I am not a forgiving person
And you never should have asked
And every time I gave it to you
I told you to do it again
Except I begged you not to
You couldn’t seem to stop breaking my heart
No matter how hard you tried
At least I hope you were trying
Maybe you wanted to see how far you could go
Before I wouldn’t allow you back
And I let you do it
This is on me
Except I realise now it was all a lie
Every time I forgave you
It was me blaming myself
Telling myself it wasn’t your fault
And therefore you didn’t need my forgiveness
But I couldn’t forgive myself
I can’t forgive you for letting me die alone
I could never
And I will never forget how it felt
Every time I close my eyes
I suppose they say everybody dies alone
But it’s another thing to live it
You made me choose
I chose you over me
Your happiness over my life
And I chose wrong

I stare into the flames
and wonder what it would be like to burn,
to feel anything at all
except for this agonising numbness.
My eyes close slowly,
my breaths come slowly,
as if I could disappear for a while.
Take up so little space,
separate from the world for a minute
and make this feeling go away,
make these screaming thoughts stop
and allow me a moment of peace.

A cup in one hand
My pen in the other
I can start to move on
And I heal myself further
With the help of a man
not the one I need
But maybe he is exactly
What I need him to be
Kind and caring
With a glint in his eye
Not giving a ****
As the people pass by
An endless ability
To take away my pain
to drag me from the darkness
And make me smile again
It’s not the same love I feel
But it’s almost as strong
Maybe this is how it should have been
What I needed all along
Just a person to talk to
To take away my fear
To listen to my sadness
And share with me a tear
I don’t need him anymore
The man I yearned for all that time
I can honestly say I wouldn’t care
If he never would be mine
Because I found a friend In all this war
I found another man
Who helped me want to live again
And showed me that I can

It forever walks behind me
It is always at my side
And even if I wanted to
There is no where that I can hide
It follows in my footsteps
Watching every move that I make
It’s there for all my happiness
But witnesses all my mistakes
It holds my hand when it is needed
It will never leave me be
But even when I wish to be alone
It will not take leave of me
When fear grips at my beating heart
And my eyes are filled with tears
It will grip me tight and hold me fast
Until my path is crystal clear
As I stumble down a hazy road
And try to keep from falling
And brush off all the little bugs
And try to stop my skin from crawling
No matter how I plead with it
It seems you cannot see
No matter how I beg of it
It will not let me be
So perhaps I must succumb to love
And accept that I cannot be rid of it
So I will have to carry on anyway
And maybe it will be for my benefit
So I will not ****** my hand away
And there is nothing to be scared of
Because I know it will be there for me
My precious shadow that is called love

I’d like to write about beautiful things
For once
I’d like to portray beauty
To make you truly feel it
I want these words to come alive
To flow from the page like a river
And wrap you up inside
I am so practiced in dark verses
I know a thousand words for pain
A thousand metaphors for sadness
To show how broken I felt
But that isn’t all I feel
I could draw tears from you
Make you truly weep
But what about a smile?
Could I warm you heart
Give love rather than sadness
Rather than sharing my pain
Can I make you feel something different
Could I be the verse you mutter
Under your breath
To yourself
So you hide your grin
Could I write a lullaby
To send you to sleep
To have peaceful dreams
And yet all I’ve seen is pain
All the words I’ve written are blue
And now I want to give something else
I want to give a smile to you

I am ashamed
Ashamed that this has torn away
All the progress I thought I’d made
And that I’m back here again
I am ashamed I cannot suffer alone
And that I drag others down with me
Because I tried so hard
Not to
I thought I could pretend
And I tried for so long
But I think it made me a little mad
Mad enough to hurt myself
To let some of it out
It didn’t work though, did it?
If I must bear this weight
Is it my duty to bear it alone?
To allow others to be free
Of me
I have become complacent
Allowing words to spill out
After being trapped for so long
And I felt relief
After all this time
Just to feel less alone
But now I’m scared
And I’m angry
I wish I’d just stayed quiet
And broken alone

My bones are broken
My eyes are raw
I’m not the same girl
As I was before
I’m battered and broken
Weary and old
Not in body but spirit
Or so I am told
Nothing matters now
But I still care too much
I want to be free now
But all that I touch
Shrivels and blackens
It all turns to coal
Everything has been tainted
By the dark in my soul
I’m being punished
I’m serving my time
I try to get through this
Keep saying ‘I’m fine’
But that’s just lies
The stuff that I say
To keep myself going
As my life slips away

I grit my teeth as they say your name
Smile like I don’t care
My heart is pounding
I force the lie through my lips
And it burns like poison
You mean nothing to me anymore
What a lie that was

