The moonlight falls onto my skin,
Silver and rippling
And I feel a semblance of peace.
I close my eyes
To let it all in
And let it all go.
My eyes glisten
With the reflection
Or tears perhaps.
I find I don’t care which.
Because peace is precious,
Peace and a certain kind of silence.
Not the lonely kind,
The suffocating kind.
Just the silence of calm.
I allow myself hope for a moment
That everything could be ok,
That I might be ok.

It forever walks behind me
It is always at my side
And even if I wanted to
There is no where that I can hide
It follows in my footsteps
Watching every move that I make
It’s there for all my happiness
But witnesses all my mistakes
It holds my hand when it is needed
It will never leave me be
But even when I wish to be alone
It will not take leave of me
When fear grips at my beating heart
And my eyes are filled with tears
It will grip me tight and hold me fast
Until my path is crystal clear
As I stumble down a hazy road
And try to keep from falling
And brush off all the little bugs
And try to stop my skin from crawling
No matter how I plead with it
It seems you cannot see
No matter how I beg of it
It will not let me be
So perhaps I must succumb to love
And accept that I cannot be rid of it
So I will have to carry on anyway
And maybe it will be for my benefit
So I will not ****** my hand away
And there is nothing to be scared of
Because I know it will be there for me
My precious shadow that is called love

I cry alone
Because I cannot bear to see you cry
And I cannot bear it if you don’t.
My pain is mine alone
And I will not let you judge me,
Dismiss me
And belittle me,
Or care for me either.
I do not want your pity,
Or your disdain either.
I want peace
But I have nothing of the sort.
I have my own pain
And the loneliness it brings.
There is no other way.

You didn’t follow me this time,
Maybe you’re fed up with me now.
I wouldn’t blame you,
I’m fed up with me too.

If this is a test
To see how much I can take
You win
Because I’m so very tired
And I can’t do this anymore

I’m a little too shy to kiss you when I’m sober
And I didn’t know if you’d want me to,
So I just glance in your direction
From time to time,
And see if you look back.
I thought I caught you looking
But my brain tells me I’m wrong.
I have to be wrong, right?
And when I woke up next to you
I couldn’t help but smile.
I’m not smiling anymore.
Because silence hurts so much more now
And I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong.
I liked it,
I liked you,
I wanted you to like me too.

I am sick with weariness,
As is all the world.
We are sick of you little girl.
To watch you cry is our blessing,
Your suffering brings us joy.
We’d love to see you bleed again.
Break your hand once more,
We want to watch you crumble.
Fade away into the darkness.
We wish you’d disappear.
Try to leave it all behind again,
But try harder this time
And maybe you’ll succeed
At last.
The silence you leave will be blissful,
There will be no hole to fill.
It will be as if you never were,
As it should be.
A world without you will be a gift,
We hope to watch you burn.
Turn to dust
And be scattered into nothingness
Where you belong.

Think yourself to death
Take every word
Twist it
Change it
Until it haunts you
Every breath
Now has a meaning
That nobody intended
Punish yourself by overthinking
Every conversation
Every look
Nothing can remain happy for long
Because I am so good at this
Taking kind words
Turning them dark
I wish I could stop
But you can’t
I won’t let you
You won’t let yourself
Can’t you just be happy for once
Can’t you just let it go
Not everyone hates you
You can’t convince yourself of that
But I can
All words can be twisted in my mind
Turned into knots
Hangman’s knots
And tied around my neck
A noose of my own making
I think myself to death

I fell in love in springtime,
Tripped over myself
To have the one thing
I thought I never wanted,
And yet I wondered
What it would be like in the summertime.
I loved you in the summer too,
With warmth as I hoped I would.
Your face covered in freckles
Always made me smile.
I loved you in the autumn time,
Through loss
I cried alone.
The last of summers warmth left me,
But I still had you.
I loved you through the winter
And we broke both our hearts,
But I never stopped,
Not even for a second.
Still I am yours
And I will love you until another spring,
Until you come back to me,
Until your freckles return
Along with my warmth.
And when the cold returns
The warmth won’t be lost.
I’ll hold you close my love
When spring returns.

