The mirage of the naive sunsets
dawns upon me as the debts
of an unknown world
presents the swirled
twists that lured the mature
to manifest its charm to endure
the gnarly waves of emotions,
the winds of commotions,
the thunders of  freedom
for executing the wisdom.

The veils of innocence
revealed my ignorance,
that remained hidden
as I explored the forbidden.
The roots remain nurtured,
for I shouldn't get weathered
in the calamities of the times,
that may wipe off smiles.

He asked her what it's like living with anxiety.

She smiled sadly, "It's a never-ending pulse-race. Like knowing you don't want to jump off a cliff but not being able to talk yourself down from it.

Your fears take on a nebulous, unidentifiable form that tightens around your throat and incapacitates you.

There is no calm. No peace. Only the edge of a very strained thread."

My Grandma used to be my biggest fan
She used to take me to the park, buy me ice cream
Push me on the swings till I couldn't see the trees

She used to take me to the zoo, point at the animals
Buy me cuddly souvenirs of each of them in the gift shop

She used to take me to the supermarket
Push me in the trolley and buy me a cream cake at the end

My Grandma was the one who told me to write stories
She used to make me cheesy pasta and we'd read together
Stories about dinosaurs and princesses and little girls with coloured hair

That was before she grew old

Now my Grandma sits in her chair
Her skin as thin as paper
Withered bones from old age

My Grandma doesn't really remember my name anymore
Doesn't really know what I look like
Can't really hear what I say

She's not really interested in my life anymore
Only in soaps on telly and other people's lives

My Grandma used to be my biggest fan
Now she doesn't really know who I am

I could have said a million things
in a million different ways.
All of which would have made you stay
a million more days.
But when the time came,
I thought about the future,
and I could never say with confidence
that my feelings would stay the same.
In the end, I couldn't let my fears
break my heart or yours.
Not when there's a million other doors
to open and explore.

My heart didn't break when you said No to me
Nor when you said "can we still be friends"
Neither did it break when you got with another man
My heart was still whole when I realized i spent four years chasing after you
My heart didn't break when my friends made fun of you for my benefit.
My heart didn't break for the past year when i was in regret
My heart didn't break when i decided it was time to move on.
No!!!
My heart broke a month ago when you told me you regret saying NO to me.

Being blocked from your life
Made my tears turn red
You can't hear my screaming
As I beg and call your name
I yell for forgiveness
As I feel the heavy shame
As much as you were right
Your move on was too soon
By leaving my life
You took away my sun and moon
I bang on the keyboard
As I curse my own name
For I knew my heavy loss
Was me, myself, to blame
My body trembles in anger
My cries becoming airlessly silent
Not knowing if I will ever see you again
Has me so terribly frightened...
The other half of my heart
Is sadly, what you've taken.

This is a poem for the anger
I keep coiled around my ribs
Because I was taught that anger is an absinthian poison
That will rise like bile in the throat and must be swallowed.
And I realize you may read this
And you may be angry
But I realize with each crunch of bone
I must give myself the space
To uncoil in this way.

I am angry
That you made me a captive reservoir
for the bitter droughts you refused to drink yourself.
You were iron-stomached after years of punches,
that I understood.
Open handed, I wanted to be the exception
But holy palmer’s kiss
Was still not enough to let me cross the threshold.
You are the locked room in the house that the children are forbidden
Only small glimpses between hinges
Of your fear poisoned self
Huddled in a corner, vomiting apologies.

I am angry
for believing I could have lain beside you
every night for the rest of my life
And not starved to death from loneliness.

I am angry
for ignoring how I dimmed each time I waited for you
to want me, to miss me, to think of me,
to ask me to come into your arms,
to find me fascinating, enchanting
to tell me you needed me;
to betray anything that proved I was more than convenience,
A drink that served itself on a silver platter,
Asking to be drunk.
If you only knew how luminous I could be
when loved well.


I am angry
That I still hope you will be waiting by my door after work
because you realized how you starved me
And now you’ve set a banqueting table, a banner over me is love
But I know you will never do this.
I know you cannot do this.
I am angry
that I miss only the space you left,
That I have not yet been able to close the gap
And walk away from your memory.