I will be strong without you
For I can mourn your loss no more
Though this time it is truth
Not my own demons like before
Before you leave forever
I would ask you do one more thing
Sit by my side once more
And I will spill my darkness from within
But this time I do not want for you
Though I want you all the same
The feelings that are drowning me
Are too complex to be named
I hold my breath to fight the pain
Or at least to fight the tears
That threaten to consume me
As I fall in a whirlpool of my fears
So before you leave for good this time
I beg you sit by my side
Talk to me as we once did
And allow me to say goodbye

I don’t notice you come in
How strange
I never thought this would happen
But oh how things change
I don’t need your approval
Don’t need your smile
I don’t belong to you now
And I haven’t for a while
I couldn’t feel it
As you slipped away
As I let you go
And more with each day
I don’t need your love
I don’t need you now
I’m breaking free from this
But I really don’t know how
I couldn’t imagine
Escaping your hold
My life revolved around you
But I’m out in the cold
And yet I don’t feel it
I don’t need you anymore
I might not love you
I might have won this war

Your grip is so tight
It grounds me
Keeps me here with you
And your hand is warm in mine
If I let go
I know you’ll still be here
Waiting for me
Ready to catch me when I fall
But I can’t stay here
I can’t stay with you forever
Because I have to survive alone
I have to do this alone
And loneliness is what I fear
But I don’t feel it now
When I’m safe in your arms
I can’t stay here forever
I can’t love you
In the hope that will save me
That it will be enough
To keep me here
Because it’s never enough
I have to choose to live

If I hold my breath a moment
And let the silence seep in
I could quiet the madness
That seeks my destruction
And I’ll go oh so slowly
You won’t even notice what’s missing
As I slip away with madness
The cold holds my bones
And grips tight around my throat
I can’t even tell if it’s my salvation
Or my death it desires
And which I hope for now
As I shut my eyes
Allow a tear free
It freezes on my cheek
From the cold of my skin
The cold in my heart
Like ice I melt away so slowly
Or perhaps I’ll shatter
You’ll cut yourself on the pieces
And you’ll know how I felt

I’m left here again
Alone and scared of myself
Blood on my hands
My blood as always
I don’t even know why I’m here
Or what I feel right now
Except pain
My single constant
At least I can rely on that

My fear is paralysing me
My secrets wrapped tight round my throat
Every heartbreak hits me at once
And my heart shatters into pieces
So many pieces
Now all that remains is dust

I see you round corners
In the reflections of windows
Sometimes I feel you there
When I look in the shadows
I feel you are waiting
And I know you are close
But no one else can see you
Yet wherever I go
I can see you are watching
Waiting for me to loose my grip
Because I have to hold tightly
Or else I will slip
I’ve been so close
And I feel you with every breath
But that’s what happens
When you’re dancing with death

If I could numb the world
Or numb myself to it
Then maybe I could let something go
Look at the white of my knuckles
Admit defeat
And be free
But it’s too strong
And I’ve never known anything else
Other than holding on
Too long

If this is a test
To see how much I can take
You win
Because I’m so very tired
And I can’t do this anymore

I sat in dark rooms
My knees towards my chest
Gripping my own hand
Just to feel something
Other than pain
The tears falling won’t stop
They sting my cheeks
So raw
But I feel nothing
How many days I spent praying
For anything
Dreaming of heroes
And imaginary people
I could make believe that someone
Anyone could help me
But no one did
I would cry
Until there was nothing left
But no one saw
No one came
So I listened to the dull thud
Coming deep within my heart
It never stops
Even when I begged it to
When the tears stopped falling
I would close my eyes
Breathe deep
Conceal my shattered parts
Because what else was I to do?

I needed you
I was dying
Too quickly
Falling in to the darkness
And I couldn’t get a grip
You were my handhold
My lifeline
You saved me
My love for you
Was keeping me alive

But the line is round my neck now
It’s tightening
My hands are bleeding
From holding
I need to let go
But I can’t
So what do I do
I can’t escape my love for you

I thought it was different
That I had changed
Begun to heal
To recognise myself
But the truth is
I am so good at hiding my pain
Even from myself
But now I see
I am more broken than I’ve ever been

I’ve tried you know
You must see that
I fought all the snakes
Who hissed and spat
All the evil that this world could throw
I did not waver
Did not let them know
How weak I was
How broken inside
And I held my head low
In shame as I cried
Because I am so weary
From all of this war
And I’m not the same person
As I was before
Everything’s fading
All the things that I was
I don’t know what to do now
And I know it’s because
You gave me this pain
And thought I could fight
But I can’t any longer
I can’t sleep at night
I am haunted by ghosts
Of the people I’ve lost
And I’m haunted by day
And there is a high cost
The cost is my soul
And my sanity
Can’t you see I’m done fighting
Please just set me free

You broke your own rules
And what for?
So they could break you again?
So you could stare into the mirror
And ask why?
You know why.
This is your fault now
So do it all again,
One more time.
Maybe this time will be different?
You’ve told that lie before
And you’re such a bad liar.