I wish that you would love me
I’m hoping that you’ll try
That one day you will look at me
And you’ll begin to cry
For everything you could have had
And everything you don’t
You’ll wish you loved me sooner
But now I’m losing hope
I look in to your eyes my dear
I look in to your soul
I wish that I would see me there
But now I just feel cold
I know you’ll never love me
I know you’ll never try
But one day I hope you’ll look at me
You’ll look into my eyes
You’ll see the things we could have had
And all the things we don’t
And maybe then
You’ll feel my love
But by then it will be gone

I’m tired of living
For everyone but me
I’m tired of being
What you need me to be
I’m tired of helping
Everyone but myself
Tired of trying
To live for everyone else
But I can try to be happy
And I can try to be me
To become that girl
That I hope that you see
Because I have so much to live for
And so much I can do
And I’m tired of knowing
That I’m doing all this for you
Although you may love me
Which you know means a lot
You can’t force me to become
A person I’m not
I’m dark but I’m happy
I’m cold but I smile
So just listen to my voice
And I’ll stay here a while
I know that you saved me
I will never forget
But I need to live for me now
And I haven’t started yet

I’m left here again
Alone and scared of myself
Blood on my hands
My blood as always
I don’t even know why I’m here
Or what I feel right now
Except pain
My single constant
At least I can rely on that

I love you with all my heart
not the wild, raging, complicated love
That consumes and devours
The calm and peaceful love
That warms and empowers
You have never toyed with me
Never delighted in my pain
You will never allow me to cry for long
Before you make me smile again
I cannot help the little grin
That creeps onto my face
When I hear your childish laugh echo
Into my dark little hiding place
You protect me from my darkest thoughts
Fight them off with your childish light
And although they try to get at me
You will not give up the fight
Your smile is so infectious
It forces mine to show itself
You tell a joke at my expense
And I will laugh at that as well
It is not within your nature
To behave with simple care
I know that my tears are foreign to you
And your bright eyes are looking scared
But you try your best to care for me
And I know that this is hard
But you are doing oh so well at it
And you haven’t quit so far
You might think this is a love poem
And that is almost certainly true
But not the complicated, miserable kind
It’s only smiles I get from you

I am not a forgiving person
And you never should have asked
And every time I gave it to you
I told you to do it again
Except I begged you not to
You couldn’t seem to stop breaking my heart
No matter how hard you tried
At least I hope you were trying
Maybe you wanted to see how far you could go
Before I wouldn’t allow you back
And I let you do it
This is on me
Except I realise now it was all a lie
Every time I forgave you
It was me blaming myself
Telling myself it wasn’t your fault
And therefore you didn’t need my forgiveness
But I couldn’t forgive myself
I can’t forgive you for letting me die alone
I could never
And I will never forget how it felt
Every time I close my eyes
I suppose they say everybody dies alone
But it’s another thing to live it
You made me choose
I chose you over me
Your happiness over my life
And I chose wrong

Daggers from ones you love
Are buried so much deeper
Their edges sharpened
Because they are not often brandished
Not like the blunt wooden spears
Of the permanently cruel
Not that they don’t hurt
But when someone you love
Takes their dagger from their belt
And holds it with a darkened smile
Never breaking eye contact
They won’t look away
They are no coward
They raise the blade above their head
For they need all of their power
And they aim it in a brutal place
In the most painful place
The place you held them in
They plunge their knife into your heart

I’ve tried you know
You must see that
I fought all the snakes
Who hissed and spat
All the evil that this world could throw
I did not waver
Did not let them know
How weak I was
How broken inside
And I held my head low
In shame as I cried
Because I am so weary
From all of this war
And I’m not the same person
As I was before
Everything’s fading
All the things that I was
I don’t know what to do now
And I know it’s because
You gave me this pain
And thought I could fight
But I can’t any longer
I can’t sleep at night
I am haunted by ghosts
Of the people I’ve lost
And I’m haunted by day
And there is a high cost
The cost is my soul
And my sanity
Can’t you see I’m done fighting
Please just set me free

I sat in dark rooms
My knees towards my chest
Gripping my own hand
Just to feel something
Other than pain
The tears falling won’t stop
They sting my cheeks
So raw
But I feel nothing
How many days I spent praying
For anything
Dreaming of heroes
And imaginary people
I could make believe that someone
Anyone could help me
But no one did
I would cry
Until there was nothing left
But no one saw
No one came
So I listened to the dull thud
Coming deep within my heart
It never stops
Even when I begged it to
When the tears stopped falling
I would close my eyes
Breathe deep
Conceal my shattered parts
Because what else was I to do?

