Last March i went to the doctor
for a simple cold and when they
listened to my beating heart
they wanted to rush me to the hospital
because my heart rate was a lot higher than it
should've been.
I told them that it was fine
i would be fine.
what i didn't tell them was that
there was a volcano rupturing inside me
for the last 6 years, that know one
could control.
the doctors wouldn't be able to calm
this disaster inside me.

I keep seeing your eyes everywhere i go.
I keep feeling your arms wrapped around me
in my dreams.
Sometimes i'll be driving through
a beautiful sunset
and your scent will come
across me.
I had every crack and callus on your
hands memorized.
And now I barely remember the sound of
your voice.
And thats life
and I am trying to be okay with that.
Okay with the fact that I might die
one day without ever seeing you again,
hearing you again.
You were my life and now
you're absolutely nothing but
a memory.
All I want to know is if you
miss me too.
This is the cold truth about life.

Lately you've been haunting my dreams.
I see you again and you're as warm as you
were when I first met you.
Isn't it odd how our dreams only show us
what we want to remember about a person?
Because despite all the bruises and tears,
in my dreams you hold me so tight
just like you used to.
You wrap your hands in my hair
and you tell me to never leave you.
But you left me.
And I swear to god i can feel your heart beat
again,
just like how I used to count the beats of it
at 3 A.M. when you would keep me warm.
And in my dreams we do exactly that
and lately it's been so easy to sleep.

The thing about being used to being broken,
is being used to being broken.
When being broken becomes home.
When you're happy but sometimes
you wanna run back into your
burning house because, it is home
isn't it?
Because you don't need to build
another home just to burn it
down again.
Because pain held you
when no one else would.
Because this is who you are
this is who you've always been.

I knew it was for the best.
I sacrificed my heart for you
when I gave it to someone else
because I knew we would only end
up broken.
I knew this was it for us.
whatever we were
whatever we had
would be gone for the rest of our lives.
I could take it I knew I could.
I would soon forget about you.
and when I woke up new year’s day
after you got drunk and angry and destroyed everything in your house,
i told my friend, and she said,
“i’m glad he didn’t break you”
but I think walls and glass weren’t
the only things that have been broken
by him the last nine months.

you had to have known it hurt.
you had to have.
I could’ve drowned myself
in anything
but of course it had to be you.
and this shouldn’t break me
but this broke me.
and I felt nothing because
you made me numb
and I swear that i’m done
I always swear that i’m done.
and you know I like your hair long
and you know I hate it when
you look at me like that
but you always look at me like
that and I drown every single
******* time because
that’s what they do to you
and you let them do it.

The fire started in my parent’s room
They tried to shut the door
So my little brother and I wouldn’t know.
The smoke went through the cracks and down the hallway. My father was the one who lit the match,
Even when he promised he wouldn’t.
But like I’ve always been told,
“An addict is always an addict”
and my mother just couldn’t take it anymore.
The fire spread to my bedroom first,
Burning all my childhood memories,
Leaving scars and smoke in my lungs
That would be there forever.
Did they know what they were doing to me? My little brother acts like it never happened. But I know he wishes his role model
Never lit that match.
How could the man who taught him how to play baseball Ever do such a thing?
My little brother stopped playing baseball
And I moved out of my bedroom
But some things will never leave you And to this day I can still smell
The lingering odor of smoke
On my clothes.

Have you ever walked on
broken glass before?
I'm sure most of you
would say no, but
do you really think
you haven't?
Have you ever gotten
out of bed with your
broken heart so heavy
it feels like its hanging out of
your chest?
Have you ever walked
around in public smiling
even though you know
your funeral was the day prior?
Have you ever drove
through the place you guys
used to love the most and
all you can see is ghosts?
This is walking on
broken glass.

Every time I drive home
late at night
my mind tells me to
drive to you,
but I haven't heard from you
in months.
I still wonder if you
ever regret kissing me
goodbye for the last time.
If you replay the moment
in your head over and over
again, wishing
you had never changed your mind.
We all know feelings and life
change like the weather
and there was nothing I could have
done to get you to stay.

Let me tell you a little bit about drowning
and how what you think is your
savior floating device
ends up being the rocks that are tied
at your ankles.
and how they get carried away
by a hurricane they created
in spite of you.
and how you drown in that hurricane.
they don't know that when they leave you
you're never the same.

Your hair was long in the summer
and I can barely remember the way
I used to run my hands through
it and the way your tanned skin
would come together with mine.
When the leaves started to change
you cut it off, kind of like how
we started to cut each other off.
And I still have your winter coat
from weeks ago because
if I gave it back, it could mean
letting go, which we all know
I couldn't easily do with you.