Enjoy your freedom but don’t look too close
Or you’ll see these stone walls that keep you enclosed
These hidden fences
Wherever you look
Now you see your cage
And all that it took
Was a look to the left  
And a look to the right
Then the truth came upon you
There was no freedom in sight
You had always been trapped
In a cage made of lies
society tricked you
And they covered your eyes
So you couldn’t see them
Couldn’t see what they do
But the truth is they whisper
No freedom for you

I’m really ****** up you know
Sometimes I just think about that
I’ve spent so much time in the dark
Surrounded by nothing but my own demons
And everything I feared
I went mad
Not the crazy, shrieking type of mad
The quiet type of mad
The one that stares blankly
When inside their heads all they hear is screaming

I’m really ****** up you know
I spent so much time being punished
For no reason
Just because it was the will of the wicked
And so I came to expect it
And I became so **** afraid

I’m really ****** up you know
It’s like I’m drowning oh so slowly
I gasp for breathe and I think I can survive
But the next wave comes and pulls me under
And I am surrounded by all the water that suffocated me before
So I’m sorry if I cry
And you just can’t understand why I’m so afraid
Because you don’t know
You can’t imagine what I am

I’m really ****** up you know
So when you hear my story
When I trust you with my pain
Don’t look at me and wonder why I dig my nails into my palm
Don’t wonder why my knuckles are ****** and bruised
Because you don’t understand
Pain is my only constant
The only thing that hasn’t left me

I’m really ****** up you know
But I’m not destroyed
Because although I have suffered every punishment that the world could throw
I’m still here
I hope you realised what that means
I hope you know how much easier it would have been to give up and fade away
And how tempted I was
Because I wasn’t strong
And I just couldn’t cope with a constant onslaught of loneliness and misery

I’m really ****** up you know
But when you see me smile
Don’t doubt my story
But weep with joy for me
Because the simple smile that you see is nothing short of a miracle
And if you could see everything I have been through
You would know how ****** up I am
But you would be surprised that I’m alive
And you might even say
That I deserve to smile

I wish that you would love me
I’m hoping that you’ll try
That one day you will look at me
And you’ll begin to cry
For everything you could have had
And everything you don’t
You’ll wish you loved me sooner
But now I’m losing hope
I look in to your eyes my dear
I look in to your soul
I wish that I would see me there
But now I just feel cold
I know you’ll never love me
I know you’ll never try
But one day I hope you’ll look at me
You’ll look into my eyes
You’ll see the things we could have had
And all the things we don’t
And maybe then
You’ll feel my love
But by then it will be gone

I am death,
Behold the darkness in me.
I am nothing
And I am everything all at once.
Watch my body burn.

It may seem a little silly
To write about you
And I promise I don’t love you
But I just can’t forget your smile
And I can’t forget your laugh
You infect me
And happiness is my disease
It’s our disease now
When you sit next to me
I wish I could pause the world
And remember how I feel
I’ll never forget what I feel
Right now
Because I am so happy
Because of you
My cheeks ache
From smiling at you
Sometimes I wonder
How you know me so well
Better than I know myself
You never judge me
But always understand
When I don’t understand
What I feel
So stay with me
Please
Because I miss the sunshine
When you’re gone
And I would promise
I don’t love you
But I do

Cut me open
Look inside
Beneath broken bones
I am alive
And everything I’ve lost
Has left a scar
So continue your search
But don’t go too far
Into the corners
And the dark despair
If you really look closely
You’ll see everywhere
The pain of love
Of loving you so
And how the cracks would deepen
Every time you chose to go
Because I loved you so much
But it tore me apart
I know you can see this
As you hold my beating heart

I fell in love in springtime,
Tripped over myself
To have the one thing
I thought I never wanted,
And yet I wondered
What it would be like in the summertime.
I loved you in the summer too,
With warmth as I hoped I would.
Your face covered in freckles
Always made me smile.
I loved you in the autumn time,
Through loss
I cried alone.
The last of summers warmth left me,
But I still had you.
I loved you through the winter
And we broke both our hearts,
But I never stopped,
Not even for a second.
Still I am yours
And I will love you until another spring,
Until you come back to me,
Until your freckles return
Along with my warmth.
And when the cold returns
The warmth won’t be lost.
I’ll hold you close my love
When spring returns.