My eyes are dark
A hollow window inside
Where everything evil
All the monsters hide
Do not be mistaken
I’m not what you see
I’m not all those things
That you want me to be
I’m damaged and blackened
Like a cloud in a storm
Beware of my lighting
So much stronger than before
My love is all gone now
I know you don’t know
But I’m so close to death now
But you won’t let me go
I just keep on living
A day at a time
I’m living for you now
My life isn’t mine
I just want to leave this
To be free from my pain
But I wake up again now
And it starts over again

I’m really ****** up you know
Sometimes I just think about that
I’ve spent so much time in the dark
Surrounded by nothing but my own demons
And everything I feared
I went mad
Not the crazy, shrieking type of mad
The quiet type of mad
The one that stares blankly
When inside their heads all they hear is screaming

I’m really ****** up you know
I spent so much time being punished
For no reason
Just because it was the will of the wicked
And so I came to expect it
And I became so **** afraid

I’m really ****** up you know
It’s like I’m drowning oh so slowly
I gasp for breathe and I think I can survive
But the next wave comes and pulls me under
And I am surrounded by all the water that suffocated me before
So I’m sorry if I cry
And you just can’t understand why I’m so afraid
Because you don’t know
You can’t imagine what I am

I’m really ****** up you know
So when you hear my story
When I trust you with my pain
Don’t look at me and wonder why I dig my nails into my palm
Don’t wonder why my knuckles are ****** and bruised
Because you don’t understand
Pain is my only constant
The only thing that hasn’t left me

I’m really ****** up you know
But I’m not destroyed
Because although I have suffered every punishment that the world could throw
I’m still here
I hope you realised what that means
I hope you know how much easier it would have been to give up and fade away
And how tempted I was
Because I wasn’t strong
And I just couldn’t cope with a constant onslaught of loneliness and misery

I’m really ****** up you know
But when you see me smile
Don’t doubt my story
But weep with joy for me
Because the simple smile that you see is nothing short of a miracle
And if you could see everything I have been through
You would know how ****** up I am
But you would be surprised that I’m alive
And you might even say
That I deserve to smile

I thought it was different
That I had changed
Begun to heal
To recognise myself
But the truth is
I am so good at hiding my pain
Even from myself
But now I see
I am more broken than I’ve ever been

Hold my hand
Tight enough to hurt.
Dig your nails in
As hard as you can
To keep me grounded here.
I’m begging you not to let me go.
Just look at me like you might love me
And I’ll imagine the rest
Because that’s all I know.
Hold me close,
As tight as you can,
Tight enough so I can’t breathe.
Hold me there like you can keep me safe
And I’ll imagine that you care enough to try.
Take a step beside me
Then take a thousand more
Walk the world with me
A lifetime at my side
And don’t stop until I do

I don’t want you
Can’t you see that
Can’t you leave me alone
Because when you aren’t here
I can ignore every part of me
That’s screaming I still want you
So just stay away now
Please
Why do you have to tempt me
With your devil smile
And your wicked tricks
Don’t draw me near
Just to push me away again
Because I don’t want to want you
Anymore
I hate you with every part of me
Everything that I am
Hates you
And what you did to me
And I wish you would keep away
So I wouldn’t have to hate myself
Wouldn’t have to hate every part of me
That longs for you
Still
Keep away wicked man
Keep away from my fragile heart