I don't know how much longer I can take
laying in this empty bed.
it's like there's a trace of someone
on the other side of me
but I know they left a long time ago.
it's like I feel the warmth coming off
their body but when I go to
get close to it
it disappears.
it's like I knew you used to lay here
before and I swear to god
I can still feel a trace of your ghost
laying right next to me
but I know you're not
and you never will.

I can't believe it took
me this long to
realize people
will never be able to
save you,
but only destroy you.
it's either yourself
or nothing.

How many times have you told
yourself you are a walking disaster?
I am starting to forget what your
eyes look like.
I am starting to forget the way
your voice sounds.
I am starting to forget the way
your hair felt in between
my fingers.
And the warmth that came off
your body at 3am
when you would hold me.
I wish i could say your ghost
doesn't keep me up at night,
considering how bad you broke me.
But i know its just me,
me being the disaster that i am
that i always will be.

it hurt.
the kind of “what if” hurt.
what if it was me?
what if you got lost in my eyes
in the middle of night instead
of hers?
what if I never let you go?
she wasn’t there when
those cigarette burns
were fresh but I was.
she didn’t know,
but I did.
it should have been me.
it should have just
******* been me.

they looked at me and said
“what happened to him?”
and I said back,
“well, I don’t think he’s
capable of caring for anyone
but himself right now,
but when he is, she
is going to be the luckiest
human in the world.
and I will always be jealous.”

I could write a book
With 1,000 pages
And I still wouldn’t be able
To properly describe how I feel
How I felt
About you.
How many days
How many nights
How many mornings
I woke up with you
Thinking I would have
forever
But you’re going to
Spend your forever with
Someone else.
Which is fine
I knew we weren’t meant to last forever
Maybe in a different life
A different universe.
I still think about the cool
Spring breeze rolling through
Your bedroom window the first
Time I came over
And how I couldn’t believe
I was so comfortable
That I could fall asleep in your bed
And sometimes I smell your cologne on
A random person
And think to myself
“What if it had worked out”

But I know this is for the best
And I hope you’re happy.

All I wanted was you,
but all you wanted
was her.

I was always stuck.
always in a rough patch but I was also
always inspired.
and no matter what, I just kept
writing and writing and writing
and trying to yell
to scream about how I felt
but all I was screaming at was
blank pages.
and blank pages listen better than most people
and I could've sworn I was absolutely
out of my mind,
but I don't think I cared anymore.

And maybe I should stop falling for
people with light eyes
who're born under October
skies.

You're going to love someone with everything you have one day.
You are going to love so hard that it almost kills you.
It's going to feel like you're dying.
And maybe you are.
Maybe thats what love is
Maybe love is taking every single inch out of yourself until you are left
with nothing just so that the person you love is okay.
Maybe we take all of our warmth and put it into someone else
until we are left frozen and alone.
But maybe that isn't love.
maybe love is putting warmth into each other so no one is left in the cold.
Maybe I've been doing it wrong this whole ******* time and its time
to ******* be warm again.

I hope where you are the sun is out and the sky is clear, because here in Chicago it's been a bit colder since you left.
Rains a bit more.
But maybe that's how it always is.
Or maybe not,
Maybe that's just how I feel.

it turns out that
the answers aren't
at the bottom of a
Svedka bottle.

I wish I could tell you about
all the late night drives
I had to take this summer,
and how I would think about
you every second.
I swear to god there were
times I would pass your exit
on the highway
and I would almost turn around
and drive straight to you.
But I haven't seen you since April,
and considering it's now September,
I'm sure you don't think of
me much.
I would listen to your old
voicemails, and sometimes
I would almost swerve into
lanes because my eyes
would be blurry from the tears.
I always thought to myself,
if the last thing I heard
was you whispering
"I love you"
through the phone
on an open road at
midnight, I don't think
I would quite care.

And i refused to love anyone
the way i loved you
until i felt that fire ignite
in my chest,
like it did the first day
i talked to you,
when you told me
my smile made your
world go round
the first time you saw it.
i wonder if you felt that fire
too and if you
refuse to give yourself to someone
until you feel it again.

Let's stop writing about
waiting for the one
to come save us.
Let's stop writing about waiting
for someone to come make
us feel like home.
Let's find home in the comforts
of our skin.
Put the cape on your own back
and save yourself.
We were not built to live or hunt
for anyone else.
We were built to wipe our own tears.
We were built strong enough to be able
to pick ourselves up off the ground
and carry on.
With full hearts and kindness in our eyes.
My dear, you were not made for anyone
but yourself.

the first time you left i remember i wanted to
preserve as much of you as i could.
i would wear your shirts to bed
and look at old pictures.
Now that you're gone again i cant wait for
the day all the cells in my body are replaced
so i can say i was never touched by you.
looking at pictures makes me sick
to think that i was so blind.
and if you hadn't taken all your clothes
home a week ago i would've burned
them by now
in hopes to get every trace of you
out of my sight.