Close your eyes little girl
And scream if it makes you feel
Anything at all,
Cry if it helps.
Feel the air in your lungs
And hold it for a while,
For as long as you can
If it makes you feel alive,
If it keeps you here with me.
Grind your teeth together
And squeeze your eyes shut,
If it keeps the demons at bay.
Block the world out for a moment
And let your breathe escape.
One long unbroken sigh.
Then let it all back in.

I fall deeper into misery
With every passing day,
And the more I lie
The more it hurts inside.
I’m so angry it hurts
And self hatred is tearing me apart.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I don’t know what I have left to hold on to
So please just let me let go.

I had to burn it down
To ever feel it’s warmth
I had to watch it burn to know I’m free
To ever feel ok
I need to feel the smoke in my lungs
To breathe again
To know it’s finally over
And when the ash stains my skin
I will be sated
Only destruction will satisfy me now
Will pacify me now
And silence the rage that screams at me
Constantly
Telling me I need this
Revenge
Telling me to burn it all down
They say it’s best served cold
And I say let them burn

When I was young
I had you
We had each other
For everything we’d do
We did what we wanted
And we knew we were free
And everyone knew
What you were to me
We smiled at the moon
And laughed at the stars
And we climbed up that hill
And counted the cars
Then we ran all the way down
And we screamed in delight
And nothing could stop us
Not by day or by night
But now we are older
And look where we are
I still have you
But we have travelled so far
We aren’t happy now
We aren’t free anymore
we aren’t little girls
We aren’t young like before
We grew up too quickly
And we need each other again
We’ll never be the same
The little girls we were then

I’m tired of living
For everyone but me
I’m tired of being
What you need me to be
I’m tired of helping
Everyone but myself
Tired of trying
To live for everyone else
But I can try to be happy
And I can try to be me
To become that girl
That I hope that you see
Because I have so much to live for
And so much I can do
And I’m tired of knowing
That I’m doing all this for you
Although you may love me
Which you know means a lot
You can’t force me to become
A person I’m not
I’m dark but I’m happy
I’m cold but I smile
So just listen to my voice
And I’ll stay here a while
I know that you saved me
I will never forget
But I need to live for me now
And I haven’t started yet

You didn’t follow me this time,
Maybe you’re fed up with me now.
I wouldn’t blame you,
I’m fed up with me too.

Why do you weep so
What is it you mourn this time
What shred of innocence
Has been taken from you now
Why do you hide so
What is it you fear this time
What terror that haunts you
Keeps you from your sleep
Why do you bleed so
What is it has cut you this time
What dagger has struck you
And wielded by whom
Why do you scream so
Who grips at your neck
What darkness prevents your breathing
And where has it risen from now
How can I help you
How can you ever hope to be free
What thing could save you
From the ghosts of your past

Hush little baby don’t say a word
Don’t listen to the cruel things you’ve heard
And if those harsh things find a way in
Just ignore them and know they won’t win
And if your heart feels as though it’s made of glass
And you feel that its pumping too fast
Just come out from there and look me in the eye
And no I can’t give you a reason why
And if you find that I am not enough
Then find you a man who looks real tough
And if that man can’t care for your soul
Just come back to me and I’ll make you whole

Hold my hand
Tight enough to hurt.
Dig your nails in
As hard as you can
To keep me grounded here.
I’m begging you not to let me go.
Just look at me like you might love me
And I’ll imagine the rest
Because that’s all I know.
Hold me close,
As tight as you can,
Tight enough so I can’t breathe.
Hold me there like you can keep me safe
And I’ll imagine that you care enough to try.
Take a step beside me
Then take a thousand more
Walk the world with me
A lifetime at my side
And don’t stop until I do

I don’t want you
Can’t you see that
Can’t you leave me alone
Because when you aren’t here
I can ignore every part of me
That’s screaming I still want you
So just stay away now
Please
Why do you have to tempt me
With your devil smile
And your wicked tricks
Don’t draw me near
Just to push me away again
Because I don’t want to want you
Anymore
I hate you with every part of me
Everything that I am
Hates you
And what you did to me
And I wish you would keep away
So I wouldn’t have to hate myself
Wouldn’t have to hate every part of me
That longs for you
Still
Keep away wicked man
Keep away from my fragile heart