A smile tugs at my lips
Yet a tear falls from my eye
I cannot seem to find happiness
Without endlessly asking why
I had to suffer all I did
And why I suffer still
Have I lost the girl I used to be
Has all the pain broken my will
And changed me into someone else
Someone who’s not quite there
Who’s always a word away from darkness
Who can taste sadness in the air
And I stare into a mirror
And wonder what it is I’ve lost
Has the price of all this been to high
Can I still afford the cost
Is there enough strength left inside of me
To fight this hard each day
Or is this all just futility
My final useless attempt to stay
But I decided I had come to my end
And I felt it in my soul
And now that I have to live with that decision
I don’t believe I ever will be whole
So I take one step after another
And I clasp my hands into fists
I collect together all my remaining pieces
To have the courage to just exist

We sit around the table
With our puppet strings
Smiles pull at our lips
Like fish hooks through our skin
Bile builds in my throat
Tears swim in my eyes
But the smile won’t fade
It is not the puppeteers will
Liquid poured down my throat
And I welcome the burn
Hoping to feel something
Taste anything other than bitterness
Looking around at my loved ones
At their porcelain masks
Their puppet strings
And their moth eaten facade
My jaw aches from being tensed
From being clenched
To prevent me saying something
I know better than to deviate
From the twisted script that is set
I look across the table
At the other guests
The other prisoners
As their strings are pulled
What a dark play we perform
In our tea party called family

My fear is paralysing me
My secrets wrapped tight round my throat
Every heartbreak hits me at once
And my heart shatters into pieces
So many pieces
Now all that remains is dust

I’ve got no strings
To hold me down
To make me laugh
Or make me frown
I’ve got no one
I let them go
There’s no one left
I’m all alone
I’ve left it all
It all behind
There’s nothing left
Nothing to find
I just can’t stop
I need to cry
It’s so bizarre
I don’t know why
My heart is gone
Broken in two
And who’s to blame?
I know it’s you
They all just took
My life away
I’m empty now
No more to say

I stare into the flames
and wonder what it would be like to burn,
to feel anything at all
except for this agonising numbness.
My eyes close slowly,
my breaths come slowly,
as if I could disappear for a while.
Take up so little space,
separate from the world for a minute
and make this feeling go away,
make these screaming thoughts stop
and allow me a moment of peace.

I don’t notice you come in
How strange
I never thought this would happen
But oh how things change
I don’t need your approval
Don’t need your smile
I don’t belong to you now
And I haven’t for a while
I couldn’t feel it
As you slipped away
As I let you go
And more with each day
I don’t need your love
I don’t need you now
I’m breaking free from this
But I really don’t know how
I couldn’t imagine
Escaping your hold
My life revolved around you
But I’m out in the cold
And yet I don’t feel it
I don’t need you anymore
I might not love you
I might have won this war

I am death,
Behold the darkness in me.
I am nothing
And I am everything all at once.
Watch my body burn.

When I was young
I had you
We had each other
For everything we’d do
We did what we wanted
And we knew we were free
And everyone knew
What you were to me
We smiled at the moon
And laughed at the stars
And we climbed up that hill
And counted the cars
Then we ran all the way down
And we screamed in delight
And nothing could stop us
Not by day or by night
But now we are older
And look where we are
I still have you
But we have travelled so far
We aren’t happy now
We aren’t free anymore
we aren’t little girls
We aren’t young like before
We grew up too quickly
And we need each other again
We’ll never be the same
The little girls we were then

If I hold my breath a moment
And let the silence seep in
I could quiet the madness
That seeks my destruction
And I’ll go oh so slowly
You won’t even notice what’s missing
As I slip away with madness
The cold holds my bones
And grips tight around my throat
I can’t even tell if it’s my salvation
Or my death it desires
And which I hope for now
As I shut my eyes
Allow a tear free
It freezes on my cheek
From the cold of my skin
The cold in my heart
Like ice I melt away so slowly
Or perhaps I’ll shatter
You’ll cut yourself on the pieces
And you’ll know how I felt

Close your eyes little girl
And scream if it makes you feel
Anything at all,
Cry if it helps.
Feel the air in your lungs
And hold it for a while,
For as long as you can
If it makes you feel alive,
If it keeps you here with me.
Grind your teeth together
And squeeze your eyes shut,
If it keeps the demons at bay.
Block the world out for a moment
And let your breathe escape.
One long unbroken sigh.
Then let it all back in.