Your name popped up on my phone
right at midnight on my birthday.
You wished me a happy birthday before
anyone else.
Your name also popped up on
my phone at 2 am
when you're drunk
and alone.
Your name popped up on my phone
at 10 am
apologizing for what you did
the night before.
You wouldn't leave
but maybe you're not
suppose to.

My bones shattered beneath
my skin.
My rib cage could no longer
hold my heart steady.
The blood rushed
through my body.
And I had to force myself
to take a deep breath
one last time.
Theres no way I could
break like this again.
I dropped to my knees
and thought to myself
"I can't possibly
do this anymore."
And I swear that night
I could have drowned myself
in the shower.

it took you a total of
493 days to realize that
he is not going to chase
after you when
you run away.

White wine and blonde hair.
Thats all I saw for months
after the first night you kissed
me goodbye last spring.
You were the first thing
I loved after falling out of love.
One bench.
One river.
One bottle of wine.
Two people.
Eight months of pain
ahead of me
that I could have never imagined
would have ended the way it did.
But for the rest of my life I would
see white wine and blonde hair.

It's so hard to believe
In any type of light when
All you see is
Darkness.

I can't help but wonder if you
have dreams about me
standing in the sea with
rocks tied at my ankles.
You asking me for one more chance
telling me you didn't mean it
and you won't do it again
and all I say back is
"I'm sorry, I don't forgive broken promises"

I built him a home
with two arms and
a whole heart.
Well, maybe the heart wasn't
whole, this heart has been shattered
plenty of times, but i gave it all
to him.
I gave him this home to feel safe
to feel love
to feel no fear.
But maybe he didn't like the color
or the clouds that sometimes
hung over head,
because he left and burned
it to the ground.
I hope he feels safe and nothing but love
and i hope no fear ever steps in his way.
And maybe he would prefer the home
she builds for him instead.
Maybe she'll build it with bright
colors and may the sun always shine
where he is.
We all know a heart that has been shattered can never make a steady
home.
But maybe my house was only
made for one, and maybe
he was never welcomed
in the first place.

You crawl under my skin without even realizing
what you're doing.
Every time I tried to shed
myself of you,
you always ******* came back.
Every time I said to myself,
"this is it, this is the end."
You always snuck back in
and wrapped your arms
tightly around me.
You are an addiction to me.
It's killing me so slowly.
So painfully.
And you didn't even know it.
Because you will never feel the same.
This death is slow and this death hurts.
But I'll take every minute of it
just for a few happy seconds with you.
You are ****** in a human form.
You are whats going to end me.

lets sit together and ******* feel something.

I’m sorry for what I say when I’m upset
I’m not like this
I’m suppose to be patient
I’m suppose to be smart
I’m embarrassed that I’m so worked up
I’m not crazy
I swear
I don’t know where this all came from
Wise beyond my years
This isn’t how I’m suppose to act
I’m sorry I’m so upset
You’re in my dreams
You’re written all over my face
Branded into my lungs
I can’t breathe without tasting smoke

I hope the next girl your with
has light eyes
so you have the chance
to miss the way I would
gaze at you
with my eyes
dark as night.
And I hope her hair
is blonde
so you miss the
dark black waves
that ran over your
chest when I
laid next to you.
You always told me
I was a mystery,
and I was always dark.
Maybe you couldn't take it.
Maybe you would settle
for day instead of night.
But always remember,
the stars can't shine
through the night
without darkness.

You were fire
but so was I.
When you didn't get your way
you got angry with me.
When I didn't get my way
I got angry with you.
And when we would get over it
I would let you call me
when you were drunk
and run my fingers through
your hair in the dead of the night.
I would read your grocery lists for you.
I would wear your clothes home.
I would let you kiss my shoulders.
I would breathe your toxins in
because you made my flame
a lot stronger.

I never understood what people meant when they said that someone else's arms were
their home,
until I was sitting in my own house
and felt completely homeless
because you weren't here
and you were never coming back.

i wanted so badly to be saved
and i wanted you to be the
one to do it.
but it turns out
people are never the
antidotes.
you were never the cure.
it turns out
you were killing me
all along.

They'll let you
destroy yourself
for them,
and when you decide you
have had enough pain,
and leave,
they'll act like you
were the one who
ruined it.