Here I am now
Sharp eyes in the dark
You’ll scream if you see me
Or wake with a start
Because I am it
I am what you all fear
You may keep your distance
For if you get too near
You’ll see what I am
And what I’ve become
Hissing and spitting
And it can’t be undone
I’m broken and shattered
Rewritten with pain
Theres no way to return me
Back to myself again
This is who I am
With my blackened heart
I watched as i rotted
As my life fell apart
I watched as I lost
Every part of my brain
And now you may judge me
You may call me insane
But you have not witnessed
All the things that I’ve done
And you have not looked
Down the barrel of this gun
Loaded and pointed
Right in my face
But too scared to look up
I hang my head in disgrace
But why am I hiding?
There’s not point anymore
There’s nothing too dangerous
When you’ve nothing to live for

If I told you my story would you listen
Or would you wince at my words
Would you put your fingers in your ears
As I told you where it hurt
Would you take my hands and look at me
Look deep into my eyes
And stem the pain I have suffered
Tell me I’ve had enough goodbyes
That you intend to stay with me
And take away my pain
And wash away those memories
And make me young again
Would you cry as I told the story
Of everything I have been through
Or would you just stay with me
So the only thing still strong was you
As I finished up my mournful song
Would you say you loved me still
Or would you never see me again
Just the girl that pain has killed
But this will never ever happen
I will never let it be
Because no one else will hear this
The only one who will suffer is me

I often feel ashamed
Of my weakness
Of how easily I fall in love
I let other people decide my fate
Their hand on the trigger
Their gun to my head
And I let them
I allow those I love
To choose what I feel
To destroy me if they will
And I forgive them
Because this is on me
My weakness
And it makes me angry
That I am jealous
Because I fell in love
Again
I wish I could live for myself
But I don’t
I wish I didn’t love
But I do
And I am so angry
At myself
Because I allowed another man
To take the reigns
Of my life
And then was surprised
That I lost control

I’ve got no strings
To hold me down
To make me laugh
Or make me frown
I’ve got no one
I let them go
There’s no one left
I’m all alone
I’ve left it all
It all behind
There’s nothing left
Nothing to find
I just can’t stop
I need to cry
It’s so bizarre
I don’t know why
My heart is gone
Broken in two
And who’s to blame?
I know it’s you
They all just took
My life away
I’m empty now
No more to say

I’ll have to turn to apathy
Because caring hurts too ******* much

Seeing your face like this
Breaks my heart again
Into a thousand pieces
Scattered carelessly
And I stare at them wordlessly
Because words are lost to me now
I could not describe how I feel right now
So I bite my tongue
To hold off the tears a little longer
Not much longer now
Goodbye my friend
I miss you

We are patchwork people
The little girl who smiled
And the girl who cried
Neither of us whole
Because we have been torn apart
How long can you hold my heart
Before it falls apart as well
And you’d never know
that I was anything other than broken
Because my suffering has overcome me
And what love I had was lost
So very long ago
And I would say I love you now
But I don’t think we can
Because we are patchwork people
And if I give you this piece of me
There won’t be enough left
To hold me together
And when the parts begin to fray
You won’t recognise me
Perhaps you don’t know me even now
Because we are patchwork people
And we can never be whole again

It hurts
Every time I take a step
It burns
But I’m not giving up get
I smile
But inside I am screaming
I laugh
But I hope that I’m dreaming
This dream is a nightmare
And now I’m inside
Trapped in my head
And there’s nowhere to hide
I still keep on trying
Everyday
But this pain is working
To take me away
Pounding and pounding
At the gates of my mind
Telling me constantly
I can’t leave it behind
But please believe that I’m trying
With all that I know
You need to trust me
I’m not ready to go
It’s getting hard to breathe now
But I won’t tell you a thing
Because the only thing I still know
Is that I won’t let it win

Am I the broken girl
That I thought I was
That I became because
I have suffered for so long
Do I have a strong heart
And a stable mind
Could I be different
Now the pain is gone
Am I the smiling face
That many know me as
Or am I the blood that pours
Deep red from my veins
Am I the source of happiness
To anyone
Or am I just a ghost
Am I the same person now
Or have I grown
Into something new
And is this better
I don’t know what I have become
If I am the same at heart
Or if I became what I was
The only thing I knew for so long
Am I just a broken girl
Did I lose everything else
Or did I change
Into something better
Something that can survive
The wasteland of this life
Someone that breathes the toxic fumes
And the smoke from this fire
Raging inside me
Burning weakness
What remains of me?

Everyone is watching now,
Watching me fall apart.
Staring with intrigue
As my mask cracks and fades.
Look at me now,
The truth revealed.
I hope you’re all happy to see me.