What do you do when no one saves you
When you’re bleeding out
And there’s no one around
To stop the flow of blood
How would you feel if you were screaming
If you were begging for help
But no one heard
And so you stopped
What would you feel if you were broken
But beyond repair
And there was no one to help you
And no one even tried
What would it be like to walk around
With tears streaming down your face
But they are invisible tears
And so no one asks you why
This is what it was like
To live through this
With no ones help
And come out the other side
So I’m sorry if I can’t trust you now
But I am used to loneliness
And the only thing that was constant
Was the darkness growing inside
And the more of me it took
The more I seemed to hide
From the outside world
And what you could see
Wasn’t me

How many people I’ve lost
All the friends passing through
But I can’t get too close
So what do I do?
When everyone I care about
Everyone I need
Just leaves me here broken
What a sad life indeed
I rely on these people
I trust them with my heart
I cry with them
And talk to them
And smile when we’re apart
About happy conversations
And all the jokes and laughs
But I can’t stop to hold on
Or catch them as they pass
You’ve still got me he says
But now he must go
I promise I won’t leave you
How could they know
How many people I’ve trusted
That all have gone past
One day if I’m lucky
One of them will last

I think I’ll always love strawberries
Because of you
I’ll look at them and smile
And I’ll remember that too
I’ll look twice at every cyclist
That races past me
But I’ll never find what I’m looking for
Because it’s you I want to see
I want to hold tight to the feeling
Of warmth that you give
I’ll sometimes stop and think of you
No matter who I’m with
And even when I find a lover
From whom I am never apart
I’ll always remember the first man
Who tried to fix my broken heart
Your laugh is my favourite thing
That I have ever known
Your presence calms my raging mind
With you I never feel alone
You have made me so much stronger
Than I ever was before
And you supported me in battle
So that we could end this war
And when all is done and all I see
Are bodies on the ground
You’ll take my hand and keep it there
Where most would never stick around
I’ll never be able to express to you
How much you’ve done for me
But sometimes when you see me smile
I hope you’ll think, that was thanks to me

I was scared once
Because I couldn’t remember who I was
What I was before all this pain
Before the world threw everything at me
Every conceivable suffering
And the rubble filled the air
The shrieking filled my mind
And I couldn’t remember what was there
Before all this
And now that the dust has settled
I dragged my broken body
From the ruins of my mind
I took a cloth
Soaked in tears
And I wiped away the blood
And then I began to recognise myself
Under all this destruction
I was scared
Because I couldn’t remember who I was
Before I was suffering
But now it is clear
Now that I am free
I remember
I was happy

I think I'm too broken to be loved.
There's not enough of me to give to you,
it's all twisted and scarred
and you wouldn't want it.
I expect to be abandoned
and I am used to loneliness,
It's bitter taste sits on my tongue
as it has always done.
You could ask me what's wrong
but I'm not even sure anymore.
It's the echo of misery in my soul,
the imprint it left on me
or rather the scar,
so many scars
to make sure that I don't forget.
I can't forget that I'm broken
and to tell the truth
there's not enough left to love.

Enjoy your freedom but don’t look too close
Or you’ll see these stone walls that keep you enclosed
These hidden fences
Wherever you look
Now you see your cage
And all that it took
Was a look to the left  
And a look to the right
Then the truth came upon you
There was no freedom in sight
You had always been trapped
In a cage made of lies
society tricked you
And they covered your eyes
So you couldn’t see them
Couldn’t see what they do
But the truth is they whisper
No freedom for you

I see you round corners
In the reflections of windows
Sometimes I feel you there
When I look in the shadows
I feel you are waiting
And I know you are close
But no one else can see you
Yet wherever I go
I can see you are watching
Waiting for me to loose my grip
Because I have to hold tightly
Or else I will slip
I’ve been so close
And I feel you with every breath
But that’s what happens
When you’re dancing with death

