At the third chime,
It will be
6:03
Precisely
Not 6pm
Or five past six
6:03
On the dot
Exactly

Deep dark sobs
Of decades long
hurt and pain
Churning in the sacral
Threatening to release their torrent
Seemingly from nowhere
To overwhelm oh so completely,
But for now
A mass of
Confusion
Anger and
Sadness
With
Nowhere to go

It ******* ****** me off
When people say something
Mumble something
Whisper something
Speak OneLongWord,
And because of a hearing loss
I don’t quite hear,
And they respond with
“It doesn’t matter”.

It does ******* matter
I just didn’t hear
And need you to repeat it.
I need you to repeat the whole sentence
Not just the first part or the last part
The bit I’ve already heard.
Sometimes I’m just missing a key word that makes the whole sentence fall into place
But without it
Confusion
Misunderstanding
Wrong end of the stick.

Or they mumble under their breath
A hint of exasperation in their voice
Annoyed you’re interrupting their flow.
Don’t you think I’m frustrated and angry too?
Missing subtleties and nuances of what import say you

It’s Discriminatory
Disrespectful
And hearing-ist,
I can’t ******* help
That I’m deaf.

It leads to
Feelings of
Missing out
Losing out
Feeling dismissed
Discarded
Not important
Not valued
- The story of my life.....
Disassociated
Feeling on the periphery
Never quite fitting in
Never quite getting the joke
Laughing along
Pretending
But no ******* idea what’s going on.

When I ask you to repeat something
I mean just that
Patiently
Slowly  
Compassionately
With
Understanding,
And. in. individual. words. not. one

Sometimes
You probe for reasons why,
Sometimes
You demand an explanation,
But
Sometimes
there is no reason,
Sometimes
there is no meaning,
Sometimes
It’s long since forgotten
In the mists of time,
Sometimes
It just is,
Always been so
For eternity

Until now ....

Just because you say what that person needs to hear
In that moment
Place
And time,
Doesn’t mean it’s true.
Doesn’t mean it’s
true for you.

I did ask....
But there was no reply

I’ve been asking for days now....
in my head
In my heart
In my soul....
But of course
How could you know,
How could you answer?
When verbal was not I ....

Shedding
Long since worn scales
Is not easy,
But that you must
To progress to the next stage
Of this journey
Called
Life

Nearing the heights
Of the rollercoaster’s first climb,
With its challenges and uncomfortableness.
Now
Anticipation
Of that stomach in your mouth vertical drop moment of
Fear, exhilaration and excitement.
For you’re on the cusp of  
The ride of your life
To remarkable extraordinary summits
Not yet imagined,
Only mere glimpses of,
Til now. . .

You’re already on
The ride of your life
The thrill of your life
With its screams, excitement and fear,
The ups and downs
And ins and outs.
This adventure,
Your adventure,
starts right now.
The time is right.
Perfect timing.
Divine timing

No choice anymore
No changing your mind
No getting off
No going back
Unstoppable.
You’ve set this ride in motion
All you can do now
Is smile
And cling on for your life.

Poems are those
Glimpses and snippets of potential understanding,
To full blown laser-like clarity
Wide eyed as you come to the realisation
Your heart and soul knows all
You always knew all
No matter if you deny it
You can never deny it
Not now
Not ever
Again

Poems
are power,
They speak to the soul
From the soul,
Messages
From the unconscious
To the conscious.
Like dreams
Laying you bare open
Exposing your vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams
And your soul’s desire,
Leaving you lying naked on your back
Tied to a stone slab
Spotlight in your eyes
Glimpse of a knife,
Exposed,
Vulnerable,
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide

We experienced what we went through,
All the pain, suffering and confusion,
Because it was my way of understanding,
Of learning to feel safe,
And discovering
That. I. Could. Trust. You.

Falling
Plummeting
Whole world’s upside down.
What is up?
What is down?
What is truth?
What is untruth?
What is real?
What is unreal?

