight them off with your childish light
And although they try to get at me
You will not give up the fight
Your smile is so infectious
It forces mine to show itself
You tell a joke at my expense
And I will laugh at that as well
It is not within your nature
To behave with simple care
I know that my tears are foreign to you
And your bright eyes are looking scared
But you try your best to care for me
And I know that this is hard
But you are doing oh so well at it
And you haven’t quit so far
You might think this is a love poem
And that is almost certainly true
But not the complicated, miserable kind
It’s only smiles I get from you

Daggers from ones you love
Are buried so much deeper
Their edges sharpened
Because they are not often brandished
Not like the blunt wooden spears
Of the permanently cruel
Not that they don’t hurt
But when someone you love
Takes their dagger from their belt
And holds it with a darkened smile
Never breaking eye contact
They won’t look away
They are no coward
They raise the blade above their head
For they need all of their power
And they aim it in a brutal place
In the most painful place
The place you held them in
They plunge their knife into your heart