If I told you my story would you listen
Or would you wince at my words
Would you put your fingers in your ears
As I told you where it hurt
Would you take my hands and look at me
Look deep into my eyes
And stem the pain I have suffered
Tell me I’ve had enough goodbyes
That you intend to stay with me
And take away my pain
And wash away those memories
And make me young again
Would you cry as I told the story
Of everything I have been through
Or would you just stay with me
So the only thing still strong was you
As I finished up my mournful song
Would you say you loved me still
Or would you never see me again
Just the girl that pain has killed
But this will never ever happen
I will never let it be
Because no one else will hear this
The only one who will suffer is me

What do you want?
Who do you want me to be?
What can I do
When you say I can’t be me
These are tears of frustration
And I can’t help but cry
I feel so much hatred
But it’s directed inside
You tell me to change
But worry when I do
So how can I cope now
I’ll change to please you

At night I am broken
Trapped in a nightmare
Long since gone
But at night I remember
At night I mourn
And when the morning comes
And the mourning goes
I wipe away the tears
I bury my sorrows in a dark place
Not deep enough
For they arise
And at night I break again

Everyone is watching now,
Watching me fall apart.
Staring with intrigue
As my mask cracks and fades.
Look at me now,
The truth revealed.
I hope you’re all happy to see me.

Here I am now
Sharp eyes in the dark
You’ll scream if you see me
Or wake with a start
Because I am it
I am what you all fear
You may keep your distance
For if you get too near
You’ll see what I am
And what I’ve become
Hissing and spitting
And it can’t be undone
I’m broken and shattered
Rewritten with pain
Theres no way to return me
Back to myself again
This is who I am
With my blackened heart
I watched as i rotted
As my life fell apart
I watched as I lost
Every part of my brain
And now you may judge me
You may call me insane
But you have not witnessed
All the things that I’ve done
And you have not looked
Down the barrel of this gun
Loaded and pointed
Right in my face
But too scared to look up
I hang my head in disgrace
But why am I hiding?
There’s not point anymore
There’s nothing too dangerous
When you’ve nothing to live for

Hush little baby don’t say a word
Don’t listen to the cruel things you’ve heard
And if those harsh things find a way in
Just ignore them and know they won’t win
And if your heart feels as though it’s made of glass
And you feel that its pumping too fast
Just come out from there and look me in the eye
And no I can’t give you a reason why
And if you find that I am not enough
Then find you a man who looks real tough
And if that man can’t care for your soul
Just come back to me and I’ll make you whole

Cut me open
Look inside
Beneath broken bones
I am alive
And everything I’ve lost
Has left a scar
So continue your search
But don’t go too far
Into the corners
And the dark despair
If you really look closely
You’ll see everywhere
The pain of love
Of loving you so
And how the cracks would deepen
Every time you chose to go
Because I loved you so much
But it tore me apart
I know you can see this
As you hold my beating heart

My bones are broken
My eyes are raw
I’m not the same girl
As I was before
I’m battered and broken
Weary and old
Not in body but spirit
Or so I am told
Nothing matters now
But I still care too much
I want to be free now
But all that I touch
Shrivels and blackens
It all turns to coal
Everything has been tainted
By the dark in my soul
I’m being punished
I’m serving my time
I try to get through this
Keep saying ‘I’m fine’
But that’s just lies
The stuff that I say
To keep myself going
As my life slips away

I needed you
I was dying
Too quickly
Falling in to the darkness
And I couldn’t get a grip
You were my handhold
My lifeline
You saved me
My love for you
Was keeping me alive

But the line is round my neck now
It’s tightening
My hands are bleeding
From holding
I need to let go
But I can’t
So what do I do
I can’t escape my love for you

A cup in one hand
My pen in the other
I can start to move on
And I heal myself further
With the help of a man
not the one I need
But maybe he is exactly
What I need him to be
Kind and caring
With a glint in his eye
Not giving a ****
As the people pass by
An endless ability
To take away my pain
to drag me from the darkness
And make me smile again
It’s not the same love I feel
But it’s almost as strong
Maybe this is how it should have been
What I needed all along
Just a person to talk to
To take away my fear
To listen to my sadness
And share with me a tear
I don’t need him anymore
The man I yearned for all that time
I can honestly say I wouldn’t care
If he never would be mine
Because I found a friend In all this war
I found another man
Who helped me want to live again
And showed me that I can