Eyes wide open
With no time to prepare
Taken by surprise
By this expansion in consciousness,
In shock
Mind blown
Everything making sense
And no sense at all

Our reality is what we say it is,
What we choose it to be.
Our words shape our lives
And our futures

But sometimes mine get all mixed up and confused and overwhelming
In this jumbled mind of mine
Now blown wide open
With nothing I can do
Except absorb and assimilate
And be,
Get my brain and jumbled mass of thoughts out the way
Zone out
Watch movies
Don’t think
Just write words as they come
Don’t analyse
Or read back
For it does not need to make sense
It may never make sense what you wrote
But get the words out of your head
To stop them going round and round
Keeping me chained to what is, yet what is not, at the same time
No judgement
No convention and societal rules
Just go with the flow
And see what happens
Unbidden
Un baggaged
Until I am ready to go out into the world again
But this time
With awareness
Of my vulnerability
And my power
And my strength

Words
Shape us
Define us
Limit us, or
Expand us.
Words
Create our futures
And fulfils our destinies
Or our sorrows.
So choose carefully

I stumble dazed and confused
Drifting and floating off
My body on this earth
But my spirit elsewhere
Thoughts swirling in my head
It’s all so clear
Yet oh so jumbled
Confusing
And scarily vast
Like staring into the depths of the abyss
That’s either a place full of blackness and fear,
Or a place of rainbow lights with its excitement and dreams and creativity
And boundless love

Everything is important
Nothing is important
Unless we make it so
Choose it so.
Life is experience
About learning the lessons
About enjoying the ride
Love?
Fear?
The choice is yours
And yours alone to make

I know not
Who, what, or where I am
Have I peered into Pandora’s box
With its labyrinth of ersatz delights?
Am I lost down a rabbit hole
With no exit to find?
Am I free falling in eternal space?
I know not anymore
What’s real, what’s not
Who can I trust, or not
But I trust you
And
I come to you

Soul screaming
Piercing through obsidian eyes
The all revealing
All knowing
Windows to the soul
Felt deep inside
Won’t be denied
Won’t be silenced
No more
In spite of all
protestations
to the contrary

Who is the woman in the mirror?
This morning it was a fierce woman
Standing in her power
Ready and willing to take on the world
On her terms.
Not just a survivor
But a thriver
A Phoenix Risen from the ashes
In all her glory
Staring right back at you.
The past hurt, pain and abuse
That had kept her playing small,
Lying all around her
In tatters,
Like dust upon the floor,
No longer attached to her,
No power in them.
Only the fierceness
Of the woman
In the mirror

🦁

Look at yourself in the mirror
Truly see.
Look in your eye
Hold the gaze
And breathe in what’s there.
What do you see?
Who do you see?
Who’s the woman in the mirror?

Acknowledge who’s there.  
Accept who’s there.  
Love who’s there.
The woman staring back from the mirror.
Give thanks and
Gratitude,
For all that woman has been through.
For all that she has suffered.
For all that she has overcome.
For all that she is.
For all that she has become.
For all that she will be.
A fierce woman
Standing in her power.
For that is you.
That is your strength.
That is your power.
And that is your future.

Here I am, 2:42 in the morning,
My becoming usual, reawakening
creativity time for
self expression,
honesty and
truth.
The time for my heart, my soul, my vulnerability,
for all that is true,
Often hidden during the day,
Surrounded by a 12 foot high wall,
To open up
To rise up
To shout from the rooftops
I will be heard
I do have a voice
And I have something to say

When I view a sunset,
A burning bright red sunset,
or look upon the horizon
between the land and water,
I am reminded of Ancestors’ stories
of the betwixt and the between.
Neither one or the other.
Not this one, nor that one,
But the place in between.

The Betwixt and the between two different worlds
Betwixt and between waking and sleeping.
Betwixt and between dusk and dawn.
Betwixt and between the upper and lower.
Betwixt and between Heaven and hell.
A place of intrigue, mystery and wonder
If you dare
So much as to take a peek.
But it’s beyond most people’s imaginations
To ever go as far as
The betwixt and the between

A leaf floating
on the water
has no effect
on its future.
It drifts passively
on the pond,
In an hour,
a day,
or a week,
it may land on the shore across the pond,
or remain floating on the water,
or even sink to the bottom forevermore,
Without ever knowing why.  

Are you drifting in your own small pond?
Floating oblivious,
Unsure, uncertain, unmade?
Going wherever the waters take you?
Watching the world pass and fade?
Or sinking and drowning?

Or have you set the sail in your boat
And know the direction
you’re headed,
Your purpose, your vision, your mission,
Sitting back and enjoying the flow,
The tumultuous journey with its ups and downs,
As you watch the world unfold within and around you.  
From calm sweet waters,
To crashing and crushing high rise waves.
It’s all about the journey,
The lessons and the pain,
The joy and the excitement,
The highs and the lows,
That will take you to your destination,
The lessons and the pain.
And better than whence you came